Sunday, December 31, 2017

I guess it's a New Year's resolution

Update on my decision for celibacy before meeting the man I'll happily fall in love with, be able to imagine as my loving and protective husband, who will be just as crazy about us and determined to stay with me and make love to me for as long as we make sense to each other:

Yep, I still stand by it.

Without any pretense - I find it incredibly hard at times. I’ve always had a naturally high sexual appetite, tremendous curiosity regarding the body and physicalities, and I get so horny just before my period…

I nearly made a mistake last week and hooked up with Thor, nearly, but fate stepped in. The next day I spoke with my sister about possibly making an exception, since T. is a previous sex partner, and “we are still in 2017….”
No. She had the most well-meant arguments on the planet, and her brutal cutting off my wings sent me back to reality. However, as a result, it brought back my self-esteem.

I don’t need to fuck every time I feel lonely.

Today, I’m standing in my power and just as my sis reminded me, I'm being aware of the sweet fruits this cautiousness regarding my sex-life shall bring. When I finally meet the one I’ve been longing for, he’ll receive my waiting body as an added bonus to my super-duper awesome personality. It is so sad to waste my gifts in a casual bed-buddy thing, where the other party doesn’t care about what everything I’m made of. If I take myself for granted - they can, too. 
If I knew what I deserved, I appreciated and loved myself - why shouldn’t they?

This is the time for a new approach.
I forgave myself for that momentary weakness experienced last week. In fact, I'm glad - I learned a lot!

Thank you, my sister, for acting as my guide and re-directing me to the path I chose when I had a clear head and a clear vision for my future relationship.
I loved it!

Happy new year! 
May 2018 be our best year yet x
(I know, it is quite contingent)

Thursday, December 28, 2017


A quick update.

I didn’t do anything special around Christmas. I worked in the shop on Christmas Eve and on Boxing Day, so no 'Orphan party' either. Also, as every year, I made the obligatory call to my parents.

To treat myself on my well-deserved day off, the Christmas Day, I didn’t care about becoming a lazy, chubby blob and I moved only from the bed to the fridge and back to the bed. Happy times!

That was exactly what I planned.

Or maybe not, as in the middle of all that snacking, napping and Netflix watching, I decided to finish my school assignment, and…. invite Mike for a dinner of frozen peas. [cooked].

Anyone else would be busy with their families.
Mike accepted. Tidying his shed probably didn’t seem as interesting as sampling a very vegan meal from a Czech girl dressed like a Wonderwoman on a hot Christmas Day.

Mike is a guy who gave me a lift four months ago when I was a bit stranded on the highway, waiting in the heat for the next bus coming in half an hour.
He introduced me to the Jungle house, where I met all the lovely backpackers, and then some, who consequently became my new Darwin family.
I stopped hanging out with Mike due to his pathological impunctuality. Enough said, we started texting and mending the friendship about a month ago. My life has been a whirlwind since so we didn’t get the chance to meet up before this Monday the 25th.

Sadly, this guy will never change. He came 20 minutes late with such a lousy excuse. I said nothing.
I just deleted him from my phone.

I'm kidding. However, there's definitely no need to see him again!
One might think that I was being 'generous' because of the spirit of Christmas - and - I’m cringing now - because what if I was?

I actually hate that Christmas’ pretentiousness.
I hate it with a passion.
A childhood memory of a mother putting on a fake smile: 
“It’s Christmas”.“Let’s do this for the kids.”
Hm.Let’s do this for Mike?

I have no regrets. Halfway through my napping day, I simply didn’t feel like facing Christmas through to the end all alone.
Moreover, Mike sensed and respected my need for rest and privacy and left soon after the dinner. All felt cool and friendly between us, which made me believe that any residues of a bad karma got smoothed out.

And that’s me and Christmas. We’re done. No more 'celebrating' in the years to come.
Unless I have kids. (?)

For the record, it’s a Christian holiday. If we believe in Jesus (I do), let’s go to the church, or let's not; let's act like Jesus would - spreading the love, joy and generosity the whole year around. If not, admit we're hypocrites. 
If we narrow 'family and giving' only to a single day, I don't know, but to me it's like acting as foolish, pretentious robots. 
Why do we celebrate 'family and giving' only on Christmas if we don't believe in Christianity or - which is even sadder, if we don't feel like it any other time of the year?
I guess that it must be some unquestionable tradition! Smiley face.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Weird Love Triangle (me, my pushbike, and food)

I'm sitting by the Lake Alexander and writing this post instead of meeting my assignment deadline or, clearly, going to a body pump class, cleaning the kitchen, finding a roommate, planning my school break and all the other things. But I am sorting my shit out over here. Sort of.

Minutes before storming out of the apartment, grabbing my push bike,  and frantically pedaling for as long as 
took to feel better about myself and my metabolism, I indulged in another of my random food binges. There is definitely nothing wrong with me. 
We all eat only celery sticks the first half of the day so in the second half of the day, in a hunger-trance, we can open (and eat at once) all the potato chips and chocolate cookies that we stashed away for Christmas, right? Hm, maybe not.

I suppose that not everyone is as unhealthily food and weight-obsessed as I am. This is no longer about food though.

It seems as though my promise of celibacy is not going very smooth. In the evenings, I watch Brooklyn 9-9 and imagine Adam Samberg's big mouth all over every part of my body... he's hot, but I might be overdoing this.
In The Accountant, Ben Affleck brought some memories of Ralf's facial features. Ben's spectacles, nerdy looks and politely brief responses gave me the conviction that he must have rehearsed that role based on observations of R's intellectual demeanor. R is not a nobody after all. At least not for me.
Somewhere, I read that actors study hard for their roles, they have to learn new skills, observe and take inspiration from others. Ben's possible stalking of clever people would make sense.
I'm floating in my fantasies, the chin dimple gets me every time,  and..
Then I overeat, because having something in my mouth makes me feel kinda blissed out, too.

That brings me to another actor.

The backpacker in 
Aquarius. Fond of whiskey and healing from a break-up. Shall we call him Aquarius? A Poker Face? Or a Little Bird? I still want to sleep with him, but when I got the chance last week at Larissa's goodbye party, I decided to turn around and make a disheveled, drunken escape on my bike. I'm surprised how brave I felt at 3am, totally under the influence of alcohol, cycling through pitch black tropical bushes to reach my home. True, it was only a couple of minutes away and it felt really cool.

I confessed my remorse over that finished romance to our mutual friend, Thor. He suggested an open communication... 

Of course, how did I not think of it one more time? - A communication, this wonderful premise of a resolution one day, someday!
Oh wait, could Thor be suggesting a threesome?
Once I'm done with abstaining from sexual activity and if I'm still single, of course.
But, come on, Little Birdie doesn't communicate!

Regardless of the past, I truly want, and I'm ready for, a lasting and loving relationship. Something tells me that - ehm - my mind doesn't have the answers. I might be unstable at times, but I have so much love to give and I want to share my life with someone.
I want to wake up and smell a man's skin next to mine.

I started loving men like nothing else. It's my own self-love that made it possible to find and give love to other people.
However, I am still a work in progress. I judge, I fear, and I am paranoid. According to R., I'd like to be overpowered, but I don't trust males. Yes, I don't. That's why my romantic relationships suck. I'm preparing a 'master/slave' post, wait for it!

