When life makes sense

Around 7pm last night the house didn't exhibit any sounds. An ideal opportunity to burn off the biscuits, chocolates and whatever else I keep stealing from the kids. I danced and used their trampoline for my cool workout all alone in peace.

Some of you might have read that I began to look after my friend's little girls part-time. I moved into their house to make it easier for all of us. So, in fact, I am around the kids nearly all the time! OMG.
I must have been out of my mind when making that decision - Hurray!

Change your brain, change your life; Break up with the old self, change your behavior - start producing new emotions and create new thought patterns... I might as well have children of my own one day! 

Not.
Do I want to have kids? Ah, that is a topic I might get back to and divulge more details about later.

In short, I am very happy where I live now. Lida is an amazing woman and friend and her girls are little adorable devils that I love very much. In fact, I am so elated. Sometimes it feels as if I have a family again. Since I am scheduled to relocate for school and business in a month, I started entertaining second thoughts. Why did I have to start feeling as if I belonged just before going away? This house is both a homecoming and a temporary-solution for everyone involved. I can’t do no wrong. I think. I could easily stay here. 

I am just too great with change. Thus, taking a risk by focusing only on my career and moving to where there is more demand for my services sounds exhilarating.
Anyway, I trust that what needs to be done will be done. No one in Darwin bothers to execute decisions swiftly.

As I'm jumping up and down on the trampoline to a classic 90's r'n'b playlist (R Kelly, Next, TLC and likes), overlooking the palm-tree tops, observing a beautiful orange hue on the horizon and the rising near-full moon, I experience a very exciting sensation that my life is finally making sense. One might describes it as living in the moment, feeling into the present conditions, noticing the surroundings as part of my being, not knowing where I end and the Universe begins.... or you might call it a focused effort on growing into a responsible adult who does anything possible to cope, be useful and loved in life and therefore, feels quite content.

I am not a ‘having-it-all-figured-out' kinda superwoman. I still have a small dose of anxiety with my morning coffee or matcha tea every day; I am a sucker for making sweet breakfast which I shouldn't, I fight snacking all day long, I plan to figure out digital marketing once and for all, should write more, feel guilty for procrastinating, think about fitting in a real exercise in the evening, and in the end settling for a glass of wine and Netflix.
Yoga Nidra meditation helps me drift off to sleep around midnight or later, despite knowing too well that I'm getting out of bed very early in the morning.

In spite of not being perfect, I just finished a little e-book/blueprint on getting out of depression, including hacks for more freedom in life - It made me so proud. I'm waiting for having it proof-read and hear opinions of those who matter. Anyone interested in getting the rough copy before I manage to put it out there? :)

Yesterday, I believed that my life made sense. I'd like to remember that sensation forever. It requires a lot of effort to act in congruence with our highest values and best vision for ourselves. But it's damn worth it.

My life is not without flaws. I’m still learning to spend less and save more, I'm behind on my school assessments and I've put on a kilo or two since snacking on 'kid's foods’ (That has got to stop, seriously).

But joy lives in this house and definitely in my room, my comfy bed and the table desk that's witnessing my new crazy projects.

Ask yourself - 

Am I living in accordance with my deepest truth?
If not, what can I do so my life would make sense again?

It is my wish that people stop pleasing others before they please themselves.

With love,
Pavlina

Check-in or check out ? #Darwin

It’s time to check in. Literally.

I escaped to Brisbane earlier last week and was due to fly back to Darwin that Saturday. Little did I know that Darwin would enter a cyclone watch and all Saturday’s flights would get cancelled. 

Dear Virgin airlines had been warning me all Friday evening while I was partying with my girls Lauren and Hollis and not quite registering those messages. However, “your flight was rescheduled” rang a little alarm bell prompting me to open the message and call the number right away.

What? Sunday and Monday flights are sold out and the next available flight is 12 hour long through Adelaide and Alice Springs? You’re kidding me? My visa is at stakes!

I was being quite serious. I could‘t imagine missing yet another Monday and Tuesday class... what if they’d dispell me?! But not getting to school on time seemed inevitable one way or the other.

Being an old rebel or just an impulsive mad woman, I asked for a full refund and used my Virgin credit to fly to Perth instead.

So here I am in one of my most favorite cities in Australia, feeling guilty for missing my classes, when I receive a message from my friend Taylor : “BCA is closed today for power outage.”

A few hours later I get a message from BCA itself - “We will be closed until a further notice. Expecting to open on Thursday.”

Ah...

Once I said to our hot teacher that I was a psychic. Now I can totally own that.

