Saturday, May 26, 2018

Doing it wrong

My embodying of the feminine went oh so wrong...

I can’t be one or the other, especially not without the approval of the other.
That means - the feminine and masculine polarities within every human body should cooperate to create one happy person.

Wanting to leave an identity where I was passive in many ways in order to feel more 'independent’- was a broken-masculine decision. My inner man wanted to take charge with good intentions so the feminine could flourish in more authentic ways; however, the inner man took over completely.
Consequently, I abandoned my playful feminine spirit but went on a quest to become more feminine - how bizarre was that!

... now I’m asking my inner woman for forgiveness. I see the need for my light masculine to step forward because I can’t embody my femininity without it. This male side of mine always only wanted the best for me: To be protected, safe, have abundance, and enjoy myself... instead, I turned my back to ‘all things controlling and men-like’ and decided to rebel by putting on weight, not letting anyone get close to me, and perhaps acting like a frigid nun. So not like the playful, receiving, energetic Goddess. 

Yesterday, a revelation brought me to a surprising conclusion that instead of trying to fix the feminine by vigorously focusing on doing it ‘right’, I should focus on healing my underestimated masculine…The side of me that I perceived as inherently dark, represented by all the men who hurt me in the past. However, my light masculine is the most beautiful man on the planet! It is that voice that tells me: "Yes, go for it... play..."

My dark masculine maybe doesn’t want to socialize per se, tends to act like a grandfather or a little paranoid control-freak, but that’s ok.
My light feminine - that which likes to go out sometimes to lose herself in a dance to an old-school R'n'B, could use a help of a masculine attribute of protectiveness.

My dark feminine, on the other hand, can be way too nasty to herself, comparing, angry, overeating, overindulging, overspending and still hates all means of control… but it is getting to a place where she does see the need for emotional balance, humility and self-discipline.

The trick is to accept all those dark and light corners of our personality so we may create the person we always wanted to become - and be with.
The help of my stable and protective masculine, that is what I need now.

I used to love reading David Deida’s books. He was the first to introduce me to the dynamics of masculine and feminine energies in relationships. I feel so glad that I have the tools to stop the madness. (My madness.)

I believe that we cannot know the true meaning of a woman or a man until we experience fully all their light and dark. In the same way, we cannot know love until we know its lack. 

What do you need to shine a light on now?

Have a nice weekend! xxx

Saturday, May 19, 2018

How thoughts make us unhappy

...and why I’m so over it.

You might have heard before 
that identifying with our thoughts leads to nowhere… but have you noticed - really noticed - the difference it makes once you stop thinking and take the leap of faith?

I am not talking about courage, but about a whole new way of being.

I am just a mortal…with a special connection to the divine which I feel on daily basis. That doesn’t imply that I always feel happy, safe and loved (unfortunately). There’s no guarantee that embracing my Earth Angel status protects me from getting all tangled up in the workings of the mind.
For the mind works overtime.

It is no secret on this blog that I can struggle with feelings of loneliness, disconnectedness and grief. No one should be afraid of acting authentic. I’m not. [Anymore.]

I went to the church this morning and reminisced about my oldest Brisbane friend who introduced me to the Adventists. I also remembered the LGBTI church I used to visit some Sundays in New Farm. Not 100% lesbian myself, I just wanted to be part of something.

After the service today, I came home a little disappointed - I still thought a lot about my unhappiness!
But I had a plan - helping out at the homeless meal thing would sure make me feel more connected.

I decided that I would help out at the ’Soup Kitchen’ - handing out meals to Aborigines. Oh, how much more it resonated with my heart, rather than sitting and bowing the head to the commands of a righteous priest! I enjoyed preparing the dishes and becoming a part of something bigger. 

In the end, I hugged the ‘church people’ and I felt better.
As I walked home, I noticed one of the Aborigine looking at all the clothes that she bagged for herself at the church fare. She picked up a couple of t-shirts and threw it into the bushes. My first thought was: Must be for her friends…
My second thought was: They don’t appreciate what we did at all, do they?

Anyway… that is how it goes over here.

Whatever it was that distracted me for some time during the 'Soup Kitchen', disappeared - and it would disappear regardless of me seeing the Aborigines leaving the ‘party’ and returning back to their lives unconscious….
I, too, went back to my own world - unconscious. The voice in my head started giving me shit for having privileges as a white person (however, I wouldn’t call myself precisely white). I asked God to remove the guilt. He did.

