Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Nightmares despite living the dream

Because He was supposed to be the one. 
That's why it used to hurt so bad, that's why I was angry. 
I had some preconceived notions of what true love should look like, and it felt awful when those crumbled. 
He made me feel like a princess, so I expected Him to be my prince.
Instead I felt betrayed by life, God, and the Universe...  
I came to understand that it's safer to run from any idealized versions of reality.

I've had a few nightmares in this past year and half. Nearly all of them - except one, featured my ex as the main protagonist. 
The initial bad dreams began after I got back home to Czech brokenhearted. The nightmares appeared again back in Australia: at a shared accommodation, my next solo rented place, and one depicted on this blog described him pushing my chest so hard that it felt as if my heart was cracking all over again, making the wound fatal.

Isn't it strange that he still finds a way into my dream? I wake up in sheer terror with my heart beating fast.

Last night I woke up three times. He featured in the latter two nightmares, where my mind produced fucked up scenarios of him doing weird stuff... (coming into my room unannounced, looking like a Joker with a whiskey in his hand and murderous twinkle in his blue eye; or 
drinking lots of tap water and chanting: I can't stop, I can't stop...)

Why does my unconscious keep sending me these images and rehashing any negativity I used to associate with him? 
I don't feel that way at all in my waking life! In fact, I don't feel much at all - in context with him.

My head is busy appreciating Darwin's wilderness, stressing about extending my Australian visa, fantasizing about sex with J, arranging Tantra appointments, wanting to write a book, or thinking about how to stop snacking on sweets... No sign of Him whatsoever.

Maybe I shouldn't have sent him the live video of me from the Mindil beach sunset markets??? It was.. well, a bit in vain. I'm looking my best and free self there!

Let me tell you, the mind is a mischief.

I feel the most authentic, nomadic, connecting, empowering, happy and free ME these days, and I'd like to bottle up this feeling and proudly carry it with me from day to day.

It feels safer than ever to travel, live like a nomad, and connecting to others through my work



Saturday, August 12, 2017

Darwin, NT

Winter in Darwin is like no other winter out there!
I'm falling in love with this city.
Anyway, time to go to bed so I can jump into the pool early in the morning. I wouldn't risk it later in the day (it's hot, hot, hot), neither I'd risk trading the pool for the ocean up here, or the river so to speak. Ah, what a shame they've got crocs and sharks everywhere!
But it's the more exciting this way... my dad would love it over here too! I Will have to figure out how to let him know that I'm planning to exchange the safety of a city for an adventurous life near the outback.

I had some interesting discussions with myself and experienced couple of breakthroughs while walking through the Darwin's inspiring nature. I'm going to find some time to write them out soon.

Sunday, August 6, 2017

On Self-Discipline #fitness #horniness

I'm surprised but I do have some self-discipline! It takes a lot of food-guilt before I actually bring myself to exercise (and it is always at the “wrong” time than what I initially planned) but in the end, it is me running along the river at 9pm.
Ok. 6pm. Today. I did have
nearly-midnight runs in the past though!
I am not exaggerating. I used to work at nights, I would go to bed in the morning, therefore a midnight jog wasn’t a big deal. 24/7 gyms don’t exist for nothing!
This time it wasn’t the New Farm peninsula with its calm(ish) Brisbane river… It was the Swan river in Perth’s CBD.

Great story- in the dusk I saw something what looked like a crocodile swimming towards me, so I stopped and waited with my mouth open - it could have been the experience of my lifetime!
Well, it turned out to be a duck. I love Perth! It’s been so good to me so far (didn’t get eaten by the duck).
Back to my self-discipline.

It’s been nine days since living off of my suitcase, and I perform yoga asanas every single day. Not always in the morning just after waking, hence the guilt, not always for at least 30 minutes, hence trying to jog too, but every day a few postures for at least a little bit.
I eat too much chocolate though, so yoga wouldn't do.
Sadly, pilates on my own proved to be so damn hard! I do some exercises on the hotel room floor but those must look so laughably lame!
That’s where I struggle, I just don’t enjoy strenuous exercise solo in 10m³.
How come it took three months to acquire an exquisite butt and only one week to loose it?!