I need new career and relationship goals up on my vision board and a sharp focus now. I think that a whole month of January without alcohol would go nicely hand in hand with my sexual deprivation. Um - celibacy, I meant, a holy celibacy.
Thor will hold me accountable for not drinking in January at all. He's experienced in abstaining from alcohol ever since forever.
And then I'll do my best to do the same for R. We're only training now.
Something to look forward to!

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Meeting Ralf again

Nine hours to go before the Hayhouse book proposal deadline.
What will I write?
Yes, you heard me... "will", not "did".
Ok, I've written so much ever since the August workshop in Sydney but it seems as if no text quite conveys my truth. What exactly is my truth? What is my message? I've been asking myself this for the past few weeks.
I think I've got to send something. I'd rather regret doing it than not doing it - as with everything!

Last week was full-on. I flew from Darwin to Brisbane to meet up with those who matter. I saw my friends, my past clients and the object of my infatuation since one year ago, Ralf. It was his treat to fly me over for another of his brief annual visits.

First, I met up with a male friend (an ex-friend, wait for it) who travels back and forth between Sydney and Brisbane. He coincidentally contacted me just two days prior my trip and asked to restore our friendship. He was a business coach and I was a Tantric coach. Our regular sessions benefited both for many months while I lived in Brisbane, but due to his slightly overstepping the "code of conduct" during our last meeting in June, I had to ditch him.
Don't most men hope to become a lover one day, someday, or just for a day? 
It took a day to figure his motives. I am not interested in more than business. But this Sydney based coach and I can't work together anymore, and neither can our past collaboration ever turn into a real friendship.

Then I saw Ralf. A super-kind, talented, intelligent, elegant and sexy being. Last year, his presence, the way he treated me and all the long-distance follow-up messaging led me away from the post-breakup self-loathing towards a holistic recovery
My ex just seemed so small in comparison with Ralf. 

Him - that guy - my ex - (God bless him) he mirrored my own smallness, my living without integrity, my fearing of authentic self-expression, not appreciating life's gifts, my lying and sabotaging my success with toxic deeds. For too long, I obsessed about him and what he did. My unconscious self-destructive reasons did a great job distracting me from changing what I didn't like about myself.
Distractions disappeared, and I journeyed to a private hell and back to emerge more whole than ever before.
I can't underestimate the fatal meeting with Ralf one year ago, for it had triggered a new desire - to work hard on myself and thus attract better-suited men into my life. 

Still nerdily sexy, Ralf entertained me with his mindful actions and provoking opinions. I love when a man hosts and takes care of everything. R. is that man, plus a true gentleman with a kinky side.
I learned a little bit more about R's character this time. Unsurprisingly, I might have not paid enough attention last year.

I observed that although an Earth Angel, Ralf (too) fails to recognize his true nature and appreciate himself for his talents in this lifetime. He might acknowledge that he is the "Agent of change" for many people, the person capable of lifting others up to their potential, but he cannot see burning out in the process of giving. When there's no energy left for own upliftment, how else to recharge an introvert who's paid to be an extrovert, other than with booze?
I learned that, seemingly confident, R. shies away from unconditional self-love and self-nurturing practices; advocating loving kindness, but not implementing it on his own being. I, too, needed to learn that I was a good person, and worthy of putting myself first. We are not helping anyone if we're not happy.
And yes, even angels and catalysts of change have issues.
I get humbled by R.'s humility and concerned by his self-sabotage. Did I pass on the nasty self-doubting bug during our last year's hug? Did I infect him with melancholy through the friendly kiss in 2016? 

I did my best to pass on some love and light this time, during our... ehm... discussions... about celibacy....[naked].
My favorite breakfast dish got a whole new meaning ever since having eaten it while Ralf - [deleted for moderation] - . I won't look at porridge the same way for a long, long time. True, my brekki felt quite sexy this morning, I wonder why.
And I still keep celibate.

Anyway, below are some of my favorite posts where I acknowledged this human being for playing my angel last year, for inspiring me, helping me workwise, and awakening my desire for intellectual stimulation.

Until next year...!

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Getting what through celibacy?

Sleepless nights are often the body's way of telling us that we have been lying to ourselves. Perhaps living in a stubborn denial of the truth? Worries are lies too. The pictures in our heads are not real and not guaranteed to happen.
Regarding myself, the only noticeably annoying thing about not sleeping enough is how much I want to eat the next day. A lot! 

I felt full of energy on Thursday night, thinking about the past and future, drifting back, floating forward, then freaking over my beating heart. The ungraspable anxiety shook my little core a little too much that time. I wasn’t sure whether my panic lasted a few minutes or a few hours. 
The evening prior, I was unpacking and restocking at the store where I work, I cycled back home 7km, tried to resist the midnight hunger pangs and went to bed exhausted but somewhat puzzled as I always do at that early morning hour. Normally, I would have been fast asleep at that time. Last night, I interrupted the familiar biorhythm, minutes turned into hours, I twisted and turned, then around 3am I got up and had a snack, since dinner was ages ago.
I felt comforted. 

Nevertheless, at 5am I was calling my sister on WhatsApp. A surprise for her to hear me at that hour! It was the evening in Prague, she was shopping for some dinner while singing me a lullaby… The next time I looked at my phone, the screen flashed 9am.
I got up, toasted some sourdough, and scooped peanut butter from the jar straight into my mouth.

Our thoughts are like little monkeys. They're running around, smashing things, making fun of each other and consequently driving us mad.
Sometimes, it’s so hard to distinguish which monkey is the leader and which one causes the most mess.

In my case, is it the monkey who is worried about making the wrong financial move next week? 
Is it the monkey who keeps laughing at my naivety regarding the men in my life, at my co-dependence regarding toxic relationships and friendships?
Or is it the monkey who keeps nagging and entertaining me with the idea of celibacy?  

A confession: This year I have slept with 5 men. In hindsight, it is the lowest annual number since I started being sexually active, but - the but is what counts - the highest since I quit my previous, self-abusive, life. Let me explain. The two significant sexual changes I made in my life turned everything I knew about me upside down - when I went from promiscuous to somewhat professional, and from professional to 'ordinary' lost girl looking for a relationship (perhaps somewhere around the clumsy attempt with my ex). But I'm still clumsy!

My ex triggered the craving for a meaningful sex, but I didn't know how to go about it. Should I search for it, push it, or does it develop on its own?

Today, I ask myself: Have I ever made a commitment to myself? 

Did I stop sleeping around because I wanted to focus on getting more out of life, or because I felt through with men and full of resentment?
Did I start working and being of service to others because I cared about them, or because I wanted to escape my own longing for love and healing?

Sadly, it’s always been the latter.
I slept with those five handsome men because I felt lonely, possibly not good enough and I needed to prove myself that I could seduce whomever I wanted.
I also slept with those random men this year because I could. Because I know that I am attractive, able to snap my fingers and they’ll come running to my bed. 