I went jog-walking and noticed my mind forever reminding me of those dreadful feelings of loneliness and not belonging no matter what I do. My mind was saying I was not 'normal' - moreover - that I didn’t want to be part of the norm - why?! 
The voice told me that if I had a normal job, I would at least stop thinking about my unhappiness. So I recalled the days when I worked for someone - and it was true. I would not think about my unhappiness so often. Why did I leave then? Because the life sucked. I would go to work, play a robot, pay the bills, pile up on the pounds, have a glass of wine every night and then some more over the weekend partying until the wee hours. And then quit in a couple of months.

I can’t do it.

I have to embrace working for myself. 
In Darwin, it is a really brave (stupid) move. Nothing at all happens some days. The other days seem like miracles, however, I need to bite my tongue sometimes and I’d rather not do it.

What is the result? I feel unstable, yet slightly more free. I’m losing weight as I have the time to prioritize spiritual nourishment, I look younger and I feel in control of my life even though the money is inconsistent.. But - I can’t relate to my hard working classmates, the locals and I think about my unhappy isolation a lot.

I jumped into the pool (not quite - it is freezing), poured in a glass of wine, and I slowly started to get it….

It is not up to my mind to stop thinking - it is up to me to stop listening to the thoughts that produce negative emotions. I decided that I wouldn’t listen anymore.
This is not about denial (keep reading)

Every time I get a thought out of nowhere - I recognize it is from something larger than me when it makes sense and it feels good. 
when I allow it to come through the filters of my own mind. I know that that is the path - that is the true me.  
I can hear voices, see things and generally know what will happen most of the time, and sadly, I just don’t believe it. What do I believe in spite of it killing me?
What do we let bring us down?

I did an exercise (not the usual water pull ups and crunches or bicycle.)
I threaded the water, opening the space ahead of me with my hands. I visualized all the obstacles lying in front of me and then waved them off and walked through. It was cool. All I pictured on the surface of the water was basically my mind-crap. All the limiting beliefs and selfish thoughts. I didn’t analyze those, I just moved my hands to get me through it! The more confidence and peace I gained throughout the exercise, the happier I felt. The type of happiness that no-one can take away from you.
Then I stopped in front of the steps leading out of the pool.

Something was waiting for me on the top of the stairs. Something great, all I’ve ever dreamed off. 
All it takes is to trust and go...
I couldn’t do it.

The moment my mind was back at works, I felt powerless and paralyzed.

How to get to the top?
It was clear to me that my mind had no GOOD answers.

I dropped back into my body - Let’s imagine and visualize, I told myself…. what was it?

"You have to work hard at happiness." popped into my mind.
"It is an everyday effort."
"You have to earn it."
"Work hard at it every day…"

Is that so…?I still couldn't move.

I started parting the water with my hands again….
Just clearing the space…
The movement took me away from identifying with the thought…

What if happiness didn’t equal struggle?
I took a step.

What if happiness was just another decision to make and then we keep our word…
I climbed another step…

With my feet still below the water…
Do I have to deserve the right to climb up the ladder?
Am I worthy?

I couldn’t move…
How to feel worthy and deserving?
Do I have to be normal first??

I opened my eyes.
I noticed a small tube that was leading into the swimming pool

"Reach out, connect, accept help… feel worthy of it…"

I touched the tube…
That move made me feel stronger to climb another step.

I sensed a feeling of bliss…

There was just one more step to go and I would be out of the swimming pool… on the top… I would finally live the joyful life I knew belonged to me...

I feel other people's suffering...
How could I feel good about my privileges?

"Don't feel guilty or ashamed - t
here is enough for everybody."
"Just be you."
"Embrace your unigueqness."
"Believe in the best version of yourself…"
"Feel worthy and loved…allow."

And so I did; I climbed out of the swimming pool.

I want to let you know - I wasn’t doing the moving… I was doing the resisting to the moving. I felt like my beliefs literally stopped me from taking a step.

There is a lot of helpful stuff in this post.

Stay with it for a while.

Thursday, May 17, 2018

Counting blessings

I love how life helps me heal naturally. It constantly strives to arrange things so they come back to equilibrium. Not overly long lows, not crazily long highs...
The cathartic moment that I witnessed last week truly changed everything. I began rewiring my brain to see the major traumatic events in my life from a place of safety. I created new nets around those moments. I consciously connected the dots to realize that these events served a good purpose. There are no more fear-filled gaps. Those gaps wanted to be brought to my attention, receive some TLC, so I could start manifesting the kind of future that doesn't resemble the traumatic past. In fact, there is no 'traumatic past' now.
Facing my demons AND embracing them shifted my perspective completely.

