Monday, April 23, 2018

When Matthew McConaughey talks like God

If you have 5-6 minutes, please watch this video. 
Matthew's insight blew my mind for one simple reason - It spoke to my soul. 

I often struggle to see who EXACTLY I am - or should be (yes, the latter is BS.)
Getting clear about who EXACTLY I was NOT, however, has caused many breakthroughs throughout my life and helped mobilize me towards the direction of who I wanted to be. 

For example, I knew I loved traveling and dancing. Working as an exotic dancer all over the world did the trick for a while - but one day I woke up and I knew that it wasn't me anymore. Identities change, but the desire to live happily remains. What would follow next wasn't as important as the realization that I couldn't stay where I was.
"The process of elimination" as Matthew calls it, has been far more powerful in creating more of what I wanted, than staying where I didn't belong whilst figuring out where I did.

Wednesday, April 18, 2018


Yesterday, hours before being released from the full-time mum's prison, I would have written something like this:

Children… How could I've ever considered that option at all?
Perhaps my idealistic personality...
Maybe society and media...
My grandmother.

The reality is that some women are better off not having children.

In fact, the unborn souls must be better off not being born to these women.
I might be one of those not-so-fit-for-motherhood women.

I am impatient and selfish. (To sound like Marylin Monroe, I should also add: a little insecure)

I am no mum.

Raising children is a huuuuuge commitment.
A day to day full-time job with hardly any breaks (even during the toilet one you’re seldom alone.)
It gets super-boring at times and sometimes you just wish you could run away or be killed.

Let alone how frustrating little kids are - like dealing with dumb people!
It is true though. For the first few years of raising children, you’ll be dealing with stupid little people.
They’ll make a mess everywhere and you’ll be their maid.
They’ll do the opposite of what you say.
They’ll feel entitled to all that their ID wants.
You’ll have to explain everything a hundred times and then answer every 'why'. 

E. g. : “Why is it so light outside?”

“because the sun is out”

“but why”

“because it’s the day and not the night”


“because the planet is spinning and now we are turned to the sun.”

“but why?”


The subsequent years, when they grow up and will think for themselves, they most likely won’t speak to you at all.

I e-mail my parents once in 2 months.
Yes, some contact still must be nice for them and maybe my sister and I still manage to make our parents feel proud some days - 

Oops, would I miss out on the 'proud side' of parenthood if childless?? 
Is that why people have children - to feel proud that they conceived a pride-worthy human being? 
All in all, my clients make me feel proud, plus we can have a decent conversation together at any time.

I love those little girls. I love to cuddle them or dance with them, even consoling them on occasions. P. and B. are kind, sweet and gorgeous and I’m sure they’ll do their best to grow up into amazing women.

But now they are too small, stupid and a bloody hard work.

B.: "Look I did a wee-wee with a poo in it!" - shuffling the potty under my nose.
B.: "What room is this?"

"P.'s bedroom." (P. is B.'s little sister who just woke up from her afternoon nap.)

B.:"Wow, it’s pretty!"  
As if she’s never seen it before.

Painting B.'s nails again:
"Don't touch anything, keep your hand on the table for a minute." Immediately, she starts fidgeting and touching everything else.
"Look! It’s scratched!!!! " then she begins to whine and haul….

P. suddenly smashes B.'s lunch plate off the table. 

B. starts a tantrum.
Every food or a plate P. gets into her hand she drops on the floor. Never a toy, but food. Ideally, something that can’t be picked up and restored, but something mashy and sauced up it’s best.

When I put them in the bathtub to play with their water toys and little cups etc., generally, that goes quite well. Sometimes, however, little P. takes a plastic jug and decides to carry all the water out of the tub onto the floor...

If I start to skip and tell B. to move away, she deliberately runs into me.
I tell her that she can’t skip because she'd hurt herself. She starts screaming and fighting with me before she runs back into the house to hide herself.

OMG, can they cry! They both cry at least 5 times per hour!

If they don’t cry, they chase one another around the table screeching like rats.

Looking after the girls the first half of the day before their dad comes back is doable only because it is temporary. Their mum has been away for a few days but she's returning soon. It has been full on. By now I got the gist of it and I am myself surprised how well I’m doing with them. Regardless, I see that I have no capacity to do this again and again and definitely not in the near future with children of my own.

I guess that God brought me this situation so I can sensibly assess my abilities..
I can’t play a mother.

