Are they my biological family?

I got through it.

It was probably the toughest times of my life, at least health-wise. Perhaps because health had never been at the forefront of my mind, none of my concerns, I thought I was on top of things in that area. Then I realized that I could not control my body - that I had no say about my fevers. It was just a guessing game - is it going to be 38 today or 39.7? Why couldn’t I just decide that that was it and from then on I'd stay on 36 with no chills? I prayed every night.

Bed-bound and so weak for 7 days (after having had fevers for nearly a week already), the cocktail of medicine did not add to my overall strength. My joints hurt and I felt my muscles disappearing. My hospital room turned into my prison. But at the same time, I would be unable to travel very far had I wanted anyway. In between fevers, I swore I must have been hit by a truck. Just making a move from my bed to the toilet was a mission. 

At least I had a comforting view. There was a world out there and it was waiting for me to recover. I noticed that it was snowing a little. My friend said: “Don’t worry, it is the coldest in a hospital, you’ll be alright.” And he was right. When they let me go, the cold air was nothing and I welcomed it on my pale face. 

It’s been one week without fevers now and I am getting stronger by the minute. I do yoga and pilates every morning and a sense of wellbeing is returning for sure.

I find it quite unbelievable that I lived 2, 5 years amidst poisonous spiders, snakes, crocodiles, swam in the ocean with waves much higher than I’ve ever witnessed in Europe, all the while perfectly safe and healthy, except for a few colds this winter, and then some flea or a tick in Bali should knock me down. First of all, I do not remember that I would have been bitten. Is it possible to get a bacterial infection purely psychosomatically? I know that stress is a killer and lowers immunity. Sleepless nights due to long flights could not amount to anything good either, but honestly, I think I brought this feverish condition upon myself just so I could buy myself some time when depression bubbled up on the surface the moment I crossed the borders. Was the thought of spending some time with my family too much to handle? Leaving Australia made (and still makes) sense to me. I do not miss it, yet wriggling myself out of its warm charm back into the dark pit of Czech in the winter was perhaps a slight shock to my system, to say the very least.

I miss a few people, the climate, the freedom and the distance between me and a family whom I believe must have adopted me. That brings me to a conclusion that for a 'step-family' everyone is really nice to me and cares about me so much.

I am so grateful for them and I do my best to love them. I can never relate though. I don’t get the way they gossip, the way they eat, the way they control everything from the moment they make breakfast, 5 cups of coffee a day, to sitting down in front of the telly every evening till late at night.

Maybe it’s like that everywhere, not just in the Czech Republic. Yet, the settled ways here make me believe we’re still “100 years behind monkeys”. Even in Prague so many things, foods and services are inaccessible and some people are just so ignorant. I used to think that we were quite a progressive state despite Eastern European communistic history, but now coming from Oz, it feels even smaller to me over here. I dislike it, and I feel trapped because I do not have an 'escape' plan. I don’t want to be running around anymore. I want to settle. With a feeling of safety that I can stay till whenever I want.
I didn’t have that in Australia. I could have worked hard to achieve that, but somewhat what was on offer wasn’t made for me.

I wish I could build a life somewhere 'progressive', warm and economically well-off.

I am now ‘recovering’ in the middle of nowhere in Sumava-Bohemia where my mother and grandparents live. Part of me hates it here so much, and the other part tries hard to see the beauty in the stillness. I literally do not need to rush anywhere or do anything at all.

And that brings me to another confession - I never knew how to do nothing.

That time on my hands, the quietude, the structure (waking up around 7 still in the pitch-black dark outside, having a small breakfast because at 11:30 I MUST go across the road to grandparents for lunch and then at 5 again for dinner), my mum’s idle talk, no shops, no friends - that all…. bores me to death.

And dying I am. My shadows, childhood wounds and passivity are dying… I no longer wish to carry these burdens in my heart. I long to become a new daughter, a bubbly and loving one. I am not doing so well. I battle pessimism every day. I meditate and write a gratitude journal…I feel a spark of hope, then I pick up on my grandmother’s nervous energy and latent anger and I wanna kill myself again. I don’t know where I left my contagious positivity. It’s not here. 

Now I have to stay and wait before my grandfather’s birthday on Saturday when the rest of my family along with my lovely cousins arrive. Had I known that my granddad wanted to celebrate this weekend, I would have arrived 2 days before as everyone else. Not a week before. A bad idea. Dying on optimism a little every day. Before I leave, I must have a plan for a beautiful rebirth into the light.

Maybe the antibiotics killed all the positive good gut bacteria, leaving my brain running on dry.

All will be well

Never ever have I thought that one day I would be looking at Prague from a big hospital window of a department of infectious diseases - sure, there’s a first time for everything!
And - what a view!
Still some things to get used to but I like my spacious room and the fact that is positively sun-lit every day.
Positive is what I have to be these days and I actually am. Sometimes I’m scared, but mostly I’m focused on all the things that I’m gonna do as soon as I heal.

Was it a distant healing?

It seems that the worst is behind me, yay, first morning without a fever!

Someone sent me the most beautiful healing yesterday evening around 10 -10:30pm . It continued throughout the whole night, filling it with interesting dreams and symbols.

