Wednesday, February 14, 2018

Commitment and love for: Travel

This Valentine's Day is a two year break-up anniversary for me and Him (my ex's name). Feeling absolutely no bitterness this year.
Perhaps telepathic, He texted me at 5 am to ask if I was ok, that he had a dream about us. After investigating, it was far from as wild as the stories I dreamt that night.

Last night had me waking up every hour in confusion! I broke into someone's house, had sex with Simon Sinek (aware that his Jewish brother was cooking next door), played tennis with my sister, saw a fat guy demonstrating how to eat a melted chocolate and in the last dream I was escaping a sand dune avalanche by the sea...

Crazy? It felt exhausting and kind of mystical. Very real feelings during all of those scenarios. I wish the second one was true... 😜

I am very grateful for the past 6 weeks of my working holiday.
Darwin - home sweet home, not really, but it's good to be back in the warm weather, my familiar bed and attending classes again. On the other hand, I am already planning my next escape. 

My Darwinian client whom I caught in Adelaide, expressed his thought that my flexibility and keenness to live out of a suitcase might not be about my love for traveling, rather about something deeper... He concluded I was looking for something. It put a bug into my head!

The Highlights of the trip:

7 flights
3 train rides 

2 shuttles (not counting airport ones)
2 road trips
15 changes of accommodation - private and shared, hotels, airbnb and friends houses - that’s 15 different beds in 6 weeks.
4 driving lessons
1 failed test (too many non-critical errors)
Numerous beach trips
Lots of good food
Several cups of great coffee
A few old beautiful friends (Rowena, Brisy tribe..)
Some new inspiring friends

Handsome faces passing me by at airports
Happy figures waving at me from cars
Too many strolls up and down the streets, roads and hills in my Lululemon pants or Victoria Secrets shorts or a gray print dress (the only clothes I took with me)
Every other day looking for the best peaches at the Adelaide Central Market, or searching for the best curry/laksa, then giving up after the second
Money in and out - daily circulation
Best clients in Adelaide
Clients who did my head in (GC, Brisbane)
Clients who couldn’t read between the lines (Melbourne)
Clients who were so nice, willing and keen to learn, expand and experience Tantric bliss without compromising me in any way
Byron full moon magic

Bonding with Hollis
New challenges (Mark’s article about #metoo, MJB seminar about money)
Old wounds opening, but creating a new space for growth
Opportunities to write and rewrite
Combatted addictions (peanut butter, daily wine, sex)
Observing my fears, the fear of a visible success - envy, jealousy of others, feelings of guilt towards my parents - loyalties to staying small…
10 extra kilos to my luggage!!!!! Not to me. I have probably lost a couple lol

Now... it's time to apply for as many community services jobs as there are out there!

Happy Valentine's Day! 

Saturday, February 3, 2018

A healing #metoo exchange with Mark

Mark O'Brien is the editor of Byron Body Soul Guide. 
He believes that the #metoo phenomenon can change the world in a way feminism could never do.

Mark wrote an article where he largely focused on the impact of sexual harassment in the media world, where women are as much to blame as men. O'Brien tried to separate the world of show-business where women play as hard as men to rise to fame by means of their sex appeal, from the world where non-consensual sex was a crime.
It triggered something within me.
I felt too angry not to react and keep that fire within.
I thought he was an asshole, I'm sorry, for narrowing down the #metoo floodings to power games.

The last paragraph where it seems that he suggests to compartmentalize the unspoken taboos so we keep sex playful and the Latinos happy (his line: "What would Latinos do?" was edited in the online version) drove me nuts.

Of course, the real deal lied somewhere else... To my surprise, a long overdue healing has started to take its place. 
I've been righteous about staying pissed at men all my life. It's time to crack this case!
You may get a good idea from our brief exchange. (Btw. It is very humbling to post it all here and expose my weaknesses, hidden wounds and ego, oh the ego...)

I apologize for any mistakes, I am a foreigner and English is not my first language, but I need to express my concerns.To start, I see your point, Mark O’Brien. Many of your examples were about the abuse of power from men and women alike. I, too, was once one of the women very much aware of her power over men, and thus – without even needing to go as far – I got what I wanted. I changed because I grew up spiritually. Not because I wanted to keep sex “playful”.Too many of #metoo were painfully sad cases of actual rape, if you didn’t know that. So many of my friends admitted to having been abused as children- how could a child abuse its power – In this way??I’m sorry, Mark O’Brien, that you so skilfully avoid feeling the collective grief. You are probably the type of man who uses women in bed to feel better about himself. You sure have lived in Australia for too long so now you nicely fit into the stereotypical model of a zero emotionally intelligent Aussie bloke in denial of deep emotions. Not all emotions feel great, of course.I dislike your article for your taking it so lightheartedly. It is safely narrowed down to one thing, which doesn’t even matter. What kind of a research have you done? It doesn’t seem very thoughtful.We all suffer and by allowing ourselves to grieve we unite. Only then we can educate the current children and teens and strive to prevent further abuse.Good luck

My private e-mail less than 24 hours later:
Dear Mark O’Brien,I wrote an online comment on your article: Sexual abuse as abuse of power.I admit I must have misinterpreted your message and reacted too quickly to my perceived injustice.
Having finished reading the whole Byron body soul guide, and reading your Greetings message, I understand that you see the #metoo issue from other angles too.
As a sex therapist and a great empath, I have been flooded with many broken hearts lately and I forgot to ground myself and patch the holes in my leaking boundaries.
Sometimes it’s hard to know where I end and my clients begin.I saw you as a ‘perpetrator’ without even knowing you. I had a quiet word with myself then. My portrayal of you wasn’t quite right.Please accept my apology. You may remove my comments - I would have done myself it if I knew how.I did enjoy the Byron Bay guide. All the best with it.Sincerely,Pavlina

