#Abandonment #Sexual_expressions #Christianity

One of my clients is dealing with abandonment issues. I give him certain assignments so at the end of our cooperation, he would get a breakthrough.

Yesterday I was looking at my own fears of abandonment.

I love walking in the surrounding areas of Prague’s castle. The charming medieval alleyways inspire me.

I remembered my dream: feeding a little kitten (my favorite Czech biscuits - which is irrelevant). I felt so much love for the little creature and certain motherly nurturing tendencies to protect her from danger. Upon waking, the feelings prevailed, so much so that I resorted to thinking that I really needed a pet. Oh, how much would I love a little animal needing me and staying with me always!….

Such idea is at the core of the problem. Every baby grows up one day, regains strengths and grows its own head… then she/he’ll be out and about and won’t pay too much attention to the primary caregiver.

There comes us, humans, with our fears of abandonment (or at worst - possessive issues). We cannot own other human beings the way we own pets - and even then - kittens are very freedom-minded and don’t like to be petted at all times, dogs might be more ‘loyal’, but even then - they are free to go elsewhere, and in any case, any creature can wander off, get lost, or die.

We are doing our best to be the protectors, but if we focus more on our fears of ending up alone, rather than our love for those people and pets, we lose the moment.

The solution for those of us with abandonment issues could be such: Let's focus on our love, not our fears.

"Love as if you have never been hurt"

It’s been one week since my one day/night stand and all seems well with me. I would usually get emotional a couple of days following lovemaking, and due to the energy-exchange I would not feel in my own skin. I could also pick up anxieties from the other person and strangely fantasize about healing them or I'd put them up on a pedestal (more or less). 

Thank God, I must have mastered my lessons by know. It appears that there have been neither much emotionality nor much energy exchange that time around. I feel stable - and I would admit if I didn’t. I’ve watched in curiosity all week and all went back to normal. In fact, if anything, it seems that that encounter has given me a certain power. It gave me back something I have lost in the last couple of years. I claimed back my sexual rights of a free woman who knows how to use her weapons. I also feel more present and grounded. Like if I finally ‘arrived’.

If I knew that consensual sex leads to grounding and reclaimed power, I should have grabbed a handsome stranger the very moment I landed back in Europe!
However, we know it doesn’t work like that… Gil and I had a tiny connection after all: the same humor and dance moves to Post Malone.

To keep up with my honesty, when doing chakra healing on myself at bedtime, I got another breakthrough. While still laying my hands on the lower chakras, my throat began to pulse. I knew there would be messages spilling out the moment I moved to the throat chakra. And so I did. One hand on my lower belly, the other hand on my throat. I began choking with tears. I can't speak freely about my adventures. Whether they're 'good' or 'bad', my family and community would judge me. My sister has already called me a whore and I feel like her newly discovered Christianity turned her into a Bible expert, understanding Jesus very well, but not comprehending today's humans.

So it is. I accept it.

I'll just have to keep writing and having my very best friends close by. 

Enjoy the Christmas holidays and festivities if you're celebrating!

xxx

Sexy black is the new black

Yum... such a good dinner (that I made)! Czechia wakes up a true [Czech] appetite, said by me and many tourists. Despite effortlessly sticking to a vegetarian/vegan diet, I eat way too much. Well, I should enjoy it at least!

I found him, however, he was the one who reached out. Later on in the shower, he reminded me those old wise words: "Nothing happens if one doesn't take action."

Indeed, had I stayed starstruck (kidding) and not handed in my business card, he’d have no way of contacting me and ... in some time, I’d never ended up in his bed.

Tall, smiling, positive, skin like a dark chocolate, 6-pack that I’ll never have, and a rather sexy French accent.
Turns out, I don’t fancy just blond blue-eyed Aussie types.
In any case, cheeky men, full of positive energy who go after what they want [-me-] look attractive in any package.

I am grateful I met this man and enjoyed a brief passionate fling, and at the same time, I feel a little indifferent that he's left Prague not to return till next December. Sure, he invited me to Paris, but I think I have rather different plans for myself.

Read on.

Surprisingly, the sex was a bit too much for me. I admit that the first “number” was great (--> in Czech: "Cislo" but obviously, it does not sound right translated literally!) 

For our first time together, it was perfectly alright. Not the soulful energy love-making I experienced with Eric in Bali, but it was nevertheless - visually hot and satisfying; a sexy, sporty black man on top of me during bright daylight and making sure I orgasm multiple times before he does - yeah, it made my day!

In fact, it made my 10 days of an exhausting annual festival that I played a part in which left me a bit richer on cash, but poorer on wellbeing.

This year's event was a bit too long and rough - like the next two 'numbers' with Gil. Let’s call him Gil (a real name of my first French lover years ago). Am I getting older or just Tantrically picky? 

I’ll never understand how can fit men appreciate my chubby figure so much. I try to be slim but when I actually am - or - when I like myself naked - no one gets to see me undressed. The moment I let myself go, put on a few kilos, bam, I meet someone who’ll end up having the privilege to look under the lid -> my winter coat.
(Note: I'm starting to exercise a little and eating a bit less. Definitely shoving down my Czech winter sadness)

I was so stressed the whole 10 festival days, picking up on the overall tense energy of the ongoing tournaments that sleeping with Gil was the only acceptable ending! 

Are prizes and trophies worth that much insomnia, sweat and tears?

Watching Netflix with Gil and drinking some red wine in the evening felt like a warm blanket for my soul. Let alone the way his cuddles substituted for my favorite dark chocolate melting in my mouth.
From a different perspective, he’s no spiritual Tantric gentleman... and I can’t have that anymore.

I enjoyed feeling the warmth of his toned body, but he was more transfixed by my pussy than anything and ironically, with the time passing, she went on a strike. 
Even "Sesame open up" would not work.
My mind commanded her to be ‘normal’ but she just had her own agenda.

I used to think that sex was something I could 'force' myself to do anytime. It happened so in the past and I never regretted once I willed myself into the deed. But now I could not carry on with our intense-yet-superficial intercourse both physically and mentally.

Funny, my wildest dreams of having my brains fucked all night would definitely come true this time... but I’m either not 20 anymore or I could carry some vaginal trauma that must have gotten triggered in that bed, with certain words, and that overthinking head of mine. This is still a gratitude post but - I will never again sleep with someone unless my body is 100% ready.

I craved my own bed and a night of nice, long beauty sleep. So I left at 2am 😌.

And that was it.


This blog post's song:

In love and gratitude

xxx

Sex on my mind

Hmmm... for too long I haven’t written a post about sex.

What happened?

(Ok, too much travel and an illness might be it.)

I’m looking at a fb stint by my, I guess, a favorite musician/enlightened guru-artist Elijah Ray, he is truly skillful with his words, and I finally realize that I shifted from bad guys to good guys for good.

Why is he still single?

“I love you.”
“You’re not alone”
“You’re so worthy” “of all the love you dream of…”
Just an example of his speech.

Why on earth is still he single?

“I love you, family…..have a beautiful day”
So much love coming from his way…

Well, it’s not easy to be compassionate, understanding and a so-called psychic. I feel other’s emotions and I just don’t know what to do to heal it. Maybe I should sing?
Yes, no more toxic relationships. I want to meet my equal but opposite. Is that so impossible to find?

Elijah Ray is an Earth angel too, no doubt. Being in the spotlight all the time, oh, it must be hard to be him. But he seems to enjoy it.