I haven’t talked to anyone but my sister about how sick I felt, so if any of you my readers sent the healing, I am eternally grateful to you 🙏🏼❤️.

I’ll still take it easy today, but I can’t wait to leave the bed soon!

After Amma embracing detox

A very short update because I’m suffering and off to bed.

I arrived from Germany to Prague on Wednesday with a 38,2 fever and today measured as high as 38,7. Not sure what it is... don’t wanna take drugs. I’d much rather followed a fasting protocol and starve the nasty virus.

Embracing Amma (and myself) was the experience of a lifetime. I’ll write more about it when I have the energy.

There will be other adventures to come, of course, but now I clearly gotta rest, reconnect with my family, and perhaps even make amends - again and properly - with my mum well before I head off. After all, Amma is the symbol of the divine mother, and as they say: “The future is female”. Women are being called to unite.

Love

xxx


Pavlina

The flavours of Bali

I didn’t dream about a passionate and brief Bali romance - not even in my wildest of dreams.

Perhaps we could question if one can fall for someone in a week... Hell yeah, one can. It has happened before and it will happen again!

It wasn’t exactly ‘passionate’ at first. There was curiosity on my side and intrigue on his side, but it began slow (as it can get in a week).

When my friend Peter suggested that I pay a visit to his friend Eric in Ubud, give him a big hug and sample his food, I was like - sure, why not?
A friend of a friend is also my friend. I met up with my beautiful Scandinavian girlfriend Helena and we set out to explore new tastes.

I would have never guessed after the first meeting of Peter’s friend how the last one would turn out. Sometimes you just know... not in this case.

No doubt, Eric and I shared a mutual passion - food - that featured as the hot topic throughout the week. Super-healthy food that is.

Then, the Balinese spirit took over. I had ecstatic shivers every time I tasted Eric’s cuisine and in the end, I experienced all kinds of other ecstatic explosions.

What got me was his heart. It was open, so pure and so ready to contribute to the world in a meaningful way. To protect his identity, I call this chef - Eric. He is not exactly unknown in the Balinese community of health and vitality freaks.

When Eric disclosed to me that he felt incredibly attracted to me, I saw him in a different light. As in - ah, this friend of a friend and a celebrity chef can feel something other than flavorsome meals?

I realized that getting to meet him was the perfect ending to my Australian adventure and healing intentions.

This final lesson in opening myself to seeing other types - the right types - of men around me was served to me in a loving way. Eric was the prototype to explore.

In the past, I wouldn’t have given much chance to men from my conscious dance sessions, yoga classes, meditation workshops or healthy eateries that I frequented. I thought they were too spiritual, too sensitive, self-conscious, and just ‘too much’.
That prejudice wasn’t very true. I’m glad I made the shift with Eric.

Ah, it really was ‘making love’, wasn’t it...? :)
I asked who was the lady singing earlier in the playlist- he clarified - “just then when we were making love?”
Yes. Just then...

In the heat of the moment, I wanted that to happen more than anything. Eric’s gentle masculine presence was what I was waiting for during almost a year of celibacy. As they say - only a conscious dick will heal a womb like a laser beam.
...

It was the most sensual, conscious, present and subtly passionate sex I’ve ever had. Those were the tantric valley orgasms I craved. You can’t just wish for those to happen, or learn how to give those from a written manual any day. The person, the timing, the ambiance and an open heart are what it takes to experience spontaneous Tantric sex. The uniting of shiva and shakti, the body, mind and spirit... every cell of my body was saying yes!!!
So much beautiful energy surrounded me... never ever have I felt such ease in the bed before.

When I wrapped my arms around his torso, ready to be taken back home on his scooter, I felt protected, safe and blessed... (btw. I just like waking up in my bed, nothing against his)
I knew that the local Gods were looking after Eric, and so they would look after us too on the Balinese roads were no rules applied.

Today I contemplated whether to curse Peter or to thank him.

I nearly turned back from Canggu, an area near the airport where I was spending my last day, to make

 the one hour journey back to Ubud and get/give one last hug. ‘Crazy’ is what happens when I ask my heart what it wants to do. But, one goodbye was clearly enough.

Now, fully immersed in the international and multicultural hustle and bustle of the Ngurah Rai airport, nervous, but relieved that my bag weighed under the limit, I know that a new world is awaiting for me once I cross the oceans again... New men possibly, too.

I shall be grateful to Peter. A girl deserves a romance in Bali. 4,5 years ago I made the trip about chilling and sightseeing. This year, Bali was about reuniting with Helena and guilt-free food. My sexuality intertwined all that.

I’m having second thoughts about the scheduled volunteering during Amma in Germany this weekend. I need to relax, but I’m really looking forward to seeing my best friend Oli. and then of course, sleeping on my sister’s floor in Prague.

I’ve changed in the 2 years and 5 months that I spent away. Damn, I’ve changed in the last 3 weeks. I am eagerly awaiting what’s in store once I embrace Europe again, at least for some time.

I just realized that he made himself so exceptionally busy today on purpose 🤔.
Goodbyes are meant to be brief and light-hearted.
Well, off I go.