Monday, March 19, 2018

Check-in or check out ? #Darwin

It’s time to check in. Literally.

I escaped to Brisbane earlier last week and was due to fly back to Darwin that Saturday. Little did I know that Darwin would enter a cyclone watch and all Saturday’s flights would get cancelled. 

Dear Virgin airlines had been warning me all Friday evening while I was partying with my girls Lauren and Hollis and not quite registering those messages. However, “your flight was rescheduled” rang a little alarm bell prompting me to open the message and call the number right away.

What? Sunday and Monday flights are sold out and the next available flight is 12 hour long through Adelaide and Alice Springs? You’re kidding me? My visa is at stakes!

I was being quite serious. I could‘t imagine missing yet another Monday and Tuesday class... what if they’d dispell me?! But not getting to school on time seemed inevitable one way or the other.

Being an old rebel or just an impulsive mad woman, I asked for a full refund and used my Virgin credit to fly to Perth instead.

So here I am in one of my most favorite cities in Australia, feeling guilty for missing my classes, when I receive a message from my friend Taylor : “BCA is closed today for power outage.”

A few hours later I get a message from BCA itself - “We will be closed until a further notice. Expecting to open on Thursday.”


Once I said to our hot teacher that I was a psychic. Now I can totally own that.

Always follow your dreams. The Universe will take care of the rest.

I am ready to go back to Darwin soon though. I started looking after two little girls and I am - shockingly - missing them too much!

Tuesday, March 6, 2018

#metoo article nearly ready

My contribution to the Byron Bay Mag is nearly finished. 
Suggested 800 words turned into 2500 words so there's gotta be some cutting! I'm glad that Mark O'Brien offered editing and a punctuation support 😅

Here's a little unedited teaser.
It starts like this:

“Have you been raped?” many people ask upon seeing my passionate reactions along with the posts I prepared in response to the #metoo phenomena.
“I’m not sure - and you’re missing the point!” could be my response instead of the usual irritated "No-o".
With so many old and new definitions of rape, yeah, I probably was.
However, this article won’t be about the possible time in my mid-twenties when I might have woken up under a stranger unconscious and wondered what had happened. That didn’t quite affect me, though other things did. Luckily, I built a resilient wall around my heart a long time prior to any questionable sex-incident.
This article will discuss the inexplicable rage I feel when faced with male and female power-battles and the dangerous hatred towards the opposite sex that runs in the blood of many women I’ve met, including me.
How can we best deal with those emotions of anger surrounding 'sexual abuse as abuse of power'? It is time to look within and strive for peace and reconciliation"

I hope it will shock and open the eyes of many men! By the way, it is in no way written from an angry female-feminist perspective to degrade the opposite sex. It is just a surprisingly honest account of one woman's journey which will hopefully benefit to any gender.
(Mark's feedback regarding my draft has confirmed my aspirations)

Watch out.

Friday, March 2, 2018

Pregnant and expecting great results #B-School

I am so overjoyed!
I am pregnant.

But not with a baby.
(Did another test this morning and clear as this Friday’s sky, I am not expecting, not pregnant with a child, the test was negative, again.)

I am pregnant with a business idea.

I took the bravest step of my adult life and signed up for Marie Forleo’s annual B-School. Expensive and scary.

Not many of you may know how much I adore this multi-talented female entrepreneur, who has been my virtual mentor for the past 5-6 years. I follow her blog, eagerly watch her videos in my inbox every Tuesday, and I dig the interviews she did with all my favorites: Tony Robbins, Simon Sinek, Tim Ferriss, Elizabeth Gilbert, Kelly Brogan or Seth Godin to mention just a few that I watched with my jaw open. There were many incredible others which I don’t remember by name.

I have so many ideas on how to communicate my message with regards to holistic living, conscious sexuality and overcoming the addiction to staying where one does not belong... but where to start?
In fact, I tend to start, then stop, then start and then I am off to a new idea... Yes, I too, need a coach.
So Marie suggests that I should do it now??

I can’t believe I had filled in the details just 15 minutes before the enrollment for 2018 closed. I am probably sparkling right now!

Sitting on the funny gym bicycle watching her past B-schoolers remembering their journeys (what a workout!), I thought: “How long will I wait before joining the passionate and successful?”
“Will I create yet another excuse in 2019 for postponing this until the year after?”
Marie said, “Join as a hot mess... we’ll unhotmess you.” (I love how she makes up words)
I was in.
But there came the money side of things...

The cost flashed at me again, year after year the same and again totally out of reach. A lifetime access - great. The payment plan didn’t seem so daunting.

Other questions followed...
“Is this program on my bucket list for ‘someday’ and is it an unconditional must-do?”
“How much would I be willing to invest in myself have I known that not only my progress was guaranteed (if not a steady success) but also the person coaching me was totally worth it?”
I’d happily invest that same monthly amount they asked.
So why wait, why not NOW?

