Tuesday, December 20, 2016

How to forgive anything with gratitude II.

It's been a rocky road with my parents.
I used to blame them for being myself 'fucked up' a big time! I thought that their behavior towards each other and towards me 'made me' the person I grew up to be (the fucked-up person). Yes, sort of, it did. But I focused only on my shadows. And how did I manage them? I resisted, I kicked and screamed, I rebelled and I harmed myself with all that and more.
Think about that, were my present consequences the product of other people's past actions? Yes and no, they were the product of my actions based on their actions. Who orchestrated this sequence?
I did. 
Those consequences were therefore my business, my fault, my shit.

Whatever - I know that the above reasoning won't sit well with everyone. There are people with far more dramatic childhood than I've ever had, and there are people far more fucked up than I've ever been and I can accept their stance. It is all all right with me.
On top of that, I remember very well being the one resisting to change for so many years (maybe 26), and I still vividly recall how it felt to be reminded of from various sources that I needed to forgive my parents and reconcile in order to feel happier and move on - it felt gross. I wanted to remain righteous and hurt. "I am right, I am innocent, I am fucked up - and - leave me alone!"

Just 3-4 years later, I came a long way. Especially this year has been the best year regarding my personal growth and totall forgiveness toward my parents, my childhood, and the adolescent behavior.

It was a journey.... and it was so worth it.

There is nothing to be forgiven for, dear mum and dad.
There is only love and compassion. And blessings... because I know that you are still journeying with your own childhood hurts.
I became better, stable, and more compassionate woman thanks to everything you have done, showed me, taught me, or beaten into me - I am grateful for that, and I can't but love you both.

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