So I am booked for a free 'gym tour' tomorrow (pretending I am moving to Perth). 
The visit is freaking me out. There’s something about gyms that I gave up nearly a year ago that I don’t miss. Hard to describe what exactly, but I suspect it’s the chore, the mindless ritual, the 'all lights on me', the mirrors, the heavy breathing, the noises of big weights falling down to the floor… just can’t stand it. But they have classes. Yoga and pilates along with a collective motivation to keep moving and burning… 
Surprisingly, I'm still observing emerging abs on me. Finally! -At the age of 30.
Ah yes, my 30th was sweet. Very calm. I left after midnight and two of my guests were still going. I can’t keep up with those 20year-olds anymore. Thank God I enjoyed myself when I was young! 👅

Back to the self-discipline.

I am horny. I know that by default - anything that I write here comes to the Universal attention to either rebut it or take it to fruition. For example, in November I wrote that I was feeling frisky, and out of nowhere an old fling, Adam, appeared again (btw. not his real name of course). 
Then there were the posts where I nearly swore I wouldn’t do such and such thing, and then - the next day my resolution went out of the window. Not only that - it made a perfect sense to do so for the sake of my GROWTH. Like, fuck the rules and all the self-imposed limits, embrace the curious rebel! (always in the cases of J and D boys)
I admit that certain songs remind me of D, and I still treasure memories of our provocative conversations. I loved how it felt.

From tomorrow J is supposed to be around the corner… totally a coincidence that we’re in the same city outside of Brisbane at the same time ( I SWEAR!), but, I blocked his number…
I’m seeking something new…
However, if we bumped into each other, who knows what may happen?!
Perhaps my newly-acknowledged self-discipline knows...
It's whispering that it's time to go and masturbate myself to sleep.





Trying to look happy while working out alone in the hotel room


post-workout when really happy. even with a zit
Pre-party and ready to drink some red wine!





Sunday, July 30, 2017

Hayhouse Writer's Workshop

The idea that I create my destiny with my thoughts, feelings, actions and WORDS has never been more real. 
This weekend I attended the Hayhouse writer’s workshop in Sydney, and I decided to stay a few more days to enjoy the city. 
I am somewhat in awe of the Sydney's unexplored scent. I only spent couple of days here in the past; and it’s been either with Him, or while depressed without him. This time I am a completely new person. I feel empowered, independent, free and motivated to become a success.

Success in what? Well, at the moment I am focusing on my career. Career as a healing mentor, an inspiring revolutionary, and a Hayhouse author - a compassionate storyteller. I must help other people with my story!

I am hopeful that in the future my life purpose will merge with my love life too.

Saturday, July 22, 2017

Sleeping and wishing #sex #love

Sleeping with J is very healing...
Sure, he's not 'the one' I was looking for (and I still hope the wish for a husband material is still out there in the Universe*), nevertheless, it is what I deserve - especially after the 'experiment' I recently conducted with someone, who could not have been right for me in a million years.
Yes, I can enjoy sex no strings attached -IF- there are feelings AND a complete transparency. There was neither.
Anyway, I should thank D. for trying... to be someone he weren't, so we both explored the other side of the coin.
Was it all so bad, rough and loveless? I'm not going to condemn everything that had led up to the act and disrespect what I had wanted that night - There must have been something quite right if I decided to peel off my jeans (-let him peel them). I just don't recall what exactly, even when I was totally sober. 
Perhaps a curiosity or longing for a connection?
I disliked his sex-technique with me, that's all. It diminished my libido for couple of weeks after - and I don't like when that happens.
Thanks to J I am back on. I admit he's probably the best lover I've ever had, and the fact that he's not 'mine' makes the amazing intimacy we share easier to handle.

*If I were to wish for 'the one', I better believe in romantic love first... I firmly believe in unconditional love though.
No matter what other people do or say, love them...



Tuesday, July 18, 2017

Sexual Healing

My Tantra workshop went really well. Only a small number of people turned up, but their amazing collective energy was all I needed to feel that the prior stress had been worth it.
Apparently what was much appreciated, along with the few interactive exercises we did, was my honesty about my past sex experiences and my confession that I have never had a Tantric sex. That being said - with someone; because I do with myself (a lot). I've had amazing sex (with J, or other men in the long past), but it was not exactly 'Tantric'.