I trust that the Universe has my back. I’ve been asking for a coach for quite some time. I used to enjoy meeting with my coach Mrs. Liskova back in Prague and it has no doubt put me on the right path... This is a combination of online, group and video coaching though, so will I follow through?

Marie is a very likable person whom I listen to and I am sure that she must have a very like-minded team.
If I’m serious, the Universe will provide and take care of the rest (the time, financing, kicking my butt into action and finding the self-discipline and confidence that I need to utilize all I’ve got.).
I firmly believe it.

Ok, I’m off to get some frozen peas for dinner. I should also forget about a trip back to Europe anytime soon, create a waiting list for everything else and put some cash into my bank account so my gym membership will go through the next week...

I’ve never been more inspired.
A little bit of fear’s creeping up but other than that I feel that I’ve already done something right this year.
(Not a baby)


Thursday, March 1, 2018

Pussy diaries

I have to talk to my womb tonight and ask her what’s going on...

I had a lunatic night on Sunday. 

Moving units the very next morning and taking a secret trip out of Darwin at 6am, I had no choice but to stay awake all night.

I am the worst mover, packer and sleeper when it comes to organization and early flights so I thought why not kill two, three birds with one stone and just do it all in 24 hours, while also procrastinating, hopping out to see a movie, joining in for a celebratory drink and an illegal late night pool swim, and then catching up with a friend at mine to talk about nothing until 1am.

The friend was Little Birdie... my first fling in Darwin and the very first little disappointment.
We got on well in the last couple of months, texting and joking here and there.
He’s doing fine getting over his ex, until he isn’t. In my experience, there is no deadline when it comes to getting over someone you loved but can’t be with.

Little Birdie admitted to a new love affair and a frustration: “I seem to be able to get only girls who are either taken or.. “ pointing his chin at me...
“Go on, be honest, what was it?
“Well, you weren’t quite into me.”
My jaw dropped.
A total misunderstanding.

I was never not into him. We just had the worst communication ever and I ended up pushing him away, that’s what I do.

Anyway, nothing happened between us. He didn’t changed much and I didn’t want him in me - even though I could.

Not sure why or how that happened but while telling a story I mentioned that I hadn’t have my period in ages, yep 60 days, and that after the test showed negative I felt a little remorse because I longed to be a mum some day. (But of course, I always use a protection)

We laughed. He said that although he loved his ex,

if she became pregnant, he would have to run. Apparently, having a kid would ruin his life. (Not too funny)
I keep observing  his life in ruins ever since I’ve known him.

Luckily, he wasn’t the last one in my bed... The last one was a coward too, so I’ve stopped dating men altogether. Little Birdie couldn’t have known about that one night stand with Thor.
I told him not to worry, “even if I was, I probably wouldn’t tell the guy....”
Not thinking ahead, I unleashed a terror in the witness of my stupid comment.

Little Birdie went back into his and straight into a psychosis.

It was insane.
I knew he suffered anxiety attacks in the past but in my defence, I thought I explained myself well.
He dropped into a total horror, throwing up, crying and begging me to tell him the truth - was I really not pregnant?? And if I were, would I please not have it?

I did not know how to react...
I tried reasoning, consoling him with all the wrong things, I even resorted to telling him about someone who else I slept with, it didn’t help.
I kept repeating I wasn’t pregnant and he kept hauling “if you were, tell me you wouldn’t have it, tell me! otherwise I’d kill myself!”

That shit was too unreal at 3am in the morning...
I guess that if I wasn’t absorbed in someone else’s tragedy, I’d have nothing else to do.
(Cleaning and packing perhaps??)

The next couple of days have passed in a weird haze.
I felt low, disgusted by his pussiness, and sure that there was an injustice committed on me. I’ve been aware that my lifestyle  couldn’t create a ‘fertile’ environment in the last few months. It is more likely that I have a polycystic ovary syndrome than anything (and I’d take that over becoming a single mum.)

I couldn’t sleep on Tuesday, remembering that Sunday night, I read his texts again and saw that he was probably not messing with me..
Maybe he wasn’t a psycho? a Joker accusing Batman that he had 4 legs and wondering how it might affect him [the Joker] when in fact, Batman was a mere snake and the Joker was just dreaming... ?

My neck hurt, and that was my sign that I must have been ‘off’ somewhere - I wasn’t seeing all sides of the issue.

I googled about caffeine and anxiety (alcohol is a sure thing) and a link led to a link and another link and there I was reading this:

I understood that I didn’t handle the situation like a pro at all! The more I talked, the more I pushed him to the edge. I used to have different panic attacks-private ones. He has shown me a madness, an inability to see things rationally when the panic stroked but I was trapped in my own world and had no compassion.

I thought I’d apologize for having messed up. Interestingly, my neck stopped to hurt immediately

Lessons taken:
Always have some compassion and understanding for those who are panicking seemingly for no real reason. Say nothing, just agree and be there for them.

