I had a very creative day, yet deep inside I was aware of a certain turmoil (not because of the broken fridge). In To care, or not to care I declared that it was in my best interest to not see Adam again, and to be honest, it hurt a little. But I knew I had to drop it.
I am ready to claim EVERYTHING. I want the real deal, and I don’t care how long for. If I’m going to be with a man, then I’m going to want to get to know him, his deepest emotions, all of the shit, and I'm going to want to be let in. The man would have to be there for me emotionally just as physically.
So, I will rather have nothing (no sex) if I can’t have it all.
When Adam suggested a meeting today, I was able to exercise my new resolution in practice… It was so tempting to imagine feeling his skin on my skin, sweating together in between the sheets, and having a small tired cuddle in the bed before seeing his cheeky grin out of the door one more time...
But...I want it all.
I deserve something new, something I failed to explore before. I had 2 goes at real relationships and I blew them both. It was 7 years ago. I am ready now.
At first I felt like a hiding traitor while responding to his texts in a very vague manner. But when his question narrowed down to a single point I knew I had to speak up. And the only way I could release the strange internal turmoil was to be totally authentic and share my feelings with him. Not making him wrong, or convincing him to plunge into the relationship pool with me, but just to show him what I was dealing with and the conclusion I had made. After all, I robbed him of getting an authentic explanation couple of months ago when I was ignoring his messages. I could have communicated and said that "I was still living in the past", which had nothing to do with him (Adam).