My year without sex

My year without sex is going too well. There’s just no one around to even consider. The deed has become sacred.

What that means is that I cannot imagine losing my virginity to a married man, emotionally unavailable man, superficial, materialistic man, aloof backpacker, a guy who treats sex and sexuality as a way to relieve himself - of stress, low self-esteem, bad mood or keeps a score.
So…no, nothing.

I self-pleasure only about 2-3 x per week and it is something else… I have never been able to take myself to such ecstatic heights before with such a minimal touch. It will be hard to find a partner who can lead me there. However, I am patient. I am also willing to teach him (for free) how to experience sexuality in the Tantric way. 

I might have found a potential suspect already, or in fact, he has found me - 3 years ago in Europe. I have no illusions at the moment. At times, he seems to be after that one thing only, and I find the virtual directness a bit too eager for me and thus, off-putting. 

I just want to be loved by someone who'll enjoy getting to know my heart and my mind first.

Who'll want me for my soul.

My complex emotions.

My authenticity.
I might as well keep waiting for longer.
So be it.

This guy doesn’t know about my spiritual choice. Which brings me to a sad realization that most of my past admirers were into me only for my sexuality. While that as an addition to my privately shy personality can’t be a bad thing, it puts me in a vulnerable position. I have a constant dilemma about it. 

I do Tantric workshops for sex workers, and I love it. Sometimes I wish I would be able to do what they do - their work, but I can’t !!
I feel quite confused about it sometimes!
I like that sexual vibe about me (which is apparently seen in my eyes, so I was told), however, I am sick and tired of being viewed as a sexual object.
I feel that I am unable to have superficial, purely genital sex [anymore].
And I am afraid of my chakras getting blocked if I sleep with unconscious men again.
I am not sure where the journey goes from here…


I am in Brisbane. I left Darwin officially last night. I’ll wait here till I have more information about my new adventure in Adelaide.

I nearly saw J. yesterday… I know I stopped talking about him one year ago, and I am not intending to start. He could have been the most memorable Aussie I sleep with, but today I only marvel at the fact that God has creatively directed me to miss my original flight yesterday, therefore, it spoiled my chances to hang out with J. (I was put on the next flight the day after free of charge - only in Darwin!)

As off today, J. is busy. Have I missed out on the temptation to break my promise of celibacy? Perhaps. However, I wouldn’t break it. I haven’t been truly “tempted” since the end of last year and it is all getting easier and easier.

We could have had nice yoga, pilates, and dinner, but I wouldn’t have let anything else happen. After all, he is one of those men from the aforementioned categories.

Until next time…! x

Before I take the leap

I decided to simplify my life.

I am starting an employment as a Beauty Adviser in Adelaide and hopefully as a volunteer in a local organization (one of my applications must work out!) From then on, I will perform only simple healing massages on the side, and I'll put sex coaching and study of counseling on hold. I have provided enough of personalized feel-good services in my life and I feel like I could use one now.

I came back to Darwin yesterday to attend a couple more Community Services classes.
I can’t stand Darwin anymore.
It’s the worst place I’ve ever lived in.
I wish that 10 months ago I could have just said “Yeah, a beautiful place... to visit. Let’s not live here, please.”

But I didn’t.

However, realizing during my third or fourth trip to Adelaide, that that was the place I could most relate to, wouldn’t have happened had I started with this city right away 2 years prior. 2 years ago I was still healing, I was walking around blind...
Mindlessly moving further and further up north, despite Australians themselves warning me that the northern you go, the rougher the people get, well, I hit the wall.

I now appreciate the soft, gentle Adelaide with its low-key chic lifestyle, European climate and great wine for what it is. A place I feel at home. And I loooove the local shiraz(es)!!!!

I was enjoying the crisp fresh air and wearing warm clothes (and normal boots) this time around.

For those who know me - sure, I might always go there where I see the grass greener. Perhaps I do tend to get bored more easily than the average man and yes, I might still be searching for a place where I belong 'better'. At the age of nearly 31, I still feel like I have no roots.

But hey, if travelling makes me happy...

I met a beautiful soul last week, too. In fact, I met several since January. However, this guy was something quite special.
Spoiler alert, we are not starting together as boyfriend and girlfriend - unfortunately, or fortunately, but in less than a week I grew to like him and I learned a lot - about myself - from him!

M. is younger but wise beyond his years. His eyes are hazel/yellow in a dim artificial light, green under the sun, brown in dawn and blue in a blazing bathroom light. I’ve never seen anything like that before!

We had an intensely intimate moment one evening, without sex, but the intimacy scared me to the point that - without any further inquiry - the next day I reasoned it was best to send M. a goodbye message and let that be..
I wasn’t ready to deal with his possibly emotional response so I blocked his number right away... In reality, I wasn’t ready to deal with my own emerging feelings.

Honestly, who am I and when will I learn?

I unblocked him on my last day in Adelaide and sent him a text asking for a friendship only. I admitted that I had missed him and hoped he could forgive me for what I do - push people away in order to refocus on my mission.