To all the women out there -
Don’t be with a guy who didn’t sort his shit out, doesn’t like himself, and wouldn’t want to take responsibility if you had a baby together.

Don’t run back into the past (harder in the head but - a good news - easily mastered in reality)

Don’t sleep with idiots (seems to be working for me)

Final words, If you have a pussy and identify yourself as a heterosexual woman who wants to keep her beautiful feminine shining, don’t sleep with another pussy. Full stop.

We need a man!

Sunday, February 25, 2018

To leave or not to leave #Darwin

Opening a book at a random page, the Goddess Hera gives me a message that I should reexamine my loyalties or commitments and see if those are still warranted, found in Goddesses&Gods: Embrace the power by Stacey Demarco.

Yes, indeed, my loyalty to Darwin shall be broken.
I don't fit in here (but where do I fit in anyway?)

I also ask Helios, the God of reconnecting to natural cycles of life and burning old patterns, to please not make this move about escaping my responsibilities and growing in fear instead of love. 
My patterns might be playing out right now. Although undeniably, Darwin has proved to be quite tough for a sensitive soul like me, I am aware that I tend to give up quite easily and let stress drag me down.

I would like to attract healthy cycles. I feel ready for another commitment, it just needs to feel right down to my core. Challenge me!
Any relationship full of deep intimacy would seem super-scary in the beginning. I know that I would be running away from it, even if just inside my head, but despite this reoccurring pattern, I am willing to see what lies on the other side of my fear.
I gave Darwin a chance.
The place seemed frightening at first. I heard that it was rough, even dangerous, but I went ahead and passed that perceived threat to experience on my own skin its harmlessness.
However, it all depends on what we consider 'a harm'.

There were many challenges. The daily madness on public transport, feeling the collective grief and rage of the Aborigines, putting up with the drunken smells, the heat forcing us to drip with sweat and the remoteness of the city making most of my favorite stuff unavailable up here were the obvious ones for me. 
Observing other locals going about their days as if everything was fine, and if not, it could be put under the table for no one to see or for someone else to deal with, while the evening provided a tropical relief in the form of chilled drinks, yes, that was a hard one. 
People do like to drink up here, myself included. Some even reach an oblivion every night. In that 'fun way' we numb what we feel but don't want to feel, we escape any incentives to bring about positive changes, effectively paralyze ourselves and thus shut any possible efforts to move and DO something about the underlying unhappiness.

Even if I don't give in to the temptation of a drink - I study, I work and I care - I can't help here.
I am only useful while helping those who want to be helped and are ready to receive it. 

I am off to continue my healing, so I can best serve those who are waiting for my arrival.
Darwin with its incomprehensible magic will stay in my heart.


Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Commitment and love for: Travel

This Valentine's Day is a two year break-up anniversary for me and Him (my ex's name). Feeling absolutely no bitterness this year.
Perhaps telepathic, He texted me at 5 am to ask if I was ok, that he had a dream about us. After investigating, it was far from as wild as the stories I dreamt that night.

Last night had me waking up every hour in confusion! I broke into someone's house, had sex with Simon Sinek (aware that his Jewish brother was cooking next door), played tennis with my sister, saw a fat guy demonstrating how to eat a melted chocolate and in the last dream I was escaping a sand dune avalanche by the sea...

Crazy? It felt exhausting and kind of mystical. Very real feelings during all of those scenarios. I wish the second one was true... 😜

I am very grateful for the past 6 weeks of my working holiday.
Darwin - home sweet home, not really, but it's good to be back in the warm weather, my familiar bed and attending classes again. On the other hand, I am already planning my next escape. 

My Darwinian client whom I caught in Adelaide, expressed his thought that my flexibility and keenness to live out of a suitcase might not be about my love for traveling, rather about something deeper... He concluded I was looking for something. It put a bug into my head!

The Highlights of the trip:

7 flights
3 train rides 

2 shuttles (not counting airport ones)
2 road trips
15 changes of accommodation - private and shared, hotels, airbnb and friends houses - that’s 15 different beds in 6 weeks.
4 driving lessons
1 failed test (too many non-critical errors)
Numerous beach trips
Lots of good food
Several cups of great coffee
A few old beautiful friends (Rowena, Brisy tribe..)
Some new inspiring friends

Handsome faces passing me by at airports
Happy figures waving at me from cars
Too many strolls up and down the streets, roads and hills in my Lululemon pants or Victoria Secrets shorts or a gray print dress (the only clothes I took with me)
Every other day looking for the best peaches at the Adelaide Central Market, or searching for the best curry/laksa, then giving up after the second
Money in and out - daily circulation
Best clients in Adelaide
Clients who did my head in (GC, Brisbane)
Clients who couldn’t read between the lines (Melbourne)
Clients who were so nice, willing and keen to learn, expand and experience Tantric bliss without compromising me in any way
Byron full moon magic

Bonding with Hollis
New challenges (Mark’s article about #metoo, MJB seminar about money)
Old wounds opening, but creating a new space for growth
Opportunities to write and rewrite
Combatted addictions (peanut butter, daily wine, sex)
Observing my fears, the fear of a visible success - envy, jealousy of others, feelings of guilt towards my parents - loyalties to staying small…
10 extra kilos to my luggage!!!!! Not to me. I have probably lost a couple lol

Now... it's time to apply for as many community services jobs as there are out there!