I have not disclosed it, but despite my dramatic arrival onto the European soil, I have never felt hornier. I suspect that breaking the celibacy with two cool escapades was what triggered the appetite.
I could just dream on…

I am ready for love… Christmas is the perfect time for a miracle.

A relationship, of course, does not have to start with sex... in fact, given my history, it better not start with sex (but lead to it, please)

It would be more interesting to wait and get to know one another as friends first.

Oh, so romantic...

However, I am not an advocate of chastity till marriage. Not after one year of celibacy anyway.

Thanks to my chaste sister, I still battle with an unnecessary moral dilemma nevertheless!

We shall see.

Positive reunion #Prague

This will be a lot more optimistic post with a 'happy' photo at the end.

I’ve been trying and doing quite well these days. An unconditionally positive regard is still a big conscious effort but it's gotta be worth it, right? Sometimes I wonder if optimism will come naturally again or if Prague got me in her dark post-communistic claws and will never let me go...(?)

That brings me to a book I’m reading right now - Letting Go - The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D.

Fascinating. Some if the weight on my shoulders has already dropped. It amazes me how after so many years of self-inquiry and striving for enlightenment, I still don’t cease to identify with my thoughts. These thoughts can produce very undesirable feelings and the underlying emotions work to make me sick in the background of all my overthinking. When will I learn? Maybe this book is it. There still lies some (maybe a lot of) crap to tackle, but according to Dr. Hawkins letting go of the struggle and accepting that life is suffering is basically, all the hard digging done.

Last week I wanted to figure out why I was feeling so miserable and why I could not be bubbly around my mum and my grandparents… while sobbing on the floor in the living room, I suddenly got it. All the furniture, all the photos, all the artifacts there… in the kitchen, in the hall, and in my bedroom… those were from the old apartment I grew up in. In that apartment my parents did all their fighting, I witnessed all the nightmares (except one) that child is never supposed to see or experience, where I contemplated suicide between the ages 15-17, and where I devised my escape plan. I tend to sleep extremely badly in my mum’s new apartment, and it well could be because of the lingering memories from the stuff that soaked up all the negative energies of the past. It shocks me that my mum has never gotten rid of it. Not even of the old bed she used to sleep on with her now ex-husband whom she hates so much. Very shocking for someone (energy worker) like me.

I went to every single piece of furniture from the old flat and I blew on it 3x. I don’t know where I got that gesture from, I regard it as my little made up trick, but I noticed that it helps me to ‘cleanse’. So I use it on things and spaces too.
If you’re waiting for magic, cool. Yes - it made me feel instantly better! If that’s not enough, then I don’t know what is. The furniture did not disappear, nor turned into a new one with a unicorn jumping out of the closet.

As my cousins and extended family arrived for the weekend, things took a turn for the better. 

I was overwhelmed by all the affection I felt towards my cousins. It was mixed with a little sadness too. I didn't see them much even when I lived in Czech and it appeared that I had missed a lot of their adolescence. They were so tall and all-teenage like, I could hardly keep up with their energy!
We all had so much fun together, I forgot all about myself and my mortal troubles. 

Regarding the other (older) members of my family, that weekend made me realize that despite all our differences, my family is my family, and I cannot not love them.

Back in Prague now, I am noticing how visual and creative I became since my fevers stopped and they let me out of the hospital. I actually think that I got a plan….
However, I will divulge more when I'm 100% sure that I can do it. If you know me by now, you know that whatever I put my mind into, I manage. So waaaaaaiiiiiiit for it!

Much love,

Pavlina

Are they my biological family?

I got through it.

It was probably the toughest times of my life, at least health-wise. Perhaps because health had never been at the forefront of my mind, none of my concerns, I thought I was on top of things in that area. Then I realized that I could not control my body - that I had no say about my fevers. It was just a guessing game - is it going to be 38 today or 39.7? Why couldn’t I just decide that that was it and from then on I'd stay on 36 with no chills? I prayed every night.

Bed-bound and so weak for 7 days (after having had fevers for nearly a week already), the cocktail of medicine did not add to my overall strength. My joints hurt and I felt my muscles disappearing. My hospital room turned into my prison. But at the same time, I would be unable to travel very far had I wanted anyway. In between fevers, I swore I must have been hit by a truck. Just making a move from my bed to the toilet was a mission. 

At least I had a comforting view. There was a world out there and it was waiting for me to recover. I noticed that it was snowing a little. My friend said: “Don’t worry, it is the coldest in a hospital, you’ll be alright.” And he was right. When they let me go, the cold air was nothing and I welcomed it on my pale face. 

It’s been one week without fevers now and I am getting stronger by the minute. I do yoga and pilates every morning and a sense of wellbeing is returning for sure.

I find it quite unbelievable that I lived 2, 5 years amidst poisonous spiders, snakes, crocodiles, swam in the ocean with waves much higher than I’ve ever witnessed in Europe, all the while perfectly safe and healthy, except for a few colds this winter, and then some flea or a tick in Bali should knock me down. First of all, I do not remember that I would have been bitten. Is it possible to get a bacterial infection purely psychosomatically? I know that stress is a killer and lowers immunity. Sleepless nights due to long flights could not amount to anything good either, but honestly, I think I brought this feverish condition upon myself just so I could buy myself some time when depression bubbled up on the surface the moment I crossed the borders. Was the thought of spending some time with my family too much to handle? Leaving Australia made (and still makes) sense to me. I do not miss it, yet wriggling myself out of its warm charm back into the dark pit of Czech in the winter was perhaps a slight shock to my system, to say the very least.

I miss a few people, the climate, the freedom and the distance between me and a family whom I believe must have adopted me. That brings me to a conclusion that for a 'step-family' everyone is really nice to me and cares about me so much.

I am so grateful for them and I do my best to love them. I can never relate though. I don’t get the way they gossip, the way they eat, the way they control everything from the moment they make breakfast, 5 cups of coffee a day, to sitting down in front of the telly every evening till late at night.

Maybe it’s like that everywhere, not just in the Czech Republic. Yet, the settled ways here make me believe we’re still “100 years behind monkeys”. Even in Prague so many things, foods and services are inaccessible and some people are just so ignorant. I used to think that we were quite a progressive state despite Eastern European communistic history, but now coming from Oz, it feels even smaller to me over here. I dislike it, and I feel trapped because I do not have an 'escape' plan. I don’t want to be running around anymore. I want to settle. With a feeling of safety that I can stay till whenever I want.
I didn’t have that in Australia. I could have worked hard to achieve that, but somewhat what was on offer wasn’t made for me.

I wish I could build a life somewhere 'progressive', warm and economically well-off.

I am now ‘recovering’ in the middle of nowhere in Sumava-Bohemia where my mother and grandparents live. Part of me hates it here so much, and the other part tries hard to see the beauty in the stillness. I literally do not need to rush anywhere or do anything at all.

And that brings me to another confession - I never knew how to do nothing.

That time on my hands, the quietude, the structure (waking up around 7 still in the pitch-black dark outside, having a small breakfast because at 11:30 I MUST go across the road to grandparents for lunch and then at 5 again for dinner), my mum’s idle talk, no shops, no friends - that all…. bores me to death.

And dying I am. My shadows, childhood wounds and passivity are dying… I no longer wish to carry these burdens in my heart. I long to become a new daughter, a bubbly and loving one. I am not doing so well. I battle pessimism every day. I meditate and write a gratitude journal…I feel a spark of hope, then I pick up on my grandmother’s nervous energy and latent anger and I wanna kill myself again. I don’t know where I left my contagious positivity. It’s not here. 