I listened to a couple of interviews by Marie Forleo and I felt so inspired. (link below)
Inspiration without action is nothing - not what inspiration is here for! - so I am reaching out where I need to.

Alexis Jones speaks like a fired up guru goddess. She is such an excellent speaker. 
I loved how her man inspired her to devise her talks about sexual assault prevention in such a way that the men in sport's locker rooms would actually listen.
When talking about rape in general, men feel as if being accused or guilty before any sexual deed would even cross their minds. As a result, they switch off to what has been rehashed over and over, especially in the past year. Hence, Alexis would invite these men into the conversation, inspiring their natural protectors within.
"Every man wants to be a hero," she says.

Sarah Jones (unrelated to Alexis, or Bridgette, I think), sparked so much joy in my heart. She is undoubtedly a talented actress, speaker and comedian. One can tell that she loves people. She is beautiful inside out and has a mega-compassion for other cultures and perspectives.
She says: "Being depressed does not help the movement."
It spoke to my soul.
In hindsight, the long wet months in the Northern Territory did offer some opportunities for acting in alignment with my beliefs. But I didn't.
I did not help any social, political, or feminist movement by isolating myself.
The solution, as I came to experience on my own skin, does lie in - CONNECTING.
Feeling disconnected is the right way to hell.
Again, all my past problems stemmed from a lack of communication. I believe that to be true for everybody.

I have been connecting in the past couple of weeks and I feel the difference. The world looks much better when we share our lives with others.
Why do we wait with communication until things hit rock bottom or super-heights?
We don't have to share just tears of sadness or tears of joy.
The time for sharing aspirations, fears, philosophical ruminations, memories and daily wins and loses is always the right time. Which means - it is NOW.

Most of the fears then disappear.

I, for example, don't feel lonely or cut out from my family anymore. I realized that I do not need to come back to the Czech Republic in order to feel safe and loved. I can also wait with my visit, because - we are all connected anyway. I am much better off doing something useful with myself over here at the moment and then come home victorious. I shouldn't run back to the familiar, definitely not without a purpose or as a victim. I'd prefer to win first!
I hug my mum in spirit and she knows it.

Two days ago before sleep, I felt God's/the Divine's love so intensely that it was better than a massage or being in love with a human being.
In fact, I am such a passionate person, there is a good chance that no human being would withstand my fervent fire with its unstable heat.
I am ok with that.
One year ago I would never guess that deciding to be independent and celibate for a year would fill me with so much love, gratitude and presence.
If I wasn't an energy worker, I could miss the physical merging of energy much more. Accordingly, my work with others can be a blessing at times.

I am counting my blessings and continue working on my offerings.

Link to the aforementioned videos: Here



Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Wine Wednesday #sexual_thoughts

My laptop went on strike. Since I can’t access the fancy schmancy spiritual post I wrote earlier today and need to edit now, this is a quick mobile post:

I had one futile date, one glass of red, one oily Thai dinner, two long car rides and a stomachache.
No, thank you.
Lida’s brother is just not it.
A couple of big red flags, and a few small flags.

Lida already did what she could to keep him from stalking me... but...
One kind message received when I feel low is what it takes to catch me on the hook.
Not sure if he knew about the drama in my house last week, but he offered me a room in his empty 4-bed house.
Not too bad... except, it won’t be just for a rent - not that cheap! I learned that he’d also want my soul and my spare time.
Way too dear and a sure way to hell. Don’t need it now and never will.

Of course, he wants to have sex with me.

No amount of “I respect if you want to keep this platonic” bullshit will cover his deeper desire and it won’t make me believe he’d settle for a friendship for a second.

During the ride to the house and back, I dreamt how I would love to be in the company of my teacher instead. That sexy image seemed  shocking, but not so shocking... (since he is smart and hot and I have a history of infatuation by professors.)

I’m going to do whatever is necessary to never need a place in his house or - I hope it’s not too cruel of me - to see him again.

At the dinner I ordered my Wednesday wine. It made me surprisingly dizzy. Could it be that all the alcohol-free days that I’m adding to my week don’t like me leaving a room for toxins?
Perhaps it’s time for a total abstinence...But what will I do when sad, angry or frustrated? 

(Meditate...! yay)

Going all or nothing [regarding sex] makes so much sense to me.
I’ve got a nose for bullshit. I am a Tantrika after all, and my skills can’t hide.

