Wednesday, May 31, 2017


From today I am my highest version of self.

I have my emotions under control.

I am no longer influenced and directed by the energies of the past.

I don't care what other people think of me.

I love myself and take care of myself.

I lead myself from a state of joy and gratitude towards happiness, abundance and selfless goals.

I am proud of my achievements in my career, studies, friendships and relationships. In fact, I have the best relationships I've ever had.

I am loved, safe, protected and divinely helped and guided.

I lift people up, I help them heal, I encourage them, motivate them, understand them and love them selflessly and unconditionally.

I am enough.

I meet and attract my TRIBE.

I belong.

Everything is taken care of.


My detox is going super well! Got the sniffles - sings of my body purifying itself. Love it! :)
I am doing hot yoga or pilates everyday, sometimes double classes!
I feel superb actually.

The other day (probably the day that had me succumb to the cold) I run and walked for one hour, then I did a hard power yoga class.
Sweet, sweet sweat....
And I rest in between of course.
I am ready for more work now. Some interesting projects should be coming up.
Let's be surprised.

Monday, May 29, 2017

Fears vs. more effective prayers

What's your biggest fear regarding choosing the wrong partner?

Mine is violence and too much fire. Just as well no fire at all, meaning he'd have no passions. I'm guaranteed to get bored of a walking deadman beside me. 

The first reason - violence, stems from my childhood when I witnessed some of the simpler forms of domestic abuse at home. Predominantly verbal, but there were some bruises too. My father had a lot of fire. The one that breeds addictions too. My mum had no less of a fire. The one that is quick to slap, defend, or judge. In general, the flame that burns like it's the master of the universe!Therefore, I am afraid of people who do, or could, raise their voice at me, let alone of more dramatic actions. 

I am all about positive affirmations. However, acknowledging our fears is the first step to transforming them into positive wishes and effective prayers.

Funny that my biggest fear used to be being cheated on and lied to. Now, after it has happened more than one year ago and I dealt with it, the fear not only disappeared, but it seems quite superficial! Not that now I'd love to be cheated on for a change (no!), but I believe that there are worse things that could happen in a partnership, and that for this attitude I am actually less likely to be cheated on again.

How did the new fear of potential violence pop up?
As always, I've read something. I read the new guy's horoscope! Oh my... maybe less reading and more observing AND LIVING?? :)

Old-new affirmation: "I choose to focus on people's innocence and see the world through the eyes of love. I am always safe, divinely guided and protected."

I encountered some big challenges while on my holistic detox...mainly emotional ones, but I also sinned a little during my solo trip to Melbourne. Well, more on that next time. I am restoring my integrity here in Brisbane!

Meanwhile a little comment I posted on Fb under a picture of St. Kilda's beach that I've taken:
"When you respect your need for solitude to recharge, you may as well attract your 'tribe' this way. I went to St.Kilda/Melbourne on Friday. I felt blessed and I honored the time off to nurture myself. By chance, I met an Ukrainian angel, Katja, and I sensed an instant connection with her. Our chat helped me on my personal quest for gaining clarity.
Even if you think you are alone, watch out - angels are everywhere! Trust, and share your story, you never know whose heart it might melt."


Monday, May 22, 2017

People who gave up on stimulants (Day 3)

I have faith that I will keep refraining from drinking coffee and alcohol for the next three months, but I am not sure if I'll keep journaling about it every day. As writing down the stuff I ate, craved, or dreamt about is... kind of boring!