So my search for a tantric partner began. And maybe I don’t have to look too far. One of the attendees is pretty keen…

Obviously, I wouldn't try Tantric sex with just any ordinary man, but this guy is pretty experienced! I know that he wasn’t boasting or trying to look smarter than me because I’ve massaged him today. I observed his breathing and I felt his energy vibrate all over. I had a go too.
I had a small taste of what it felt like to merge into a meditative bliss with the man just lying next to me… then I ‘woke up’ out of the emerging ecstasy and felt a bit frightened. Sure, there are no intimacy issues when you are ‘there’. But if you snap out of ‘there’, the made up fear comes back and it is a frickin' party-pooper. 

The vibration all over my body resembled the awakened kundalini that I experienced during a dance few weeks before - very cool!
Then we went jog-walking together…

How exciting the Tantric path feels! :)

I have another confession. When I slept with D., I noticed that he had what Margot Anand calls: penile insensitivity. In her 5th and 
10th chapters - she writes how vigorous thrusting during sex damages the muscular tissues around genitals, weakens the PC pump, the hips and puts a strain on the prostate.

Prostate - the golden mine, the seat of masculinity (!NOT heterosexuality!), and the semen-retention switch…Just a miracle, guys!

D. had been putting so many layers of 'body armour' on the genital area, that he caused himself to be less sensitive there, needing a lot of stimulation in order to let the sexual energy flow - with one trouble - he flows it out - rather than in.
Good news, penile insensitivity can be easily healed.

What we learn in Tantra is that sexual energy should flow throughout the whole body- it vibrates it, it heals it, it strengthens our chakras and then enters our minds for a lasting bliss. 
For example, I unblock myself with reiki, and then touch myself gently, breathing into my chakras and moving the fire up and up 'the inner flute'…containing the energy within without any strong stimulation.

When will the insensitive-penises men start to leave their egos outside of the bedroom and perhaps learn something new from their [Tantric] lovers?
Watching porn gave us an illusion that we should have sex like animals. Sometimes we can.. 
However, I believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience and learning about meaningful, soulful, and conscious sex is part of it!


I'm recharging now. I'm realizing more and more that I am an Introvert.
I'm craving ME-time, especially after what seemed as the busiest 


weekend of my life - LEARNING (marketing) & TEACHING (sex edu). But I loved it regardless. I also bonded with Laura and we had a great after-party right after the workshop.


*By the way I'm not saying that J. has that aforementioned penis issue too, he doesn't. He can handle showing up as vulnerable, open-hearted, and gentle in and out of the bed. 
But I feel like he might be a taker regardless.

Time to find a yin-yang lover :)

Monday, July 10, 2017

The dance between the masculine and the feminine

When I arrived to Australia in June 2016, my left eye hurt like hell. I vaguely remembered then that I had poked it during the flight, but it wasn't until I got into my friend's house in Newcastle that I noticed how badly I could see. I could have easily agreed to a stronger lense prescription.
Taking in account Louise Hay's teachings and Tantra practices - the left side of the body indicates the divine feminine and all feminine attributes. 
One year ago I cried my eyes out when I figured that my ex didn't want to see me again. He wasn't straight with me, not telling me that he was dating someone else, but I could feel that he wasn't available anymore. I was heartbroken again, and I felt abandoned.
My poor eyesight was a reminder to turn inwards and start healing myself as a woman who was worth more than she ever gave herself a credit for. The right - masculine - eye was strong and watchful... and it needed to be acknowledged in order to lift my feminine side to her highest potential.
My journey of 'healing the divine masculine' (men are not all bad) and harmonizing both polarities within me had begun right there and then.

When I arrived to the small town in NSW last week, 10 months since my last visit and 2 years since the very first visit during which I fell in love with Him, I woke up with what felt like conjunctivitis in my right eye.
Upon checking with the chemist, it was just an irritation. But what an irritation! My eye felt sore the whole day, very sensitive to light, red, and involuntarily tearing up. As if I was crying without any emotions and just from that one eye.
The right side is 'masculine'. 
Was my right eye telling me that there was something I didn't wish to 'see'? Was I blind towards the situation at hand? Was I scared to acknowledge that I was able to take a better care of myself than Him could ever do? 
My divine masculine is very protective and analytical. Perhaps it was testing me to see more with my soft, feminine side rather than the suspicious masculine...
Was the masculine broken upon seeing Him again? We had such a friendly encounter that the message from my body must have been - "See only with love. Be soft."