(Sometimes I feel like jumping on random men, but when I give it a little thought, it just passes.)

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Healing trauma etched in the body

’Wine Wednesday’

Yes, it is Sunday - that’s how long it took to recover! (JK)

There won’t be any smart-ass 5 bullets, but there will be some wise words…

Despite not wanting it to become a tradition, I came to like the thought of making a room for a glass of wine once a week.
I don’t go out on weekends (Darwin’s - well, nevermind!) to satisfy my resveratrol and fermented beverage cravings; therefore, the ’party day’ falls in the middle of the week. It seems to break up the adult’s routine nicely.

On Wednesday I hung out with my friend T.
Something minor happened that morning that reminded me of a major trauma I had experienced as a 15-year-old. I used that pain as an excuse to well, have more than my usual one glass!

Indeed, I didn’t live in the present moment that day. Instead, I was taken back nearly 16 years into the past, where I received a very bad news.

Almost identical news then have repeated in my life in different forms and shapes periodically - I even began expecting those without a doubt.

I knew about that outdated program of mine, of course, I did.

(You know how sneaky those are!)

I was aware of my own recreating of it somehow. Over the last decade, I tried different modalities to heal myself from the shock. I wanted to prevent slipping back into the pattern of unwittingly choosing the kinds of people and places which would eventually trigger that type of trauma again. I can’t tell you how many times I was reminded of the scared 15-year-old girl though!
Obviously, based on my Wednesday’s panic attack, I had not succeeded in overcoming that obstacle.
(Spoiler alert - the issue got resolved and things are back to normal/not so normal)

The point is - how long before yet another similar event strikes?

On Thursday I felt grateful for my inability to think (due to ehm, a headache) The more I analyze myself and the things past, the messier it gets. That must be why I like CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), coaching and Dr. Dispenza’s research. These don’t care about Freud and his reasons!

No more thinking about my childhood and finding explanations for my re-creating of familiar negative experiences.

I listened to Dispenza again, and I began implementing his strategies on myself at last.
The past is past.
Here I am today, and I must train my body into feeling safe.
Yes, my body - not the brain.

We usually relate fear to memories of something that happened to us or others in the past which we immediately project into the future.
As per Dr. Dispenza’s research, we must stay present and create the future from nothing.

The muscle memory of the body is so ingrained though. People get involuntary panic attacks, people get repeatedly unwell, damn - people get cancer because of things past for which they haven’t forgiven.
That is my belief anyway.

Unforgiveness is not my case. (Funny, I just picked up cards 96 - FORGIVENESS and 6 - LOVE. Well, my angels know best!)

Could it be mistrust? (Therefore, I DO need to forgive - God, myself, those who were involved.)

My mind has her own explanations; my body, however, keeps an emotional score of the ground opening up beneath my feet and swallowing me whole 16 years ago, upon hearing the bad news.

Apparently, we have to focus on healing the body’s learned response, instead of trying to analyze why we do what we do.

I will focus on creating an emotional safety net around that event and my body. Such intention will cause new feelings - those of trust. If I trust that I am, and have always been, moving in the right direction - NOT towards doom (as previously anticipated), I will make better - different - choices and take new actions. Behavior in alignment with my deeper desires? Yes, please!
The body will soon start to relax and trust me.
I do not want to have childish (literally) excuses for fearing certain outcomes possibly happening anytime, anywhere in the futire.
Present moment, Pavlina, present moment and pure consciousness...

Trust is a big theme. (Now, Dr. Dispenza didn't talk about that, but...)

Have you ever wondered how much your body actually trusts that you’ve got its back? That Life/Universe has got your back? - you might be great at tricking yourself, talking your mind into something, or denying it and then hoping for the best - but it never quite works, does it…

I suggest that we address the malware in the manifesting autopilot, turn it off and chuck it out!

Feeling so wise today,

here are my (or Angels') final words which came to me during a little meditation in the swimming pool:

”There is always a path of the least resistance. That path is still in an alignment with your values and desires but additionally, that is where you don’t need to compromise yourself or anyone else. You already have all that it takes to walk that path.”

Let's create something new from a place of 'nothing'.

It made so much sense, it answered everything.

I can see clearly what I have to do.

Ponder it for yourself. What are you going to do to heal on all levels?

Monday, May 7, 2018

The light and its shadow

Never underestimate your intuition about someone or something. Usually, what we call "first impression" is right. However, check in with your fear-based beliefs first - e.g: Am I being envious, afraid of competition, feeling inadequate? You intuitively know when your impression is about them or it is in fact, about you.