Happy Valentine's Day! 

Saturday, February 3, 2018

A healing #metoo exchange with Mark

Mark O'Brien is the editor of Byron Body Soul Guide. 
He believes that the #metoo phenomenon can change the world in a way feminism could never do.

Mark wrote an article where he largely focused on the impact of sexual harassment in the media world, where women are as much to blame as men. O'Brien tried to separate the world of show-business where women play as hard as men to rise to fame by means of their sex appeal, from the world where non-consensual sex was a crime.
It triggered something within me.
I felt too angry not to react and keep that fire within.
I thought he was an asshole, I'm sorry, for narrowing down the #metoo floodings to power games.

The last paragraph where it seems that he suggests to compartmentalize the unspoken taboos so we keep sex playful and the Latinos happy (his line: "What would Latinos do?" was edited in the online version) drove me nuts.

Of course, the real deal lied somewhere else... To my surprise, a long overdue healing has started to take its place. 
I've been righteous about staying pissed at men all my life. It's time to crack this case!
You may get a good idea from our brief exchange. (Btw. It is very humbling to post it all here and expose my weaknesses, hidden wounds and ego, oh the ego...)

I apologize for any mistakes, I am a foreigner and English is not my first language, but I need to express my concerns.To start, I see your point, Mark O’Brien. Many of your examples were about the abuse of power from men and women alike. I, too, was once one of the women very much aware of her power over men, and thus – without even needing to go as far – I got what I wanted. I changed because I grew up spiritually. Not because I wanted to keep sex “playful”.Too many of #metoo were painfully sad cases of actual rape, if you didn’t know that. So many of my friends admitted to having been abused as children- how could a child abuse its power – In this way??I’m sorry, Mark O’Brien, that you so skilfully avoid feeling the collective grief. You are probably the type of man who uses women in bed to feel better about himself. You sure have lived in Australia for too long so now you nicely fit into the stereotypical model of a zero emotionally intelligent Aussie bloke in denial of deep emotions. Not all emotions feel great, of course.I dislike your article for your taking it so lightheartedly. It is safely narrowed down to one thing, which doesn’t even matter. What kind of a research have you done? It doesn’t seem very thoughtful.We all suffer and by allowing ourselves to grieve we unite. Only then we can educate the current children and teens and strive to prevent further abuse.Good luck

My private e-mail less than 24 hours later:
Dear Mark O’Brien,I wrote an online comment on your article: Sexual abuse as abuse of power.I admit I must have misinterpreted your message and reacted too quickly to my perceived injustice.
Having finished reading the whole Byron body soul guide, and reading your Greetings message, I understand that you see the #metoo issue from other angles too.
As a sex therapist and a great empath, I have been flooded with many broken hearts lately and I forgot to ground myself and patch the holes in my leaking boundaries.
Sometimes it’s hard to know where I end and my clients begin.I saw you as a ‘perpetrator’ without even knowing you. I had a quiet word with myself then. My portrayal of you wasn’t quite right.Please accept my apology. You may remove my comments - I would have done myself it if I knew how.I did enjoy the Byron Bay guide. All the best with it.Sincerely,Pavlina

Mark:Hi Pavlina, thanks for your comment. I do not feel I am taking this light heartedly – indeed I believe metoo is really important but in order for it to change the world like I feel it can, I feel some elements need to be defined and removed from the conversation, to un’muddy’ the conversation, like what you talk about, using sex to get power because every man knows this and will use it to not take women’s trauma and #metoo seriously. My intention is to take that argument away from men.Women all over the world have been traumatised, in all cultures, though one that particularly stands out is in the old eastern bloc. I am a bit of a novice personally re ‘eastern bloc’ women having never had a girlfriend from there, but I can see a ruthlessness and toughness, as well as a powerful self respect and beauty.Actually I do not see myself at all as the ‘stereotypical model of a zero emotionally intelligent Aussie bloke in denial of deep emotions’ and for you to say that I am is another metoo moment – you are not ‘seeing’ who I am anymore than you think I am seeing your or other women’s situation.My point was to address the abuse of power issue then the sex abuse does not exist. Sex abuse is ultimately about power, as rape is about power, not sex. If, and it is a big ‘if’, we can understand that sex abuse is not about sex, and collectively get over our need to subjugate someone else then maybe serious inroads can be made to freeing women from this trauma. One of my fave songs for decades is ‘Woman in Chains’ by Tears for Fears.I also feel that anything anyone says about #metoo is incomplete, especially coming from a man, but IF men can listen to me in a way they cannot hear a women then I have done my job.I encourage you to read the three articles linked as pdfs which I commissioned from three women therapist friends of mine for other viewpoints, and also the other articles that are linked there too.#metoo is massive, huge, and I have written this to get people discussing, and maybe even open old unhealed wounds such as what is apparently happening with you.I am glad this article hit something in you that made you write to me – this is part of your healing too. Thank you for sharing.

