Tuesday, December 27, 2016

When there's a warning, listen.

I had dreamt about water, a fish, and a mildly flooded unknown house before I woke up to a dead fridge crying all over the kitchenette. I thought the dream was a sign of spirituality, emotions and success, but it could have been just a hint of a newly emerged problem. Alright, no need to spend on extra groceries if there's nowhere to store them now. I'm gonna get skinny, yay! ;)

I had a very creative day, yet deep inside I was aware of a certain turmoil (not because of the broken fridge). In To care, or not to care I declared that it was in my best interest to not see Adam again, and to be honest, it hurt a little. But I knew I had to drop it. 

The decision was not about avoiding him-as a specific person, it was about avoiding any 'temporary solution' in the form of a handsome man who’d be up solely for a genital contact. Even though there were other body parts involved too.

I am ready to claim EVERYTHING. I want the real deal, and I don’t care how long for. If I’m going to be with a man, then I’m going to want to get to know him, his deepest emotions, all of the shit, and I'm going to want to be let in. The man would have to be there for me emotionally just as physically. 

“Cold” is off the question and "Lukewarm" doesn’t do it for me either. Warmth starts with me, and it is a tough job holding it back in order to not get burned by the frost. In fact, the stranger in the flooded house in my dream sent me packing “so we don’t get burned”.
Wow! I just recall his words and the thoughts running in my head during the dream - “Burned? How could we get burned by the water??” But I kept on packing my suitcase regardless….
Hmmm… Freaky. Premonition? I love it.

So, I will rather have nothing (no sex) if I can’t have it all.

Adam warned me straight away he didn't have his mind set for a relationship and I thought I could join that ride. After all, I used to be ready to detach anytime - until my lovers decided it was time they went back to their wives, or drugs, or leave the town. Then all of a sudden my whole world came crashing down. So...

When Adam suggested a meeting today, I was able to exercise my new resolution in practice… It was so tempting to imagine feeling his skin on my skin, sweating together in between the sheets, and having a small tired cuddle in the bed before seeing his cheeky grin out of the door one more time...

But...I want it all.
I deserve something new, something I failed to explore before. I had 2 goes at real relationships and I blew them both. It was 7 years ago. I am ready now.

At first I felt like a hiding traitor while responding to his texts in a very vague manner. But when his question narrowed down to a single point I knew I had to speak up. And the only way I could release the strange internal turmoil was to be totally authentic and share my feelings with him. Not making him wrong, or convincing him to plunge into the relationship pool with me, but just to show him what I was dealing with and the conclusion I had made. After all, I robbed him of getting an authentic explanation couple of months ago when I was ignoring his messages. I could have communicated and said that "I was still living in the past", which had nothing to do with him (Adam). 
Tonight I felt vulnerable and afraid, because I knew he didn't want nor expected I would bring feelings into our arrangement. But I would have regretted not saying it more than saying it and possibly being laughed at or being misunderstood. None of that happened. 
It was most likely the only conversation we’ve ever had that went slightly under the surface. Tonight I was being my best self and therefore, I had to let that partial “dream come true” go. I could develop feelings for him, since there's nothing wrong with him apart from spending too much time in his head, but he warned me and I listened.

I still believe I can have it all. So I'm moving on...

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