I think I was right about the editor of Byron Bay magazine, Mark O'Brien. I reacted perhaps too aggressively to his #metoo article - I projected some past wounds onto him, but I corrected myself and was willing to see his perspective, and surprise, surprise - I dug deep to find his 'light'.  
We decided on 'cooperation'. I would compose my own response to the #metoo phenomenon that he would edit and I could even feature in the printed 2019 issue.
Mmmm... nope. 
As expressed in my previous posts, Mark has his own 'masculine' take on the issue and the fact that he deleted (from the digital version) a sentence - "What would the Latinos do?" [if we continued desexualizing sex] speaks of itself. 
Most of the private conversations he struck with me were about intercourse or drugs, and some e-mails were writen either while he was drinking, about to drink or feeling down because of having had too much to drink the night before.

He has still not edited my piece and I just found out, he won't be publishing my article because #metoo seems to have subsided.
Now.... What????? I don't care that he won't publish it, but really - further takes on that matter are not relevant anymore?????

So I will somewhat polish it myself and publish it over here.
I have only a small audience, but who knows, maybe those who need to see a few uplifting words or are STILL interested in "sexual abuse as abuse of power" will enjoy reading it.
It is not as much about #metoo as it is about reconciling the unhealthy masculine and feminine polarities within all of us...

What got me thinking:
An e-mail from Kundalini Dance teacher and facilitator, Leyolah Antara.
She writes:

"Beltane [Gaelic May Day festival] also reminds us to celebrate Sacred Inner Union, to collect all of our external projections and integrate our inner dark and light feminine and inner dark and light masculine so we can become whole and relate to our beloveds from that place of wholeness.
Too often we project our unintegrated masculine and feminine aspects outside of ourselves. We magnetically attract partners who represent those polarised aspects of ourselves. In my experience, I have attracted the dark masculine, in my partners, as I have been in denial of my inner dark masculine side.
When we are in denial of an aspect of ourselves it becomes a shadow, and freezes our life force, as our soul wants us to grow she will attract that aspect of ourselves in another giving us an opportunity to grow.
I know in my case, I have attracted both light masculine and dark masculine partners. Yet the call of the initiation of Sacred Inner Union is calling me to integrate my masculine side even more."

True, True, True. I am also still learning to integrate my dark masculine. The strong, protective, controlling, conservative and I dare to say "my way or the highway" side.
I am aware... yet I am not aware.
Then I fall in love with a narcissistic energy vampire and I completely lose myself.
I keep saying that my ex will stay in my heart and that he was a good person.
But no - I saw how he treated his employees...
I saw how he lied...
I saw how he manipulated me (sitting down each time I confronted him, looking up as from a child position and then giving me the story of his abusive dead who has fucked him up. The kind of self-explanatory stance: Here you go, a reason why I'm such a disturbing liar.)

So... thank you, Dr. Christine Northrup from Hayhouse radio for slapping me on the cheek and waking me up to the fact that some people - are not inherently good. They lack the neurons responsible for bonding!

Thank you, Leyolah, for again reminding me of the deeper work that is yet to come (I've enrolled in another of her courses).
I won't meet my soulmate until I accept that I, TOO, am imperfect, broken, suspicious and in the past I, too, would lie to save my face. Maybe I won't meet my soulmate until I forgive myself?

Is that.... all?

Another issue of the feminine and how we treat it these days:
Today I sat in my room contemplating if I would mind hearing my housemate fucking with her new lad who comes around now and then... 
I heard them talking next door, he seemed a dumbass, but I thought that I could stand hearing them doing it. I know myself, I'd just get wet. (I had some frisky neighbors in the past.)
Suddenly, the walls start to shake... and they shake...and shake and - I hear nothing else... I open the door to stand closer to her room (pervy)- I hear nothing but slapping. 
I think to myself - a doggy style...? 
Then violent thrusting breaks the clapping as the bed hits the wall, banging like crazy. Then the dull slapping/clapping again...
Where is your breathing, guys?
Where is some "aaah, ugh, ohh"?
What the hell are you doing??!!!

I feel a little mad at her. She is such a pretty girl, selling herself so cheap.
I was hoping for some sounds, heavy breathing, kissing, moaning...
I'm a little dissapointed.
Maybe the next time! 

Lovemaking would be different... and very feminine and masculine uniting.
How else can we can bring into our lives more of the beautiful feminine? 
Put on the clothes that work for you (I put on a very tight red dress) and turn up the volume of music that uplifts you the moment the first tunes hit the air...
(I'm including my long-forgotten fav below)

Happy integrating of the light and the dark of both the feminine and the masculine energies in all of us!

