All good things must come to an end….

So goes the saying - then I received the rawest, jaw-dropping, and most loving call from Rowena from NSW…

Should I stay or should I go?

I want to - need to- become a qualified sex therapist. Yep, all my life experiences have been pushing me in that direction. There is an internationally recognized Sexological Bodyworker training in several places around the world. It’s not cheap… but it is still affordable, especially if I let the Diploma of Community Services in Darwin go…

Oh, if money was not an issue, I’d already be living my life! 

Nope.

Money was not the problem when I was 21, 23, 25…. up until I decided to stay away from anything to do with sex business. Meaning - trading my beauty and spirit for cash, letting myself feel frickin' depleted.

So #Ididit got a new meaning. I abused my sexuality and isolated myself from having fulfilling relationships, sexual experiences, and getting and giving some real value back.

Money easy came and easy went as I had no dreams back then… 

Fast forward a few years, I began meeting women who were sexually assaulted and we instantly bonded. I began to learn, and I began to enrich their lives with my ex-sex worker wisdom.

That's where I sensed an urgent call for a new venture. 

*Ok, I am writing this after a couple of glasses of red wine, but it gives me the courage not to censor myself.*

I believe that many of us, men and women, are trying to come to terms with what the role of ‘sex’ is supposed to look like in our lives…

My new lover, who’s been silently grieving over his ex-girlfriend the whole time, recently updated his status with the lyrics: 'Nothing compares to you' by Sinead O'Connor.

Has our sexing been doing him wrong?

In my opinion, it seems to alleviate his pain when we're together..!

However, the body has a mind of its own. 

It is our best messenger - for example - we have an orgasm, and we may want to sob; we have an orgasm, and we may reminisce what it felt like when the person next to us was also the love of our life, not just a stranger with a sweet smile (and tits, or a dick).

The trauma lives in the body for longer than in our conscious mind... humans can talk themselves into and out of anything. But the body? The body needs a different treatment than a 'talk-therapy' (e.g. - Tantra, kinesiology, hypnotherapy, bioenergetics, etc.)

I read his status and - being the good Samaritan, I tried to leave the ego out of it and sent him a good-willed message proposing he could talk to me anytime - breakups suck, let’s get real kinda message.

But then again… he’s never really cried on my shoulder and to be brutally uncensored, I don't want to be comparable, I'd rather find a new lover. So, what was I actually doing??? Anyway.

It feels good to see I've got the power to rise above my past and make something of a real value out of it in the future.

xxx

We should never stop asking for miracles

It’s easy to get caught up in brooding over the only ideas and options we consider possible. 

What we think we know is not given. 

It brings a lot of stress devising plans based solemnly on what we know, the only resources we have available, the only people that wish to support us, and handling of issues that raise up. But what if we cannot envision all the good that could possibly happen? What if the things that we don’t know could come to life and make all the difference?

If we set aside everything we know about a situation, we find ourselves in an empty space that could feel intimidating. But it doesn’t need to make us anxious. If we admit that we don’t know anything - we cannot predict the unpredictable, and we still have a lot to learn about how best to live and share our lives, a sense of peace may be a surprising side effect.

I know that from this vast empty space, we are ready to accept miracles from the Divinity around us.

I keep noticing that if I calm down and stop reacting to what I think life’s been throwing at me, opportunities that I couldn’t have even imagined in my wildest dreams start popping up seemingly out of nowhere. Opportunities - miracles - that help us grow, help us see things from a happier perspective, are waiting everywhere.

A great idea that an abundance coach once taught me was to keep asking: Just how much of anything can I receive today?

There are no limits to the abundance of love, resources, good luck, health/vitality, or success.

Abundance-blocking is down to our sense of separation, seeing the world as a dangerous place, and subconscious 'looking forward' to how our plans blow up [again]. 

I see that “Be careful what you wish for” can equal to Be careful what you say you think is the ultimate truth about you, the world and what is coming for you. Because it will.

Regarding negative self-fulfilling prophecies - they don’t come as easily, thank God. Positive wishes, on the other hand, have 100% fulfillment rate if we believe in them and we give God/the Universe a free hand to deliver it in the best way possible. These manifestations, however, may have interesting detours too
. 

What happens is one thing, and what will come out of it is another.

What miracles, near-miracles, are you grateful for?

A challenge: list three amazing things that happened in your life and re-live the exact feelings you had at the time they were happening.

For example: Seven years ago, I had been working my ass off, then I travelled, but I came back more lost and worn down than ever, not wanting to come back to the same job (I believe that's common!). I prayed for 'a real time off', some type of sanctuary where I would just rest and contemplate the next steps....

An acquaintance of mine, a photographer, called to invite me and my bestie, Ela to Switzerland... I didn't want to see him, but he sounded so busy, that I thought I could get a decent amount of time for myself while there anyway. My friend and I stayed at a luxurious mansion with servants, and, miraculously, my acquaintance was nowhere to be found...