Mark:Hi Pavlina, thanks for your comment. I do not feel I am taking this light heartedly – indeed I believe metoo is really important but in order for it to change the world like I feel it can, I feel some elements need to be defined and removed from the conversation, to un’muddy’ the conversation, like what you talk about, using sex to get power because every man knows this and will use it to not take women’s trauma and #metoo seriously. My intention is to take that argument away from men.Women all over the world have been traumatised, in all cultures, though one that particularly stands out is in the old eastern bloc. I am a bit of a novice personally re ‘eastern bloc’ women having never had a girlfriend from there, but I can see a ruthlessness and toughness, as well as a powerful self respect and beauty.Actually I do not see myself at all as the ‘stereotypical model of a zero emotionally intelligent Aussie bloke in denial of deep emotions’ and for you to say that I am is another metoo moment – you are not ‘seeing’ who I am anymore than you think I am seeing your or other women’s situation.My point was to address the abuse of power issue then the sex abuse does not exist. Sex abuse is ultimately about power, as rape is about power, not sex. If, and it is a big ‘if’, we can understand that sex abuse is not about sex, and collectively get over our need to subjugate someone else then maybe serious inroads can be made to freeing women from this trauma. One of my fave songs for decades is ‘Woman in Chains’ by Tears for Fears.I also feel that anything anyone says about #metoo is incomplete, especially coming from a man, but IF men can listen to me in a way they cannot hear a women then I have done my job.I encourage you to read the three articles linked as pdfs which I commissioned from three women therapist friends of mine for other viewpoints, and also the other articles that are linked there too.#metoo is massive, huge, and I have written this to get people discussing, and maybe even open old unhealed wounds such as what is apparently happening with you.I am glad this article hit something in you that made you write to me – this is part of your healing too. Thank you for sharing.

Mark's private e-mail:
Hi Pavlina
Thank you so much for what you say here and also online. I fixed up your typos (just a couple, not such bad English!) and published your comment, as well as my response to it. You might like to have a look at it - for sure you are not the only women to have these feelings, and so I left it there, along with my response, for other women to read. I felt it to be beautiful how you shared your heart. 
I love that you take responsibility here, you express that beautifully, brought tear to my eye to read it - lovely.
I do not want to remove your comment - not at all. I hope you are OK with my leaving it there, and my response. While there was some projection there I also feel your sincerity and your owning of stuff. You can write another comment if you like. 
I am a guy writing about #metoo - of course I will be projected on, and wounds will open and pain will flow. I expect that, and it is some way I can contribute towards #metoo. It is a really delicate subject and I knew it might blow up on me if I wrote how I felt. I want men talking about it, among themselves, and that was happening after the mag was published. Awesome. 
Hahaha, I love the ‘quiet word with yourself’, 'patching holes in your leaky boundaries’ - you have wonderful language.Thank you for all of this, it has been a pleasure to have this interaction with you, I feel honoured. 
If you feel like you’d like to write your own piece about #metoo and have it on my site, you are most welcome. There is no budget for payment (for me either!) other than making contribution.
I am glad you like my magazine, maybe next year you can take out an ad! lol
Lovely to meet you Pavlina 
cheers Mark

My e-mail reply:Mark, you were spot on. I read your article again, and all the other recommendations, after I had dived deeper into the dark waters and hidden corners of my own psyche. It seems as if I received a gift in the form of stumbling upon the magazine, unconsciously responding to my feelings of rage by my incomplete comments - and then seeing that none of that rage made sense anymore! But of course it had its base, and in uncovering that in the past few days I began healing at last.Your article was an important trigger, and your comments rightly addressed my blind spots.I hope that my personal story could help facilitate healing for more women, too. 
Writing an article in response to what have been said between us and what I’ve discovered in the aftermath would be an honor.
I began already. The full moon was too powerful and I couldn’t sleep for so much inspiration coming my way. I’d like to take my time with the content and edits so It’s easy on the eye for native English speakers to read! :)What are the guidelines? How many words?Would that be published in print or only on the web? If, then when? 
I am at once surprised, thankful and excited by your mature character. I know I want to shift my focus away from unaware and emotionally unintelligent male species and start seeing what else is there. Getting to the core of my beliefs is crucial.
My piece would be mostly about anger and about cultural conditionings.
The link to the French view of #metoo was excellent, since I’ve lived in France and very much adapted at that time, yet hated men still. Could that be my Czech roots? Who knows, as my questionable identification with that nationality would make for another chapter. Nevertheless, I was undoubtedly influenced by my parents’ upbringing!I particularly liked excerpts from “On rage” by Germaine Greer and researching more about her.Also, a great song by the way! Rings true...

I look forward to hearing about the template and the deadline.Thank you for this opportunity to contribute! I’d love to promote yours and any women’s causes.

Best Regards,Pavlina

The article on Sexual abuse can be found here:

Friday, January 26, 2018

Periods and blossoming

Let’s create some meaningful changes, shall we?

The time leading up to a woman's period is a blessing of heightened intuition, easier self-reflection, and emotions giving us signals to change and evolve.

The body is preparing to shed its old lining via menstrual blood gushing through the vagina, cleansing whatever has accumulated physically and metaphysically. Emotions can flood us, women, and remind us that something doesn’t serve us anymore. Ah, the hormones can be all over the place! But only if we've forgotten to listen along the way.

From my own observation, if my life seems fairly smooth-sailing, my diet is how I like it (nearly vegan, gluten and sugar free), I feel somewhat financially secure and connected to others by regular catch ups or other routines (attending school, going to the gym), I hardly notice my period is coming and I don’t even experience menstrual pains. 

