Getting what through celibacy?

Sleepless nights are often the body's way of telling us that we have been lying to ourselves. Perhaps living in a stubborn denial of the truth? Worries are lies too. The pictures in our heads are not real and not guaranteed to happen.

Regarding myself, the only noticeably annoying thing about not sleeping enough is how much I want to eat the next day. A lot! 

I felt full of energy on Thursday night, thinking about the past and future, drifting back, floating forward, then freaking over my beating heart. The ungraspable anxiety shook my little core a little too much that time. I wasn’t sure whether my panic lasted a few minutes or a few hours. 

The evening prior, I was unpacking and restocking at the store where I work, I cycled back home 7km, tried to resist the midnight hunger pangs and went to bed exhausted but somewhat puzzled as I always do at that early morning hour. Normally, I would have been fast asleep at that time. Last night, I interrupted the familiar biorhythm, minutes turned into hours, I twisted and turned, then around 3am I got up and had a snack, since dinner was ages ago.
I felt comforted. 
Nevertheless, at 5am I was calling my sister on WhatsApp. A surprise for her to hear me at that hour! It was the evening in Prague, she was shopping for some dinner while singing me a lullaby… The next time I looked at my phone, the screen flashed 9am.

I got up, toasted some sourdough, and scooped peanut butter from the jar straight into my mouth.

Our thoughts are like little monkeys. They're running around, smashing things, making fun of each other and consequently driving us mad.
Sometimes, it’s so hard to distinguish which monkey is the leader and which one causes the most mess.

In my case, is it the monkey who is worried about making the wrong financial move next week? Is it the monkey who keeps laughing at my naivety regarding the men in my life, at my co-dependence regarding toxic relationships and friendships?

Or is it the monkey who keeps nagging and entertaining me with the idea of celibacy?  

A confession: This year I have slept with 5 men. In hindsight, it is the lowest annual number since I started being sexually active, but - the but is what counts - the highest since I quit my previous, self-abusive, life. Let me explain. The two significant sexual changes I made in my life turned everything I knew about me upside down - when I went from promiscuous to somewhat professional, and from professional to 'ordinary' lost girl looking for a relationship (perhaps somewhere around the clumsy attempt with my ex). But I'm still clumsy!

My ex triggered the craving for a meaningful sex, but I didn't know how to go about it. Should I search for it, push it, or does it develop on its own?

Today, I ask myself: Have I ever made a commitment to myself? 
Did I stop sleeping around because I wanted to focus on getting more out of life, or because I felt through with men and full of resentment?
Did I start working and being of service to others because I cared about them, or because I wanted to escape my own longing for love and healing?

Sadly, it’s always been the latter.
I slept with those five handsome men because I felt lonely, possibly not good enough and I needed to prove myself that I could seduce whomever I wanted.
I also slept with those random men this year because I could. Because I know that I am attractive, able to snap my fingers and they’ll come running to my bed. 

I don't want to do that anymore.

The most recent time I’ve done such thing, about two weeks ago, I crossed the line.

I decided that it was about time to have sex with my fairly new Darwin friend before he leaves for good. Yes, he happens to be beautiful - physically and spiritually. Not only he faintly resembles Thor, the God of Thunder, but he also always means well.
However, since we slept together, I have not been feeling good. Good about myself, the twisted decision, and neither do I feel particularly good about him as a person.
(Just another sexy man taking advantage of a no-strings-attached shag. Well, I 'offered' and we both must have seen that coming.) 

Assessing the events of the last two, three months, taking up a lover who had a drinking problem and strings attached to his latest ex, then disposing of him because of my fears of rejection, only to be drowning in total anxiety soon after, contemplating leaving Darwin, then actually trying a different guy in bed, just in case he would leave Darwin earlier than I would. Which he did.

These unplanned, mildly egoistic and not very thoughtful affairs could get out of control.
Now, I am where I started one year ago. Alone and not looking.

I'm just looking forward to Ralf visiting Brisbane soon. Hahah!

I need to commit to myself before I see him again. My secret lolita persona could make a big fat mistake. I suspect it is just my monkey mind playing tricks on me though. I have no desire to take our year-long, long-distance fascination any further. Plus, I know, I know, he’s married, and all that.

There is something interesting about the articles about celibacy that my sister sent me… To be honest, I’d been contemplating this before we began discussing it.

I’ve had a lot of sex in my life and many bouts of depression. Could that be related?

I’m only just starting to come back to myself after the latest escapade with my friend. I don’t have to be giving my power away, hoping for a connection, yet losing the track of where I want to be heading. I must hard-work my way to better self-esteem, positive attitude, and expect new results in my life if only I focus on strengthening my boundaries.

Making love exclusively to myself and God for as long as it takes sounds actually quite great.

Can I commit to myself for a whole year, having no distractions, and thus, eventually, get what I want?

Sex has never been it. I could list exactly what followed with these five men in details - Nothing. It was going nowhere.
The orgasms I got, were just orgasms. I can give them to myself, and guess what, much better!

If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done…
Food for thought.

The Benefits of Making Commitments

I’m listening to Deya Dova and imagining that I’m dancing at the Flow festival in Western Australia which is due in two weeks. I won't make my way over there, but as you can imagine, I’m up for grooving in my living room anytime.

The post today is about “making commitments” with regards to achieving the grandeur goals, completing our karma, and learning new life lessons - totally individualistic and changeable as we grow.

The script of my life was set very early - unstable home - tending to choose the flight response as opposed to fighting. Later, my fears became more specific: the threat of no home, the fear of rejection and non-acceptance.
So I kept running and running…hoping to escape my fears of impending demise, or finding out that I wasn't worthy of help.