I already feel clearer and I'm taking thoughtful actions, so if I don't log in every day - it means a good thing! (I probably went to bed earlier. 💤)
I got even more determined about my holistic detox today when I remembered some people who gave up coffee and wine many, many years ago, and they still reap the benefits. 
Eric, American man whom I met while I was living and dancing in Paris, and few months after we also met up in Prague. 
We couldn't find a better opportunity to open up to each other than my sudden panic attack during our dinner one night. So... talking about an ice breaker...NOT! Not recommended.
Anyhow, I learned that he had given up alcohol 9 years prior and he didn't look back. It was quite unbelievable for me that time. I was aware that that substance didn't 'suit' me when drinking myself under the table some weekends, but I held the opinipon that one glass every now and then was of no harm.
That is for another debate.
Moving on, somehow Eric crossed my mind today, after 5 years or so of not being in touch. I am grateful for remembering that man's story. He seemed to me as a very 'together' guy, having a successful business and a kind heart. Success needs a focused mind!
Another person who's been crossing my mind since the day I started thinking about giving up wine, is Doreen Virtue. During one interview she admitted to having drunk down her emotions, intuition, and voices from the spirit she heard, just because she didn't want to seem crazy, stand out from the crowd, and in general - be visible and different. The next day she would drink lots of coffee to keep awake, and in the evening she would wind down with more wine... a vicious cycle. I resonated with that correlation between alcohol and coffee in my past big time!
Series of events had her stop. She was able to hear her angels' messages clearer, and thus she embraced her gifts.
Now Doreen's a world renowned author and angel cards' reader.
Another person who inspires me is a photographer and cameraman, Chef. (Wow, first post where I'm using real names! Perhaps it's to pay homage to those people)
I met Chef in Prague where he needed me as a model for a photographic project. It was so much fun. Again, I think I have a certain power to make people open up to me (this time not through a panic attack). Chef shared his story, and it was clear that there was no other way for him than to completely give up all stimulants (except Czech's fatty foods and sex I think). So once he made that decision to recover from drugs, he would never drink coffee, alcohol or smoke either. That's how it works.

I am inspired.
I choose to be a good vegetarian too. Haha.

I found the classic five buddhists precepts simply revamped and beautifully elaborated:

I love it.
You see, sex is allowed! (It just needs to be done right) And if someone serves you a plate with fish or meat, it seems that you may eat it too. YOU didn't harm the poor thing after all.
I don't know what will happen after the detox ends, but I'll make sure that I'm happy in love and live in harmony with life.
Whatever is needed for that, I'll do it.

Sunday, May 21, 2017

Sex-detox - yes or no (day 2)

Breakfast: stevia-sweetened home made acai bowl without any fruit. instead: chia, buckins, almond butter.
Lunch: kale salad with nutritional yeast, cultured veggies, olive oil
Snack: home-made chocolate mouse with cocoa, half avo, stevia, coconut milk, almond butter
Dinner2 eggs, carrots (example of Eastern European small dinners. I am grateful for that childhood conditioning.)

I went for a good walk during the day to soak up the sun rays - what an awful winter Australia has! It made me sweat and feel happy. I love the sunshine and hot weather! While stopping for a breath (lol, the period laziness), I tried a decaf coffee with soy milk from my favorite Newstead cafe - it felt so good!.... however, I had a mild headache shortly afterwards. It could have been because I drunk it on empty stomach after one hour of walking under the sun, or it doesn't agree with me. I will give the decaf another shot next weekend. It would be nice to fit this treat within my detox boundaries!
I didn't crave any wine today, and as usual - my own clean chocolate saved the day.

I had other urges though.... I'm hoping that sex-detox isn't on the menu of holistic recovery. I know that people do benefit from celibacy. I tried this type of detox 3x in my life (3-4 months, the longest one was 4 ½ months).
To clarify - if you observe that you use sex to 'escape', feel better, or you abuse your body on a regular basis by consenting to something that you don't actually really want - then I suggest: go on, try a sex-detox. The benefits are huge and cover range of areas. Bigger self-esteem, restored integrity, faith in your own power to feel good, sense of greater self-love, and better choices reg. next sexual partners. The first month is the most challenging, then the obsessive erotic images disappear (mostly), and one gains a deeper clarity and focus.
I've done it for those reasons and I don't regret. 
My true essense is made for mating though! My body doesn't like long periods of celibacy now that I healed from all the physical abuse.
So I shall fit some sex into my 'emotional detox' too. I have only one rule - being mindful of whom I let into my temple next time. It won't need to be my future boyfriend, nor potential husband, but he better be emotionally healthy and free, independent of responsibilities to other females, and have a non-addictive personality (btw. respectful and sexy are non-negotiables). 

I tried a different type of breathing with my female client yesterday and I practiced it this morning alone in my bedroom. Everyone should know his type of tantric breath! It's amazing how quickly it energizes and brings waves of arousal without the need for a hardcore masturbation (ok, that did happen later).
We shouldn't be too busy pleasing someone else to not be doing this breathing and moving when we're having sex! There is no rush to get to the 'end goal'.... I know this, yet time and time again I forget to stay in the moment, breathe right, and make it count.

It's nearly 11pm, I'm starting to crave some peanut butter. I better go to sleep quickly, before I find my way to the fridge!