If, however, my regime is off balance, I travel, feel mildly disconnected, meet assholes at work, don't watch my spending, and I eat whatever, I turn into a monster and getting closer to my period feels like a nightmare - for everyone near me! In that case, dealing with that female ordeal hurts - on a physical and emotional level, too.

Can you see the message?

How can we love ourselves better?
That question should be on our minds every morning - whether on period or not, men included.

For if we detour from self-love - we focus on others' needs before ours, if we worry about the future, hate our lives, work, routines and as a result become disliking ourselves to the core - that is a recipe for miserable days.

There are signs...

I suspect my period on Monday as I've already been feeling like killing people or sabotaging myself for the past couple of days.

I disregarded my intuition last night about a gathering that I didn’t want to go to, but I did. It exhausted me so much that I slept for 9 hours straight, and that hardly ever happens. Too many strangers to answer their shit questions to. Why did I go??

This afternoon I found myself despising my male client before he even stepped through the door. I recognized his energy over the phone. I knew he was a good man but so frickin' unconscious.
I felt too dizzy to even talk (that wasn’t a hangover since I only had one drink the night before); the sensitivity towards one's thoughts was overwhelming. I heard my words as he would - spiritual mambo jumbo. I didn't see the point of going ahead with the session, but then I took a deep breath and transited back into my own skin again. The girl who believed in her values, wanted to make a difference in the world, but struggled to see how
Is this the way?
Perhaps not.
Perhaps sometimes it is.

Sometimes, I love what I do. I see how I heal and how people transform and blossom. Some days, I feel I could do more. Some days, I know I could do more.

So this is it. The lunar time when even if I don’t know - my brain can’t provide the answers - MY BODY knows. My body tells me - let’s move on. This thing has run its course. You’re over it. You can do better, and you WILL do better.
Our female monthly anxiety can have unacknowledged but solid grounds.

I want to see more of blossomed people. I want to take my healing to another level. I've been afraid, but I'm ready. 
Taking the first step is often the hardest, isn't it?
When will I... ?

Saturday, January 20, 2018

Man-free never felt better

I avoided him like the plague...

Soon it won’t be called “a visit of our mutual friend, Rowena and her family near his town”. It will be simply: “visiting Rowena and her adorable family.”

I had so much fun with Rowena and her kids. I connect with them and I dare to say - they love me by now.

I avoided the southern suburb of the town. The farm, the shop... his ‘estate’.

No need to see him, reminisce, or accidentally bump into him and stammer. Apparently, he seemed offended that I didn't make the effort to stop by this time. I couldn't. I am single, our past connection fatally marked me, false promises made the concept of love seem like a joke, disillusionment crushed me, and now I am ready to start seeing possibilities for a rebirth. Why would I take a step back, even if just temporarily? Complete celibacy does work for me.
I know what I need and two years into our split - I see that he still wouldn't deliver. As I'm untangling, I feel gratitude for everything that happened.
Next time I won’t cry on the train when leaving either.

Current stop - Gold Coast
In a few days - Byron Bay
Final stop - Melbourne 
Then home sweet home - Darwin

Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Wind and Sea

I am ready - I am not ready - I am ready
The story of my life.

Many of the men I’ve met on my life journey actually wanted a commitment. It was but me who hesitated. Now I am in THE TOWN (his town)! The local charm sucks me in, the human idiocy makes me drop my jaw in disbelief.

I’ve changed, why hasn’t it over here?

But then… I turn to appreciate the beauty of nature. NSW is beautiful and especially these parts remind me of the forests, meadows and mountains in the Czech Republic. The landscape is so fresh and crisp and it’s calling me to explore it. I love longingly staring into the distant wilderness.

The wind gave me a super blow-dry today. I wasn’t complaining though. Thank God for oxygen. But it did blow me off of the path a few steps, and instead of the pavement I involuntarily headed towards the beach. There it was even windier, obviously!

I nearly suffocated by that much air in a single sweep. Sounds like a paradox - however, the wind in my face felt like a plastic bag over my head.
No one was swimming in the stormy sea, but all of us present walking on the beach in the dawn no doubt felt its salty kiss. 
The raw weather seemed rather magnificent. 
The wind carried droplets of water and grains of the shore far into the bushes. The sand swirled around me and stung my eyes before brushing over my hair. I played a part in this orchestra. 
I kept breathing and feeling absolutely connected to nature, its untamed elements, and once again I experienced such gratitude for living in Australia and having my earliest memories connected to this magical place.

I don’t miss him. But what we had was good…

I should probably avoid him this time.

However, I am ready.

Saturday, January 13, 2018


The truth is: I enjoy a glass of wine every once in a while.
Doing so - could be the part of 'I' who is not yet where she wants to be.
However, it could also be the 'I' who is at peace and eternally grateful for where she is at now.

If I relax into the feeling that life is worth living and that I am absolutely, perfectly in sync, wine enhances my contentment and I sleep like a baby. What's even better, I am driven to hit the gym the next day, actually WORKOUT, and feel like a functional human being as a result.
I am back on.
Still no peanut butter, but I did have some peanuts. Not a lot, and I do not see peanuts as my best friends anymore, but I sooo enjoyed the crunchiness.
I feel healthy and I'm still loving Adelaide and the local vibe.
I'm doing a tour in McLaren Vale tomorrow with a client of mine and an Estonian friend from Darwin. I'm excited and super-confident that wine-tasting won't be overdone and won't mess up with my detox program. I feel proud of my progress and pumped to take my self-control to new challenging heights!