Follow me on my new Facebook page here.

Friday, May 4, 2018

EFT on "Not being good enough"

Tapping on meridians works!
(watch the video below and read this to get rid off old belief systems )

Rowena told me that my ex and his new woman were taking it to the next level.
I felt a confusion - Does it hurt or what??!
I didn't believe it should, yet it did switch something on...

After our hour-long phone call discussing deeply philosophical matters and some silly and cheerful bullshit, I sat with my feelings... What was that remaining shadow of a nasty feeling that reminded me of the past?

Begining to tap on the karate chop, I let my intuition do the talking.

"Even though I am sad that he's committing to someone else..
no... even though I am sad that I wasn't worth his committing to me, I still love accept and forgive myself now..."

Then I tapped along on my head, eyebrows, under the eyes, under the nose, on the chin, collar bone and under the arm... just speaking my heart out loud.... whatever came over me...
"Am I feeling jealous.... no, I am not feeling jealous... Do I want him... no fucking way I don't want him..... I feel I'm just not ready - not good enough - to move onto someone new so soon..."
While talking I would figure out that the next round I shall start by:

"Even though I feel that I am never good enough,  I still love accept and forgive myself now...."

It felt like I woke that inner most-dominant thought from the dungeons of my psyche where it was unconsciously running and ruining my life.
As I was tapping, I understood that I still felt not good enough in context with him, but it had nothing to do with us separating or him having a new love in his life. I saw how funny my 'feelings' were -  those emotions had nothing to do with him! Haha... 
Not him...But me.
It was all about me, I am comparing myself, I am feeling sorry that I have no new romance to talk about, and I am still pushing love away because I feel not good enough. 
Nevertheless, the more I repeated that I wasn't good enough, the more it rang as a lie! It felt untrue... as if I set an old broken record on repeat.
Genuine laughter and a sense of relief flooded me. It became too ridiculous to keep tapping on "not being good enough"...

My last round started like this:
"Even though I USED TO feel not good enough, I still love accept and forgive myself now..."

Such a simple technique and such profound results! I freed myself from an unconscious lie that was ruining my life! 

Btw. Rowena and I concluded that he wasn't the brightest guy in the world and I confessed that he never ever told me anything that interesting or stimulating and I was always afraid he'd eventually bore me to death, hadn't it been for the good sex that kept us together.
I must look for someone with whom I could have deep and meaningful conversations. 
I will do.
Once I tire of my own company.

Wednesday, May 2, 2018

Continuing being real...

It could stink not keeping up to the newest standard of authenticity that I set in my latest blog post...(here)
Ok, I am checking in... I am alright and I am grateful for that little breakdown to have happened. Thank you all for your support and thank you, Ralf for reaching out, sharing, and making it known that I am not alone - there are many aliens out there! :) I would still prefer to call us Earth Angels...

One reminder, I have not had sex since early November 2017 - a choice that I made for spiritual reasons...yet I might be slightly affected by the lack of the deed that I had been so accustomed to in the long past. 
2017 was an interesting year for me...several affairs, a huge personal growth, but much easier than 2016 which was oh so terrible! But still - I've been transitioning big time, and sharing my feelings on this blog helped me put things in perspective and seeing my life as a blessed adventure. Things may as well never be completely peachy...but they're real - and real is what makes us. I would never trade awareness of the rawness of being a vulnerably imperfect human being in a tough place for any kind of comforting blanket...

Well, wine acts like a type of a blanket...
And sometimes we do need to RESET. Serious and thoughtful is a default (at least right now, for me), but letting that go... just forgetting the rules for a while.... easing into the rhythm of the world... relating to others.... wow, wine in moderation, once in a while, taken with a good energy behind the decision to have a drink - it can be a medicine.

If I ever start "5-bullet Fridays" like Tim Ferriss or "Take 5 with Mel" like Mel Robbins or - I'm pretty sure Marie Forleo does something similar, those would be my five:

1. The substance I gave in to after 7 days of tea-totality (the last drink was a beer at an alternative event in Sydney's commune) and after reading a nutritionist and psychiatrist Kelly Brogan's blog where she confirms that wine is not the evil:
Yalumba Organic Shiraz, South Australia 2017 (I had 2 glasses and it was not even that good.)