Saturday, May 20, 2017

First day

Three-month detox challenge late check-in:
Not drinking, not eating junk (but eating a lot), and trying (oh, the damn word!) to be positive. 
First day of my period, very fatigued, cravings were on, but I conquered them with healthy alternatives, like, 500g of cocoa drowned in lots of creamy coconut milk... The unsweetened hot choco was divine! 
I was invited to go out grooving, but it was one of the evenings when I had a booking and then I just wanted to jump in the bed and listen to Hayhouse. In overall a challenging day regarding cravings for sugar, sex and wine - if I were to go out, so I held on tight to the leash I'd put around my neck, bit my nails and stayed strong. The first few days are the most uncomfortable ones, plus I have the female days, but it won't last forever. I know that this is the way to go. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel 😄

Friday, May 19, 2017

How an unexpected binge led me to an idea for a holistic recovery

This post is live! Uncensored! Unedited! Haha. 
As if I've ever done otherwise.

I planned to visit an Ecstatic dance community in West End tonight; Grooving to the electro-trance-shaman music, getting out of the head into the body, losing myself, finding clarity and rejoicing in the happiness on the dance floor...

Instead I binged and couldn't move. My 'small' pre-dance snack turned into a full blown dinner with perhaps not the wisest food choices.

I was determined to dance anyway.... productively utilize my digesting before feeling light enough to rock my own living room, I tuned into to the annual Hayhouse world summit 2017 (as I've been for the past 5 years!) .

I got blown away by an interview with Kerri Richardson about clutter (physical, emotional, body weight or relationships), and further inspired by Liana Werner-Gray's healing food blog.
Couple of days ago I listened to a talk about food addictions by Dr. Susan Pierce Thompson, and she made my weight struggle appear mundane, yet borderline if emotions were left unchecked.
Being also a big advocate of the "Body Ecology" way of eating by Donna Gates, I put 2 and 2 together...
and x, y, z... and things started to make sense.

Long story cut short:

I am embarking on a 3 months detox. Since I have only 3 months left in Australia guaranteed, I might as well make them healthy and working towards my happiness.
It won't be about juicing or starving myself...

Interestingly, nobody mentioned a word about coffee and alcohol on Hayhouse today, and I know how sensitive this topic is! Coffee, wine - good or bad?? How much, how little, when? I am sick of it as well as you. 
But I have my history of substance and food abuse.... Because I know that balance is so hard to achieve, even irregular drinking directly impacts my whole life - The way I think, the way I feel, the way I act and the way I turn a blind eye on toxic people who feel good in my presence, but I feel worse in theirs..
I am the sensitive one and I must respect that.

I've been slipping off the happiness and stability track in the past few weeks. It's my lack of integrity with myself.

No need to despair - I devised a plan for recovery!

Non-negotiables from now on to August 25th and hopefully beyond, wherever it might be:

  • Saying no to alcohol, coffee, processed sugar and flour - wheat
  • No to toxic relationships
  • Diet free from negative thoughts, self-judgment, guilt and other unaddressed negative emotions. -> yes to daily forgiveness and gratitude.
  • SWEAT once a day (at least). Whether it'd be hot yoga, pilates, dance or running, or a very long love-making session (with a non-toxic person for a change). Doing something physical every day.
  • No to mixing carbohydrates with protein - e.g: quiche, sushi, pasta with cheese, gluten-free anything with meat, eggs or dairy.
I believe that when I tackle the first two points, everything else will follow effortlessly. I will be doing the right thing for my brain and my body. When these two start working in my favor again, I'll naturally make healthier food choices and award myself with more happy, positive and nurturing thoughts. 
Further tricks for my DETOX:

  • Starting my day with lots of water. And a glass of lemon water - warm or cold.
  • Morning visualization of happiness, feeling in love with myself and life. Prayer to God filled with gratitude.
  • Approved liquids for energy - matcha, chai, green tea, oolong, yerba mate. Not sure about decaffeinated coffee yet.
  • Eating whole foods
  • Yes to kefir, yes to probiotics and cultured vegetables, no to kombucha
  • No to cakes with flour, coconut sugar and seemingly good stuff - I don't need that for my survival
  • Swapping commercial dark chocolate for cacao with stevia and coconut oil
  • Limiting fruit. 1-2 pieces of fruit per day
  • Limiting dairy, soy and peanuts. If, then organic or cultured.
I will monitor myself by writing daily posts stating what I ate and how I feel..
I feel excited already! :)

And yes, I danced for one hour to Wild Marmalade, and I am convinced that moving and feeling optimistic is my TRUE nature.