Out of the blue... I re-watched a childhood movie today. I searched for the "Modern Family" on Netflix (since THE BEST tv-show ever: Brooklyn 9-9 fifth season isn't accessible yet), but "Parent's Trap" popped up instead.
My God, isn't that the best family film ever?
I cried so much; I felt touched, relieved, healed, joyful, grateful, and in love with young Lindsay Lohan.
Parent's Trap must be the nicest movie of my youth. By the way, I initially played it just so I could find the bit where they eat Oreos with peanut butter. I couldn't stop after I watched the little girls' bonding! I fell right into it. Two sisters reunited, instantly connecting, learning from one another, and plotting to get their parents back together. I turned into a weeping little mess. 

The storyline made me miss my younger sister and perhaps grieve over what my parents will never experience. It woke up a yearning for childhood innocence and the comfort of being - a child. It is hard to believe that I have once been protected by adults, looked after at all costs, and had no responsibilities. 
I questioned myself: where is home now?
And - does it matter? (See quotes from Maya Angelou and Brene Brown bellow)
I sobbed and at the same time, I felt a little more complete.
I used to long for home ... Now I know it is within, and ultimately - with God.
I have the courage to stand alone in the wilderness, and/or embrace my vulnerability and uniqueness around others.
Hello, self-acceptance.

Monday, January 8, 2018

Centering, letting go of excess weight and bad habits

- Day 7 of my sober adventure
- Day 6 of withdrawing from a peanut butter addiction
- About 2 months since the last loveless love-making

I am going to cleanse all January at least.
(However, I'm pretty sure I had a beer around 1am on New Year. No regrets - what a nice boogie to welcome the new year with my friends!)

About the addictions:
When in the supermarket and my gaze falls on the shelves of spreads, my eyes instantly blur and my head spins as I think: Oh, I can’t have you... you bad, bad boys….
I am still weak. If I bought a jar and meant to ration the load into small doses every day, or ideally, every few days, I would undoubtedly fail. A spoon after spoon until the creamy thing disappears. That’s how bad used to be my peanut butter addiction :( .
Back then I convinced myself that heaps of peanut butter were good for me (healthy vitamin E, filling fat, and vegan protein) thus,
I turned a blind eye to how much my belly suffered until it popped out like a pregnant bump - an undeniable cause of inflammation! Because the mind is directly connected to the gut health, I clearly wasn’t happy.

This year, I'd like to exercise self-control along with delaying immediate gratification. I already feel quite empowered!

While living in Darwin, I also found myself drinking way too often. It makes me feel sick recalling the amounts of alcohol passing through my body. Nearly every evening I had a glass of wine or two or sometimes close enough to a bottle. all alone. at home. 'a treat' after work.

Frankly, I felt like having a glass of wine this week, too. I love the rich taste of red grapes, the sweetness of plums and berries and chocolatey aroma… but I don't act on the false premise. I have my whole life to drink wine - once I am strong enough to stick with the right amount and use it to celebrate - not to feel creative, drown in frustrations or tranquilize myself. These days it is important to focus but I can’t do that if I am at the mercy of a substance.

Since I started detoxing in Adelaide, I realized that this is the life I’ve always wanted to live - eating clean food, feeling free in body, mind and spirit, staying sober and clear, and consciously deciding not to give in to things promising a quick-fix. I'm looking for long-term solutions for my wellbeing. Yes, I still get sulky and fearful but I know that wine, peanuts or sex wouldn’t fix it.

It intrigues me how certain habits and substances keep us trapped in negativity. Why do we give so much power to something that is outside of ourselves? Maybe we feel small and helpless to cope with life's ordeals without the help of stimulants, tranquilizers, retail therapies or casual sex... 
(Please, please, tell me this is not just about me.)

I take any present negative emotions as part of the withdrawal process/program. Something important is happening right now as new ideas are taking place of the old delusional ones (which were created by alcohol tricking my mind and toxic byproducts of too much food that I didn't need and I couldn't digest).

Relaxing is best done by remembering to breathe and making the time for sitting in a quiet contemplation. Taking control over my food habits and being stronger than the desire to drink naturally go hand in hand with exercising self-control over superficial affairs. I am not at all compelled to look for a man to fill a void, comfort me, entertain me or save me. I'm feeling better about myself each day. Additionaly, I know I won’t die alone and my single days are numbered. The right guy is going to find me when I'm living my life with purpose and clarity.
(He will, of course, have to accept my gypsy soul - a little crazy, unstable, and at home on the road. In turn, I promise to never complain that work comes first. If there was anything I learned from my previous relationships, that was it.)

I have a problem, I’m not sure if I want to come back to Darwin. I am tied to it because of visa regulations and commitments to my studies. This dilemma sucks. It makes my heart sink. I’ve felt trapped the last couple of months, but I have to keep my eyes on the horizon and plan the future. I love Australia, It feels like home, my ‘cup of tea”, my blood type, my dreamland (my native country never felt like that). I  feel like I belong and I shall not screw my stay in here.

Nevertheless, Darwin’s lifestyle exhausts me. The heat, the people, the school, and the long hours at work doing the same monotonous tasks. Fascinatingly, I found myself over-exercising in the last 2-3 months and also over-eating. At the moment I am unable to do either. 

Although the most exercise I do in Adelaide is walking up and down the stairs in this airbnb house in Unley, I am relaxed and still shedding weight. I miss feeling fit though. Ralf suggested planks - I'll give it a shot! To borrow his own description of himself - there’s definitely a fat girl living in this body who wants to eat everything at all times, watch netflix all day, not move, then sleep and become skinny in the process.
Self-discipline is key! Let's pray for it.