Now I have to stay and wait before my grandfather’s birthday on Saturday when the rest of my family along with my lovely cousins arrive. Had I known that my granddad wanted to celebrate this weekend, I would have arrived 2 days before as everyone else. Not a week before. A bad idea. Dying on optimism a little every day. Before I leave, I must have a plan for a beautiful rebirth into the light.

Maybe the antibiotics killed all the positive good gut bacteria, leaving my brain running on dry.

All will be well

Never ever have I thought that one day I would be looking at Prague from a big hospital window of a department of infectious diseases - sure, there’s a first time for everything!
And - what a view!
Still some things to get used to but I like my spacious room and the fact that is positively sun-lit every day.
Positive is what I have to be these days and I actually am. Sometimes I’m scared, but mostly I’m focused on all the things that I’m gonna do as soon as I heal.

Was it a distant healing?

It seems that the worst is behind me, yay, first morning without a fever!

Someone sent me the most beautiful healing yesterday evening around 10 -10:30pm . It continued throughout the whole night, filling it with interesting dreams and symbols.

I haven’t talked to anyone but my sister about how sick I felt, so if any of you my readers sent the healing, I am eternally grateful to you 🙏🏼❤️.

I’ll still take it easy today, but I can’t wait to leave the bed soon!

After Amma embracing detox

A very short update because I’m suffering and off to bed.

I arrived from Germany to Prague on Wednesday with a 38,2 fever and today measured as high as 38,7. Not sure what it is... don’t wanna take drugs. I’d much rather followed a fasting protocol and starve the nasty virus.

Embracing Amma (and myself) was the experience of a lifetime. I’ll write more about it when I have the energy.

There will be other adventures to come, of course, but now I clearly gotta rest, reconnect with my family, and perhaps even make amends - again and properly - with my mum well before I head off. After all, Amma is the symbol of the divine mother, and as they say: “The future is female”. Women are being called to unite.

Love

xxx


Pavlina

The flavours of Bali

I didn’t dream about a passionate and brief Bali romance - not even in my wildest of dreams.

Perhaps we could question if one can fall for someone in a week... Hell yeah, one can. It has happened before and it will happen again!

It wasn’t exactly ‘passionate’ at first. There was curiosity on my side and intrigue on his side, but it began slow (as it can get in a week).

When my friend Peter suggested that I pay a visit to his friend Eric in Ubud, give him a big hug and sample his food, I was like - sure, why not?
A friend of a friend is also my friend. I met up with my beautiful Scandinavian girlfriend Helena and we set out to explore new tastes.

I would have never guessed after the first meeting of Peter’s friend how the last one would turn out. Sometimes you just know... not in this case.

No doubt, Eric and I shared a mutual passion - food - that featured as the hot topic throughout the week. Super-healthy food that is.

Then, the Balinese spirit took over. I had ecstatic shivers every time I tasted Eric’s cuisine and in the end, I experienced all kinds of other ecstatic explosions.

What got me was his heart. It was open, so pure and so ready to contribute to the world in a meaningful way. To protect his identity, I call this chef - Eric. He is not exactly unknown in the Balinese community of health and vitality freaks.

When Eric disclosed to me that he felt incredibly attracted to me, I saw him in a different light. As in - ah, this friend of a friend and a celebrity chef can feel something other than flavorsome meals?

I realized that getting to meet him was the perfect ending to my Australian adventure and healing intentions.

This final lesson in opening myself to seeing other types - the right types - of men around me was served to me in a loving way. Eric was the prototype to explore.

In the past, I wouldn’t have given much chance to men from my conscious dance sessions, yoga classes, meditation workshops or healthy eateries that I frequented. I thought they were too spiritual, too sensitive, self-conscious, and just ‘too much’.
That prejudice wasn’t very true. I’m glad I made the shift with Eric.

Ah, it really was ‘making love’, wasn’t it...? :)
I asked who was the lady singing earlier in the playlist- he clarified - “just then when we were making love?”
Yes. Just then...

In the heat of the moment, I wanted that to happen more than anything. Eric’s gentle masculine presence was what I was waiting for during almost a year of celibacy. As they say - only a conscious dick will heal a womb like a laser beam.
...

It was the most sensual, conscious, present and subtly passionate sex I’ve ever had. Those were the tantric valley orgasms I craved. You can’t just wish for those to happen, or learn how to give those from a written manual any day. The person, the timing, the ambiance and an open heart are what it takes to experience spontaneous Tantric sex. The uniting of shiva and shakti, the body, mind and spirit... every cell of my body was saying yes!!!
So much beautiful energy surrounded me... never ever have I felt such ease in the bed before.

When I wrapped my arms around his torso, ready to be taken back home on his scooter, I felt protected, safe and blessed... (btw. I just like waking up in my bed, nothing against his)
I knew that the local Gods were looking after Eric, and so they would look after us too on the Balinese roads were no rules applied.

Today I contemplated whether to curse Peter or to thank him.

I nearly turned back from Canggu, an area near the airport where I was spending my last day, to make

 the one hour journey back to Ubud and get/give one last hug. ‘Crazy’ is what happens when I ask my heart what it wants to do. But, one goodbye was clearly enough.

Now, fully immersed in the international and multicultural hustle and bustle of the Ngurah Rai airport, nervous, but relieved that my bag weighed under the limit, I know that a new world is awaiting for me once I cross the oceans again... New men possibly, too.

I shall be grateful to Peter. A girl deserves a romance in Bali. 4,5 years ago I made the trip about chilling and sightseeing. This year, Bali was about reuniting with Helena and guilt-free food. My sexuality intertwined all that.

I’m having second thoughts about the scheduled volunteering during Amma in Germany this weekend. I need to relax, but I’m really looking forward to seeing my best friend Oli. and then of course, sleeping on my sister’s floor in Prague.

I’ve changed in the 2 years and 5 months that I spent away. Damn, I’ve changed in the last 3 weeks. I am eagerly awaiting what’s in store once I embrace Europe again, at least for some time.

I just realized that he made himself so exceptionally busy today on purpose 🤔.
Goodbyes are meant to be brief and light-hearted.
Well, off I go.

Farewell

I have started crossing the oceans again! Oh, where have they been...
Anyway.
Putting my swollen feet up the chilled Balinese wall feels sooo good...
One week to enjoy here before going to Europe.

I allowed myself to feel...
Sure it was emotional leaving Australia after 2 years and 4 months.

My life could not have been more symbolic in the last few months. Signs like feathers, spot-on oracle cards, words in my dream matching the words of my dear ones and strangers too.

I’ve spent fun and strange 3 weeks in Sydney where I rediscovered my sensuality. I got to see the old from a new perspective - you don’t know my past life and I didn’t go there again, but let’s just say that I’ve had dozens of opportunities, yet I stuck to my integrity. (While bending the rigid rules a little, of course.)

I know I am a potent manifestor. I always get what I set my intentions for.
Then - I don’t set very good ones.
Being a white witch,  it is time to manifest the life I’ve always wanted for myself do some real good for the world.
I love being kind and generous.
It is written in my star sign!

Back to my farewell.

