The body knows again

Boy, this flu has been rather depressing. There are many factors that have contributed to my condition, sure, but I was hoping to be resting just for a couple of days. It's been a full week… 

The worst is the total lack of energy.

I love movement, lots of exercise and sweat. Not a cold sweat, hallucinating and when every step feels like a hard mile… Ok, a bit exaggerating here.
Still, wasn't a lotta fun!

I feel like a beer but perhaps…oh well, we’ll see, I might have it.

Yesterday’s water fast started with water but finished with a soup, nuts, and chocolate a few hours later.
So much for my strong will..
I planned to starve the flu/cold bug that had literally knocked me down earlier this week, but it seems that my body needs heaps of nutrients to be able to pack and organize everything for vacating the apartment and getting me back to Darwin soon.

I’ve done water fasts before, even while having a cold (they proved really efficient), but I was never this stressed.

I believe that this illness is a symptom of being worn out after my travels, worrying about the move and the unknown waiting for me in the Northern Territory, and all the rather hidden excitement that this change of scenery brings with it. An interesting mix.

Some people feel guilty when they rest and do nothing. I guess it could be me too - we get sick, so there’s no other option but take it easy and rest a lot.

It seems like I shifted back into my masculine doer after a period of honoring the feminine feeler and receiver. Well, it wasn’t long enough!

I hope I’ll be back on track with my exercise routine soon. I feel a little chubby (probably am). Plus, this energy-less and lazy Pavlina doesn’t suit me.

Ahhh… Wild Dancing, Dynamic Yoga, Tough Pilates, how much I miss you!

Who am I? Living one's truth. Part II.

I arrived in my rented apartment in Brisbane, eyes in awe how clean it was. Another slight shock came when I unlocked a few cupboards and my closet... I own all that??!

I've lived off of my suitcase for the past 3 weeks, and it was awesome! Sometimes I didn't even unpack it all, doing just fine with one T-shirt, leggings and some cosmetics.

I remember people telling me in the past in a motherly/fatherly tone: "You can't be a nomad all your life, Pavlina...."
Well, perhaps not all the life to come, but so far so good! I've always felt the safest on the road, and maybe it's time to acknowledge it as something rather positive. I am one with variety and I need to change the scenery often. The gypsy blood in me just feels like 'home' everywhere on Mother Earth!

I'm mildly scared by all the stuff I own. Luckily, it's probably nowhere near to what most people own - at least those who bought their own apartment/house. Well, it's never been my case!
It will be fun selling all the [already cheap] furniture, and giving away piles of clothes, shoes, and books...
Yeah of course... it will be. fun. I think.

I feel quite detached from my apartment now. Especially after letting it to several Airbnb people who left their energy behind. The place was mine, but it's not mine.

I have a new calling, you could say... It's a plan (omg, I have a plan?! Possibly for the first time in my life.) 
There will be a lot of dancing in the beginning, but it's going to evolve into something much bigger.
I'm not sure how the following quote relates to what I just mentioned. Regardless, it's a reflection of my new expansiveness that's bursting to get out into the Universe and impact and empower more people... young people.

You see, I was all that I described in the part I. post. Perhaps I haven't been yet what I did not describe, but at the same time, it has always been there - within me. 
So how does one answer "Who am I?", when there are so many identities we adopt, even if for a while, then ditch for a while or forever, and some we only entertain in the privacy of our minds. Those public ones tend to lead to better/improved/new identities which couldn't have been initially picked up without some kind of prior knowledge, or trial and error experience. Whereas the imaginary identities only lead to.... Crazy ??!

In Margot Anand's (a world-known Tantric guru) outrageously honest and mind-blowing book: Love, Sex, and Awakening, she cites a Vietnamese Buddhist Monk, Thich Nhat Hanh.
According to Margot, Thich Nhat Hanh
"advocates doing everything we can to protect and heal those who have been molested and also those who are the molesters - because they are sick and, if not helped, will perpetrate similar crimes on the next generation."¹

I loved, loved, loved the book! I have certainly something in common with her. 

However, doing Tantrika's work in NOT my calling, and although I need to accept that sex-curious part of my personality, it has been but a small event in my life. During those 18months, I concentrated my focus mainly on men as the ones in need of healing, the ones having been misunderstood, the ones to adore - not to scorn at or condemn for acting as unconscious sexual pigs.

I believe that doing Tantra and working with men from a slight distance, rather than having them in my vagina, definitely helped me to heal myself in return. I was in need of curing all the preconceived ideas about men and sex, men and their masculine/feminine, or men and their "respect-disrespect" towards women.

I restored my broken faith in men and what it should mean to be one. Not that I'll ever absolutely know!

I wish that every woman gets a little bit of this neo-tantric education so she can understand men better - and as a byproduct, herself.

My new calling is... so obvious, it's here.

I need to take bold action. And I have tons of excuses. But I will. I just need to discuss it first with a few old dogs.

Meanwhile, I will continue doing Tantra for love. (Not at all because someone needs to pay the bills)

Let's follow our passions! 
Passions are always there, within. We don't need to look for them.