Always follow your dreams. The Universe will take care of the rest.

I am ready to go back to Darwin soon though. I started looking after two little girls and I am - shockingly - missing them too much!

#metoo article nearly ready

My contribution to the Byron Bay Mag is nearly finished. 
Suggested 800 words turned into 2500 words so there's gotta be some cutting! I'm glad that Mark O'Brien offered editing and a punctuation support 😅

Here's a little unedited teaser.
It starts like this:

“Have you been raped?” many people ask upon seeing my passionate reactions along with the posts I prepared in response to the #metoo phenomena.

“I’m not sure - and you’re missing the point!” could be my response instead of the usual irritated "No-o".

With so many old and new definitions of rape, yeah, I probably was.

However, this article won’t be about the possible time in my mid-twenties when I might have woken up under a stranger unconscious and wondered what had happened. That didn’t quite affect me, though other things did. Luckily, I built a resilient wall around my heart a long time prior to any questionable sex-incident.

This article will discuss the inexplicable rage I feel when faced with male and female power-battles and the dangerous hatred towards the opposite sex that runs in the blood of many women I’ve met, including me.

How can we best deal with those emotions of anger surrounding 'sexual abuse as abuse of power'? It is time to look within and strive for peace and reconciliation"

I hope it will shock and open the eyes of many men! By the way, it is in no way written from an angry female-feminist perspective to degrade the opposite sex. It is just a surprisingly honest account of one woman's journey which will hopefully benefit any gender.

(Mark's feedback regarding my draft has confirmed my aspirations)

Watch out.

Pregnant and expecting great results #B-School

I am so overjoyed!
I am pregnant.

But not with a baby.
(Did another test this morning and clear as this Friday’s sky, I am not expecting, not pregnant with a child, the test was negative, again. 
April 8th: Got my period after 70 days. All back to normal. Hormones... )

I am pregnant with a business idea.

I took the bravest step of my adult life and signed up for Marie Forleo’s annual B-School. Expensive and scary.

Not many of you may know how much I adore this multi-talented female entrepreneur, who has been my virtual mentor for the past 5-6 years. I follow her blog, eagerly watch her videos in my inbox every Tuesday, and I dig the interviews she did with all my favorites: Tony Robbins, Simon Sinek, Tim Ferriss, Elizabeth Gilbert, Kelly Brogan or Seth Godin to mention just a few that I watched with my jaw open. There were many incredible others which I don’t remember by name.

I have so many ideas on how to communicate my message with regards to holistic living, conscious sexuality and overcoming the addiction to staying where one does not belong... but where to start?
In fact, I tend to start, then stop, then start and then I am off to a new idea... Yes, I too, need a coach.
So Marie suggests that I should do it now??

I can’t believe I had filled in the details just 15 minutes before the enrollment for 2018 closed. I am probably sparkling right now!

Sitting on the funny gym bicycle watching her past B-schoolers remembering their journeys (what a workout!), I thought: “How long will I wait before joining the passionate and successful?”
“Will I create yet another excuse in 2019 for postponing this until the year after?”
Marie said, “Join as a hot mess... we’ll unhotmess you.” (I love how she makes up words)
I was in.
But there come the money side of things...

The cost flashed at me again, year after year the same and again totally out of reach. Lifetime access - great. The payment plan didn’t seem so daunting.

Other questions followed...
“Is this program on my bucket list for ‘someday’ and is it an unconditional must-do?”
Yes.
“How much would I be willing to invest in myself have I known that not only my progress was guaranteed (if not a steady success) but also the person coaching me was totally worth it?”
I’d happily invest that same monthly amount they asked.
So why wait, why not NOW?

I trust that the Universe has my back. I’ve been asking for a coach for quite some time. I used to enjoy meeting with my coach Mrs. Liskova back in Prague and it has no doubt put me on the right path... This is a combination of online, group and video coaching though, so will I follow through?

Marie is a very likable person whom I listen to and I am sure that she must have a very like-minded team.
If I’m serious, the Universe will provide and take care of the rest (the time, financing, kicking my butt into action and finding the self-discipline and confidence that I need to utilize all I’ve got.).
I firmly believe it.

Ok, I’m off to get some frozen peas for dinner. I should also forget about a trip back to Europe anytime soon, create a waiting list for everything else and put some cash into my bank account so my gym membership will go through the next week...

I’ve never been more inspired.

A little bit of fear’s creeping up but other than that I feel that I’ve already done something right this year.
(Not a baby)

xxx

Pussy diaries

I have to talk to my womb tonight and ask her what’s going on...