My two faithful Brisbane friends Lauren and Hollis stayed with me until the very last moment at the airport. I even got a fiery, hastened hug while showing the stewardess my boarding pass.
I still don’t know how I ever managed to attract these two tigresses into my life, but H. and L. have been absolute treasures.
It’s debatable, but I do believe that we made this bond based on many, many aspects of course, but also because L. has some Polish blood in her, and H. is half Dutch. I wonder if Aussies with not much knowledge of, nor fascination by their European (or other) ancestry would know how to interact with foreigners in their land with their hearts on their sleeves... Am I just exaggerating here? Most of my native English speaking friends I had made throughout
the years had Eastern European heritage or they were of mixed race. 
Then there was a beautiful Indonesian goddess Michelle and a Swedish rebel Tania from Darwin.
I might have taken these young girls under my wings, but the joy they’ve given me was beyond words.

now we come to the mysterious man on the Gold Coast. He thought I was his angel. In reality, he was mine. Leaving Darwin for the coast again was hard as it was. Without the help of this man, I would have probably ended up in a ditch!

Was this man a manifestation that went slightly off track or exactly as it was made to??
I don’t know.
I consider myself extremely lucky for that level of trust, having met him only in June.
He phoned me just minutes after I had launched my pavlinalioness.com website. I still see it as in-your-face sign: you are on the right path to start helping where needed and this man will save your life.
Honestly.
This man is beautiful.

He is a lot older than me but we have many common interests and we did have some good laughs too.
I could never fall for him in a romantic way, but he’ll forever stay in my heart. In fact, I would do so much for him, even invite him for Czech Christmas or something like that...
Well, who knows where I’ll be then.
We had a bond. Nice friendship, deep trust, and healing..
I have not healed him, even though he thinks so. He healed me.

I dare to say that I discoved a different side to me - the side that’s ready to settle.
The side that wants to take care of another.

I am so ready to get pregnant, have a baby, become a mum - raise a child with the right man. I’m 

thinking of true love - aka Jamie Fraser from Outlander constantly ready to fight for the love of his life - the brave Sassenach, Claire. Firstly, I should become like her - determined to never leave my man behind.
Well, no one changes overnight, but it is all happening...I feel like the pieces fit the puzzle just fine. 

Last farewell, albeit a virtual one.

I came to Australia to nurture a relationship I began early in 2015... but, It couldn’t be so.

And although I felt funny while driving myself to Byron a few days ago (My watchful friend and housemate next to me) and I remembered that just a couple more hours and I would be at his farm...
I knew that was not the way in which to go (or drive).

My ex was cool in many ways. Just not in the ways that would be necessary for a long-term bond.

I’d like to let stuck people know that some relationships are great for growing in pain - if that’s what they want, but ideally, we’d like the pain to stop some day soon. Toxic co-depency is not desirable, nor sustainable.

With the next guy who’ll manage to find me, we’ll be growing in love by being together. It won’t be perfect, it will be feeling right.

In my ex’s defense, I carried a lot of crap too. Those were the times of career transition and mindset re-furbishing.
Now the major renovations are all done.
I am finished with the above.
I cannot move further if I don’t let go of the bullshit I accumulated.
It is all gone....
I won’t ever see him again, that is clear.

I wish I could say something really really advancedly spiritual, positive, encouraging, guru-like, on top of it all - but, the truth is, the past disappointment in love still gives me a hollow thug in my heart.
I am just not up for another heartbreak.
Never ever ... see him again. Sounds... too definite, but true and necessary.
I wish him happiness. Now it’s my turn.

Sexuality and its expressions

A handsome and wise man once told me that Sydney could be wonderful for me. Perhaps that is where it could all fall into place…

Well, must be. Sydney was the ONE place I was afraid of. I virtually tried and tested all the other well-known towns and cities suitable for work/living in Australia, but the capital of NSW was at the bottom of the list.

It is quite the obvious place for many foreign people to go to search for a job and a place to call home. That was exactly what put me off - way too many people hustling and bustling. Obvious is not necessarily true to the heart or has to feel good. A girl gotta know herself first in order to not lose herself [in a big city].

Something has happened to me during those past weeks living and working in Sydney for the first time. It seems - quite wonderful. So I must agree with R. on this one!

Sydney reflects back to me my settled ways of carrying myself. I do not need to participate in the present busyness. I can still be a small-town girl making it in a big city in a small and rather relaxed way. 

I regret those months of postponing my move down here due to fear, and all those times I have not made my visits here ‘memorable’. 

Nevertheless, this is the perfect time now. 

I can't stay as I must leave the country soon, but at least I’ve managed to get myself to a fine mental place beforehand. Sydney couldn't have happened earlier. Here I socialize, I dance 5rhythms as much as I can, I enjoy food as much as I can and I'm sexual as much as I can… That’s what Sydney brought out of me.

But my hastened decision to make the most out of my last days in Oz didn't go without a price to pay. Ever since booking my flights out of Australia (stopping by Bali on my way home to Europe), I began losing out on sleep. 

New environment, new job, and getting to know new people also contributed to my insomnia.

Stress is a killer they say. I think I’ve not experienced such sleeplessness since 2014. The past week I was getting as little as 3-4 hours of sleep a few nights in a row. So I left work early one Saturday to cater to some personal matters… and then I let a boy take care of the rest.
Goes without saying that I had a deep and sound sleep afterwards.

11 months and 1 day ...  seemed like a good number.
Experiment over.
I listened to my body.
I wished for my mind to stop overthinking.
I wanted to release the tension stuck litteraly everywhere in my body - my neck, shoulders, belly, vagina, legs….
I had nothing to lose, nowhere to hide.
Emotions were out of the way, replaced by a sweet surrender, mutual acceptance, understanding, and adequate physical attraction. All that was a great combination to ease me back into active sex life. I wished for someone who’d take his time with me, and so he did. The focus was definitely on me.

We connected as friends first, then just for a night - the last night, we merged in a cute way. The year of abstinence possibly turned me into a lazy lover but hey, most ’first timers’ don’t live up to their potential! And surprise, surprise, I felt somewhat tired.
I didn’t wish for a fairy-tale or for him staying in Sydney longer. The encounter was perfect in its imperfection, just as it was.

Hopefully, this time around, I won’t be using sex as an entertainment to forget about myself, abandon my dreams, or somewhat validate my existence. I learned the lessons.

Taking care of mental wellbeing goes hand in hand with the physical. Sleep, meditation, exercise, reading, having my friends nearby and engaging in regular safe sex shall be my priority.
I’ll also have to keep up with the dancing, going to F45 fitness, taking the stairs, and eating right even while I'm on the road.
(Admittedly, I’ve not exercised this year very much - but as soon as I catch up on proper rest, I know I shall be my own greatest role model.)
Stability, routine & settling down- my next adventure.

Chakra Alchemy Kundalini Series

I find it fascinating that although I am not officially part of the latest Kundalini dance series on the Gold Coast  - I feel that I’m on board. I only hopped in for the sacral chakra governing our human sexuality, fertility and creativity. Then I went away. 

Now we/they are coming into the throat week and I’m actually suffering sore throat and possibly a burning lack of self-expression. So I am changing that.

For example, they called me from work asking to cover a shift.. in fact, they pleaded. The way I used to respond to desperate people in need (blackmailing me) was rather pathetic. Not anymore. I took 10 minutes to think about my answer and to confront any arising guilt.
I called back and politely said that I already made plans for the day since I wished to get better.
And it was ok! No one was mad at me; the next day the world was still spinning and colleagues treated me as usual.
Throat chakra: integrity, assertiveness.

My sensual sacral chakra a few weeks prior threw me into the stormy waters of fluid feminine energy. I dived deep into the past to gain understanding about the inexplicably ingrained female rage at the masculine. I had no shame or guilt to release from my womb this time around, but I had a lot of anger to let go of.
It wasn’t just my rage - it was all the hurts and pains the womankind had experienced.