Not even now when I’m nearing 31 years. I can have kids here and there but please, not full time! Had I decided to have a kid at the same age my mum did, they would have been 7 years old now. I just can’t imagine…You might be wondering, while condemning this loose woman, where will I give back to make the world a better place?

My answer: Grown up humans.
I can’t see why I would bring another little person into this world -  what for? We keep breeding, but the world is already full of children and some will grow up fucked up.

Face it, people. There is a massive chance that your kids will grow up into fucked up adults who’ll one day scream in your face: “I didn’t ask you to have me!”

Not all of them. Some might become your best friends and you’ll feel like a million dollars. Perhaps it is because your other, unrelated, friends don’t quite have enough time for you.

Some children might grow up the next Einstein or Picasso. That would be cool.

I’m not sure if I trust my genes enough to birth someone extraordinary - so do I want another monster constantly behind my back? No.

I am going to keep striving to make a difference in the lives of those who are already aware of their damaged selves, or they might feel just fine but need a bit of spice in their life. 

This current adult society creates a future for our current children. It starts with us - the call for an internal change, conscious behavior and educating those grown-ups who might be lost but ready to find themselves.



Nah, looking after the kids wasn't  s o  b a d! 
Do you need my help again? - A n y t i m e!
To have my own children? 
Aah... who knows what's waiting around the corner, r i g h t?!

I guess we tend to see stuff brighter the next day.
Their mum arrived in the morning, I got the kids out of bed, but then I was free to do as I pleased. We all had a lovely afternoon at the Howard Springs in spite of the girls behaving just as naughty as always.

Children... I guess it's one of those decisions you can't think about too much. Otherwise, the human race would stand a chance of becoming extinct!

Own kids or not, I will always be grateful for having found such a great family. x

Sunday, April 8, 2018

What is it like having fun as a celibate?

I'm still not sure how best to word what I'm feeling regarding my last year's decision: Not to date. Not-dating makes things much more simple!
Going celibate mid of November was the best spiritual decision I could fashion for my wellbeing. I admit that I've made a couple of not so wise choices shortly afterward or got too close to breaking that promise to myself - but hey, no one said that winning over a form of addition would be easy! 
I was addicted to distracting myself from doing my own deep inner work by jumping into superficial affairs. I focused too much on others, especially men.
When the withdrawal symptoms ceased (February), I finally began to enjoy finding my own voice. Welcome, A Balanced Life!

I've made similar choices in the past already: I would stop socializing in order to avoid potential idiots breaking my heart, I would punish myself with a 3-4 month celibacy to prove to my ex that I could do it and was better than him (I hated it), and I would abstain from sex here and there when literally afraid of or disgusted by 'all men'. It never lasted long enough because the motivation never dealt with the real reason for my need to recoup. It wasn't men!

The past decisions seemed insincere; and therefore, wobbly. Perhaps the conscious focus on abstinence and - suffering - was just another excuse to stagnate in creating the life I always wanted. I didn't abstain for myself, but for someone else or out of a fear.
This is not the case this time.
I adore and love men. I know my life would be incomplete if I didn't have someone to share it with (it could be a woman actually, who knows).
This year, however, the focus is on restoring my body&mind connection, self-esteem and personal will, and finally creating the kind of career I would love. I am still not clear on the details regarding the latter, but I am in ACTION. Of course - I wait for a divine guidance too, but meanwhile, I'm also remembering to live.

Last night after work, I had a spontaneous drink with someone relentless but quite charming. I know that "receiving" comes into life in many forms so I accepted the offer for a free drink (or two). I  planned to ride off home shortly afterward. 
A good reason to leave turned up just in time for my bedtime. The guy looked so shocked upon hearing me say that the next drink he may get me, as he was so keen, would be just some water. He thought I was taking the piss. 
"Because I don't want to wake up with a hangover. Do you like hangovers??" 
"No I hate it. So what do you want?"
"You are zero fun"
I thought: What am I still doing here...?
"See ya!"

The best part is that the lad didn't even manage to get my phone number before I run off. Excellent night. My evening shift was fun, the drinks and karaoke later were fun... 
Celibacy, not dating, but still having a bit of social life is working like a charm for my freedom-minded personality!

When November 2018 rolls around, I will probably be still single.
Will I go maniacal
Of course not, it's been a few days short of 5 months already and I'm not deprived nor starved; the opposite. I want more of this!
It only just started to be interesting.

Friday, March 30, 2018

When life makes sense

Around 7pm last night the house didn't exhibit any sounds. An ideal opportunity to burn off the biscuits, chocolates and whatever else I keep stealing from the kids. I danced and used their trampoline for my cool workout all alone in peace.