I don't want to do that anymore.
The most recent time I’ve done such thing, about two weeks ago, I crossed the line.
I decided that it was about time to have sex with my fairly new Darwin friend before he leaves for good. Yes, he happens to be beautiful - physically and spiritually. Not only he faintly resembles Thor, the God of Thunder, but he also always means well.
However, since we slept together, I have not been feeling good. Good about myself, the twisted decision, and neither do I feel particularly good about him as a person.
(Just another sexy man taking advantage of a no-strings-attached shag. 
Well, I 'offered' and we both must have seen that coming.) 

Assessing the events of the last two, three months, taking up a lover who had a drinking problem and strings attached to his latest ex, then disposing of him because of my fears of rejection, only to be drowning in total anxiety soon after, contemplating leaving Darwin, then actually trying a different guy in bed, just in case he would leave Darwin earlier than I would. Which he did.

These unplanned, mildly egoistic and not very thoughtful affairs could get out of control.
Now, I am where I started one year ago. Alone and not looking.
I'm just looking forward to Ralf visiting Brisbane soon. Hahah!

I need to commit to myself before I see him again. My secret lolita persona could make a big fat mistake. I suspect it is just my monkey mind playing tricks on me though. I have no desire to take our year-long, long-distance fascination any further. Plus, 
I know, I know, he’s married, and all that.

There is something interesting about the articles about celibacy that my sister sent me… To be honest, I’d been contemplating this before we began discussing it.

I’ve had a lot of sex in my life and many bouts of depression. Could that be related?

I’m only just starting to come back to myself after the latest escapade with my friend. I don’t have to be giving my power away, hoping for a connection, yet losing the track of where I want to be heading. I must hard-work my way to better self-esteem, positive attitude, and expect new results in my life if only I focus on strengthening my boundaries.
Making love exclusively to myself and God for as long as it takes sounds actually quite great.
Can I commit to myself for a whole year, having no distractions, and thus, eventually, get what I want?

Sex has never been it. I could list exactly what followed with these five men in details - Nothing. It was going nowhere.

The orgasms I got, were just orgasms. I can give them to myself, and guess what, much better!

If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done…
Food for thought.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

The Benefits of Making Commitments

I’m listening to Deya Dova and imagining that I’m dancing at the Flow festival in Western Australia which is due in two weeks. I won't make my way over there, but as you can imagine, I’m up for grooving in my living room anytime.

The post today is about “making commitments” with regards to achieving the grandeur goals, completing our karma, and learning new life lessons - totally individualistic and changeable as we grow.

The script of my life was set very early - unstable home - tending to choose the flight response as opposed to fighting. Later, my fears became more specific: the threat of no home, the fear of rejection and non-acceptance.
So I kept running and running…hoping to escape my fears of impending demise, or finding out that I wasn't worthy of help.

Panic attacks crept up slowly and steadily and stayed for some time.

I found it so damn hard to live in one place, committing to one full-time job, staying in one relationship that was evolving into a deep intimacy, or sticking to a decision to grow in an easy and loving way.

Yes, all those can be forms of commitments. Are we ready to learn through love, or we continue learning through fear and doubt?

What do I think are my lessons, the challenges, to be embraced now at 30 years old:

  • To see things through to the end.
  • To stay.
  • To ground.
  • To make commitments.
  • To create my own home and stability.
  • To live my life authentically, focused on love, and not acting upon the fears in my head.

The moment I made the commitment to stay in Darwin despite hardships, I found a job. More importantly, when I signed up for a year-long membership in a ladies-gym-only, my new Australian student visa came through.
Three long months of uncertainty are over!

The question that bugs my mind is: 

Can we make commitments and still feel free?

One of the best quotes ever:

“Man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains.”
- Jean-Jacques Rousseau

I feel in chains when something’s set in stone, when there is a ceiling to how much I can make, when I need to comply with visa conditions, when I need to commit to memberships, when I see a monotonous environment for too long, when I’m threatened by penalties for taking my time, when a guy’s clearly with me just so he has regular sex but I’m headed towards dependency, when I can’t modify my circumstances due to the political and economic systems, when I need to stick with things to see results in ages to come… shit!
Ever heard of immediate gratification? Or of a room for a surprising turn of events? Perhaps just a permission to breathe in peace, and believing in miracles just around the corner. It is a funky stuff. Commitments scare the shit out of me :(

“I prefer liberty with danger than peace with slavery.”
― Jean-Jacques Rousseau

In my opinion, we need to create our own freedom in everything that we think, feel and do. That is our responsibility. This is not the age of slavery, unless we let it be so.

What are the benefits of making commitments? Why do I feel like I need to start making them?

“If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done.”
― Thomas Jefferson

Let's say that:

  • A degree wouldn’t just turn up around the corner. It takes at least three years…
  • Long-term memberships tend to save money over time.
  • Pay-raise is not immediate - we need to demonstrate great skills and loyalty to the company.
  • Relationships don’t happen overnight. They evolve in a matter of weeks, months, years…
  • The commitment to a healthy lifestyle yields positive results after having adopted it for a few months at least.

Sometimes, we just have to commit to ourselves and our wellbeing, not to someone or something else.
If we commit and stay, we are likely to find something valuable that would otherwise be inaccessible while on the run.
Traveling is great, but it cannot last forever. 70 and still homeless, sleeping by the fire, heating up beans, and flirting with 18-year-old backpackers every night? Alright, maybe the last bit.

Good luck with making commitments!

Monday, November 6, 2017

Life pushes us forward #sexualhealing

Oops, I have missed my blog's birthday! My very first post was on 25th October 2016.

We are officially 1 year old! Yay.

And we are healed. From the break up with Him. That's all. There's still a lot of shit to get through.

I've never claimed to be an enlightened, perfect Guru.
Neither I'm that vain to worry about admitting that my mind is still a mess sometimes. I believe that we can never truly get our shit together as long as life keeps happening and we're still breathing.


The breakup had occured 20 months ago and compelled me to vent my anger and sadness on this blog. I got over it. I still love Him as a friend, a human being along with all our common friends. 
I'll probably come to visit around Christmas, him and I might take a bath together, but we won't sleep together and neither we'll make plans for the future together. Thus, life will go on. 
I feel like I was born a little messed up so my life could be more interesting!

It doesn't matter if you agree with the expression "Everything happens for a reason" or you hate it to bits, it is essentially true. You just have to find your own "why", and see the reason with courage. Everything that happens in life pushes you forward onto the next step, the next path, the next life.
Even for banal things that we don't think about, like: "the sun goes down every night", there is a reason (other than physics) : It's time to go to bed and get ready for a new day.

Bad things happen to us so we break and shatter into pieces. Then we start again, we make changes, we unravel, emerge, burst, embark upon something new, we must move on...

Therefore, I am doing my best to help others where I helped myself. Here comes an idea for my new project:


Hello Ladies,
My name is Pavlina, I am a member of Fernwood Fitness, a sex educator, holistic practitioner, Tantra therapist and a life coach.

I empower women with regards to their sexuality. I am developing a program where I help women heal their relationship to their bodies and their sexuality, as a preparation for an international certification in Sexological Bodywork™.

I am looking for volunteer women who feel they may be sexually repressed, they suffered sexual abuse in the past, have a love/hate relationship with their bodies, battle with sexual shame and guilt, or unsuccessfully try to heal their relationship to men (and the divine masculine).