Women went through oppression, burning at stakes, not being allowed to study, govern a state and they were looked down upon as the weaker sex - to say the very least. Even today, outrageous catastrophes happen. It is mostly females who get sexually assaulted (for what we know, but there are many, many assaulted males too), and the perpetrators are men of all backgrounds.
Even in the 21st century, we need to deal with inequality issues and urgently educate certain parts of the world about sexuality, compassion, and the values of the expansive feminine energy.

What my powerful sacral chakra dance made me realize was - that change starts with us women. We need to be brave and trust. We need to trust that men will raise to their masculine protectiveness, God Shiva wisdom, integrity and grounding abilities.

We are getting there… slowly.

I trust.

My current affirmation: 

I love my sexuality and its expressions.

The gypsy song

How great is this tune!

Coming back to God after Ayahuasca

I had scheduled a 3-day dance workshop with the renowned 5rhythms teacher and UK-born shaman Kate Shela for the same weekend that I ended up devouring Ayahuasca plant medicine. I saw Shela 2 years before when I had the pleasure to reside in Brisbane and already had been hooked on this wonderful conscious movement meditation. Obviously, this time it had to be one or the other - the Aya ceremony once more and for the last time, or a workshop in Mullum which would be a pain to get to every morning and back in the evening…

Of course, the drive could have been manageable - everything is if we really, really, want it. Nevertheless, despite desiring a transformation, I got scared of the intense theme of the workshop - "Heartbeat”. The compulsory exercises to be done before showing up on the dance floor were: to produce a list of people we’ve loved and a drawing of our heart….

Did that alone compel me to sell my ticket? Or wtf was it? I see my chickening out as a silly, spiritually unconscious error. Missing out on potentially the 3 best days of my life was a sober decision and yet… quite a self-sabotaging one. Two years ago Shela’s event seemed life-changing.

Now I have my own interpretation of my past choices. Everything has its reason, the right timing and the right place, doesn’t it?

This is what I’ve found in my journal some time ago:

The transcribed dream from 1.8.2018 ( nearly a month prior to the
 workshop)

“Having Kate Shella sewing a magnificent indigo peacock[like] long flowing dress for me…then I gave it to someone else; was flying like a bird, and came to her [again] to sew me a new one. Green one. “

The interpretation is easy now, and surprisingly heals my guilt.

With the workshop ticket, I had an opportunity to gain an insight into my heart’s deepest wisdom and access my intuition to see what actions to take to create a loving life for myself. Hence the indigo color - intuition - and a peacock design - new growth, birth, longevity, love and success seen in my dream.

I changed my mind though- I gave the dress (the Kate Shela tickets) to someone else…
I resigned in real life.
In the dream, however, I decided to come back to her and ask for a new dress. The new one was shorter, sexier and green - the color of the heart and healing…

I am still healing my heart. Not because of specific breakups, not because of fearing future betrayals, rejections, and disappointments (that may be a given), but possibly because of fearing my own unlovability. I’ve lived this as true all my life and those unconscious beliefs have brought a lot of misery, closing off, distrust in men, and most of all - stopped me from believing that true love was waiting for me, or could ever happen to someone like me. How could I ever feel worthy of having a loving relationship with a male soulmate?
My sense of worth, phew, where is such a thing?

What Kate Shela gave me instead could have been the Ayahuasca ceremony. Only too late, I have found out that the Byron Shaman mixed up the concoction with a little bit of Bobinsana - another  supposed heart-opener. How did the plant plan on opening my heart amidst all the terror and misery, which I experienced during that fatal Saturday night, is still a mystery to me.
I do have my own theory though.

You might have read here: Ayahuasca, here we go again

During the trip on this powerful hallucinogenic, I found a Godless place where no one has lived except weird creatures and shadows on a quest of deconstructing my mind, body, nervous system and beliefs. My soul kept waiting for the hallucinating to be over. I tried to communicate with God, I tried to pray for an insight so the images I kept seeing would bring me some understanding and peace, but I felt utterly alone and helpless. God was not there. I thought that the sense of lostness would leave along with the medicine gotten metabolized by my body. But hours turned into days… I’ve never felt more ‘unprotected’. Even though the medicine told me I was safe the very first time I drunk it, I couldn’t see/feel how that was true… nor my daily meditations provided any answers. 3 days later (how symbolic), I read something about surrender; I read how people prayed for healing and God’s help in strengthening the will. Also, my sister happened to send me some
 quotes from the gospels.

I came home one evening, dropped down onto my knees and began praying until I’d find God again.

Tears came streaming down my face…

Indeed, in a loveless, dark and clueless space, there is no God. That is a thriving space only for our mind that likes to play tricks on us.
The moment we’ll open the door to something external, salvation comes in in the form of divine support - which I choose to call God. That sense of being loved, connected and surrendered brings power to raise our vibration to joy, trust, love and banishes all feelings of separation.
It confirmed to me what Marianne Williamson or Gabriella Bernstein once said: that we can either learn through love or learn through fear. The final lesson is still the same, just a different delivery.

Ayahuasca gave me a lesson in fear.

God gave the same in love.
I need to choose love, let go off the struggle, and keep choosing learning through love.

The 'Heartbeat' workshop could have been a much pleasant experience, but it doesn't matter now. I might seek Kate Shela in another time and place - when I am ready to claim my heart whole once again.

Meanwhile, I enjoyed 5rhythms dance class yesterday. It was truly ’Sweat Your Prayers’ perfect. I became aware how precious those two hours are, we have received a gift from the founder Gabrielle Roth. Dancing is a prayer, and therefore, a way to salvation.

I may be a gypsy, having no roots.
I may wish to feel better, but things will never be more perfect than what I can make them right now.
As long as I’m dancing, there will always be a place of safety and healing for me.

There’s one more thing I have to do to make personal amends.

In April last year, I felt determined to queue for hours to receive the magical healing embrace of Amma, the so called Indian Mother Theresa.

She came to present her teachings not too far from where I lived in Brisbane. Sure, it signaled a long evening spent in a hall full of strangers, waiting for my turn to be hugged and transformed by her unconditional love and wise words. I was willing to do it - for the experience, no specific intention - at least, that’s how ‘determined’ I left my home.

I got there super early as I thought it would somehow make the hours roll around faster since my turn would come right at the beginning. But it didn’t. I came 3 hours too early. I wouldn’t be able to receive the token sooner than 90 minutes prior to the start of the ceremony.

I sat down on the stairs and began replying to texts from my new married friend, J.
I wanted to cut him off, prevent myself from falling for him, but I couldn’t get over our emotional connection. His melancholic texts saddened me and I longed to see him again.
I turned around at once, steady in my decision that receiving a hug from a real man would make my day better than a mythical love from a female Guru who’d be off to her Ashram in India soon after.

Once again I gave in to my impatience and impulsiveness where I cannot see anything beyond immediate gratification.

That evening J. and I slept together for the first time and it was possibly the best sex I’ve ever had (even with J. himself, he’s never lived up to that 2-hour expectation again).
Of course, he was off to his family after the deed, as well as Amma would have travelled back to hers after the Australian tour. Was dating a married man for the next few months worth missing out on a potentially heart-healing, all transforming experience with long-term benefits?
No.

It wasn’t until Darwin several months later, when my stupidity downed on me. I read a story from Arielle Ford about how her husband came into her life.
She embraced Amma, she whispered to her what she wanted, then within 6 months - she received it.

My itinerary:
Darwin - Bali - Frankfurt ——> volunteering during the entire Amma’s program in Brombachtel 2.10-4.10.