Some time ago I was in debt, and could not see how I would get out of it and pay three more terms of my studies. Came closer to a Christmas time, when a massive opportunity opened the door to not only enough money to pay off my debts, but also to new networking opportunities which would bring some extra finance across two more years. That was just shocking. Before the event, I prayed and prayed, then I gave up and trusted that the Universe would somehow keep me on top of things. That opportunity came along (I acted on it) and it was way beyond my wildest dreams.

My ex. He was not what I had ultimately wished for in love, but he was exactly what I wanted based on what I was willing to believe about myself, men and the world at that time. He was an Aussie guy who swept me off of my feet, without my realizing it was happening. What he gave me - physically, emotionally and spiritually, still seems like a miracle.
Even though I can imagine fairy-tale-like endings, I would never go back. Because, I simply wouldn’t be happy - that is what it is, and what it was.

Of course, I could cite many more every-day-like miracles:
Not having valid tickets, explaining myself to the officers and getting away with it.

Or: One morning, when I was hungover in Argentina and about to sit down to a minivan to share a several-hours-long ride to a remote area, I realized I had no water on me. I had no idea when the next stop would be and my head was throbbing. I could had easily been mad at myself, but I remembered what a great time I had the night before, so I didn’t entertain any regrets. Then I looked down under my seat and I discovered an open, but 95% not drunk, water bottle…. It was a miracle!

And blah blah blah… I could brag forever :) - which is excellent!
An appreciation of the blessings we experienced in our lives brings more of them.

What new miracles do you need?

--> I need more security at work and sustainable, longterm relationships.
May it come in any way that would feel good!
Thank you, Universe!

P.S: I am so grateful for the time spent with my new Darwin family. I love hanging out with them, and I love the time on my own too!

The Ways We Make Decisions #sex

I believe in the power of conscious decisions. You want to have, be, or feel a certain way and you make it true by setting an intention.
The ways we are able to decide upon our behavior at any given moment are endless, and endlessly fascinating. 
My life has been about exploring my expressions in friendships, parental relationship, sexuality, romantic relationships and career choices. Obviously, these expressions have kept changing.

Yesterday I agreed to have a dinner up the tree house. I moved out of the commune, but I stop by to say hello nearly every day.
Feeling so free and myself, whenever I am around my new Darwin family, makes me reevaluate the self-imposed limited image of who I thought I was. 
I came to distinguish between 'living alone and thinking that's me - introverted but alive' and 'putting myself out there, sharing, caring, and accepting love from people who want to be more than strangers'. 
It is no longer uncomfortable. I know what setting I prefer now and what makes me come truly alive!

Likewise, it amazes me that rather than jealousy or envy, I feel gratitude for someone else sharing the same work, beliefs, and love for the same thing with the world, instead of my doing it. 
I am happy that EJ Love (the Love Priestess) will speak at the Awakened Woman Convergence 2017 in Arizona about healing sexual trauma, loving men again, and awakening one's sexuality. Many people will benefit. I love spreading the word myself, but I don't have to do all this work alone. Apparently, not in the same way as this Tantra practitioner. I support all awakened women in sharing what we believe with the rest of the world. I decided to be grateful for being part of this revolution and rejoice in the celebrations!

Other ways to effect the kind of behavior that is in alignment with our goals

I am not the one to object against hooking up for the sake of hooking up. However, it is all about HEALTHY expressions of sexuality.
This was not it: Today I was observing a substance-abusing woman with high heels and tight-fitting clothes on. She could have been anyone, but I doubt she valued herself. I doubt that any man who comes to her for "consolation" ever cares about who she really is. At the same time, I also doubt that the men who are desperate enough to come to any woman for that ONE thing, value themselves. 
People would do a lot to feel alive again and rediscover life's sweetness they think they lost. 
Cheating is another unhealthy call for something more exhilarating. It is an easy way out, so we don't have to look within and DO something uneasy about the current relationship. We could turn it into awesome, or we would have to change - thus stop hurting ourselves and others.

There are other ways in which we may come alive:
Nature, hugging trees, helping disadvantaged people, dancing... and yes, healthy, spontaneous, loving sex.

We can sleep with anyone (you know what I mean), but not everyone will give us the alignment of body-mind-spirit that we deep down truly crave. 
Being an attractive 30-year-old woman, I sometimes have to ward off men with a shovel.
Haha. But true.
So how do I decide upon whom to sleep with?
Is that by his looks? The brain? The bank account?
Well, no. I tried all of those and nothing really worked.
These days I allow "FEELINGIZATION" to step in and help. Visualisation is outdated, Arielle Ford coined the term "feelingization": Don't just watch the story in your head, feel the sensations you want to experience first!

At the moment, 'just sex' seems like the only realistic option out there for me given the time and place - hey, I am a foreigner on a bridging visa in a town full of backpackers! 
A relationship, anyone?
Regardless, I like to make sure that if I get physical, it is worth it. Therefore, these days I make decisions based on my body-mind-spirit connection and its workability. It needs to feel "right" in my gut.
I visualize, feel pleased, imagine the good fuck... and... and it finds me.

Sorry, there's no other punchline, that was it.