Thursday, December 22, 2016

First World Relationship Problems

Based on the fact that the previous date was so good, today I almost looked forward to writing how “Coloring¹ with A. was so outside of the lines….”
Yeah, I am a bit of an idealist! 😄
Even though it was awesome again, in reality it was all so perfectly within the lines…
Our relationship goes absolutely accordingly to the rules of superficial connections based on an intercourse.
Sure, what we do is an action done in a particular way by two consenting singles, there is nothing wrong about it. Sometimes we “hang out”, but there is not much of a real emotional closeness. 
(Maybe I could try to inspire him this time..)
I already experienced the shallowness of such arrangement in October, and I had seen back then that it was not working for me - not after all I’ve been through, and perhaps because of my age anymore.
I decided to test the waters again with the same person for I am finally healed from obsessing about my ex. Could I enjoy it now? 
I feel free, and yet - I still have the same dreams… Then this man doesn't even kiss me when we meet outside, and in couple of hours jumps out of the bed and off he goes. I know, I know, those are the rules… What else would I like?
I act no different while displaying my detachment. But is this detachment authentic?
Am I enjoying having one foot in and the other out?
I think I am pretending here…
I am so ready for a real relationship. Deep spiritual connection, emotional intimacy, and great sex as the icing on the cake
Is such dreaming/longing called 'living in the future' ? 
Should I tell myself: "Stay in the present and get the most out of this arrangement, however temporary. Love, laugh, live… no pressure!"

Is casual 'coloring' with someone a good enough demonstration of 'living in the present'? 
Are the big Os the best reasons for keeping doing it?

If I start thinking that "this is not going to work"… It’s a sure sign I am drifting off into the future; If I start thinking "it is going to work out" - meaning: It’ll turn romantic (despite knowing we are both so different) - I am still drifting off into the future, plus being completely delusional.
What’s a girl to do?

It’s funny how Adam and I are both waiting for the right one to appear. 
At the same time, he limits his options by relocating soon, besides - by being afraid to get really close to someone and open up; And I am a long-time escapist living in a foreign country, finding myself!

Just look for the humor in it, and getting through the first world relationship problems is guaranteed to be exciting and interesting.

¹ Carrie Bradshaw in Sex & City Movie 2

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