Then making my way to the neighboring country - home, sweet home...
I decided; therefore, I am making it happen.

Like a virgin

What have I discovered during nearly a year-long celibacy?

The longer it gets, the colder I feel... I’ve already established that active sex life had nothing to do with my attractiveness, respectively if I felt more/less beautiful with/without a man. It had to do with warmth and claiming the rights of the feminine, embodying the powerful receiving Goddess. 

That is sexuality for me in theory. 

I’ve had one year to embody sexuality from a non-sexual perspective. Now I’m ready!

I’m reading an amazing book called Willpower - Rediscovering the greatest human strength.
No doubt I have proved myself that I can exercise willpower to the extreme!
Sadly, it had side effects. I’ve been experiencing what Baumeister and Tierney call “ego depletion”.
(In Tantric/kundalini terms it translates to having a dysfunctional solar plexus chakra.)
In other words, I turned weak-willed where I should have learned to exude self-discipline.
Why is that so?? Wasn’t practicing self-control over my sexuality enough to strengthen my willpower also everywhere else?

The book finally gave me astounding answers.
I pushed myself to use self-control in too many areas of my life.
“Ego Depletion” happens to people who go on serial dieting, work in a job they don’t like, live with someone they are not in love with, or strive for success where success is clearly not easily within reach - and all that preferably at once.
What happened to me after my last year’s decision to stay sexless for a while?
1. I am always on a diet but since the end of 2017, I am getting fatter and fatter.
2. I keep working hard, yet I lost any remaining interest in my Tantric business (which could be temporary.)
3. Saying that I am experiencing ‘a dry spell’ when it comes to the dating scene or possible romantic liaisons with men is an understatement. No will to be social.
4. I am constantly 'moving,’ seeking 'home’ and adventure, yet the consequent ‘ungroundedness’ has proven extra exhausting.

I anxiously anticipated gaining control over every area of my life, until I pleaded not to have any at all.
I began craving a loss of control and a wild abandon.
Being possibly severely sexually deprived started to negatively reflect in other areas of my life.
There were some benefits to taming my impulses when it came to superficial affairs..ok, my sex drive was quite high at some point... but - who cared??? No one but my head.
In hindsight, I much preferred a higher sex-esteem than losing interest in my life in the past few months.

It’s time to look truth right in the eye.
My life before the celibacy might have had flaws. Damn, it had a lot of them.
But my life now, 11 months in, is a frickin’ disaster.
Having sex does not solve all problems (I am sure it does solve some),  but not having it seems to be making things even worse.
Good news, I am rediscovering the feelings that I’ve buried in the last 11 months... and I’m giving my sexuality a new meaningless meaning.
No time for punishment, redemption, shame, guilt, regret...
There is a lot of fire in me... I can control it, but I don’t want to.

I could continue having a sexless life and die miserable, or I could give in to my passions and see what happens. 

Men, who’s going to take my virginity?

Ayahuasca medicine, here we go again

I wished for someone to fuck my brains out, and Ayahuasca plant medicine did just that on Saturday.

Fuck... what an intense sensory experience. How did I even deserve that? lol.

A total deconstruction of my own reality and my sense of self. In conversations, we tend to say: ‘I feel lost’ or even describe others as ‘lost’...
Do we really know what that word means??

My trip on A. was an experience of utter lostness. I shattered to pieces. I had no idea who I was, where I was and what was happening to me... The medicine dissected me and blew me into space.

We sat down in the hall just after 6pm following a mini fast (not eating hardly anything substantial the whole day, and nothing after 2pm).

I was ready to face my demons. Somehow, I refused to believe that Ayahuasca fully showed up for me 6 weeks before. My first experience was very gentle, yet the shaman said she had to purge some of my darkness for me. Well, I was not having it.
So this time - no crystals, dream catchers or prayers for a mild trip. I was ready.

Sure enough, in the midsts of my latest experience, I was begging for mercy. I’d love to say that I prayed - but I had lost any convictions of what God was to me or to which deity at all I should direct my prayers to.

Catching my mouth yawning in the dark seemed very ironic; because in my mind I was far from experiencing the luxury of tiredness. My mind raced furiously, bringing me insanity which I was certain would never stop.
I felt certain that I was truly lost.
How could I ever pick up all the pieces that were floating outside of my body? All the bolts and nuts that these spirits (or what) were pulling out of me as if I was a clock at the watchmaker...

My visions started out blurred, all the forest animals who came to kill me looked caricatured/animated. There were crocodiles, hedgehogs, bisons with swords and chainsaws and claws... and then among all the chaos, in the background, was ancient Egypt ... sitting sort of behind the shaman... lines of the ‘all seeing eye’, the majestic sphinx, the pyramid...

I loved it and at the same time I felt so freaked out.

On my left I saw an Australian Aboriginal flag just as I realized that I looked like an old Aboriginal woman, but not possessing any torso, looking at my brown arms and bony frame... shivering...

Then the hot flushes and what was probably my kundalini, making its way up my spine..tingling... I saw myself burning in hell...seeing tiny little animated flames all around me... a little toy of a batman appeared to fall from a castle...

I tried to communicate with the energy, with my nerves being deconstructed and shown in front of me in green colors. Then I hear the shaman telling me: “You’re a healer, you picked up all those foreign energies that you now carry... drop it.” And I did, and some of the fear has dropped too. I no longer resisted the terror, but as soon as the shaman left my side, I got petrified by my hallucinations once again, mumbling “Fuck, fuck..” despite the shaman urging me not to swear during the ceremony.

It was hard... all the shadows that surrounded me wanted a piece of me, one was sucking on my brain, another one on my heart....
I was battling the ghosts and it left me exhausted...shaking... unable to purge - being told by something that I cannot purge. Each time I picked up the bowl - there was a face of a monkey laughing at me. The bowl was clean... even though I swore I threw up into it...

Then my visions changed... a couple of times I sighted out in relief that the substance finally disintegrated... only to get another bout of scary images in my brain and hot and cold tingly sensations... wtf... I thought it would never end.
Each time the music stopped I would get a panic attack that the ceremony must have been over and everyone would start happily joking about and eating away before bed... It couldn’t be. I was still going...
Well... some people were done, but I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t. Upon the lights back on, I still could not walk straight and my head seemed to have been hit by a brick.
Everything I smelled made me sick.

The cleansing tobacco near my face finally made me puke. And puke hard.
I could not eat... I was still shaken and miles away. So was apparently another girl too.

I went into my room and straight under the covers.
I don’t remember what exactly I experienced in the bed - but I was finally willing to admit that some twisted healing must have taken place out in the hall. I thanked the spirit, the energy of the plant, the whole experience... and gratitude overwhelmed me. I was deconstructed, so I could heal and construct myself anew.
Some peaceful visions followed.
Nevertheless, I caught a glimpse of sinister shadows behind the window and I resignedly waited for the spirits to kill me.

Suddenly, the medicine/spirit/DMT left my brain.

My head stopped spinning. I felt clarity returning along with some ease. It struck past midnight.
I looked at my phone again after 1am, realizing that I was still seeing stuff behind my closed eyes.
At 5:30am I heard noises in the house and decided that that was the end to my surreal night and perhaps a good time to break my fast.

.Apparently it’s normal to feel shaken still days after the medicine. I touched the bottom of my fear and despair.
Something happened... what exactly I still don’t know.