No one ever told me that.
We have integrity when we pursue a path that feels right, as if we were born to do so. People can feel if the heart is in it or not!

¹Anand, Margot. “Tantra: The Shadow and The Light.” Love, Sex, and Awakening: an Erotic Journey from Tantra to Spiritual Ecstasy, Llewellyn Publications, a Division of Llewellyn Worldwide, Ltd., 2017, pp. 285

Who am I? Living one's truth. Part I. (Possibly the most important post here)

Inspired by last night's yoga, ecstatic dance, a couple of quotes, and information that my client shared with me, I'm still feeling excited and I need to write!
At the moment I have only a small audience. There are many who read my blog, but don't report back, or treat following my posts as very anonymous and private - I'm fine with that.
But I'm going to make myself more visible! I will keep sharing, and I'll start spreading my message publicly. Website revamp is on.
The first person to know what I'm up to will be my mum...[unfortunately]. That's the sign I've been getting in my other dreams, not the nightmares about Him (That's his name, that's why the capital H.)

The inspiration:
First quote: "Is this really how I wanna live?" 
I wish I could remember who said that! Was that in a video from Oprah, or a stint from Marie Forleo? Anthony Robbins? Ester Hicks? I've seen it or heard it somewhere this week and it got me thinking!
The second quote comes later...

At the studio that I only visited for a gig of Elijah Ray before, a beautiful yoga teacher Emma B started yesterday's Vinyasa flow by setting an intention to recognize that which feels like coming home again...
She gave a few examples - doing yoga after a long absence, finally eating after starving all day, meeting a best friend after many years, finally painting, cooking.... etc.
The first thing that occurred to me was DANCING, then SEX - yes, it always feels like coming home (more on that later) but definitely, it is DANCING.

When I asked the Spirit last Sunday: "Where would I feel happier? Sitting in a cinema and watching Wonderwoman (for which I already paid), or taking a long walk to sunset markets and finding something to eat there?"
It sounds so obvious now! It made me laugh when the answer came - but, not so fast - prior to my asking it out loud there was a mess, all mixing and mingling in my head. I had feelings of guilt for wasting money (the cinema ticket), for not wanting to relax as I said I would, and then other feelings surfaced - do I really wanna walk somewhere that far just to get some food, eat it ALONE and then walk back???

However, when I composed a simple question, detached of all [untrue] emotions..... the answer felt like a gush of fresh air with many positive feelings attached! The Spirit knew!

Needless to say, I had the time of my life. It wasn't just about the delicious Sri-Lankan food at all. It was the Tribal gig, then another solo gig, the sweaty spontaneous dancing, the lovely people around, the great vibes, and the walk there and back offered great sights of Darwin too.

Dancing, even if unplanned, is like coming home... that is my passion. It never feels lonely, the joy is contagious, and as a result, everything else feels familiar.

As per sex, I have a confession: I have been a hypocrite.

I don't enjoy being other people's doorway to a better orgasm! 
In fact, I couldn't care less about other people's sex lives!! What interests me is my own pleasure.
Before leaving Darwin, I had a bit of fun - just after writing that short post where I admitted to being busy fantasizing about sex with J. Well, he won't be too happy if he reads this one.
I let the first date with a new man go a little bit (ok, a lot) outside of the lines...
But it felt like coming home :) I just accepted what he was offering, and when I was done (for the third time), I got up and literally left him there.... standing...
Well, in this modern world a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do. She has no time to work hard for a man's ultimate release.
(I didn't beg him to "do me" after all, I was ready to keep it friendly!)
So now you know - doing me is fun, but not necessarily a "finish" for you.
It could be different if we actually made love, but there was no way that I'd go all the way with this new man (so soon).

Who am I? 
A past exotic dancer is a very mean description, Tantric practitioner sounds overrated and I actually disliked the label ever since the start (I like touching people, but as I said, I don't care about people's sex lives, unless it's Margot Anand's and depicted in her book!), a slut doesn't sound quite right (I made love to just a handful of guys in the last 5 years) even though there were many different experiences, likewise, offering couple's counseling is highly unlikely to fulfill me - as I don't see myself wanting to honor my passions in this way!

I just love having sex - like most people do (or everyone).

Do I feel empowered when I help other people open up their eyes to healthy sexuality?
Yes.
Does it feel beautiful seeing others feel better about themselves when I listen to them, offer unconditional love and understanding, or inspire them?
Oh Yes.

So, the question remains:
Where do I have the most Integrity???

Follow my journey as I answer myself in part II. 

Nightmares despite living the dream

Because He was supposed to be the one. 

That's why it hurt so bad, that's why I was angry. 

I had some preconceived notions of what true love should look like, and it felt awful when those crumbled. 

He made me feel like a princess, so I expected Him to be my prince.

Instead, I felt betrayed by life, God, and the Universe...  

I came to understand that it's safer to run from any idealized versions of reality.

I've had a few nightmares in this past year and a half. Nearly all of them - except one, featured my ex as the main protagonist. 

The initial bad dreams began after I got back home to Czech broken-hearted. The nightmares appeared again back in Australia: at a shared accommodation and my next two solo rented places. One depicted on this blog described him pushing my chest so hard that it felt as if my heart was cracking all over again, making the wound fatal.