Some of you might have read that I began to look after my friend's little girls part-time. I moved into their house to make it easier for all of us. So, in fact, I am around the kids nearly all the time! OMG.
I must have been out of my mind when making that decision - Hurray!

Change your brain, change your life; Break up with the old self, change your behavior - start producing new emotions and create new thought patterns... I might as well have children of my own one day! 

Do I want to have kids? Ah, that is a topic I might get back to and divulge more details about later.

In short, I am very happy where I live now. Lena is an amazing woman and friend and her girls are little adorable devils that I love very much. In fact, I am so elated. Sometimes it feels as if I have a family again. Since I am scheduled to relocate for school and business in a month, I started entertaining second thoughts. Why did I have to start feeling as if I belonged just before going away? This house is both a homecoming and a temporary-solution for everyone involved. I can’t do no wrong. I think. I could easily stay here. 
I am just too great with change. Thus, taking a risk by focusing only on my career and moving to where there is more demand for my services sounds exhilarating.
Anyway, I trust that what needs to be done will be done. No one in Darwin bothers to execute decisions swiftly.

As I'm jumping up and down on the trampoline to a classic 90's r'n'b playlist (R Kelly, Next, TLC and likes), overlooking the palm-tree tops, observing a beautiful orange hue on the horizon and the rising near-full moon, I experience a very exciting sensation that my life is finally making sense. One might describes it as living in the moment, feeling into the present conditions, noticing the surroundings as part of my being, not knowing where I end and the Universe begins.... or you might call it a focused effort on growing into a responsible adult who does anything possible to cope, be useful and loved in life and therefore, feels quite content.

I am not a ‘having-it-all-figured-out' kinda superwoman. I still have a small dose of anxiety with my morning coffee or matcha tea every day; I am a sucker for making sweet breakfast which I shouldn't, I fight snacking all day long, I plan to figure out digital marketing once and for all, should write more, feel guilty for procrastinating, think about fitting in a real exercise in the evening, and in the end settling for a glass of wine and Netflix.
Yoga Nidra meditation helps me drift off to sleep around midnight or later, despite knowing too well that I'm getting out of bed very early in the morning.

In spite of not being perfect, I just finished a little e-book/blueprint on getting out of depression, including hacks for more freedom in life - It made me so proud. I'm waiting for having it proof-read and hear opinions of those who matter. Anyone interested in getting the rough copy before I manage to put it out there? :)

Yesterday, I believed that my life made sense. I'd like to remember that sensation forever. It requires a lot of effort to act in congruence with our highest values and best vision for ourselves. But it's damn worth it.

My life is not without flaws. I’m still learning to spend less and save more, I'm behind on my school assessments and I've put on a kilo or two since snacking on 'kid's foods’ (That has got to stop, seriously).

But joy lives in this house and definitely in my room, my comfy bed and the table desk that's witnessing my new crazy projects.

Ask yourself - 
Am I living in accordance with my deepest truth?
If not, what can I do so my life would make sense again?

It is my wish that people stop pleasing others before they please themselves.

With love,

Monday, March 19, 2018

Check-in or check out ? #Darwin

It’s time to check in. Literally.

I escaped to Brisbane earlier last week and was due to fly back to Darwin that Saturday. Little did I know that Darwin would enter a cyclone watch and all Saturday’s flights would get cancelled. 

Dear Virgin airlines had been warning me all Friday evening while I was partying with my girls Lauren and Hollis and not quite registering those messages. However, “your flight was rescheduled” rang a little alarm bell prompting me to open the message and call the number right away.

What? Sunday and Monday flights are sold out and the next available flight is 12 hour long through Adelaide and Alice Springs? You’re kidding me? My visa is at stakes!

I was being quite serious. I could‘t imagine missing yet another Monday and Tuesday class... what if they’d dispell me?! But not getting to school on time seemed inevitable one way or the other.

Being an old rebel or just an impulsive mad woman, I asked for a full refund and used my Virgin credit to fly to Perth instead.

So here I am in one of my most favorite cities in Australia, feeling guilty for missing my classes, when I receive a message from my friend Taylor : “BCA is closed today for power outage.”

A few hours later I get a message from BCA itself - “We will be closed until a further notice. Expecting to open on Thursday.”


Once I said to our hot teacher that I was a psychic. Now I can totally own that.

Always follow your dreams. The Universe will take care of the rest.

I am ready to go back to Darwin soon though. I started looking after two little girls and I am - shockingly - missing them too much!