Sunday, December 31, 2017

I guess it's a New Year's resolution

Update on my decision for celibacy before meeting the man I'll happily fall in love with, be able to imagine as my loving and protective husband, who will be just as crazy about us and determined to stay with me and make love to me for as long as we make sense to each other:

Yep, I still stand by it.

Without any pretense - I find it incredibly hard at times. I’ve always had a naturally high sexual appetite, tremendous curiosity regarding the body and physicalities, and I get so horny just before my period…

I nearly made a mistake last week and hooked up with Thor, nearly, but fate stepped in. The next day I spoke with my sister about possibly making an exception, since T. is a previous sex partner, and “we are still in 2017….”
No. She had the most well-meant arguments on the planet, and her brutal cutting off my wings sent me back to reality. However, as a result, it brought back my self-esteem.

I don’t need to fuck every time I feel lonely.

Today, I’m standing in my power and just as my sis reminded me, I'm being aware of the sweet fruits this cautiousness regarding my sex-life shall bring. When I finally meet the one I’ve been longing for, he’ll receive my waiting body as an added bonus to my super-duper awesome personality. It is so sad to waste my gifts in a casual bed-buddy thing, where the other party doesn’t care about what everything I’m made of. If I take myself for granted - they can, too. 
If I knew what I deserved, I appreciated and loved myself - why shouldn’t they?

This is the time for a new approach.
I forgave myself for that momentary weakness experienced last week. In fact, I'm glad - I learned a lot!

Thank you, my sister, for acting as my guide and re-directing me to the path I chose when I had a clear head and a clear vision for my future relationship.
I loved it!

Happy new year! 
May 2018 be our best year yet x
(I know, it is quite contingent)

Thursday, December 28, 2017


A quick update.

I didn’t do anything special around Christmas. I worked in the shop on Christmas Eve and on Boxing Day, so no 'Orphan party' either. Also, as every year, I made the obligatory call to my parents.

To treat myself on my well-deserved day off, the Christmas Day, I didn’t care about becoming a lazy, chubby blob and I moved only from the bed to the fridge and back to the bed. Happy times!

That was exactly what I planned.

Or maybe not, as in the middle of all that snacking, napping and Netflix watching, I decided to finish my school assignment, and…. invite Mike for a dinner of frozen peas. [cooked].

Anyone else would be busy with their families.
Mike accepted. Tidying his shed probably didn’t seem as interesting as sampling a very vegan meal from a Czech girl dressed like a Wonderwoman on a hot Christmas Day.

Mike is a guy who gave me a lift four months ago when I was a bit stranded on the highway, waiting in the heat for the next bus coming in half an hour.
He introduced me to the Jungle house, where I met all the lovely backpackers, and then some, who consequently became my new Darwin family.
I stopped hanging out with Mike due to his pathological impunctuality. Enough said, we started texting and mending the friendship about a month ago. My life has been a whirlwind since so we didn’t get the chance to meet up before this Monday the 25th.

Sadly, this guy will never change. He came 20 minutes late with such a lousy excuse. I said nothing.
I just deleted him from my phone.

I'm kidding. However, there's definitely no need to see him again!
One might think that I was being 'generous' because of the spirit of Christmas - and - I’m cringing now - because what if I was?

I actually hate that Christmas’ pretentiousness.
I hate it with a passion.
A childhood memory of a mother putting on a fake smile: 
“It’s Christmas”.“Let’s do this for the kids.”
Hm.Let’s do this for Mike?

I have no regrets. Halfway through my napping day, I simply didn’t feel like facing Christmas through to the end all alone.
Moreover, Mike sensed and respected my need for rest and privacy and left soon after the dinner. All felt cool and friendly between us, which made me believe that any residues of a bad karma got smoothed out.

And that’s me and Christmas. We’re done. No more 'celebrating' in the years to come.
Unless I have kids. (?)

For the record, it’s a Christian holiday. If we believe in Jesus (I do), let’s go to the church, or let's not; let's act like Jesus would - spreading the love, joy and generosity the whole year around. If not, admit we're hypocrites. 
If we narrow 'family and giving' only to a single day, I don't know, but to me it's like acting as foolish, pretentious robots. 
Why do we celebrate 'family and giving' only on Christmas if we don't believe in Christianity or - which is even sadder, if we don't feel like it any other time of the year?
I guess that it must be some unquestionable tradition! Smiley face.

Thursday, December 14, 2017

Weird Love Triangle (me, my pushbike, and food)

I'm sitting by the Lake Alexander and writing this post instead of meeting my assignment deadline or, clearly, going to a body pump class, cleaning the kitchen, finding a roommate, planning my school break and all the other things. But I am sorting my shit out over here. Sort of.

Minutes before storming out of the apartment, grabbing my push bike,  and frantically pedaling for as long as 
took to feel better about myself and my metabolism, I indulged in another of my random food binges. There is definitely nothing wrong with me. 
We all eat only celery sticks the first half of the day so in the second half of the day, in a hunger-trance, we can open (and eat at once) all the potato chips and chocolate cookies that we stashed away for Christmas, right? Hm, maybe not.

I suppose that not everyone is as unhealthily food and weight-obsessed as I am. This is no longer about food though.

It seems as though my promise of celibacy is not going very smooth. In the evenings, I watch Brooklyn 9-9 and imagine Adam Samberg's big mouth all over every part of my body... he's hot, but I might be overdoing this.
In The Accountant, Ben Affleck brought some memories of Ralf's facial features. Ben's spectacles, nerdy looks and politely brief responses gave me the conviction that he must have rehearsed that role based on observations of R's intellectual demeanor. R is not a nobody after all. At least not for me.
Somewhere, I read that actors study hard for their roles, they have to learn new skills, observe and take inspiration from others. Ben's possible stalking of clever people would make sense.
I'm floating in my fantasies, the chin dimple gets me every time,  and..
Then I overeat, because having something in my mouth makes me feel kinda blissed out, too.