Isn't it strange that he still finds a way into my dream? I wake up in sheer terror with my heart beating fast.

Last night I woke up three times. He featured in the latter two nightmares, where my mind produced fucked up scenarios of him doing weird stuff... (coming into my room unannounced, looking like a Joker with a whiskey in his hand and murderous twinkle in his blue eye; or drinking lots of tap water and chanting: I can't stop, I can't stop...)

My unconscious sends me these images and rehashes any negativity I used to associate with him... is it a warning of sorts?

I don't feel that way at all in my waking life! In fact, I don't feel much at all - in context with him.

My head is busy appreciating Darwin's wilderness, stressing about extending my Australian visa, fantasizing about sex with J, arranging Tantra appointments, wanting to write a book, or thinking about how to stop snacking on sweets... No sign of Him whatsoever.

Maybe I shouldn't have sent him the live video of me having fun at the Mindil Beach sunset markets??? It was.. well, a bit in vain. I'm looking my best and free self there!

Let me tell you, the mind is a mischief.

I feel the most authentic, nomadic, connecting, empowering, happy and free ME these days, and I'd like to bottle up this feeling and proudly carry it with me from day to day.

It feels safer than ever to travel, live like a nomad, and connecting to others through my work

Darwin, NT

Winter in Darwin is like no other winter out there!
I'm falling in love with this city.
Anyway, time to go to bed so I can jump into the pool early in the morning. I wouldn't risk it later in the day (it's hot, hot, hot), neither I'd risk trading the pool for the ocean up here, or the river so to speak. Ah, what a shame they've got crocs and sharks everywhere!
But it's the more exciting this way... my dad would love it over here too! I Will have to figure out how to let him know that I'm planning to exchange the safety of a city for an adventurous life near the outback.

I had some interesting discussions with myself and experienced a couple of breakthroughs while walking through Darwin's inspiring nature. I'm going to find some time to write them out soon.

On Self-Discipline #fitness #horniness

My Tantra workshop went really well. Only a small number of people turned up, but their amazing collective energy was all I needed to feel that the prior stress had been worth it.
Apparently what was much appreciated, along with the few interactive exercises we did, was my honesty about my past sexual experiences and my confession that I have never had a Tantric sex. That being said - with someone; because I do with myself (a lot). I've had amazing sex (with J, or other men in the long past), but it was not exactly 'Tantric'.

So my search for a tantric partner began. And maybe I don’t have to look too far. One of the attendees is pretty keen…

Obviously, I wouldn't try Tantric sex with just any ordinary man, but this guy is pretty experienced! I know that he wasn’t boasting or trying to look smarter than me because I’ve massaged him today. I observed his breathing and I felt his energy vibrate all over. I had a go too.
I had a small taste of what it felt like to merge into a meditative bliss with the man just lying next to me… then I ‘woke up’ out of the emerging ecstasy and felt a bit frightened. Sure, there are no intimacy issues when you are ‘there’. But if you snap out of ‘there’, the made up fear comes back and it is a frickin' party-pooper. 

The vibration all over my body resembled the awakened kundalini that I experienced during a dance few weeks before - very cool!
Then we went jog-walking together…
How exciting the Tantric path feels! :)

I have another confession. When I slept with D., I noticed that he had what Margot Anand calls: penile insensitivity. In her 5th and 
10th chapters - she writes how vigorous thrusting during sex damages the muscular tissues around genitals, weakens the PC pump, the hips and puts a strain on the prostate.

Prostate - the gold mine, the seat of masculinity (!NOT heterosexuality!), and the semen-retention switch…Just a miracle, guys!

D. had been putting so many layers of 'body armor' on the genital area, that he caused himself to be less sensitive there, needing a lot of stimulation in order to let the sexual energy flow - with one trouble - he flows it out - rather than in.

Good news, penile insensitivity can be easily healed.

What we learn in Tantra is that sexual energy should flow throughout the whole body- it vibrates it, it heals it, it strengthens our chakras and then enters our minds for a lasting bliss. 

For example, I unblock myself with Reiki, and then touch myself gently, breathing into my chakras and moving the fire up and up 'the inner flute'…containing the energy within without any strong stimulation.

When will the insensitive-penises men start to leave their egos outside of the bedroom and perhaps learn something new from their [Tantric] lovers?

Watching porn gave us an illusion that we should have sex like animals. Sometimes we can.. 

However, I believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience and learning about meaningful, soulful, and conscious sex is part of it!

I'm recharging now. I'm realizing more and more that I am an Introvert.
I'm craving ME-time, especially after what seemed like the busiest weekend of my life - LEARNING (marketing) & TEACHING (sex edu). But I loved it regardless. I also bonded with Laura and we had a great after-party right after the workshop.

*By the way, I'm not saying that J. has that aforementioned penis issue too, he doesn't. He can handle showing up as vulnerable, open-hearted, and gentle in and out of the bed. 

But I feel like he might be a taker regardless.

Time to find a yin-yang lover :)