I offer three free sessions with me (total 3 hours) in exchange for a feedback (survey) and an anonymous testimonial on my website.

The sessions include absolute confidentiality, unconditional love and support, non-judgmental listening, emotional freedom techniques and also a hands-on Tantric therapy - a body massage to help you reconnect with your body, harmonize your chakras and open up the energetic channel between your earthly realm (shakti energy) and the spiritual realm (shiva energy).

Although profound results are not guaranteed after just three sessions, it should still bring you happiness and feelings of wellbeing. If you wanted to step beyond your comfort zone even further, I would be delighted to offer a reduced rate for continuing our sessions weekly, coaching you until you reach your desired outcome. This is a one time opportunity!

If this is something that interests you, please text me to arrange your first hour of free consultation conducted either at my home, a short walk from Fernwood, or at your chosen place.

You may also check my website:

I look forward to hearing from you!


Thursday, October 26, 2017

All good things must come to an end….

So goes the saying - then I received the rawest, jaw-dropping, and most loving call from Rowena from NSW…

Should I stay or should I go?

I want to - need to- become a qualified sex therapist. Yep, all my life experiences have been pushing me in that direction. There is an internationally recognized Sexological Bodyworker training in several places around the world. It’s not cheap… but it is still affordable, especially if I let the Diploma of Community Services in Darwin go…

Oh, if money was not an issue, I’d already be living my life! 


Money was not the problem when I was 21, 23, 25…. up until I decided to stay away from anything to do with sex business. Meaning - trading my beauty and spirit for cash, letting myself feel frickin' depleted.

So #Ididit got a new meaning. I abused my sexuality and isolated myself from having fulfilling relationships, sexual experiences, and getting and giving some real value back.

Money easy came and easy went as I had no dreams back then… 
Fast forward a few years, I began meeting women who were sexually assaulted and we instantly bonded. I began to learn, and I began to enrich their lives with my ex-sex worker wisdom.
That's where I sensed an urgent call for a new venture. 

*Ok, I am writing this after a couple of glasses of red wine, but it gives me the courage not to censor myself.*

I believe that many of us, men and women, are trying to come to terms with what the role of ‘sex’ is supposed to look like in our lives…

My new lover, who’s been silently grieving over his ex-girlfriend the whole time, recently updated his status with the lyrics: 'Nothing compares to you' by Sinead O'Connor.
Has our sexing been doing him wrong?
In my opinion, it seems to alleviate his pain when we're together..!

However, the body has a mind of its own. 
It is our best messenger - for example - we have an orgasm, and we may want to sob; we have an orgasm, and we may reminisce what it felt like when the person next to us was also the love of our life, not just a stranger with a sweet smile (and tits, or a dick).
The trauma lives in the body for longer than in our conscious mind... humans can talk themselves into and out of anything. But the body? The body needs a different treatment than a 'talk-therapy' (e.g. - Tantra, kinesiology, hypnotherapy, bioenergetics, etc.)

I read his status and - being the good Samaritan, I tried to leave the ego out of it and sent him a good-willed message proposing he could talk to me anytime - breakups suck, let’s get real kinda message.

But then again… he’s never really cried on my shoulder and to be brutally uncensored, I don't want to be comparable, I'd rather find a new lover. So, what was I actually doing??? Anyway.

It feels good to see I've got the power to rise above my past and make something of a real value out of it in the future.

Sunday, October 15, 2017

We should never stop asking for miracles

It’s easy to get caught up in brooding over the only ideas and options we consider possible. 
What we think we know is not given. 
It brings a lot of stress devising plans based solemnly on what we know, the only resources we have available, the only people that wish to support us, and handling of issues that raise up. But what if we cannot envision all the good that could possibly happen? What if the things that we don’t know could come to life and make all the difference?

If we set aside everything we know about a situation, we find ourselves in an empty space that could feel intimidating. But it doesn’t need to make us anxious. If we admit that we don’t know anything - we cannot predict the unpredictable, and we still have a lot to learn about how best to live and share our lives, a sense of peace may be a surprising side effect.

I know that from this vast empty space, we are ready to accept miracles from the Divinity around us.
I keep noticing that if I calm down and stop reacting to what I think life’s been throwing at me, opportunities that I couldn’t have even imagined in my wildest dreams start popping up seemingly out of nowhere. Opportunities - miracles - that help us grow, help us see things from a happier perspective, are waiting everywhere.

A great idea that an abundance coach once taught me was to keep asking: Just how much of anything can I receive today?

There are no limits to the abundance of love, resources, good luck, health/vitality, or success.

Abundance-blocking is down to our sense of separation, seeing the world as a dangerous place, and subconscious 'looking forward' to how our plans blow up [again]. 
I see that “Be careful what you wish for” can equal to Be careful what you say you think is the ultimate truth about you, the world and what is coming for you. Because it will.

Regarding negative self-fulfilling prophecies - they don’t come as easily, thank God. Positive wishes, on the other hand, have 100% fulfillment rate if we believe in them and we give God/the Universe a free hand to deliver it in the best way possible. These manifestations, however, may have interesting detours too

What happens is one thing, and what will come out of it is another.

What miracles, near-miracles, are you grateful for?
A challenge: list three amazing things that happened in your life and re-live the exact feelings you had at the time they were happening.

For example: Seven years ago, I had been working my ass off, then I travelled, but I came back more lost and worn down than ever, not wanting to come back to the same job (I believe that's common!). I prayed for 'a real time off', some type of sanctuary where I would just rest and contemplate the next steps....
An acquaintance of mine, a photographer, called to invite me and my bestie, Ela to Switzerland... I didn't want to see him, but he sounded so busy, that I thought I could get a decent amount of time for myself while there anyway. My friend and I stayed at a luxurious mansion with servants, and, miraculously, my acquaintance was nowhere to be found...

Some time ago I was in debt, and could not see how I would get out of it and pay three more terms of my studies. Came closer to a Christmas time, when a massive opportunity opened the door to not only enough money to pay off my debts, but also to new networking opportunities which would bring some extra finance across two more years. That was just shocking. Before the event, I prayed and prayed, then I gave up and trusted that the Universe would somehow keep me on top of things. That opportunity came along (I acted on it) and it was way beyond my wildest dreams.

My ex. He was not what I had ultimately wished for in love, but he was exactly what I wanted based on what I was willing to believe about myself, men and the world at that time. He was an Aussie guy who swept me off of my feet, without my realizing it was happening. What he gave me - physically, emotionally and spiritually, still seems like a miracle.
Even though I can imagine fairy-tale-like endings, I would never go back. Because, I simply wouldn’t be happy - that is what it is, and what it was.

Of course, I could cite many more every-day-like miracles:

Not having valid tickets, explaining myself to the officers and getting away with it.
Or: One morning, when I was hungover in Argentina and about to sit down to a minivan to share a several-hours-long ride to a remote area, I realized I had no water on me. I had no idea when the next stop would be and my head was throbbing. I could had easily been mad at myself, but I remembered what a great time I had the night before, so I didn’t entertain any regrets. Then I looked down under my seat and I discovered an open, but 95% not drunk, water bottle…. It was a miracle!