That brings me to another actor.

The backpacker in 
Aquarius. Fond of whiskey and healing from a break-up. Shall we call him Aquarius? A Poker Face? Or a Little Bird? I still want to sleep with him, but when I got the chance last week at Larissa's goodbye party, I decided to turn around and make a disheveled, drunken escape on my bike. I'm surprised how brave I felt at 3am, totally under the influence of alcohol, cycling through pitch black tropical bushes to reach my home. True, it was only a couple of minutes away and it felt really cool.

I confessed my remorse over that finished romance to our mutual friend, Thor. He suggested an open communication... 

Of course, how did I not think of it one more time? - A communication, this wonderful premise of a resolution one day, someday!
Oh wait, could Thor be suggesting a threesome?
Once I'm done with abstaining from sexual activity and if I'm still single, of course.
But, come on, Little Birdie doesn't communicate!

Regardless of the past, I truly want, and I'm ready for, a lasting and loving relationship. Something tells me that - ehm - my mind doesn't have the answers. I might be unstable at times, but I have so much love to give and I want to share my life with someone.
I want to wake up and smell a man's skin next to mine.

I started loving men like nothing else. It's my own self-love that made it possible to find and give love to other people.
However, I am still a work in progress. I judge, I fear, and I am paranoid. According to R., I'd like to be overpowered, but I don't trust males. Yes, I don't. That's why my romantic relationships suck. I'm preparing a 'master/slave' post, wait for it!

I need new career and relationship goals up on my vision board and a sharp focus now. I think that a whole month of January without alcohol would go nicely hand in hand with my sexual deprivation. Um - celibacy, I meant, a holy celibacy.
Thor will hold me accountable for not drinking in January at all. He's experienced in abstaining from alcohol ever since forever.
And then I'll do my best to do the same for R. We're only training now.
Something to look forward to!

Tuesday, December 5, 2017

Meeting Ralf again

Nine hours to go before the Hayhouse book proposal deadline.
What will I write?
Yes, you heard me... "will", not "did".
Ok, I've written so much ever since the August workshop in Sydney but it seems as if no text quite conveys my truth. What exactly is my truth? What is my message? I've been asking myself this for the past few weeks.
I think I've got to send something. I'd rather regret doing it than not doing it - as with everything!

Last week was full-on. I flew from Darwin to Brisbane to meet up with those who matter. I saw my friends, my past clients and the object of my infatuation since one year ago, Ralf. It was his treat to fly me over for another of his brief annual visits.

First, I met up with a male friend (an ex-friend, wait for it) who travels back and forth between Sydney and Brisbane. He coincidentally contacted me just two days prior my trip and asked to restore our friendship. He was a business coach and I was a Tantric coach. Our regular sessions benefited both for many months while I lived in Brisbane, but due to his slightly overstepping the "code of conduct" during our last meeting in June, I had to ditch him.
Don't most men hope to become a lover one day, someday, or just for a day? 
It took a day to figure his motives. I am not interested in more than business. But this Sydney based coach and I can't work together anymore, and neither can our past collaboration ever turn into a real friendship.

Then I saw Ralf. A super-kind, talented, intelligent, elegant and sexy being. Last year, his presence, the way he treated me and all the long-distance follow-up messaging led me away from the post-breakup self-loathing towards a holistic recovery
My ex just seemed so small in comparison with Ralf. 

Him - that guy - my ex - (God bless him) he mirrored my own smallness, my living without integrity, my fearing of authentic self-expression, not appreciating life's gifts, my lying and sabotaging my success with toxic deeds. For too long, I obsessed about him and what he did. My unconscious self-destructive reasons did a great job distracting me from changing what I didn't like about myself.
Distractions disappeared, and I journeyed to a private hell and back to emerge more whole than ever before.
I can't underestimate the fatal meeting with Ralf one year ago, for it had triggered a new desire - to work hard on myself and thus attract better-suited men into my life. 

Still nerdily sexy, Ralf entertained me with his mindful actions and provoking opinions. I love when a man hosts and takes care of everything. R. is that man, plus a true gentleman with a kinky side.
I learned a little bit more about R's character this time. Unsurprisingly, I might have not paid enough attention last year.

I observed that although an Earth Angel, Ralf (too) fails to recognize his true nature and appreciate himself for his talents in this lifetime. He might acknowledge that he is the "Agent of change" for many people, the person capable of lifting others up to their potential, but he cannot see burning out in the process of giving. When there's no energy left for own upliftment, how else to recharge an introvert who's paid to be an extrovert, other than with booze?
I learned that, seemingly confident, R. shies away from unconditional self-love and self-nurturing practices; advocating loving kindness, but not implementing it on his own being. I, too, needed to learn that I was a good person, and worthy of putting myself first. We are not helping anyone if we're not happy.
And yes, even angels and catalysts of change have issues.
I get humbled by R.'s humility and concerned by his self-sabotage. Did I pass on the nasty self-doubting bug during our last year's hug? Did I infect him with melancholy through the friendly kiss in 2016? 

I did my best to pass on some love and light this time, during our... ehm... discussions... about celibacy....[naked].
My favorite breakfast dish got a whole new meaning ever since having eaten it while Ralf - [deleted for moderation] - . I won't look at porridge the same way for a long, long time. True, my brekki felt quite sexy this morning, I wonder why.
And I still keep celibate.