I had a lunatic night on Sunday. 
Moving units the very next morning and taking a secret trip out of Darwin at 6am, I had no choice but to stay awake all night.

I am the worst mover, packer and sleeper when it comes to organization and early flights so I thought why not kill two, three birds with one stone and just do it all in 24 hours, while also procrastinating, hopping out to see a movie, joining in for a celebratory drink and an illegal late night pool swim, and then catching up with a friend at mine to talk about nothing until 1am.

The friend was Little Birdie... my first fling in Darwin and the very first little disappointment.
We got on well in the last couple of months, texting and joking here and there.
He’s doing fine getting over his ex, until he isn’t. In my experience, there is no deadline when it comes to getting over someone you loved but can’t be with.

Little Birdie admitted to a new love affair and a frustration: “I seem to be able to get only girls who are either taken or.. “ pointing his chin at me...
“Go on, be honest, what was it?
“Well, you weren’t quite into me.”

My jaw dropped.
A total misunderstanding.

I was never not into him. We just had the worst communication ever and I ended up pushing him away, that’s what I do.

Anyway, nothing happened between us. He didn’t changed much and I didn’t want him in me - even though I could.

Not sure why or how that happened but while telling a story I mentioned that I hadn’t have my period in ages, yep 60 days, and that after the test showed negative I felt a little remorse because I longed to be a mum some day. (But of course, I always use a protection)

We laughed. He said that although he loved his ex,
if she became pregnant, he would have to run. Apparently, having a kid would ruin his life. (Not too funny)
I keep observing  his life in ruins ever since I’ve known him.

Luckily, he wasn’t the last one in my bed... The last one was a coward too, so I’ve stopped dating men altogether. Little Birdie couldn’t have known about that one night stand with Thor.

I told him not to worry, “even if I was, I probably wouldn’t tell the guy....”
Not thinking ahead, I unleashed a terror in the witness of my stupid comment.

Little Birdie went back into his and straight into a psychosis.
It was insane.
I knew he suffered anxiety attacks in the past but in my defence, I thought I explained myself well.
He dropped into a total horror, throwing up, crying and begging me to tell him the truth - was I really not pregnant?? And if I were, would I please not have it?

WTF?
I did not know how to react...
I tried reasoning, consoling him with all the wrong things, I even resorted to telling him about someone who else I slept with, it didn’t help.
I kept repeating I wasn’t pregnant and he kept hauling “if you were, tell me you wouldn’t have it, tell me! otherwise I’d kill myself!”

That shit was too unreal at 3am in the morning...
I guess that if I wasn’t absorbed in someone else’s tragedy, I’d have nothing else to do.
(Cleaning and packing perhaps??)

The next couple of days have passed in a weird haze.
I felt low, disgusted by his pussiness, and sure that there was an injustice committed on me. I’ve been aware that my lifestyle  couldn’t create a ‘fertile’ environment in the last few months. It is more likely that I have a polycystic ovary syndrome than anything (and I’d take that over becoming a single mum.)

I couldn’t sleep on Tuesday, remembering that Sunday night, I read his texts again and saw that he was probably not messing with me..
Maybe he wasn’t a psycho? a Joker accusing Batman that he had 4 legs and wondering how it might affect him [the Joker] when in fact, Batman was a mere snake and the Joker was just dreaming... ?

My neck hurt, and that was my sign that I must have been ‘off’ somewhere - I wasn’t seeing all sides of the issue.

I googled about caffeine and anxiety (alcohol is a sure thing) and a link led to a link and another link and there I was reading this:
http://www.byrdie.com.au/how-to-help-someone-with-anxiety

I understood that I didn’t handle the situation like a pro at all! The more I talked, the more I pushed him to the edge. I used to have different panic attacks-private ones. He has shown me a madness, an inability to see things rationally when the panic stroked but I was trapped in my own world and had no compassion.

I thought I’d apologize for having messed up. Interestingly, my neck stopped to hurt immediately

Lessons taken:
Always have some compassion and understanding for those who are panicking seemingly for no real reason. Say nothing, just agree and be there for them.

To all the women out there -
Don’t be with a guy who didn’t sort his shit out, doesn’t like himself, and wouldn’t want to take responsibility if you had a baby together.

Don’t run back into the past (harder in the head but - a good news - easily mastered in reality)

Don’t sleep with idiots (seems to be working for me)
Final words, If you have a pussy and identify yourself as a heterosexual woman who wants to keep her beautiful feminine shining, don’t sleep with another pussy. Full stop.

We need a man!

April 8th: Got my period after 70 days. All back to normal. Hormones...