M. is something special though, that’s what I had gotten a glimpse of before letting him get close to me, and what I've learned for sure during our hour long phone call on my last night.
He could see right through me.

I appreaciate this new friendship very much.
M. won’t be in Adelaide when I return, but who cares.... true love lives in the heart.
I'm glad that I am alive and not frigid after 7 months of celibacy.
Yes, I can keep going.

I am not looking for a male company so I can have someone to jump into bed with.
I might be keen to date again. Just as I am sooooooooo keen to move out of Darwin - I can't wait!

Every now and then that feeling of readiness is laced with a little of self-doubt or feeling like I will never find my next soulmate and if, it wouldn't work out for us. Deep down I somewhat know that it can happen. At the same time, I am looking for plan Bs for when it won't happen.
Nuts.

I began to look at dating more seriously, yet not forgetting that I should have fun and take it slowly.
I had two Tinder dates, remembering very well what I used to say to my friends: To shoot me if they'd ever see me on Tinder. 
Well, I deleted my profile on day 3. My first date was trying to fix my life before he even knew anything about it, and he was using wordings like: "If you end up with me..."

On day 7, I restored my account and gave a chance to someone I had chatted with before...
When we met, he was possibly 10 years older than his Tinder pics... but at least I got to see his puppies (as in real little dogs!). The communication wasn't as bad as with the previous man, but I learned why that guy definitely belonged to the app. Sad.
On day 8th, I deleted it for good.

At the end, meeting M. was as organic as it can get, and that's how I prefer it.

I'm waiting happily and I'm eagerly anticipating the moment when my body&mind and spirit align, knowing that we found the right soul to merge with.

For the moment, I keep opening up and observing my judgments and fears.

I am not hanged up on my ex anymore. I suppose that the cathartic moment happend one evening in Darwin 2 months ago when Rowena said that he was taking his current relationship to the next level. After I digested it, it made me relieved. I had no excuses to hold on to any past memories with him. It was time for me to create something new for myself, too.

Then he called me sometime later and talked rather badly about his relationship... I couldn't even believe it.

"Hey, you don't need to put her down if you think that sounding happy would hurt me. I am glad for you..."

Anyway, I began to realize that 2 years of mourning and isolating myself was enough.

June 18, it's been exactly 2 years since my arrival, my last Prague - Sydney flight and since my stupid messages from the airport which were meant to surprise him and make him chase me once again.

Did I honestly think he'd come rushing down from his farm to Sydney to sweep me off of my feet after 4 months of virtual arguing, trying to get over the lies and betrayals on both parts?
Yes.
I had very unrealistic ideas.

Some call it romantic, I call it silly (at best)...

Chapter closed.

xxx

Adoption, please...

I care deeply about all the children out there... Personally, having own kids now seems a little selfish to me when there are already so many of them without parents and basic resources.
I will see how I feel in 10 years, but at the moment I like the thought of adoption. If I feel motherly instincts when I’m 40 or so, there are so many options out there offering the possibility to raise little people.

A beautiful, witty and short response to this all-time pervasive question by Marie Forleo:

What's next?

Sitting in a new place in Adelaide, I feel really happy and grateful for everything that is happening in my life right now... I'm in a process of much-anticipated relocation from Darwin, a big career change, total satisfaction about my 'singleton', not using anyone to make my life amazing, only relying on myself and God. Sometimes we can't dream up our life story step by step. Thus, it is those detours that actually lead to what makes us feel the most alive and fulfilled.

I've received a call from my ex several weeks ago, and for the first time ever, I didn't run to the laptop to vent about it here on this blog. The guy whom I fell in love with 3 years ago, the reason why I started this blog so I could write about all the heartbreak we caused each other - called me to say many vain things and some more waste.
I didn't even blink. I just felt queasy afterward. (I worked through that nausea by means of some EFT and meditation.)
More importantly, after the call, I realized that I truly moved beyond forgiveness through gratitude to such an indifference that I had no idea why I even kept in the slightest touch with him.

For that reason, I want to shut down this blog.
Why keep a legacy of one chapter of my life if that should remind me of the ghost of the past that is no longer even haunting me?

It is time to think about a new theme for my new website.
Chapter x is closed. Let's write a new one.
The possibilities are endless and the unknown is exciting.

How to trash a pity party

Caught your thoughts holding a pity party? You should know that you are not the host. It is the confused mind itself that is soaring unchecked, picking up on lost dreams, yours and others', and uncomprehending the unfair rules of society. Unfortunately, you are the guest at this lousy pity party.

There is but one key that opens the door to freedom.
It is time to stop the complaining and bring more appreciation for who we are and what we have.

Feeling grateful coupled with trust (in other words - a self-induced feeling of safety) manifests miracles in one's world.

Gratitude really is the best prayer. 

It is time to act happy... like lunatics. Even if the external world momentarily shows distress or lack of this and that, there is something remarkable about living with the attitude of gratitude and changing one's energetic frequency by forming a smile.
Not only we're bound to lighten up but the outside world will catch up.

There is always something that we've done right. By focusing on our smaller or bigger wins, rather than the loses, we can start feeling proud now, and watch the party draw to an end...

xxx