Recognizing the road blocks

As I am nearing the point where I'll be ready to connect to someone else on a deeper level again - I catch myself falling! Just the thought of a "point" - where I'm supposedly "ready" - whoa, makes me dizzy and my heart beats fast!

Not only I don't know where it is, but - hell, I still got lots of really well hidden issues from all the past broken relationships! 

I will have to write more about PATTERNS. Because believe me, this blog has always meant to be mine. (It is Here)

I have forgiven everyone everything, yet - fear remains. Fear of intimacy, fear of being hurt again, of patterns repeating, and fear of attracting those same situations because I am not good enough.

I acknowledge myself for uncovering these fears and I know I can break the pattern.

Yes yes... Let's dive deep.

Silence can heal

Yesterday I found the guts to break the silence of nearly 5 months and tell my good acquaintance back at home what was really going on.
I flew out in a rush 5 months prior, so willing to start a new life with the man I was in love with that I did not even look over my shoulder to see what gems I was leaving behind!
I told her my apologies and sheepishly admitted that my plan had not gone too well and instead I fell into a deep black pit. Depression has always been a solitary thing for me (I guess it is for most people). I don't like to cry out loud, confide in my best friends, let alone the kind of friends one never tried to involve into daily routines. I had to close off until I found my wings again.
So there I was streaming my messages of news one by one.
She took it well. It felt really nice to catch up on her news.
It got me thinking once more that silence is much better than heaps of pretending. It is so important for me to be authentic now and speak my truth that I cannot imagine otherwise.
And hopefully it means I am one step closer to what I really want out of my life and the people by my side.

The new No Bullshit policy

Don't you love it when a person replies to you after days and days of silence and the message is like -blah.

Mate, if you don't have the balls to say what's really going on - just keep up the fuckin' silence! :)

I can handle the truth. I WANT the truth!

Just no lies, no excuses, no pretending - no bullshit please

Home is where the heart is (with or without him)

I came to Australia with the intention to get him longing to see me. We've had a rollercoaster romance that had survived some distance before, and I felt ready to test the waters again.
The plan A was - we get back together. I'd be sorted emotionally and financially and everything would be great then. Plan B was to gather all my savings, start some studies and stay in a city, but not very far away from him, and wait. Some day he would come and get me - and we'd get back together. Live happily ever after together.
If only he wanted to see me!
Now, I could call myself plain stupid, Rori Raye's teachings traitor, or supposedly even a hopeless romantic! Maybe all of it? Nevermind.
I needed a reality check :)
It took me only about 4 months, but I finally got it.
I am here on my own and I am SINGLE!
Regardless of that, I am not alone, at least not on Fridays at 5rhytms o'clock I am not alone. I dance with my tribe. And you know, home is where the heart is - and where you are understood. My heart is in dancing, conscious movement, in connecting, and sharing all the human emotions out there...
I am determined to make the most of my time in this amazing country and this cool city and to really LIVE my life!
xxx

Preacher or a Storyteller ?

Based on the story mentioned bellow... you may think - It could be very easy for me to feel smarter than him (and some other people), more conscious or "advanced", but it would be just as easy for me to call myself a lunatic if I tried to list all the self-development courses, self-help books, all the trance dancing, shaman journeying, meditating and smudging I have done and the new cocoa ceremonies I want to go to.. and yet, I am still not all right! :)


But - my point is - Who am I if I don't try to lead by an example?


Just words don't help. I believe it's the way I make others feel by my actions - actions of kindness. You can know it all (one never does), you can talk about it, you may give advices to people, but if they don't see you are living your truth, then shut up, you preacher. No more words. I say. I won't ever tell him (anyone) what to do.

I am just going to tell my story with hidden lessons. You may listen, you may watch, you may live your truth.

Surrender the idea you can fix someone

Last night I picked up this oracle card fom Judith Orloff, M.D. Her cards are beautiful and they always speak to my soul. I am well aware of my past mistake to try to change him. 
She doesn't say how - How to surrender the need/ the idea of fixing someone. You can read my how here. I had sort of an automatic vision while watching a nature video on youtube before going to bed. The insight I got from my vivid imagination was priceless.

Notice where you can fall in love again

"People break up and fall in love all the time" - Kate Shela (5rhythms dance teacher)
That's what she told me during the dance workshop DEEP.
It is so true isn't it?
Just today I realized it can be applied outside of relationships too. Recently I broke up with my old gym, and now I fell in love with hot yoga (again). I signed up for the one month promo and I know I will be going nearly every day.
Will I continue afterwards? Who knows...?

Watch out for your ego

Sometimes the ego prolongs the pain by whining that there are no legitimate reasons why the person has left you. It can be helpful to say out loud "He/She just doesn't want me. I can still be hot, smart, intelligent, fun, caring, sweet, sexy and delicious - but they just don't want whatever I have to offer." See the bigger picture. You don't run after every hot bargain in town either :)

I plan to create a forum and include more of my notes from February till now. Not so happy times, but the lessons were priceless

The archive of my painful break-up diary is coming soon. I just have to gather all my sources and transcribe some of the letters. I have written a lot since the beginning of this relationship and I think that there are many useful lessons for others to read. It might make you feel better about your own shit!

Unbelievably, today I woke up with the song "Still Falling For You" by Ellie Goulding on my mind :)
It makes me laugh a little.