I gotta implement my own medicine - everything that I wrote in ‘Transitioning’.
I feel like I know what to do for keeping myself above water and in good spirits...
It’s hard to change all the negative beliefs and unproductive self-hate-talk. But that’s just part of finding our sanity again.






Next: How my celibacy’s going...

TO STAY challenge and BODY challenge

...And just as I was holding my last glass of red wine before the start of my guided body transformation, I began to entertain the thought of staying. 

Out of the blue, I recalled the time when I had to write a 10-pages long paper about the European Union politics. Feeling like an alien invading a top notch University where I must have landed by accident, thinking to myself again: What on Earth, was I doing this vague humanitarian degree for?!

With my self-diagnosed ADD, any paper (especially the one that I was not interested in) seemed like an endlessly dragging adventure and the end result could not make any sense. That time I handed in just 8 pages, completely spat out.
While writing that humongously boring essay at the last minute, I was also dyeing my hair. Staring at my laptop screen from the bathroom door with a turban on, I knew that I could have easily quit. Part of me wanted to - adios amigos, see you never.
But the more mature part of me felt proud of what I was accomplishing and sensed the beauty of the final prize. I knew I had to stay for my own sake. I owed it to my self-esteem.

That day, no matter how hard, I would keep sitting down at my desk and keep on writing bit by bit. 

Looking forward to my hair shining nice and black by the end of the evening, I took another break from the paper and wrote into my online personal diary: “If my children ever ask me about my biggest learnings in life, I’d tell them that my main lesson was: To stay.”

Every day I must do my bit to ease into the present moment. That is Tantra. For some people that might come naturally, but for me, it is a conscious effort. When I succeed, I receive an inner confirmation that I am exactly where I'm meant to be. Not chasing anything, not planning, not wishing different. Everything falls into place when I surrender to the present. 

Living with this man provides me with such an excellent opportunity to work on creating my new self. Of course, I always knew about my gifts, but not always would I confidently execute.
Here, I can finally put them all into practice. I have the space to create my business, the help to get a driving license, and the time to bring my vision to fruition.

I couldn’t have wished for a better man to assist me with nearly all of that.

I will not accept the proposal for a marriage - that is too much, but I will stay.
Stay for the time being before... 

I'll go to Sydney 😂😜

A High Class Hippie #highclasshippie

I have been living with a great man for the past 2 weeks.
There appeared to be a healthy 'give & take' at the beginning of the deal.
I am his personal carer, healer, counsellor, and coach - every day and overtime.
No doubts my services were well paid off and more. He throws in driving lessons and other fine touches to make my stay comfortable. This man is nearly perfect; so generous, protective, respectful and kind. You might think - Aren't we all nearly perfect? 
So what's wrong?
The timing is off.

Two years ago, he would have been PERFECT.
Depressed wounded underdogs who needed me used to boost my ego. The promise of raised self-esteem firmly instilled the need to be needed on my desperate quest to validate my worthiness. 
Those dependent men would have made me weak in the knees.
And this one is so much older than me - just like I used to love it!
Two years ago, I would have fallen for the false sense of security, and the generosity in exchange for simple services - cleaning, cooking, my great company... No sexual connotations whatsoever.
However, today I feel different.
I know for a fact that I'm not playing the Goddess. A Goddess can't be played. A Goddess is not an entertainer. And that's what I've been doing - performing on command or out of feelings of indebtedness.
I can't do this.
Time to fill my cup.
I am going.

Where? 
Home...a new home, wherever that might be.
I am not afraid to leave the country either. I was waiting for something to happen, until I realized that it did.
The whole two years in Oz seem like a week now. Like, fast rewind into June 2016, finding myself stranded in Sydney, slowly realizing that he wasn't coming. What would I do next? Will I stay? Will I go to see him? Will I go to the only city (Brisbane) that I had managed to get to know and explore back in 2015?
I should have returned home, or - in hindsight - I could have. For no one I know compresses their good years into a week. If this is what I'm doing, then I'm sorry for being ungrateful, implying that
the past two years sucked.
Well, not everything did.

Of course, I had a lotta laugh too; of course, I know that some struggles were a blessing; of course, the two years in Australia were meant to happen; of course - otherwise, I wouldn't have met x, wouldn't have experienced y, wouldn't have done z, or wouldn't have healed- something/someone.
I decided to stay but I felt lost; no news. 
Strangely, it wasn't until the remoteness of Darwin and my isolation in 2017/2018, when I began breaking some old patterns.
A year later, I escaped the local madness and I run back to Bris and Byron to find myself among my tribe again. I love my tribe, however, my tribe tends to be quite opinionated as they always know the 'right' thing to say on everyone's situation.
Why do some spiritual moralists think they have the answers for you?
Why aren't they silent sometimes?
Or is the noise in my head my own battling with my shadows and feelings of shame?
There might be a bit of truth to both sides.

Yes, I am a little bit unstable.
Yes, I am escaping again.
I can see that.

I am leaving a good man, a great friend, someone I trust, respect and I wish he'll heal soon.
He even proposed, as a friend, to have me stay in Oz.
Same story - different package?
Is that type of commitment just not suited for who I am and what I believe in?

Tonight under the black sky sewn with just a few bright stars, I accepted my instability and past yearnings for the opposite. I won't do that anymore.
I shall stay true to being forever unstable and forever leaving.
Whoever might capture me, let them be strong in knowing that our love be short but sweet.
Life can be a series of unrelated events, filled with different people, shapes and forms, yet still the same crap in disguise. 
We can rewrite the story, I believe that, but we may never change our personality.
I am what I am. You may call it a free spirit, a gypsy, or a fickle woman. 
I kind of gravitate towards a high-class hippie these days.

I wrote all of the above in a lighthearted way. 
If anything, I have noticed that as I grow older, I love making the right types of commitments! But who would believe me now?! 

To be continued... Blog: To Stay Or Not To Stay?

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Not sure what I'm doing, but I'm doing

Alright, just a quick check-in because I have so much to do, so much content to create for my book - and I need an editor.
Judging by all the recent synchronicities, I am sure I will find one.

I am very proud of my website: pavlinalioness.com 

the "Why should we heal" tab and "About Me"

I've been thinking about the right niche, offer and message for a couple of months. I think it is finally coming together!

I am in Bris and won’t leave until I make a million.
Well, at least all the money for the rest of my tuition. A lot.
My beloved Byron will hopefully still be there.

My friend Kristine, a business coach, got me to start recording myself on my phone as she suggested I should do a podcast!

I am surprised… surprised that I sound awful, but I loved it! Not gonna publish my first couple of recordings, but I came to love my voice, my craziness, and this occasional wit coming out of nowhere. Who knows what will come out of this!

My sore throat prevents me from speaking too long though, and my dry cough is not very sexy.

I know that this flu caught up with me to remind me of what not to do again. The month of July was so unhealthy. A pure over-indulgence in everything (not sex, I can tell you that)

Too much alcohol, sweets, unreasonable portions, worries, negative thoughts, and all the fuckin’ travel. Moving, moving and moving places. No structure regarding workouts and many late nights with little sleep. Never again.

I can totally see why I crashed. Funny, exactly at the same time as the last year. True, the season’s changing but I wasn’t sick my first 2 Australian winters - I put it down to a great diet, self-care, exercise regime and - LOVE. The first time it was love for someone else, the second time an emerging love for Brisbane and embracing something new…

Now I’ve got neither.

However, I'm springing up big time! Nearly all August I didn’t drink (except for one occasion), I ate well and I began to hit the gym classes like a new fitness enthusiast. The trick is in the constant wonder - fresh eyes on the same old things.

