I think that it’s the vision of a painful new start in the unknown. The vision of something sad and lonely we’ll have to go through, and the hard-work ahead to dream new dreams.
If I knew back then that less than 1 year later I would be this happy, I could have laughed already. As Tony Robbins mentioned during his gig - there are situations we assess as “Some day I will laugh at this”. Tony proposed “Why wait?”
Well, waiting because we’re not lunatics? ;)
Hurting after breakups is inevitable.
But remember, perhaps one year later… you’ll happily laugh at the prior vision of doom.
Yesterday I had to do some forgiving all over again. Not to Him, but to me.
Describing the sneaky and subtle alarm bells which were hugely (completely) inspired by Him, made me sick in the stomach.
Why did I stick around for so long?
Why did I think that he needed to change in order for me to feel happy?
I wasn’t centered at all.
I went to my pilates class after work, still having the queasiness inside, where I heard one of the sad tunes from Adele (not the one I would have sung 6 months before). It had me shivering. A frustrating, longing world of the past. "Sorry" we were, but it is all a history.
I imagined my heart, deep red, just recovered from a trauma, but beautiful and pumping. Then I saw this tiny scar on the upper left side. It was ingrained. Never disappearing. A very finely patched up wound. Smooth, one pronounced - thick line. No damaged tissue around it. In fact, it looked nearly perfect. A piece of art.
That scar is part of my story. It represents the broken hopes, broken trust, broken people and beyond - it also represents what I used to be willing to put up with.
Still, it seems like nothing major had happened, yet everything came crushing down at once and today, I carry this perfect tiny scar on me.
Carrying it actually doesn’t hurt at all.
I can simply own it, and wear it like the other scars indicating my brokenness - with enough of respect and pride.
If the scar is already there, what else can we do than treasure it?
Scars develop so we may function again, sometimes even better.
Let’s make it better.
Perhaps we needed that long experience of suffering to help someone else suffer less.
I am POSITIVE there won’t be any more men like him in my future, because there is no old me in that future. I am not the same person I was 1 year ago, 6 months ago, or perhaps even in November. (I feel like saying thank you, Ralf, the beautiful soul who popped out of nowhere and then disappeared again. Perhaps it was a dream. But Angels get human forms every now and again.)