And blah blah blah… I could brag forever :) - which is excellent!
An appreciation of the blessings we experienced in our lives brings more of them.

What new miracles do you need?

--> I need more security at work and sustainable, longterm relationships.
May it come in any way that would feel good!
Thank you, Universe!

P.S: I am so grateful for the time spent with my new Darwin family. I love hanging out with them, and I love the time on my own too!

Wednesday, October 4, 2017

The Ways We Make Decisions #sex

I believe in the power of conscious decisions. You want to have, be, or feel a certain way and you make it true by setting an intention.
The ways we are able to decide upon our behavior at any given moment are endless, and endlessly fascinating. 
My life has been about exploring my expressions in friendships, parental relationship, sexuality, romantic relationships and career choices. Obviously, these expressions have kept changing.

Yesterday I agreed to have a dinner up the tree house. I moved out of the commune, but I stop by to say hello nearly every day.
Feeling so free and myself, whenever I am around my new Darwin family, makes me reevaluate the self-imposed limited image of who I thought I was. 
I came to distinguish between 'living alone and thinking that's me - introverted but alive' and 'putting myself out there, sharing, caring, and accepting love from people who want to be more than strangers'. 
It is no longer uncomfortable. I know what setting I prefer now and what makes me come truly alive!

Likewise, it amazes me that rather than jealousy or envy, I feel gratitude for someone else sharing the same work, beliefs, and love for the same thing with the world, instead of my doing it. 
I am happy that EJ Love (the Love Priestess) will speak at the Awakened Woman Convergence 2017 in Arizona about healing sexual trauma, loving men again, and awakening one's sexuality. Many people will benefit. I love spreading the word myself, but I don't have to do all this work alone. Apparently, not in the same way as this Tantra practitioner. I support all awakened women in sharing what we believe with the rest of the world. I decided to be grateful for being part of this revolution and rejoice in the celebrations!

Other ways to effect the kind of behavior that is in alignment with our goals
I am not the one to object against hooking up for the sake of hooking up. However, it is all about HEALTHY expressions of sexuality.
This was not it: Today I was observing a substance-abusing woman with high heels and tight-fitting clothes on. She could have been anyone, but I doubt she valued herself. I doubt that any man who comes to her for "consolation" ever cares about who she really is. At the same time, I also doubt that the men who are desperate enough to come to any woman for that ONE thing, value themselves. 
People would do a lot to feel alive again and rediscover life's sweetness they think they lost. 
Cheating is another unhealthy call for something more exhilarating. It is an easy way out, so we don't have to look within and DO something uneasy about the current relationship. We could turn it into awesome, or we would have to change - thus stop hurting ourselves and others.

There are other ways in which we may come alive:
Nature, hugging trees, helping disadvantaged people, dancing... and yes, healthy, spontaneous, loving sex.

We can sleep with anyone (you know what I mean), but not everyone will give us the alignment of body-mind-spirit that we deep down truly crave. 
Being an attractive 30-year-old woman, I sometimes have to ward off men with a shovel.
Haha. But true.
So how do I decide upon whom to sleep with?
Is that by his looks? The brain? The bank account?
Well, no. I tried all of those and nothing really worked.
These days I allow "FEELINGIZATION" to step in and help. Visualisation is outdated, Arielle Ford coined the term "feelingization": Don't just watch the story in your head, feel the sensations you want to experience first!

At the moment, 'just sex' seems like the only realistic option out there for me given the time and place - hey, I am a foreigner on a bridging visa in a town full of backpackers! 
A relationship, anyone?
Regardless, I like to make sure that if I get physical, it is worth it. Therefore, these days I make decisions based on my body-mind-spirit connection and its workability. It needs to feel "right" in my gut.
I visualize, feel pleased, imagine the good fuck... and... and it finds me.

Sorry, there's no other punchline, that was it.

Friday, September 29, 2017

Hello, veggie!

Today I decided to take my laptop for a walk and work from a different setting.

I’m sitting in a vegetarian cafe with a super grumpy service… one cup of chai tea with soy milk, am I asking for too much?

Who would have thought that this supposed to be 'loving-kindness' trend of a lifestyle can end up turning people into miserable, grumpy, and in extreme cases - aggressive humans? Aren’t we vegetarians/vegans supposed to live up to the label of gentle, animal-loving, earth-honoring individuals? 
Generalizations don't always work; however, given some research and observation, there is always a seed of truth. 

I know way too many obnoxious vegans (not you, Hedwica), who are steadily driving me crazy with their radical aggressivity, in and outside of the kitchen. This appears to me as no longer about healthy eating habits, but ostensively about loudly opposing optimistic carnivores and their freedom of choice. Just live and let live, people! 
Nevertheless, I am detouring from my assumption that the ‘vegan’ barista just doesn't have his day today, and no matter the fact that I belong to his ‘cool kids club', he clearly doesn't like me :(

Maybe he’s homosexual?

I’m just joking.

But hey, observing him parading around… 
Never mind! 

Not everyone needs to like me. I prefer to attract like-minded people who are vibrating the same high frequency. It makes dealing with all the tribe members easier. Furthermore, I can stay myself.
Please God, don’t let me ever end up looking this bitter...
I’d rather have a piece of cheese every now and then or a plate of Barra once a month, than starting to act as an aggressive veggie.

Monday, September 25, 2017

Tropical commune as a gateway to deeper self-inquiry

This morning felt like a treat. I arrived at my English class nearly half hour earlier to find it still deserted. I sat down with my freshly roasted coffee (an occasional treat in itself) and inhaled in the peace and quiet. I nearly forgot what it felt like not to be talked to, let alone finding myself alone in a room!
My commune living is one of a kind. It seems like a hostel, but it's a couple of level upscale. Including me, there are currently four women living upstairs (normally six), two people living downstairs (normally four), and seven more people sleeping in nearby cottages or caravans, yet using the same kitchen and bathroom facilities. Yesterday I was told that a new couple was coming to stay upstairs and a new girl downstairs.
It's time to move.

While jumping up and down on my carseat over each bump on the red dirt road leading north of Litchfield National Park, and listening to some old-school rock tracks in the company of two lads and my roomie, I felt so much appreciation for my decision to move into the 'Tropical Paradise' community. 
I found new friends.
But at the same time I challenged myself, which led to growth. Old childhood trauma surfaced - feeling as a black sheep of the family, thinking I probably wasn't being accepted, and having my sleep disturbed by some noisy housemates. 

One evening, on my way home from the bus stop, I caught myself brooding over the aversion to coming back to the ever-eventful house and a female housemate in her fifties who just wouldn't shut up. Karen's only entertainment was the house with all its young 'backpackers'. 
I realised that an underlying fear of not being a good fit for that open-minded, open-hearted family was the cause of my funny mood. I had no need to socialize every day and I didn't want to force myself. But what if that could have been accepted? What if my new family knew about my introvercy and accepted it regardless? 
What if I was enough?
That night I told Karen to please give me some privacy. I told her I liked sharing, but I also needed some alone time to just recharge. She got it, and she left me at peace. A couple of days later she said she really appreacited my straightforwardness. Then we got talking and we both admitted to having been running all our lives, feeling trapped or not accepted for who we were.
My confession, therefore, had the opposite effect - she started liking me more, and motherly checking up on me more frequently...