Saturday, July 8, 2017

My ex - my karmic soulmate

I’m wrapping myself up into a blanket He gave me for my overnight train ride back to Brisbane. I chose not to stay… On one hand I know why, and on the other I don’t…

Rowena told me that both Him and I tend to overthink stuff rather than plunging into the unknown…
Yes, when I spend too much time in my head it is an indication of my lack of trust in life unfolding exactly as it should without my pushing it. Once I release the grip and surrender, not only my tense shoulders drop an inch but I discover freedom in that surrender. Just breathe….

It was a lovely trip down to NSW. I loved chilling with Rowena in her home next to a forest, surrounded by a river - the location looks unreal. What a perfect place to raise a family! I absolutely adore her children too and she is a great mum.

While inhaling the fresh air behind Rowena’s backyard, t
he memory of familiar shivers of passion and fleet of butterflies down my stomach when I'd seen him that day made me believe that I wanted a family with him. Yes, that strong is my ever-inexplicable attraction towards him. Plus, he looked better than what I remembered. 
It was a planned visit by the way, He knew, but when he stepped into the shop’s kitchen where I was in the middle of a catch up with Jane, it was a mild shock for both. Rowena assessed his response to seeing me as falling into a lala land…
Nice. 


The alcohol detox I so eagerly planned for the rest of my stay in Australia (3months away at the time I had announced it), happened for about a week...maybe two.
In the end, being happy, grateful, and spreading that awareness ended up as the most important part of detoxifying myself.

Nothing else matters. 

So... I drunk a bit of red wine with Rowena one evening because - because I could. And I did it without feelings of sadness, shame or guilt (or hungover the next day)

He stole me from Rowena’s place on my last day. I hang around the farm and the nearby town. Nothing changed, yet everything was different. I was different.

We were like two best friends. Except for some spontaneous passionate kissing, however, not during our casual hot bath together… it was the strangest thing I’ve ever done with a past lover! - Just chilling and chatting away next to each other’s naked bodies. He must have been using talking as a way of distracting himself from feeling his emotions… he couldn’t shut up. It was quite cute though! I had let him stay in his head up until I gave him an improvised Tantra massage. After all it was long overdue since I gave him a voucher at Christmas 18 months prior, only to tear it to pieces in an angry fit few days later!! Haha. This time he didn’t need to be ‘good’ to deserve it.

I still love him. There is no doubt that he loves me too, but we are friends, not partners, neiher fuckbuddies. Karmic soulmates are meant to be broken, learn from one another, and then let each other be. We talked about wanting kids, but neither of us mentioned that we were ready and that the person in front of our eyes was the one to father/mother them.

How vulnerable it is to be a human being!

Pain

Hurt

Rejection

Fears

False predictions

Him and I are two good souls from broken homes, scared of commitment.
well…

Nice to know that my little sexual escapades in Brisbane don't mean a fuck in the bigger scheme of things.
Definitely no commitments, right, you commitment-phobes and unavailable men over there? I'm a bit sick of men willing to commit only to fucking me, infrequently, and to top it off - not even lovingly enough (why was D. so rough???)

Ahhhh...

How to be fearless, having only positive expectations, loving, and creating a worthwhile, joyous life on Earth for myself, my family, my friends, and all the people who are willing to believe in me... ?

I am ready.

Ready for a 'Freedom in commitment'.( sounds like the most effectively versed prayer than anything I've ever granted myself a permission to wish for.)

This trip was the perfect opportunity for forgiving each other. Now life goes on again.

Some random thoughts:
While doing a recharging jog-meditation in the hills, running over the bridges and gasping for a breath by the bamboo tree, I experienced many revelations. 

As I was going crazy at the thought that He was always so scared of things going wrong, questioning his skepticism in my mind, I realized it had been ME feeling afraid all along.

Rejection - a chain reaction?

What is it like to be completely ego-less?

The world is a reflection of how much we love&trust ourselves.


Holy Encounters

I had the most amazing conversation in a shop I could have ever anticipated in my life! From a hand luggage and airport rules it suddenly turned to sex and relationships - just how do I do it??? :D

Thank you, Sara for opening up and holding an open-minded space for me to do the same. How much I love these kind of encounters!