Mark's private e-mail:
Hi Pavlina
Thank you so much for what you say here and also online. I fixed up your typos (just a couple, not such bad English!) and published your comment, as well as my response to it. You might like to have a look at it - for sure you are not the only women to have these feelings, and so I left it there, along with my response, for other women to read. I felt it to be beautiful how you shared your heart. 
I love that you take responsibility here, you express that beautifully, brought tear to my eye to read it - lovely.
I do not want to remove your comment - not at all. I hope you are OK with my leaving it there, and my response. While there was some projection there I also feel your sincerity and your owning of stuff. You can write another comment if you like. 
I am a guy writing about #metoo - of course I will be projected on, and wounds will open and pain will flow. I expect that, and it is some way I can contribute towards #metoo. It is a really delicate subject and I knew it might blow up on me if I wrote how I felt. I want men talking about it, among themselves, and that was happening after the mag was published. Awesome. 
Hahaha, I love the ‘quiet word with yourself’, 'patching holes in your leaky boundaries’ - you have wonderful language.Thank you for all of this, it has been a pleasure to have this interaction with you, I feel honoured. 
If you feel like you’d like to write your own piece about #metoo and have it on my site, you are most welcome. There is no budget for payment (for me either!) other than making contribution.
I am glad you like my magazine, maybe next year you can take out an ad! lol
Lovely to meet you Pavlina 
cheers Mark

My e-mail reply:Mark, you were spot on. I read your article again, and all the other recommendations, after I had dived deeper into the dark waters and hidden corners of my own psyche. It seems as if I received a gift in the form of stumbling upon the magazine, unconsciously responding to my feelings of rage by my incomplete comments - and then seeing that none of that rage made sense anymore! But of course it had its base, and in uncovering that in the past few days I began healing at last.Your article was an important trigger, and your comments rightly addressed my blind spots.I hope that my personal story could help facilitate healing for more women, too. 
Writing an article in response to what have been said between us and what I’ve discovered in the aftermath would be an honor.
I began already. The full moon was too powerful and I couldn’t sleep for so much inspiration coming my way. I’d like to take my time with the content and edits so It’s easy on the eye for native English speakers to read! :)What are the guidelines? How many words?Would that be published in print or only on the web? If, then when? 
I am at once surprised, thankful and excited by your mature character. I know I want to shift my focus away from unaware and emotionally unintelligent male species and start seeing what else is there. Getting to the core of my beliefs is crucial.
My piece would be mostly about anger and about cultural conditionings.
The link to the French view of #metoo was excellent, since I’ve lived in France and very much adapted at that time, yet hated men still. Could that be my Czech roots? Who knows, as my questionable identification with that nationality would make for another chapter. Nevertheless, I was undoubtedly influenced by my parents’ upbringing!I particularly liked excerpts from “On rage” by Germaine Greer and researching more about her.Also, a great song by the way! Rings true...

I look forward to hearing about the template and the deadline.Thank you for this opportunity to contribute! I’d love to promote yours and any women’s causes.

Best Regards,Pavlina

The article on Sexual abuse can be found here:

Friday, January 26, 2018

Periods and blossoming

Let’s create some meaningful changes, shall we?

The time leading up to a woman's period is a blessing of heightened intuition, easier self-reflection, and emotions giving us signals to change and evolve.

The body is preparing to shed its old lining via menstrual blood gushing through the vagina, cleansing whatever has accumulated physically and metaphysically. Emotions can flood us, women, and remind us that something doesn’t serve us anymore. Ah, the hormones can be all over the place! But only if we've forgotten to listen along the way.

From my own observation, if my life seems fairly smooth-sailing, my diet is how I like it (nearly vegan, gluten and sugar free), I feel somewhat financially secure and connected to others by regular catch ups or other routines (attending school, going to the gym), I hardly notice my period is coming and I don’t even experience menstrual pains. 

If, however, my regime is off balance, I travel, feel mildly disconnected, meet assholes at work, don't watch my spending, and I eat whatever, I turn into a monster and getting closer to my period feels like a nightmare - for everyone near me! In that case, dealing with that female ordeal hurts - on a physical and emotional level, too.

Can you see the message?

How can we love ourselves better?
That question should be on our minds every morning - whether on period or not, men included.

For if we detour from self-love - we focus on others' needs before ours, if we worry about the future, hate our lives, work, routines and as a result become disliking ourselves to the core - that is a recipe for miserable days.

There are signs...

I suspect my period on Monday as I've already been feeling like killing people or sabotaging myself for the past couple of days.