Anyway, all the youngsters mingling in and around the house are such a cool bunch of people!
Yesterday Larisa and her mates organized a trip to Litchfield and generously invited me along. On the road trip I met all of her British friends from a previous hostel and to my surprise, no special skill was needed to fit in - except for jumping off cliffs and singing along rock songs.
Swimming with this bunch of beautiful souls felt like the highlight of my Australian adventure. Before meeting those Brits, I was unconsciously entertaining classic bitter single woman's thoughts: "Men are closed-off, feelingless, uncaring assholes just after sex and binge-drinking." Ok, I'm sorry for this dogma tripping, it happens to the best of us.

Perhaps it's only Karen's constant surveillance that bothers me about the commune living, nothing else. I shall ask myself - why does it do my head in so much? Maybe it's because I think "I'm 30 for fuck sake, I can cook my own dinner."
When will I unblock the stuck energy from the time when my mother pestered me around? That discomfort remains, yet no immediate threat lurks around. 
So, when will the stubborn child in me dare to grow up?!

Sending my love from Darwin

Sunday, September 17, 2017

Tropical paradise - a new home?

As I'm writing this in the beautiful Charles Darwin Botanic Gardens, I feel orgasmic and pumped by life. I guess that nature does it to (for) me!

I am considering taking up an offer to live in a community. A very cool guy introduced me to this lady living in the bushes in a 'Bali-style' house surrounded by magnificent tropical gardens.

I've noticed about seven people mingling in and around the tree house with a small ground cottage next door.

The number of bathrooms is limited, of course, so is just one kitchen there. But I also noticed an inviting pool, and a damn good vibe... The paradisal settings remind me of "The Beach" with Leonardo DiCaprio; however, I'm hoping it won't turn out as disturbing as in the movie!

I feel scared and aroused at the same time. Cohabiting is just so not me - or rather - it is so outside of my comfort zone.
I am a hermit, I am a private, isolating, poetic, and introverted individual!
People scare me sometimes, and now I should live with them? Let alone share with these strangers?

It sounds outrageous in my mind. Yet, when I consider my other option - the initial decision to start renting a cheap studio right in the middle of the CBD - the dryness of it wrinkles my brow. Suddenly, the tropical community appears much more interesting! The idea of being a part of the 'family' seems quite alluring to me. I guess humans were wired like that!

Still, it's breaking me apart. Why am I doing this to myself?

Perhaps because it's time to reach beyond the ordinary. To get out of my hermit routine..
I'd have my own small bedroom after all, a private little sanctuary if I wanted to keep the door shut.
The room is part of a 3-bed wooden cottage and has the very basics - a bed.

What more should I wish for, really?

There are showers too there somewhere, within a walking distance, I hope 😳
I will have everything I need, really...

Oh, let's just stop the lame reassuring!

I am scared, but this feeling shouldn't get in a way of my doing the things I am curious about.
If I try this communal living, even if
 for only a couple of weeks, my 'ideal' studio apartment disappears from the market.
But perhaps I won't care.
Perhaps I'll be living the Australian dream 🤔

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

Kundalini Raising

I adore men (they are such helpful sweethearts - why haven't I always seen that before?)

Ok, I've been very busy since my last post. I flew back to Brisbane on Friday for possibly the most spiritually fulfilling, life enhancing weekend of my life. I'm back in Darwin now and I'm looking for a place to stay.
Ummm... not fun being homeless.

Anyway, I'm still feeling supercharged.
Something shifted.
Many things shifted!
I am in union with my Shakti Goddess and Shiva God.
I made love to Gods on the dance floor.

No actual intercourse happened to cause this ecstatic feeling.
My mind and my whole being felt orgasmic.
I must have had my very first 'public orgasm' while dancing and just breathing. However, everyone was too busy orgasming themselves to notice! lol
I stood there, with everyone else, listening to Patricia's guidance, gently moving to the high-frequency music, breathing, attuning to the collective consciousness of bliss... and I wasn't there.

I felt the tingling, I felt the serpent coiling up from my sex center through my belly, creating fireworks around my heart, exploding sideways into my fingers and then shooting upwards via my head into my crown chakra. 
My kundalini energy was set on fire!

My body was present -  moving and shaking - yet my spirit was flying high, in another realm, making love and feeling blissed....
The best experience of my life? Possibly.
Totally satisfied? Yes.

The genital orgasm as we know it is not enough.

Human beings yearn to climax to release tension, but we can do much more - we can contain the pleasure, feel connected, understood, loved, safe and of course - feel free.
My Tantra experience is complete.
I am no longer a hypocritical teacher without a profoundly authentic experience.
Now I am called to become a Kundalini Dance Facilitator. That is it.
I am starting small. Because small is good.
In the eyes of God, I am small.
I am going to hold a safe space for people to explore what lies beyond their self-imposed limitations.
There will be simply a damn good music and my fine guidance. My guidance is based on Tantric wisdom that has personally helped me heal my own trauma stored in the body and subconsciousness, and the trauma of some of my past clients.
Let's just drop it.
Tantra Dance Darwin - coming soon.

Monday, September 4, 2017

Claim your life back

This video is so empowering, please watch.
It reminds me of the time a client asked me how I got rid of my panic attacks.

My first answer was: I just made a decision - a decision to never have them again.

Panic attacks are tricky, they get you when you least expect it - I still get very mild symptoms occasionally. However, these symptoms are just mere "muscle memory" and they do not interfere with my life or self-esteem anymore. It takes only a couple of minutes to breathe the panic in and out of my system. 

Five years ago I decided to be in control of my body's response to perceived threats. Unfortunately, emotional stresses can impact our bodies in undesirable ways!

I decided that:

I didn't want to keep leaving the classroom all dizzy.

I didn't want to feel the ground opening beneath my feet on a public transport.

I didn't want to eat something I perceived as 'naughty' and then get all sweaty, my heart pumping fast, and feeling afraid of death. (Eating disorders have many faces!)

I was no longer willing to tolerate spoiled nights out with friends, having them nearly undressing me in one instance, while I was unable to catch a breath (Not because they wanted to see me out of the skimpy little black dress!:)

Lastly, I said no to waking up in the middle of the night in sheer terror, gasping for a breath and fumbling in the dark for the window handle.

Those were my dirty little secrets....

When this client opened up to me, in fact, he had the attack 'live' while we had a session together, I remembered how scary and disempowering that condition used to be.

I hope I was able to give him some courage to face these attacks as not his enemy, but his messengers. The body remembers trauma like nothing else.

The only way out is through - accept. Maybe cry. Then forgive. And know that you are ONE decision away from claiming your life back.


5-4-3-2-1 I'm making a decision to live in JOY now!

Friday, September 1, 2017

The Treasures of Facebook

If you dig, you find. If you dig deep, you find more.

A couple of weeks ago, a new client surprised me by knowing a way more about me than I would have expected from a newcomer. He tracked me all the way to this blog - through my Tantra massage ad. I do not advertise this blog anywhere, but it's possible to find it through a link within a link on a private Facebook page, or on However, my Tantra ad is not connected to neither of those websites. It could have been a past workshop that I did which he came across or the sole fact that he works in IT. Either way, I was fascinated!