Anyway, below are some of my favorite posts where I acknowledged this human being for playing my angel last year, for inspiring me, helping me workwise, and awakening my desire for intellectual stimulation.

Until next year...!

Saturday, November 25, 2017

Getting what through celibacy?

Sleepless nights are often the body's way of telling us that we have been lying to ourselves. Perhaps living in a stubborn denial of the truth? Worries are lies too. The pictures in our heads are not real and not guaranteed to happen.
Regarding myself, the only noticeably annoying thing about not sleeping enough is how much I want to eat the next day. A lot! 

I felt full of energy on Thursday night, thinking about the past and future, drifting back, floating forward, then freaking over my beating heart. The ungraspable anxiety shook my little core a little too much that time. I wasn’t sure whether my panic lasted a few minutes or a few hours. 
The evening prior, I was unpacking and restocking at the store where I work, I cycled back home 7km, tried to resist the midnight hunger pangs and went to bed exhausted but somewhat puzzled as I always do at that early morning hour. Normally, I would have been fast asleep at that time. Last night, I interrupted the familiar biorhythm, minutes turned into hours, I twisted and turned, then around 3am I got up and had a snack, since dinner was ages ago.
I felt comforted. 

Nevertheless, at 5am I was calling my sister on WhatsApp. A surprise for her to hear me at that hour! It was the evening in Prague, she was shopping for some dinner while singing me a lullaby… The next time I looked at my phone, the screen flashed 9am.
I got up, toasted some sourdough, and scooped peanut butter from the jar straight into my mouth.

Our thoughts are like little monkeys. They're running around, smashing things, making fun of each other and consequently driving us mad.
Sometimes, it’s so hard to distinguish which monkey is the leader and which one causes the most mess.

In my case, is it the monkey who is worried about making the wrong financial move next week? 
Is it the monkey who keeps laughing at my naivety regarding the men in my life, at my co-dependence regarding toxic relationships and friendships?
Or is it the monkey who keeps nagging and entertaining me with the idea of celibacy?  

A confession: This year I have slept with 5 men. In hindsight, it is the lowest annual number since I started being sexually active, but - the but is what counts - the highest since I quit my previous, self-abusive, life. Let me explain. The two significant sexual changes I made in my life turned everything I knew about me upside down - when I went from promiscuous to somewhat professional, and from professional to 'ordinary' lost girl looking for a relationship (perhaps somewhere around the clumsy attempt with my ex). But I'm still clumsy!

My ex triggered the craving for a meaningful sex, but I didn't know how to go about it. Should I search for it, push it, or does it develop on its own?

Today, I ask myself: Have I ever made a commitment to myself? 

Did I stop sleeping around because I wanted to focus on getting more out of life, or because I felt through with men and full of resentment?
Did I start working and being of service to others because I cared about them, or because I wanted to escape my own longing for love and healing?

Sadly, it’s always been the latter.
I slept with those five handsome men because I felt lonely, possibly not good enough and I needed to prove myself that I could seduce whomever I wanted.
I also slept with those random men this year because I could. Because I know that I am attractive, able to snap my fingers and they’ll come running to my bed. 

I don't want to do that anymore.
The most recent time I’ve done such thing, about two weeks ago, I crossed the line.
I decided that it was about time to have sex with my fairly new Darwin friend before he leaves for good. Yes, he happens to be beautiful - physically and spiritually. Not only he faintly resembles Thor, the God of Thunder, but he also always means well.
However, since we slept together, I have not been feeling good. Good about myself, the twisted decision, and neither do I feel particularly good about him as a person.
(Just another sexy man taking advantage of a no-strings-attached shag. 
Well, I 'offered' and we both must have seen that coming.) 

Assessing the events of the last two, three months, taking up a lover who had a drinking problem and strings attached to his latest ex, then disposing of him because of my fears of rejection, only to be drowning in total anxiety soon after, contemplating leaving Darwin, then actually trying a different guy in bed, just in case he would leave Darwin earlier than I would. Which he did.

These unplanned, mildly egoistic and not very thoughtful affairs could get out of control.
Now, I am where I started one year ago. Alone and not looking.
I'm just looking forward to Ralf visiting Brisbane soon. Hahah!

I need to commit to myself before I see him again. My secret lolita persona could make a big fat mistake. I suspect it is just my monkey mind playing tricks on me though. I have no desire to take our year-long, long-distance fascination any further. Plus, 
I know, I know, he’s married, and all that.

There is something interesting about the articles about celibacy that my sister sent me… To be honest, I’d been contemplating this before we began discussing it.

I’ve had a lot of sex in my life and many bouts of depression. Could that be related?

I’m only just starting to come back to myself after the latest escapade with my friend. I don’t have to be giving my power away, hoping for a connection, yet losing the track of where I want to be heading. I must hard-work my way to better self-esteem, positive attitude, and expect new results in my life if only I focus on strengthening my boundaries.
Making love exclusively to myself and God for as long as it takes sounds actually quite great.
Can I commit to myself for a whole year, having no distractions, and thus, eventually, get what I want?

Sex has never been it. I could list exactly what followed with these five men in details - Nothing. It was going nowhere.

The orgasms I got, were just orgasms. I can give them to myself, and guess what, much better!

If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done…
Food for thought.

Wednesday, November 15, 2017

The Benefits of Making Commitments

I’m listening to Deya Dova and imagining that I’m dancing at the Flow festival in Western Australia which is due in two weeks. I won't make my way over there, but as you can imagine, I’m up for grooving in my living room anytime.

The post today is about “making commitments” with regards to achieving the grandeur goals, completing our karma, and learning new life lessons - totally individualistic and changeable as we grow.