I disregarded my intuition last night about a gathering that I didn’t want to go to, but I did. It exhausted me so much that I slept for 9 hours straight, and that hardly ever happens. Too many strangers to answer their shit questions to. Why did I go??

This afternoon I found myself despising my male client before he even stepped through the door. I recognized his energy over the phone. I knew he was a good man but so frickin' unconscious.
I felt too dizzy to even talk (that wasn’t a hangover since I only had one drink the night before); the sensitivity towards one's thoughts was overwhelming. I heard my words as he would - spiritual mambo jumbo. I didn't see the point of going ahead with the session, but then I took a deep breath and transited back into my own skin again. The girl who believed in her values, wanted to make a difference in the world, but struggled to see how
Is this the way?
Perhaps not.
Perhaps sometimes it is.

Sometimes, I love what I do. I see how I heal and how people transform and blossom. Some days, I feel I could do more. Some days, I know I could do more.

So this is it. The lunar time when even if I don’t know - my brain can’t provide the answers - MY BODY knows. My body tells me - let’s move on. This thing has run its course. You’re over it. You can do better, and you WILL do better.
Our female monthly anxiety can have unacknowledged but solid grounds.

I want to see more of blossomed people. I want to take my healing to another level. I've been afraid, but I'm ready. 
Taking the first step is often the hardest, isn't it?
When will I... ?

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Man-free never felt better

I avoided him like the plague...

Soon it won’t be called “a visit of our mutual friend, Rowena and her family near his town”. It will be simply: “visiting Rowena and her adorable family.”

I had so much fun with Rowena and her kids. I connect with them and I dare to say - they love me by now.

I avoided the southern suburb of the town. The farm, the shop... his ‘estate’.

No need to see him, reminisce, or accidentally bump into him and stammer. Apparently, he seemed offended that I didn't make the effort to stop by this time. I couldn't. I am single, our past connection fatally marked me, false promises made the concept of love seem like a joke, disillusionment crushed me, and now I am ready to start seeing possibilities for a rebirth. Why would I take a step back, even if just temporarily? Complete celibacy does work for me.
I know what I need and two years into our split - I see that he still wouldn't deliver. As I'm untangling, I feel gratitude for everything that happened.
Next time I won’t cry on the train when leaving either.

Current stop - Gold Coast
In a few days - Byron Bay
Final stop - Melbourne 
Then home sweet home - Darwin

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Wind and Sea

I am ready - I am not ready - I am ready
The story of my life.

Many of the men I’ve met on my life journey actually wanted a commitment. It was but me who hesitated. Now I am in THE TOWN (his town)! The local charm sucks me in, the human idiocy makes me drop my jaw in disbelief.

I’ve changed, why hasn’t it over here?

But then… I turn to appreciate the beauty of nature. NSW is beautiful and especially these parts remind me of the forests, meadows and mountains in the Czech Republic. The landscape is so fresh and crisp and it’s calling me to explore it. I love longingly staring into the distant wilderness.

The wind gave me a super blow-dry today. I wasn’t complaining though. Thank God for oxygen. But it did blow me off of the path a few steps, and instead of the pavement I involuntarily headed towards the beach. There it was even windier, obviously!

I nearly suffocated by that much air in a single sweep. Sounds like a paradox - however, the wind in my face felt like a plastic bag over my head.
No one was swimming in the stormy sea, but all of us present walking on the beach in the dawn no doubt felt its salty kiss. 
The raw weather seemed rather magnificent. 
The wind carried droplets of water and grains of the shore far into the bushes. The sand swirled around me and stung my eyes before brushing over my hair. I played a part in this orchestra. 
I kept breathing and feeling absolutely connected to nature, its untamed elements, and once again I experienced such gratitude for living in Australia and having my earliest memories connected to this magical place.

I don’t miss him. But what we had was good…

I should probably avoid him this time.

However, I am ready.

Saturday, January 13, 2018


The truth is: I enjoy a glass of wine every once in a while.
Doing so - could be the part of 'I' who is not yet where she wants to be.
However, it could also be the 'I' who is at peace and eternally grateful for where she is at now.

If I relax into the feeling that life is worth living and that I am absolutely, perfectly in sync, wine enhances my contentment and I sleep like a baby. What's even better, I am driven to hit the gym the next day, actually WORKOUT, and feel like a functional human being as a result.
I am back on.
Still no peanut butter, but I did have some peanuts. Not a lot, and I do not see peanuts as my best friends anymore, but I sooo enjoyed the crunchiness.
I feel healthy and I'm still loving Adelaide and the local vibe.
I'm doing a tour in McLaren Vale tomorrow with a client of mine and an Estonian friend from Darwin. I'm excited and super-confident that wine-tasting won't be overdone and won't mess up with my detox program. I feel proud of my progress and pumped to take my self-control to new challenging heights!