2. The superfood I am crazy about right now:
I got a hempseed butter, unhulled hempseeds, hempseed flour and protein and I sprinkle that sh*** onto everything! My brain is super-charged and my skin's glowing.

3. The inevitable truth this week:
I am a sucker for independence and freedom.
Or as R. would put it - I crave a structure and I despise it.
I love 'squat-like' houses.
My first own accommodation was a proper squat house - an old hospital in Muswell Hill in London in 2006. I lived there for 1,5 years. Super-cheap rent (run and protected by a Russian mafia), no bond, cool housemates, many bathrooms, no burglars...
12 years later, I found a completely legitimate house (which won't be demolished anytime soon), no contracts, questionable locks, half-empty but very messy rooms, lots of weird furniture just lying around and outside, a SWIMMING POOL, a gatekeeper and just one housemate - a girl!

4. The people I miss right now:
The two little devils I was looking after before finding my squat house. Last night I was dreaming about the younger one falling asleep in my arms and I am so looking forward to seeing them tomorrow!

5. The next aspiration:
Applying for a vacancy of my dreams...
Hear the drums... there I am searching for proper jobs...
And I found one.
It looks perfect!
Please, fingers crossed, this vacancy is for me. I dare to say that I qualify.. best of all, it is just across the street from me.
Will I hang myself if I won't get it?
No... I'll just sleep longer in the mornings...😴

I just realized that these mentors, this tribe of titans, never share anything that they are ashamed of or afraid of...

and I bet there is always something.

My fear:
I'll never find my partner in crime.

My shame:
Peanut butter... it just never bloody last more than a couple of days.
(Oh, and I use some bread with it lately 😟)

I'm including the newest pics of the 'post-wet-season me'. Chubby, but picking up from the ground and appreciating life for what it is.
Excuse the white face of my Darwin's awesome friend, I'm just trying to protect her privacy.

Monday, April 30, 2018

Communicating vulnerably

I’d like to share more of myself; more of the real life that goes on under the surface.
Things weren't great at my end... 
Sure enough, I am writing this after glimpsing a little light at the end of a tunnel today at last. However, I had been contemplating to share already in the midst of all that frickin' despair that came over me this week. Sharing during real-time hardships is still a very vulnerable spot for me!

I undertook an insightful course on communication the last weekend in Sydney. 
What I learned changes everything! 
Yes, we humans suck at communication, and I dare to say that all my past and present problems were/are based on misunderstandings and the lack of sincere communication - sharing where one's coming from.

Sounds simple but... let's put it into practice:

I called my mum... I just dialed the phone number (In the end it cost me $120 AUD, shocking, but... who cares, a ticket back home is 15x as much!)

"Hey mum... I would like to apologize for neglecting you all those years and not sharing my life with you. I'd like to let you know that it was not your fault, you have not failed as a mother, it was me. I was stuck in the past, afraid of your judgment and punishing you by isolating myself and keeping everything a top secret. I love you, always have.." And so it goes... I'm changing my approach. My strategy for self-protection, if not self-defense, my withholding... no one needs that crap.

My mum doesn't need to know 'details'. She deserves facts, as per the above.
I am not helping anyone by withdrawing myself and always - always - pretending that I've got my shit together. That is why I love asking about other people's lives first. I submerge in their drama so my turn wouldn't get to come.  Please, don't pass me the ball by asking - "And how have you been?" Coz I'd say: "Good".
It became such a habit that I started to believe no one cared. I would wave off my worries in front of others and drink wine at home, feeling like a fraud. Just NEVER ever ask for help, Pavlina, just don't ask for anything - You got this! And another glass would follow.

The only person (apart from my sister) with whom I've been real the whole time, a stranger to whom I strangely trusted right away when I first met him in 2016 - is RALF.  It's not his real name, so let's stick with R. And I mean super-honest, raw, fucked up and sharing my life in an authentic way - even if just through passing on a link to this blog.
On the evening that I met him, I already felt like it was too late to show him 'perfection'; therefore, I hadn't even started.

Why are we being real only when there's nothing to lose?

I fear losing people's trust; them believing in me. I fear that showing my weaknesses makes me a pathetic mentor.

Yet, the truth is: I’ve been struggling in possibly every area of my life ever since entering Australia. 
I am overcoming my own obstacles and I qualify to help those who are not - but not sharing my present sadness seems to lead a bad example.
This is my time to be fearlessly vulnerable.

Being unable to get over my ex's abandoning me for so long, damaged my willpower. But why am I still caught up in the story of a lonely girl? What I really don't know is why he still crosses my mind here and there and why it still hurts that he wasn't the guy who delivered and made love look real! 

