Checking-in with my feelings...It is still quite unbelievable.
One brief encounter with someone more interesting than He could have ever been, and I feel healed.
Healed from obsessing about Him and wanting Him back (a small part of me did), healed from my egoistic obsessing about all that has happened between us since we split-up, and all that He had done (a huge, huge part of me held on to that story), and now I break free.
But am I healed from my recurring patterns? Most likely not.
I am sure I could still be prone to attaching to physically and emotionally unavailable men, men with addictions, needy men, men with problems with their fathers, and men needing me to stroke their egos - all this had been circulating in the long past.
I started to listen to the audiobook "Women who love too much" only today, because I thought that I finally could. Having had released Him lovingly, I am now ready to face the reality of -
How I always fuck up.
Yes, it is written all over myself.
Listening to Robin Norwood's book is really frickin' uncomfortable.
According to Norwood, the roots are in childhood.
To me it seems like I gave a silent command:
Bring on the ones who'll dig out all my shit...
When a familiar person appears, I see in him what I don't want to see in me, and I feel it is my calling to help! To help him 'get better'. So I turn myself in to his therapist, the perfect angel, and the innocent, loving fixer. If these were to bring me someone's real love, it would have surely happened already.
'Fixing' what is not working is supposed to be a personal inside job of each and every one of us.
Of course, I should have started with me.
I don't ever want to love so much that I forget about myself again.