The script of my life was set very early - unstable home - tending to choose the flight response as opposed to fighting. Later, my fears became more specific: the threat of no home, the fear of rejection and non-acceptance.
So I kept running and running…hoping to escape my fears of impending demise, or finding out that I wasn't worthy of help.

Panic attacks crept up slowly and steadily and stayed for some time.

I found it so damn hard to live in one place, committing to one full-time job, staying in one relationship that was evolving into a deep intimacy, or sticking to a decision to grow in an easy and loving way.

Yes, all those can be forms of commitments. Are we ready to learn through love, or we continue learning through fear and doubt?

What do I think are my lessons, the challenges, to be embraced now at 30 years old:

  • To see things through to the end.
  • To stay.
  • To ground.
  • To make commitments.
  • To create my own home and stability.
  • To live my life authentically, focused on love, and not acting upon the fears in my head.

The moment I made the commitment to stay in Darwin despite hardships, I found a job. More importantly, when I signed up for a year-long membership in a ladies-gym-only, my new Australian student visa came through.
Three long months of uncertainty are over!

The question that bugs my mind is: 

Can we make commitments and still feel free?

One of the best quotes ever:

“Man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains.”
- Jean-Jacques Rousseau

I feel in chains when something’s set in stone, when there is a ceiling to how much I can make, when I need to comply with visa conditions, when I need to commit to memberships, when I see a monotonous environment for too long, when I’m threatened by penalties for taking my time, when a guy’s clearly with me just so he has regular sex but I’m headed towards dependency, when I can’t modify my circumstances due to the political and economic systems, when I need to stick with things to see results in ages to come… shit!
Ever heard of immediate gratification? Or of a room for a surprising turn of events? Perhaps just a permission to breathe in peace, and believing in miracles just around the corner. It is a funky stuff. Commitments scare the shit out of me :(

“I prefer liberty with danger than peace with slavery.”
― Jean-Jacques Rousseau

In my opinion, we need to create our own freedom in everything that we think, feel and do. That is our responsibility. This is not the age of slavery, unless we let it be so.

What are the benefits of making commitments? Why do I feel like I need to start making them?

“If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you've never done.”
― Thomas Jefferson

Let's say that:

  • A degree wouldn’t just turn up around the corner. It takes at least three years…
  • Long-term memberships tend to save money over time.
  • Pay-raise is not immediate - we need to demonstrate great skills and loyalty to the company.
  • Relationships don’t happen overnight. They evolve in a matter of weeks, months, years…
  • The commitment to a healthy lifestyle yields positive results after having adopted it for a few months at least.

Sometimes, we just have to commit to ourselves and our wellbeing, not to someone or something else.
If we commit and stay, we are likely to find something valuable that would otherwise be inaccessible while on the run.
Traveling is great, but it cannot last forever. 70 and still homeless, sleeping by the fire, heating up beans, and flirting with 18-year-old backpackers every night? Alright, maybe the last bit.

Good luck with making commitments!

Monday, November 6, 2017

Life pushes us forward #sexualhealing

Oops, I have missed my blog's birthday! My very first post was on 25th October 2016.

We are officially 1 year old! Yay.

And we are healed. From the break up with Him. That's all. There's still a lot of shit to be gotten through.

I never claimed to be an enlightened, perfect Guru.
I'm not so vain to worry about admitting that my mind is still a mess sometimes!

However, my instability is not due to the breakup that occured 20 months ago and compelled me to vent my anger and sadness on this blog. I got over it. I love Him as a friend, a human being; we still have common friends, I'll probably come to visit him around Christmas, we might take a bath together, but we won't sleep with each other, neither we'll make plans for the future. Thus, life will go on. 
I feel like I was born a little messed up so it makes my life more interesting that way!

It doesn't matter if you agree with the expression "Everything happens for a reason" or you hate it to bits, it is essentially true. You just have to find your own "why", and see the reason with courage. Everything that happens in life pushes you forward onto the next step, the next path, the next life.
Even for banal things that we don't think about, like: "the sun goes down every night", there is a reason (other than physics) : It's time to go to bed and get ready for a new day.

Bad things happen to us so we break and shatter into pieces. Then we start again, we make changes, we unravel, emerge, burst, embark upon something new, we must move on...

Therefore, I am doing my best to help others where I helped myself. Here comes an idea for my new project:


Hello Ladies,
My name is Pavlina, I am a member of Fernwood Fitness, a sex educator, holistic practitioner, Tantra therapist and a life coach.

I empower women with regards to their sexuality. I am developing a program where I help women heal their relationship to their bodies and their sexuality, as a preparation for an international certification in Sexological Bodywork™.

I am looking for volunteer women who feel they may be sexually repressed, they suffered sexual abuse in the past, have a love/hate relationship with their bodies, battle with sexual shame and guilt, or unsuccessfully try to heal their relationship to men (and the divine masculine).

I offer three free sessions with me (total 3 hours) in exchange for a feedback (survey) and an anonymous testimonial on my website.

The sessions include absolute confidentiality, unconditional love and support, non-judgmental listening, emotional freedom techniques and also a hands-on Tantric therapy - a body massage to help you reconnect with your body, harmonize your chakras and open up the energetic channel between your earthly realm (shakti energy) and the spiritual realm (shiva energy).

Although profound results are not guaranteed after just three sessions, it should still bring you happiness and feelings of wellbeing. If you wanted to step beyond your comfort zone even further, I would be delighted to offer a reduced rate for continuing our sessions weekly, coaching you until you reach your desired outcome. This is a one time opportunity!

If this is something that interests you, please text me to arrange your first hour of free consultation conducted either at my home, a short walk from Fernwood, or at your chosen place.

You may also check my website:

I look forward to hearing from you!