The reasons for not letting him go spiritually could be a soul-tie, a curse, or going through all those love and work transitions all alone in his homeland. It’s not been easy living so far from my family and my best friends. IT SUCKS. 
Sometimes I think that if I had savings, I would give up whatever I have been chasing over here and go. One way ticket.

That's how lonely I feel.

One of my best friends (E.) got married last weekend on the Greek islands and I couldn’t even be there with her. If life was easy and simple, I would fly there for the wedding and back in a couple of weeks; if life was even easier and simpler, I'd probably already have a holiday home there with a helicopter pad (which I wouldn't use for my arrival from down under.) 
Not hugging her on her important day brings tears to my eyes and makes me feel sorry.

Sorry for the fact that I chose to leave home and follow 'love', when love has turned its back on me. 
Sorry to admit that two years in I still haven't made it here. I am not a successful 'entrepreneur', I don't want a 'normal' job, neither I got married. I am more likely just a woman in her best years... wasting them.

I miss E., I miss my other best friend O., my sister and my mum.
I've been living abroad since the age of 18 and I would never quite miss anything from back at home.

This time is so different. I miss my Uni years when truly bonding with my classmates, earning a good income and being a part of a loving community.  I’ve been missing people like crazy ever since.

I don’t even care that I got chubby whilst looking after little kids. We all had a blast gorging on biscuits, toasts with peanut butter, vegemite and honey and all that other stuff one shouldn’t have, apparently. 

Nevertheless, ever since finding out that I couldn't transfer between campuses and thus, I flee Sydney earlier (more on that later), I moved to Matt's place. I feel more empowered and motivated when independent, close to a gym and in charge of my own routine. I think I already lost 2 kilos!
Matt is a guy who gave me a ride some time in August-September and I couldn't get rid of him since. He found me the Tropical commune which brought me many backpacking friends. I got saved by a man once again! 
His wit is one of a kind. Not only he cracks me up but he also gives me a slap on the cheek with his courageous opinions. [about me]. I wonder where he takes the assurance that I won't shoot him for those one day!
But he is right, It's time to see my life as an adventure and be grateful again- for fuck's sake!

Matt doesn't live here, but others do. The rent is cheap and the place is in the center of Darwin's CBD. It is filthy but I actually want to clean... I need to find work that would distract me from myself - fast.

It's been a few days without wine, coffee, sugar, and not moving... so I want to stress that I AM implementing my own medicine. I recognized the signs of a mild depression (that could have been seasonal) so it is time to shine the light on those gaps. Writing 'Transitioning' helped me see that my sensitive personality is a blessing. The book also serves as a constant reminder that I ought to work hard on picking myself up each time I fall. We all do. Wallowing in pain or ending it in fatal and selfish ways are for weaklings and losers.

Today's weather brightened my mood. The dry season has arrived! My hair will stay straight-to-wavy, we won't need to use the aircon, and there might be lively backpackers around again. Who cares that I'll be stuck in Darwin for at least one more term when we've got the Mindil beach markets back on!

My SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder) has officially ended.

--> Oops I did it again, waved off my worries like if they were not happening!

Thank you, my reader, for bearing a witness to my vulnerability...

P.S.: S
ome fears give us a nudge in the right direction - we need to do this now, otherwise, an opportunity for growth would pass us by...
Likewise, I know that I need to push through the fear that subtly excites me - gives me butterflies in the stomach; but some 'fear' is, in fact, an intuition. It tells us that we are not to do it. That fear is like an unsure 'Nah...'

Sydney was that for me, that Nah, I don't feel it...
Never say never, but - not yet.

Monday, April 23, 2018

When Matthew McConaughey talks like God

If you have 5-6 minutes, please watch this video. 
Matthew's insight blew my mind for one simple reason - It spoke to my soul. 

I often struggle to see who EXACTLY I am - or should be (yes, the latter is BS.)
Getting clear about who EXACTLY I was NOT, however, has caused many breakthroughs throughout my life and helped mobilize me towards the direction of who I wanted to be. 

For example, I knew I loved traveling and dancing. Working as an exotic dancer all over the world did the trick for a while - but one day I woke up and I knew that it wasn't me anymore. Identities change, but the desire to live happily remains. What would follow next wasn't as important as the realization that I couldn't stay where I was.
"The process of elimination" as Matthew calls it, has been far more powerful in creating more of what I wanted, than staying where I didn't belong whilst figuring out where I did.