Panic attacks crept up slowly and steadily and stayed for some time.

I found it so damn hard to live in one place, committing to one full-time job, staying in one relationship that was evolving into a deep intimacy, or sticking to a decision to grow in an easy and loving way.

Yes, all those can be forms of commitments. Are we ready to learn through love, or we continue learning through fear and doubt?

What do I think are my lessons, the challenges, to be embraced now at 30 years old:

• To see things through to the end.
• To stay.
• To ground.
• To make commitments.
• To create my own home and stability.
• To live my life authentically, focused on love, and not acting upon the fears in my head.

The moment I made the commitment to stay in Darwin despite hardships, I found a job. More importantly, when I signed up for a year-long membership in a ladies-gym-only, my new Australian student visa came through.
Three long months of uncertainty are over!

The question that bugs my mind is: 
Can we make commitments and still feel free?

One of the best quotes ever:

“Man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains.”
- Jean-Jacques Rousseau

I feel in chains when something’s set in stone, when there is a ceiling to how much I can make, when I need to comply with visa conditions, when I need to commit to memberships, when I see a monotonous environment for too long, when I’m threatened by penalties for taking my time, when a guy’s clearly with me just so he has regular sex but I’m headed towards dependency, when I can’t modify my circumstances due to the political and economic systems, when I need to stick with things to see results in ages to come… shit!
Ever heard of immediate gratification? Or of a room for a surprising turn of events? Perhaps just a permission to breathe in peace, and believing in miracles just around the corner. It is a funky stuff. Commitments scare the shit out of me :(

“I prefer liberty with danger than peace with slavery.”
― Jean-Jacques Rousseau

In my opinion, we need to create our own freedom in everything that we think, feel and do. That is our responsibility. This is not the age of slavery, unless we let it be so.

What are the benefits of making commitments? Why do I feel like I need to start making them?

“If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done.”
― Thomas Jefferson

Let's say that:

• A degree wouldn’t just turn up around the corner. It takes at least three years…
• Long-term memberships tend to save money over time.
• Pay-raise is not immediate - we need to demonstrate great skills and loyalty to the company.
• Relationships don’t happen overnight. They evolve in a matter of weeks, months, years…
• The commitment to a healthy lifestyle yields positive results after having adopted it for a few months at least.

Sometimes, we just have to commit to ourselves and our wellbeing, not to someone or something else.
If we commit and stay, we are likely to find something valuable that would otherwise be inaccessible while on the run.
Traveling is great, but it cannot last forever. 70 and still homeless, sleeping by the fire, heating up beans, and flirting with 18-year-old backpackers every night? Alright, maybe the last bit.

Good luck with making commitments!

Life pushes us forward #sexualhealing

Oops, I have missed my blog's birthday! My very first post was on 25th October 2016.

We are officially 1 year old! Yay.

And we are healed. From the break up with Him. That's all. There's still a lot of shit to get through.

I've never claimed to be an enlightened, perfect Guru.
Neither I'm that vain to worry about admitting that my mind is still a mess sometimes. I believe that we can never truly get our shit together as long as life keeps happening and we're still breathing.
Beautiful.

The breakup had occured 20 months ago and compelled me to vent my anger and sadness on this blog. I got over it. I still love Him as a friend, a human being along with all our common friends. 
I'll probably come to visit around Christmas, him and I might take a bath together, but we won't sleep together and neither we'll make plans for the future together. Thus, life will go on. 

I feel like I was born a little messed up so my life could be more interesting!

Heartaches...

It doesn't matter if you agree with the expression "Everything happens for a reason" or you hate it to bits, it is essentially true. You just have to find your own "why", and see the reason with courage. Everything that happens in life pushes you forward onto the next step, the next path, the next life.
Even for banal things that we don't think about, like: "the sun goes down every night", there is a reason (other than physics) : It's time to go to bed and get ready for a new day.

Bad things happen to us so we break and shatter into pieces. Then we start again, we make changes, we unravel, emerge, burst, embark upon something new, we must move on...

Therefore, I am doing my best to help others where I helped myself. Here comes an idea for my new project:

ARE YOU IN NEED OF SEXUAL HEALING?

Hello Ladies,
My name is Pavlina, I am a member of Fernwood Fitness, a sex educator, holistic practitioner, Tantra therapist and a life coach.

I empower women with regards to their sexuality. I am developing a program where I help women heal their relationship to their bodies and their sexuality, as a preparation for an international certification in Sexological Bodywork™.

I am looking for volunteer women who feel they may be sexually repressed, they suffered sexual abuse in the past, have a love/hate relationship with their bodies, battle with sexual shame and guilt, or unsuccessfully try to heal their relationship to men (and the divine masculine).

I offer three free sessions with me (total 3 hours) in exchange for a feedback (survey) and an anonymous testimonial on my website.

The sessions include absolute confidentiality, unconditional love and support, non-judgmental listening, emotional freedom techniques and also a hands-on Tantric therapy - a body massage to help you reconnect with your body, harmonize your chakras and open up the energetic channel between your earthly realm (shakti energy) and the spiritual realm (shiva energy).

Although profound results are not guaranteed after just three sessions, it should still bring you happiness and feelings of wellbeing. If you wanted to step beyond your comfort zone even further, I would be delighted to offer a reduced rate for continuing our sessions weekly, coaching you until you reach your desired outcome. This is a one time opportunity!

If this is something that interests you, please text me to arrange your first hour of free consultation conducted either at my home, a short walk from Fernwood, or at your chosen place.

You may also check my website:
pavlinatribe.com


I look forward to hearing from you!
Love

Pavlina