Thursday, December 15, 2016

Indulging in fantasies

Before smelling something burning (an incense stick) and calling the fire brigade, I was meant to write about my weird bouts of melancholy
Especially, when I receive posts regarding His hometown. I am not subscribed to a particular newsletter, but good old Facebook knows everything!
I watch the town’s little marketing effort and I miss it. Of course I do, I have some great memories from there.

There will never be a post on my blog that I want him back. 

Though I am still alone, and I sometimes slip back into reminiscing. It is in a very, very different way than I used to. Having met R. and having allowed myself to think that there is a possibility of finding someone better - much more suitable that He could have ever been - it facilitated my breaking free. I got untangled, unburdened, confident and hopeful, and that’s what matters.

I know why I still imagine dirty things with Him (not as much as before though), and I know why it is ok - that it is not a step back. 
The explanation is simple. All the emotions I associated with love were present back then, thus it was the last time I experienced sex as loving and profoundly exciting. I want to experience those feelings again - not Him. There is no coming back to the same delusional way of experiencing another person in reality, but there is a way to feel similarly excited again. 
Fantasizing as an indulgence to lighten up my reality (of being alone) is safe, it is pleasurable, and it is harmless. I don’t want Him in my life physically anymore. Entertaining myself in my head by a fantasy can be used as a guide on the path towards something real. I just have to keep distinguishing between what I think I desire and what I really need. What I need is, of course, someone real, and good, and happy, not a fantasy.
A fantasy can stay a fantasy. I need the connection, the passion and the mutual willingness to build something meaningful. The idealization, the denial and the happy bullshit can stay in the past where I desired the easy way - never being known, and not diving deep into intimacy.
I know where I stand, and I kinda like it. 
My status: alone, sometimes anxious, but real, and committed to success in life and love.

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