Today, I was contacted by someone I haven’t seen in good 5-6 years - through Facebook, of course. 

I am guessing that it was a 'friend list' of a mutual friend, or perhaps through one of my comments left under a friend of a friend’s photo or something. What’s the wickedest thing about it is that in the shitty little space of Facebook messenger, we were able to exchange real deep thoughts - pretty fast - that wouldn’t have been otherwise possible, hadn’t he read that blog first. When someone has a head start on your life journey and knows the secrets you share with your anonymous readers, but not with your acquaintances, it makes the 'small talk' super-engaging right from the start. There’s no “What have you been doing all those years!?”, instead there is - I have always felt that you were ‘on your guard’ and becoming something that I couldn’t quite grasp… 
And here we go, he was right.

However, was that so bad to jump head on into the unspoken taboos of the sexual underworld and keeping quiet about it?
Not in my case.
It’s the growth from those life lessons that counts. 

In a while a flood of his secrets started spilling out from the messenger app, which I truly enjoyed!

I won’t say much anymore, rather I describe how it feels to know that 'baring it all' has finally begun in its fullest. I feel liberated. I feel confident, I feel loved, I feel alive and I feel understood.

There is no-one who has to condone my life choices, there is no one to seek forgiveness from, there is no one who could be a better judge of my life journey than myself and God. And I am led by him, let me tell you.

It looks like we all should be glad for social platforms like Facebook.
The only way out is through - there's no hiding in this world.
There are people that I have never met, yet we share 20 mutual friends…. I love that. Just between us, I probably won’t accept their ‘friend request’ until I actually get to meet them, regardless, I am so fascinated by the fact that WE ARE ALL CONNECTED.
And what I do onto you, you do onto others.

Although my current work as a therapist is not my sole purpose on this Earth, I do a lotta good with it!
I love when I relate to people and when my insight and expertise visibly and profoundly help to start the healing process. So many of my clients benefited from my consultation - the talk which didn't even come from me, per se, however - what needed to be said was said through me.
The Spirit talked.

Good night

Sunday, August 27, 2017

The body knows again

Boy, this flu has been rather depressing. There are many factors that have contributed to my condition, sure, but I was hoping to be resting just for a couple of days. It's been a full week… 
The worst is the total lack of energy.
I love movement, lots of exercise and sweat. Not a cold sweat, hallucinating and when every step feels like a hard mile… Ok, a bit exaggerating here.
Still, wasn't a lotta fun!

I feel like a beer but perhaps…oh well, we’ll see, I might have it.

Yesterday’s water fast started with water but finished with a soup, nuts, and chocolate a few hours later.
So much for my strong will..
I planned to starve the flu/cold bug that had literally knocked me down earlier this week, but it seems that my body needs heaps of nutrients to be able to pack and organize everything for vacating the apartment and getting me back to Darwin soon.

I’ve done water fasts before, even while having a cold (they proved really efficient), but I was never this stressed.

I believe that this illness is a symptom of being worn out after my travels, worrying about the move and the unknown waiting for me in the Northern Territory, and all the rather hidden excitement that this change of scenery brings with it. An interesting mix.

Some people feel guilty when they rest and do nothing. I guess it could be me too - we get sick, so there’s no other option but take it easy and rest a lot.

It seems like I shifted back into my masculine doer after a period of honoring the feminine feeler and receiver. Well, it wasn’t long enough!

I hope I’ll be back on track with my exercise routine soon. I feel a little chubby (probably am). Plus, this energy-less and lazy Pavlina doesn’t suit me.

Ahhh… Wild Dancing, Dynamic Yoga, Tough Pilates, how much I miss you!

Sunday, August 20, 2017

Who am I? Living one's truth. Part II.

I arrived in my rented apartment in Brisbane, eyes in awe how clean it was. Another slight shock came when I unlocked few cupboards and my closet.... I own all that??!

I've lived off of my suitcase for the past 3 weeks, and it was awesome! Sometimes I didn't even unpack it all, doing just fine with one T-shirt, leggings and some cosmetics.

I remember people telling me in the past in a motherly/fatherly tone: "You can't be a nomad all your life, Pavlina...."
Well, perhaps not all the life to come, but so far so good! I've always felt the safest on the run, and maybe it's time to acknowledge it as something rather positive. I am one with variety and I need to change a scenery often. The gypsy blood in me just feels like 'home' everywhere on the Mother Earth!

I'm mildly scared by all the stuff I own. Luckily, it's probably nowhere near to what most people own - at least those who own their own apartment/house. Well, it's never been my case!
It will be fun selling all the [already cheap] furniture, and giving away piles of clothes, shoes, and books...
Yeah of course... it will be. fun. I think.

I feel quite detached from my apartment now. Especially after letting it to several Airbnb people who left their energy behind. The place was mine, but it's not mine.

I have a new calling, you could say... It's a plan (omg, I have a plan?! Possibly for the first time in my life.) 
There will be a lot of dancing in the beginning, but it's going to evolve into something much bigger.
I'm not sure how the following quote relates to what I just mentioned. Regardless, it's a reflection of my new expansiveness that's bursting to get out into the Universe and impact and empower more people... young people.

You see, I was all that I described in the part I. post. Perhaps I haven't been yet what I did not describe, but at the same time, it has always been there - within me. 
So how does one answer "Who am I?", when there are so many identities we adopt, even if for a while, then ditch for a while or forever, and some we only entertain in the privacy of our minds. Those public ones tend to lead to better/improved/new identities which couldn't have been initially picked up without some kind of prior knowledge, or trial and error. Whereas the imaginary identities lead to.... Crazy ??!

In Margot Anand's (a world-known Tantric guru) outrageously honest and mind-blowing book: Love, Sex, and Awakening, she cites a Vietnamese Buddhist Monk, Thich Nhat Hanh.
According to Margot, Thich Nhat Hanh
"advocates doing everything we can to protect and heal those who have been molested and also those who are the molesters - because they are sick and, if not helped, will perpetrate similar crimes on the next generation."¹

I loved, loved, loved the book! I have certainly something in common with her. 
However, doing Tantrika's work in NOT my calling, and although I need to accept that sex-curious part of my personality, it has been but a small event in my life. During those 18months, I concentrated my focus mainly on men as the ones in need of healing, the ones having been misunderstood, the ones to adore - not to scorn at or condemn for acting as unconscious sexual pigs.
I believe that doing Tantra and working with men from a slight distance, rather than having them in my vagina, definitely helped me to heal myself in return. I was in need of curing all the preconceived ideas about men and sex, men and their masculine/feminine, or men and their "respect-disrespect" towards women.
I restored my broken faith in men and what it should mean to be one. Not that I'll ever absolutely know!
I wish that every woman gets a little bit of this neo-tantric education so she can understand men better - and as a byproduct, herself.

My new calling is... so obvious, it's here.
I need to take a bold action. And I have tons of excuses. But I will. I just need to discuss it first with a few old dogs.
Meanwhile, I will continue doing Tantra for love. (Not at all because someone needs to pay the bills)

Let's follow our passions! 
Passions are always there, within. We don't need to look for them.
No one ever told me that.
We have integrity when we pursue a path that feels right, as if we were born to do so. People can feel if the heart is in it or not!