Message to my body:
My body, please forgive me for resisting your cries, your signals, and trying to outsmart you. I love the way you feel when it doesn't feel right!

Sunday, May 14, 2017

Depth of Clarity (workshop)

Getting clear on certain matters in our lives is a must…. However, analyzing doesn't always work.

This weekend's 5rhythms dance workshop by David Juriansz (MovingEssence) brought a new level of presence to my thought process and it expanded my heart in exchange.

How was 'letting your head go' and dropping into the body to find the answers?

It was delicious, magnificent, perfect, effortless, awesome, fun, inspiring and transformative. And sweaty, of course.

My notes from yesterday:

In a dance, start by embodying your shadows… the opposites of what you think you should be… In my case it was: the slut, the whore, the nomad, the needy woman, the nutcase…

Don’t just ‘accept’ it, be it - embody it - play with it, and love it.

My perceived ’problem’ used to be constant closing off, opening up, then closing off, and again… Am I a fickle butterfly? Indecisive? Split??
What is it like to dance my confusion, my inconsistent nature, the randomness of my actions?

Let’s play the game playfully. Closing off isn't necessarily a bad thing if I have fun with it, if I play it long enough, get bored, thus start opening up to a new attitude, perception, way of looking at things…

Soften into your confusion - acknowledge your sloppiness…
be friendly with it.

Today, the last day of the workshop, I started a little activated… My driver (a fellow dancer, Rick) arrived later than we agreed upon, so I was worried we wouldn’t get to the event on time, and thus disappoint the facilitator.. 
I’ve had my share of late arrivals and the necessary apologies for restoring my integrity… so I understood. However, since doing few “Integrity seminars” that’s not to be expected of me anymore. I am all about integrity in punctuality these days.

Off the record- when my clients arrive late - I don’t like it, but I can understand it. When they arrive super early, 10 minutes plus, I somehow perceive it just as rude as being late and unannounced.
The top of all rudeness was when a new client, a woman who wanted my coaching on a sensitive topic, arrived 1 hour and half earlier! She texted me at 10:15 that she is soon getting off of the bus and would be at my place at 10:30… hmmm… what happened to our appointment at 12pm?????

I was out, living my life, but I said, mhm, ok, let me catch a cab….
Then I, amateur, gave her also an extra hour FREE OF CHARGE.

Ok. My fault. I’m just a life coach junior …

Rick and I managed to miraculously arrive right on time. The time we were told the previous night… but the overall thing started 30 minutes late anyway! (just as always).

What did I discover today?


I love that spontaneous realization. Oftentimes, when we feel unloved, lonely, misunderstood, or we feel our lovers don’t feel the same about us, we latch onto them, trying to 'change their minds', squeeze out more love, but love is really all around us… there was so much love on the dance floor today!

How did I finally embody CLARITY?
I declared it out loud.
When deciding, FOLLOW YOUR HEART.

I started loving hugs…. The random hugs from random people. Some hugs are so frickin’ supercharged. Luckily, we are able to choose to let only love in… 
As people, we cary lots of unhelpful shit too, we store energies that should have been expelled long time ago, but in our defense we are also so full of infinite love. When interacting with others, we can choose to let only love in - Only love gets to get in!
Receive. Give. Feel the goodness. And that’s it.

I used to pick up on people’s shit, and soak it up like a sponge… but I don’t do that anymore. The resolution was a conscious choice. A respectful one, but definitely one reflecting my new, higher level of self-love and self-respect. I have boundaries: I am here to support - but I am not here to “carry your shit”.

God is my infinite source of love and wisdom. I want to ground myself there, and not feel hungry for human unconditional love. It exists - but it’s not the only source, and it needs to be given the space to roam free….

Regarding the clarity for my next ventures, studies and relationships… ugh. Tough cookie. The confusion is gone, or rather the negative emotion due to the perceived confusion by the story I invented... so, I am waiting for CLARITY to step in. (
Overnight, please??)

Embrace all of you!

My event “Are you still judging you?” went well. 

We browsed into the spheres of self-love and acceptance of the fearful ego more than anywhere else.