Out of the blue... I re-watched a childhood movie today. I searched for the "Modern Family" on Netflix (since THE BEST tv-show ever: Brooklyn 9-9 fifth season isn't accessible yet), but "Parent's Trap" popped up instead.
My God, isn't that the best family film ever?
I cried so much; I felt touched, relieved, healed, joyful, grateful, and in love with young Lindsay Lohan.
Parent's Trap must be the nicest movie of my youth. By the way, I initially played it just so I could find the bit where they eat Oreos with peanut butter. I couldn't stop after I watched the little girls' bonding! I fell right into it. Two sisters reunited, instantly connecting, learning from one another, and plotting to get their parents back together. I turned into a weeping little mess. 

The storyline made me miss my younger sister and perhaps grieve over what my parents will never experience. It woke up a yearning for childhood innocence and the comfort of being - a child. It is hard to believe that I have once been protected by adults, looked after at all costs, and had no responsibilities. 
I questioned myself: where is home now?
And - does it matter? (See quotes from Maya Angelou and Brene Brown bellow)
I sobbed and at the same time, I felt a little more complete.
I used to long for home ... Now I know it is within, and ultimately - with God.
I have the courage to stand alone in the wilderness, and/or embrace my vulnerability and uniqueness around others.
Hello, self-acceptance.

Monday, January 8, 2018

Centering, letting go of excess weight and bad habits

- Day 7 of my sober adventure
- Day 6 of withdrawing from a peanut butter addiction
- About 2 months since the last loveless love-making

I am going to cleanse all January at least.
(However, I'm pretty sure I had a beer around 1am on New Year. No regrets - what a nice boogie to welcome the new year with my friends!)

About the addictions:
When in the supermarket and my gaze falls on the shelves of spreads, my eyes instantly blur and my head spins as I think: Oh, I can’t have you... you bad, bad boys….
I am still weak. If I bought a jar and meant to ration the load into small doses every day, or ideally, every few days, I would undoubtedly fail. A spoon after spoon until the creamy thing disappears. That’s how bad used to be my peanut butter addiction :( .
Back then I convinced myself that heaps of peanut butter were good for me (healthy vitamin E, filling fat, and vegan protein) thus,
I turned a blind eye to how much my belly suffered until it popped out like a pregnant bump - an undeniable cause of inflammation! Because the mind is directly connected to the gut health, I clearly wasn’t happy.

This year, I'd like to exercise self-control along with delaying immediate gratification. I already feel quite empowered!

While living in Darwin, I also found myself drinking way too often. It makes me feel sick recalling the amounts of alcohol passing through my body. Nearly every evening I had a glass of wine or two or sometimes close enough to a bottle. all alone. at home. 'a treat' after work.

Frankly, I felt like having a glass of wine this week, too. I love the rich taste of red grapes, the sweetness of plums and berries and chocolatey aroma… but I don't act on the false premise. I have my whole life to drink wine - once I am strong enough to stick with the right amount and use it to celebrate - not to feel creative, drown in frustrations or tranquilize myself. These days it is important to focus but I can’t do that if I am at the mercy of a substance.

Since I started detoxing in Adelaide, I realized that this is the life I’ve always wanted to live - eating clean food, feeling free in body, mind and spirit, staying sober and clear, and consciously deciding not to give in to things promising a quick-fix. I'm looking for long-term solutions for my wellbeing. Yes, I still get sulky and fearful but I know that wine, peanuts or sex wouldn’t fix it.

It intrigues me how certain habits and substances keep us trapped in negativity. Why do we give so much power to something that is outside of ourselves? Maybe we feel small and helpless to cope with life's ordeals without the help of stimulants, tranquilizers, retail therapies or casual sex... 
(Please, please, tell me this is not just about me.)

I take any present negative emotions as part of the withdrawal process/program. Something important is happening right now as new ideas are taking place of the old delusional ones (which were created by alcohol tricking my mind and toxic byproducts of too much food that I didn't need and I couldn't digest).

Relaxing is best done by remembering to breathe and making the time for sitting in a quiet contemplation. Taking control over my food habits and being stronger than the desire to drink naturally go hand in hand with exercising self-control over superficial affairs. I am not at all compelled to look for a man to fill a void, comfort me, entertain me or save me. I'm feeling better about myself each day. Additionaly, I know I won’t die alone and my single days are numbered. The right guy is going to find me when I'm living my life with purpose and clarity.
(He will, of course, have to accept my gypsy soul - a little crazy, unstable, and at home on the road. In turn, I promise to never complain that work comes first. If there was anything I learned from my previous relationships, that was it.)

I have a problem, I’m not sure if I want to come back to Darwin. I am tied to it because of visa regulations and commitments to my studies. This dilemma sucks. It makes my heart sink. I’ve felt trapped the last couple of months, but I have to keep my eyes on the horizon and plan the future. I love Australia, It feels like home, my ‘cup of tea”, my blood type, my dreamland (my native country never felt like that). I  feel like I belong and I shall not screw my stay in here.