¹Anand, Margot. “Tantra: The Shadow and The Light.” Love, Sex, and Awakening: an Erotic Journey from Tantra to Spiritual Ecstasy, Llewellyn Publications, a Division of Llewellyn Worldwide, Ltd., 2017, pp. 285

Saturday, August 19, 2017

Who am I? Living one's truth. Part I. (Possibly the most important post here)

Inspired by last night's yoga, ecstatic dance, a couple of quotes, and an information that my client shared with me, I'm still feeling excited and I need to write!
At the moment I have only a small audience. There are many who read my blog, but don't report back, or treat following my posts as very anonymous and private - I'm fine with that.
But I'm going to make myself more visible! I will keep sharing, and I'll start spreading my message publicly. Website revamp is on.
The first person to know what I'm up to will be my mum...[unfortunately]. That's the sign I've been getting in my other dreams, not the nightmares about Him (That's his name, that's why the capital H.)

The inspiration:
First quote: "Is this really how I wanna live?" 
I wish I could remember who said that! Was that in a video from Oprah, or a stint from Marie Forleo? Anthony Robbins? Ester Hicks? I've seen it or heard it somewhere this week and it got me thinking!
The second quote comes later...

At the studio that I only visited for a gig of Elijah Ray before, a beautiful yoga teacher Emma B started yesterday's Vinyasa flow by setting an intention to recognize that which feels like coming home again...
She gave a few examples - doing yoga after a long absence, finally eating after starving all day, meeting a best friend after many years, finally painting, cooking.... etc.
The first thing that occurred to me was DANCING, then sex - yes, it always feels like coming home (more on that later) but definitely, it is DANCING.

When I asked the Spirit last Sunday: "Where would I feel happier? Sitting in a cinema and watching Wonderwoman (for which I already paid), or taking a long walk to sunset markets and finding something to eat there?"
It sounds so obvious now! It made me laugh when the answer came - but, not so fast - prior to my asking it out loud it was a mess, all mixing and mingling in my head. I had feelings of guilt for wasting money (the cinema ticket), for not wanting to relax as I said I would, and then other feelings surfaced - do I really wanna walk somewhere that far just to get some food, eat it ALONE and then walk back???

However, when I composed a simple question, detached of all [untrue] feelings..... the answer felt like a gush of fresh air with many positive emotions attached! The Spirit knew!

Needless to say, I had the time of my life. It wasn't just about the delicious Sri-Lankan food at all. It was the Tribal gig, then another solo gig, the sweaty spontaneous dancing, the lovely people around, the great vibes, and the walk there and back offered great sights of Darwin too.

Dancing, even if unplanned, is like coming home... that is my passion. It never feels lonely, the joy is contagious, and as a result, everything else feels familiar.

As per sex, I have a confession: I have been a hypocrite.

I don't enjoy being other people's doorway to a better orgasm! 
In fact, I couldn't care less about other people's sex lives!! What interests me is my own pleasure.
Before leaving Darwin, I had a bit of fun - just after writing that short post where I admitted to being busy fantasizing about sex with J. Well, he won't be too happy, if he reads this one.
I let the first date with a new man go a little bit (ok, a lot) outside of the lines...
But it felt like coming home :) and even better felt that I just took what he was offering, and when I was done (for the third time), I got up and literally left him there.... standing...
Well, in this modern world a girl's gotta do what she's gotta do. She has no time to work hard for a man's ultimate release.
(I didn't beg him to "do me" after all, I was ready to keep it friendly!)
So now you know - doing me is fun, but not necessarily a "finish" for you.
It could be different if we actually made love, but there was no way that I'd go all the way with this new man (so soon).

Who am I? 
A past exotic dancer is a very mean description, Tantric practitioner sounds overrated and I actually disliked the label ever since the start (I like touching people, but as I said, I don't care about people's sex lives, unless it's Margot Anand's and depicted in her book!), a slut doesn't sound quite right (I freely slept with just a handful of guys in the last 5 years), and offering couple's counseling is highly unlikely to fulfill me - as I don't see myself wanting to honor my passions in this way!

I just love having sex - like most people do (or everyone).

Do I feel empowered when I help other people open up their eyes to a healthy sexuality?
Does it feel beautiful seeing others feel better about themselves when I listen to them, offer unconditional love and understanding, or inspire them?

Oh Yes.

So, the question remains:
Where do I have the most Integrity???

Follow my journey as I answer myself in part II. 

Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Nightmares despite living the dream

Because He was supposed to be the one. 
That's why it hurt so bad, that's why I was angry. 
I had some preconceived notions of what true love should look like, and it felt awful when those crumbled. 
He made me feel like a princess, so I expected Him to be my prince.
Instead, I felt betrayed by life, God, and the Universe...  
I came to understand that it's safer to run from any idealized versions of reality.

I've had a few nightmares in this past year and a half. Nearly all of them - except one, featured my ex as the main protagonist. 

The initial bad dreams began after I got back home to Czech broken-hearted. The nightmares appeared again back in Australia: at a shared accommodation and my next two solo rented places. One depicted on this blog described him pushing my chest so hard that it felt as if my heart was cracking all over again, making the wound fatal.

Isn't it strange that he still finds a way into my dream? I wake up in sheer terror with my heart beating fast.

Last night I woke up three times. He featured in the latter two nightmares, where my mind produced fucked up scenarios of him doing weird stuff... (coming into my room unannounced, looking like a Joker with a whiskey in his hand and murderous twinkle in his blue eye; or 
drinking lots of tap water and chanting: I can't stop, I can't stop...)

My unconscious sends me these images and rehashes any negativity I used to associate with him... is it a warning of sorts?
I don't feel that way at all in my waking life! In fact, I don't feel much at all - in context with him.

My head is busy appreciating Darwin's wilderness, stressing about extending my Australian visa, fantasizing about sex with J, arranging Tantra appointments, wanting to write a book, or thinking about how to stop snacking on sweets... No sign of Him whatsoever.

Maybe I shouldn't have sent him the live video of me having fun at the Mindil Beach sunset markets??? It was.. well, a bit in vain. I'm looking my best and free self there!

Let me tell you, the mind is a mischief.

I feel the most authentic, nomadic, connecting, empowering, happy and free ME these days, and I'd like to bottle up this feeling and proudly carry it with me from day to day.

It feels safer than ever to travel, live like a nomad, and connecting to others through my work

Saturday, August 12, 2017

Darwin, NT

Winter in Darwin is like no other winter out there!
I'm falling in love with this city.
Anyway, time to go to bed so I can jump into the pool early in the morning. I wouldn't risk it later in the day (it's hot, hot, hot), neither I'd risk trading the pool for the ocean up here, or the river so to speak. Ah, what a shame they've got crocs and sharks everywhere!
But it's the more exciting this way... my dad would love it over here too! I Will have to figure out how to let him know that I'm planning to exchange the safety of a city for an adventurous life near the outback.

I had some interesting discussions with myself and experienced a couple of breakthroughs while walking through Darwin's inspiring nature. I'm going to find some time to write them out soon.