Now that I amped up on Vitamin C, garlic, fermented cabbage and broths, my skin is glowing and I think I’m more toned and stronger. (Despite two days of doing nothing but sweating in the bed and coughing)

Celibacy is still the best thing I’ve ever tried. Not only it is a great physical, mental and emotional detox ( Truly, not even spirulina helped me this much), but also a great Tantric preparation for something I’ve never had - a man who could be the man for the woman that I am. I will keep going till someone I frickin’ LOVE and TRUST will want to take it to the next level with me.

I don’t need to sleep with friends because… I am not in love with them and don’t think about them in romantic ways.
I still don’t understand how could that even cross my mind!? I guess it was at the heat of the moment and then I overthought it. Would I’ve done it if we met the next day, as opposed to rescheduling it for weeks later?
Well, I can safely say that it’s never gonna happen.

My vagina is a divine sanctuary for someone who’ll stay…
Not in an attached, possessive way, but in a mind-blowing, loving way filled with pure intentions.
Here you go, this is it - I’m finally spilling the beans about why I do this celibacy thing.
But you all knew it.

Ayahuasca and Crown Chakra

My 221st post and blog's 2nd birthday very soon!
It's been 2,5 years since the legendary break-up, however, it has not served as the theme of this blog for over a year or so... (well, occasionally, maybe.)

I have so much to write. The Crown Chakra dance the previous Sunday was an absolutely delicious culmination of the past 7 weeks of spiritual growth. Dancing all the chakras at once produced sensual, grounding and enlightening effects in the end. 

I still carried some heartache around my chest and broke into a few bouts of tears - hold and behold, those heartaches were not just mine. 
Come on, I only had like, two relationships! 
Those were the disappointments, betrayals and grief of my parents, their parents, the heartbreaks of my friends, their friends and everything in between. I cried for the broken heart of the Earth.
I moved through the sadness, felt strong and welcomed the release.

Upon returning to Byron, a preparation for an upcoming Ayahuasca ceremony began. I finally felt 'pure' enough. I had been anticipating that experience for 5 years before!
About 6 months ago, I started putting it out there to the Universe that I was finally ready. Then I moved into a house in Byron Bay with a Peruvian Shaman next door. I knew that the girl would be the one to test the medicinal plant with....

Long story short, my Friday's experience was very gentle and loving. My body recognized the powerful liquid. I instantly knew that I had drunk it in my previous life.
The plant brought back some ancient memories, which I only fully integrated the next day.
Everything indicated to where my true roots lied. 
Why do I feel the safest only when I have one foot out the door and a half-packed suitcase ready at all times? 
Quite possibly, I used to be hunted and prosecuted and til this present day, I feel I need to be 'on the run' to survive. 
I feel the safest when I'm on the road, traveling, or I'm super close to nature.

Standing, fully supported by the tree behind my back in a secluded area near Suffolk Park on Saturday afternoon, soaking up the sun rays, I remembered my first self-made forest healing ceremony when I couldn't have been older than 10 (probably 8), then celebrating once mum came home with the good news that her boss's daughter got better; recalling all the books I read about Wicca, paganism, druids... later getting a tattoo of Celtic runes on my spine.... experiencing dreams about sheep sacrifice...
I broke into tears once again. I had to apologize to nature, to spirits, to the trees, to the earth which I so wanted to make love with, for all those times that I ever felt unsafe. In this life, I might seem lost, but I am never not safe when I have the earth beneath my feet, no matter how far away.
Ayahuasca also gave me the title of my book... it didn't make sense then but it does now.

I'm changing the direction of my sexuality a little. I've been making love to heavens and God in the last how-many years... now I am going to make love to the earth, to the leaves, the roots of the trees, and birds in the crowns.

Many people report feeling very sexual after Ayahuasca or having great sex straight after ceremonies. (even though some shamans are highly against it)
I could definitely see why!
I could make love right there and then with the whole forest!
I hope I don't sound creepy, or perverted... I wouldn't do it with a tree... just on an energetic level. I was definitely ready to juice up and explode.

It is not all love and light being a witch...
I've cast a few nasty spells in my current life too. I want to, and had to, take those back. There is a fine line between good and bad, and although I could totally make for a great evil witch, I could also do a lot of good by focusing on my loving and compassionate side. No kidding, some people were subjected to my curse (my mum, my ex to name a couple) and bad stuff happened to them shortly after I'd sent the harmful intention. I am sorry.
I want to do good.

Apparently, the shaman herself was processing my darkness for me. We all purged, except one guy.
I was wearing dreamcatcher earrings and crystals - could they save me from the demons of the past?
I am ready to come bare next time.
My witchy past is interesting... I'd love to know more.
I recommend Ayahuasca to all those who feel ready to experience the depth of their identity.



#Ayahuasca
#Kundalini

Deep emotional healing (6th chakra)

Pretty interesting week integrating the 'third eye' chakra (positioned behind the forehead).

I experienced all the feared signs of underactive and overactive third eye. Massive self-doubt, delusions, vivid dreams, identity crisis and nausea... My head never felt so heavy! 

Funnily enough, on Tuesday I fell onto the bed at 9pm after I got drunk on three glasses of wine (red, white and rose), and woke up the next day at 6am very fresh and refreshed- no joke!

All the madness appeared to stop...

It stopped when I made the decision that I would focus on my own healing first, and put my energy clearing and trauma healing work of others on hold. I am not yet equipped to separate myself from the crap of others that we dig out and then throw away during sessions... Because I take it on, think about it, devise solutions all night for it and can't sleep well. Oops, I did it again, yesterday. ..

My healing and psychic abilities are deepening one way or the other.

After a small but effective healing on this girl last night, I managed to sleep for only 3 hours (from about 12 till 3am). 

However, I woke up inspired and energized. 

Ever since I got out of bed, I have been unusually productive. Could I've taken on Jess's incredible stamina of a Wonderwoman?

I fully immersed myself in my doTERRA business for hours, finalized my coaching website, communicated with my own mentor and drew my potential coaching suspects closer.

Feeling like a fatty blob though, I decided to go for a hike around noon. And hike it was! 

Whilst looking at the breathtaking views of the ocean from the top of a cliff, a thought crossed my mind: Wouldn't this be a beautiful way to die?

Having climbed many giant rocks, I felt so fatigued and became too aware of how easy it could have been to slip. So I changed my mind: "Nah, it wouldn't be a good way to go!"

Indeed, I had to pay extra attention to where my feet would land and in the end, I had to pause to recharge. That long meditative break helped me to finish off my trip safe and sound.

Watch out when around Broken Head Nature Reserve!

On the beach, I found a new meaning to the Tantric 'Ocean Breath'. 

I practiced it, quite literally, while letting the ocean water flood my feet upon the inhale, then waiting for the waters to retract on the exhale, sinking a little deeper into the sand.
Such an instant release! Everything came off of me. My shoulders dropped an inch and I shivered in relaxation and bliss. It felt about the same as receiving a tender, loving massage.

Every time I see a seagull, I am reminded of the need for my own healing and that everything is happening at the right time.

I, too, have some shit to be washed away...

On Sunday I'm off to the Gold Coast for my last series - the Crown Chakra.

I am already feeling high... (and should definitely go to bed. NOW).

P.S: I don't think that the scheduled Tantric sex with my friend is a good idea. But then again, I do think too much.

Sometimes I think big... like, that no one short of Elijah Ray should even touch me... haha!

Well, the 10th month of celibacy, here I come!