Tuesday, December 6, 2016

Why I started this blog and why I have to finish making it about Him.

What happened in September/October that in the end compelled me to start this blog two weeks later?
I saw Him. Deliberately, of course, but the primary reason for my visit down south was spending some time with our mutual friend Rowena and her kids, who were, just like me, on a school break.
It was inevitable to come to his shop on my last day and to say hi.
The moment I saw him I knew he wasn't the guy for me, and I wished I had made the visit sooner to spare myself the tears after his calls where he hesitantly announced he had met someone else.
I was watching him dealing with the hustle and bustle in the shop, with his dad and with his staff - nope, not the guy for me.

But then we kissed. A lot. No need for a detailed description. It happened while waiting for my train back to Brisbane.
I was 'gone'.
I kept saying myself remember what you felt before the kiss - that was real - not after! No use.
That much (or that little) was enough for me to fall back under his spell. 
His following messages kept validating the fact that He was still into me, and somehow we sustained this 'friendly' relationship via calls and texts - which were so unfair! I was honestly settling for breadcrumbs. I knew it. But I couldn't let go...
I was already in his country, quite stuck, and he was 'just' 500km away, alone mostly, or with an older woman (with kids) visiting him 2x a month.
My ego and pride were hurt, and all the female idealizing had been crushed.

Just a little over two months later... It all seems like such a long time ago.
Out of the blue came R., and my attachment to that past lover ceased to exist.
Obviously, I have been single the whole time since Him and I separated, and I still am, but it is time to feel FREE. Which means: no spellbounds, no attachments to unavailable people, neither to specific outcomes...  just let it flow.

What happened recently - google calendar notified me that it was his birthday. I forgot! :)
It took me a second to ponder over whether to write an e-mail (since his number is still blocked) or not. I did. A simple one line. The action felt true to me.
I didn't expect a reply, but when it wasn't coming I got slightly worried: I lost by showing him I still cared!
Anyway, the shock went away and turned into "I showed him I am stronger than him."
The next day, when it slipped off my mind completely, because R. had occupied it, I received His e-mail. A very warm one sentence with my photo attached.

And I knew two things:
Everything is going to be alright. We are all right. 
And the second realization made me laugh. He sent my photo! Again. In spite of my very last 'break-up' text where I mentioned that him saying he still looked at my photos every day was not fair (it was a fuckin' mean trick from him).
And here we go, yet another photo of mine that he keeps.
(I deleted all of his)
It made me laugh - and it made me 100%sure that this guy must go!!!

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