Nevertheless, Darwin’s lifestyle exhausts me. The heat, the people, the school, and the long hours at work doing the same monotonous tasks. Fascinatingly, I found myself over-exercising in the last 2-3 months and also over-eating. At the moment I am unable to do either. 

Although the most exercise I do in Adelaide is walking up and down the stairs in this airbnb house in Unley, I am relaxed and still shedding weight. I miss feeling fit though. Ralf suggested planks - I'll give it a shot! To borrow his own description of himself - there’s definitely a fat girl living in this body who wants to eat everything at all times, watch netflix all day, not move, then sleep and become skinny in the process.
Self-discipline is key! Let's pray for it.


Sunday, December 31, 2017

I guess it's a New Year's resolution

Update on my decision for celibacy before meeting the man I'll happily fall in love with, be able to imagine as my loving and protective husband, who will be just as crazy about us and determined to stay with me and make love to me for as long as we make sense to each other:

Yep, I still stand by it.

Without any pretense - I find it incredibly hard at times. I’ve always had a naturally high sexual appetite, tremendous curiosity regarding the body and physicalities, and I get so horny just before my period…

I nearly made a mistake last week and hooked up with Thor, nearly, but fate stepped in. The next day I spoke with my sister about possibly making an exception, since T. is a previous sex partner, and “we are still in 2017….”
No. She had the most well-meant arguments on the planet, and her brutal cutting off my wings sent me back to reality. However, as a result, it brought back my self-esteem.

I don’t need to fuck every time I feel lonely.

Today, I’m standing in my power and just as my sis reminded me, I'm being aware of the sweet fruits this cautiousness regarding my sex-life shall bring. When I finally meet the one I’ve been longing for, he’ll receive my waiting body as an added bonus to my super-duper awesome personality. It is so sad to waste my gifts in a casual bed-buddy thing, where the other party doesn’t care about what everything I’m made of. If I take myself for granted - they can, too. 
If I knew what I deserved, I appreciated and loved myself - why shouldn’t they?

This is the time for a new approach.
I forgave myself for that momentary weakness experienced last week. In fact, I'm glad - I learned a lot!

Thank you, my sister, for acting as my guide and re-directing me to the path I chose when I had a clear head and a clear vision for my future relationship.
I loved it!

Happy new year! 
May 2018 be our best year yet x
(I know, it is quite contingent)

Thursday, December 28, 2017


A quick update.

I didn’t do anything special around Christmas. I worked in the shop on Christmas Eve and on Boxing Day, so no 'Orphan party' either. Also, as every year, I made the obligatory call to my parents.

To treat myself on my well-deserved day off, the Christmas Day, I didn’t care about becoming a lazy, chubby blob and I moved only from the bed to the fridge and back to the bed. Happy times!

That was exactly what I planned.

Or maybe not, as in the middle of all that snacking, napping and Netflix watching, I decided to finish my school assignment, and…. invite Mike for a dinner of frozen peas. [cooked].

Anyone else would be busy with their families.
Mike accepted. Tidying his shed probably didn’t seem as interesting as sampling a very vegan meal from a Czech girl dressed like a Wonderwoman on a hot Christmas Day.

Mike is a guy who gave me a lift four months ago when I was a bit stranded on the highway, waiting in the heat for the next bus coming in half an hour.
He introduced me to the Jungle house, where I met all the lovely backpackers, and then some, who consequently became my new Darwin family.
I stopped hanging out with Mike due to his pathological impunctuality. Enough said, we started texting and mending the friendship about a month ago. My life has been a whirlwind since so we didn’t get the chance to meet up before this Monday the 25th.

Sadly, this guy will never change. He came 20 minutes late with such a lousy excuse. I said nothing.
I just deleted him from my phone.

I'm kidding. However, there's definitely no need to see him again!
One might think that I was being 'generous' because of the spirit of Christmas - and - I’m cringing now - because what if I was?

I actually hate that Christmas’ pretentiousness.
I hate it with a passion.
A childhood memory of a mother putting on a fake smile: 
“It’s Christmas”.“Let’s do this for the kids.”
Hm.Let’s do this for Mike?

I have no regrets. Halfway through my napping day, I simply didn’t feel like facing Christmas through to the end all alone.
Moreover, Mike sensed and respected my need for rest and privacy and left soon after the dinner. All felt cool and friendly between us, which made me believe that any residues of a bad karma got smoothed out.

And that’s me and Christmas. We’re done. No more 'celebrating' in the years to come.
Unless I have kids. (?)

For the record, it’s a Christian holiday. If we believe in Jesus (I do), let’s go to the church, or let's not; let's act like Jesus would - spreading the love, joy and generosity the whole year around. If not, admit we're hypocrites. 
If we narrow 'family and giving' only to a single day, I don't know, but to me it's like acting as foolish, pretentious robots. 
Why do we celebrate 'family and giving' only on Christmas if we don't believe in Christianity or - which is even sadder, if we don't feel like it any other time of the year?
I guess that it must be some unquestionable tradition! Smiley face.