I utilized all that I’ve learned about my thought process and applied it in a positive and simple, no-pressure way, so others could see that: the judging will never stop! 
But we can disassociate from its detrimental effects of paralyzation. If people don't act upon their deepest yearnings because of a "story" they have, they'd keep judging themselves in a harmful way.

The trick is to separate the negative emotion from the story we are telling ourselves about the original experience. Negative emotion is a sign that we are still processing what happened to us, and unfortunately, we tend to get absolutely overwhelmed by feelings of powerlessness and therefore, in many cases, we are paralysed to change the "story" to something that would empower us instead.

The emotion is not the enemy. It is the self-sabotage, or the 'justified non-action' that is.

I'd like to think I devised a tool for seeing the distinctions, for recognizing what is real and what can be thrown away. 
Self-love and self-respect in spite of the fears are key to master the courage to change the broken record running in our subconsciousness.

I got a nice feedback and I saw that people were leaving grateful and inspired.
I wish I had the extra balls to have promoted my new services as a starting life coach too, not just a "motivational speaker".
But we all have to begin somewhere, hey...
And perhaps the word of mouth will do its trick...

I will do this again.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Toxic or crying out for love?

When to cut the cords, thus help, and when to stick around and help

Should we keep on agreeing with people's defense mechanisms to which they are so oblivious?

'Help' in italics because I believe that unless we confront the person in a respectful manner and leave them to access their own resources (cut the cords for a short time), no other means of help (e.g. agreeing, friendly counselling) are effective.

Perhaps I'm just justifying my recent action.

I feel a little unsure about the impact I made on my aquaintance Steve with the contemplated, yet very direct essay I sent on Saturday at 5am. I couldn't keep quiet any longer...I wanted to shake him and bring him back to his senses.

"Steve, our meeting has deeply upset me. I just woke up and knew I had to write it off my chest. Please know that I am sending you a big wave of love...

You are withholding yours from people. Unless you're willing to give it freely, give more of yourself, become bare and vulnerable, you will keep on getting what your getting and meeting whom you're meeting. I'm sure those dates could have been great women, but they couldn't get through your invisible barriers.

You said you were my friend, but when I shared about J you didn't try to understand me and judged me instead. My real friend just listened last night without being smart about what happened or making judgments. She felt my pain, and offered her compassion. Nothing more was needed.
Please do not contact me for the next few weeks. Just observe yourself. I hope you'll find your unicorn - in the ideal world where you're surely a prince charming.
If not, love every second without pigeonholing people.

Take care of yourself, don't drink down your emotions as you're just avoiding facing your demons and pushing love further away. Love has many forms and expressions. Sometimes we learn it through tears. No one promised it would be easy. Either way, tears are cleansing and lead to the heart expanding more. Mine expanded, but yours is contracted and cold. 
Good luck."

I am aware that we are not here to 'set people straight', or lead them by the hand (unless they're children), and neither we're here to abandon them. We need each other. 
And timing is essential.

When I looked into J’s sparkling eyes the other night, I saw what I had been avoiding to see nearly all my life…. that we were all one.

We are all connected… what I’ll do unto him, he will do unto the mother of his children, his children, his colleagues, and then they will do same unto others… There is nothing as words and actions without consequences…. 

I wasn’t sure whether I should see him, feeling afraid that he was just passing the time [with me] until his partner gets better (not a very empowering thought); moreover, I'd have to be acting all cool before his upcoming business trip.
Talking about sense and sensibility battles, unidentified feelings, horniness, and loneliness that cloud my judgment… and so does the aforementioned ‘connection’. I realized then and there that his happiness equaled my happiness… that somehow, inevitably, I had to make space for whatever that guy required for happiness to occur.

We are all designers of our own happiness, but frankly, how often do we get it 'right'? Not always. So we have to play the cards we were dealt with and adjust our attitudes accordingly. 

I chose love and surrender that night, confident that he would pass that on - unto others.

This is how I explain what I said to Steve. I care about him enough to let him know what I think about his actions. He may decide to take an offense from my mega long text (ok, I could have called), or he may choose that it is time to stop being a big baby that got hurt long time ago, harbors resentments, and is judgmental of others, and start being more loving and compassionate. Compassion and love breeds more of the same in others... The reaction to someone embodying those is usually positive and causes a desirable domino effect.
It's time to become the warriors of light & heart.

“The way of the miracle worker is to see all human behavior as one of two things: either love, or call for love.”
- Marianne Williamson