After what seemed a good half hour of chatting we hugged, I bought a light 4wheeler and went off to wait for my bus ride home. Great start to the day with yoga, a chat about hair with the instructors, browsing the markets, getting a random proposition for internet marketing work (I reckon the guy just wanted my number), and then that honest and heart-opening confiding of a stranger. I love my past experiences, my job and my spiritual gifts!

Few weeks ago I met another beautiful and interesting woman walking down the street (wow, also on Saturday after a yoga class!) who started opening up to me shortly after I complimented on her hair. It began very subtly, and then we found ourselves passionately talking about men and recent affairs. Two hours later we greeted again at a wine tasting event, some time later danced at a rooftop bar, and ended up in a pub with a group of young lads drinking some more (oops, more about my alcohol detox in a next post!).
What a special day that was. Thank you, Lana for showing me your vulnerable self and for your bold going ahead and signing up for my next Tantra workshop!

I took a trip to NSW few days ago…I stayed with Rowena but I met up with my ex too. Let me tell you how that went in the next post ;)

Monday, June 26, 2017

Are you an Earth Angel?

21 signs by Tanaaz from the website: http://foreverconscious.com/are-you-an-earth-angel-here-are-21-signs


According to my own experiences and the words of my friends - I can tick all of them!

✔  yes, kind of
 ✔ double yes, of course!
 ✔ ✔ + Oh my God


– You experienced an awakening very early on and perhaps were always attracted to nature, mythical creatures and the meaning of life ✔
 ✔

– You seem wise beyond your years and often carry a very worldly energy 
 ✔

– Even strangers tend to vent to you their problems and frustrations and you delight in being able to help them 
 ✔ ✔

– You don’t feel called to do any one thing, in fact at times you can struggle with feeling grounded and finding your purpose 
 ✔ ✔

– You are interested in philosophy, alternative methods of healing and the metaphysical 
 ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔

– You have an intense and deep personality and are not afraid to dig deep within your psyche and the psyche of others to find the truth


– You may feel a constant struggle to align yourself with the physical world, this may manifest as struggling to deal with boundaries and your ego 


-Relationships may be difficult for you to handle as you may find yourself attracted to abusive partners or those with deep emotional issues 
 ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔

– It is very likely that you are bi-sexual or have an attraction to both men and women 
✔ (yes to attraction to both)

– You may not feel the need to “settle down”, marry, find a partner or have children 
✔ (getting there despite of everything I thought)

– You try to align yourself with societal expectations but you have a very hard time doing so, or the pursuit of these things can leave you feeling empty 
(I don't really try anymore)

– You are highly intuitive and often foresee events before they occur, you are also very in-tune with others needs 
 ✔

– You are extremely connected to your Spirit Team and have been since you can remember 
 ✔

– You feel protective of children, nature and other vulnerable beings; these beings are also often attracted to you 


– Your emotions feel deep and heavy at times and can fluctuate from positive to negative; you have an understanding of both the light and dark emotions 
 ✔ ✔

– You may often “space out” or have vivid dreams or daydreams, lucid dream or astral project 
 

– You have an innate understanding of the potential and magic of the Universe 
 ✔

– Your life may undergo many radical changes and you may find that you move around a lot 
 ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ ✔ (I am a gypsy!)

– You find yourself floating or moving abruptly from one thing to the next as you feel guided or inspired to do so 
 ✔ ✔

– You may not have stability but your basic needs such as money, housing, food etc. always seem to be taken care of
 ✔ ✔ ✔ OMG

– You feel a longing to return home 
 ✔


My most recent update on the most important breakup lesson with Him: https://breakthroughbreakup.blogspot.com.au/p/26.html



Sunday, June 25, 2017

Are Earth Angels monogamous?

I was told by a beautiful psychic/healer lady that I was an Earth Angel. I kind of always knew it (haha). Sure, these days that label is so commonly used that the real meaning got lost somewhere in translation. Apparently, there are few of us, the real Earth angels…

And she assessed Him as a dark angel… I actually believe that! No one has ever put me under such a spell before… and obviously, no one has fucked me better 😳 (an illusion)

I believed her, possibly because of the newly discovered fact that He was my karmic soulmate. According to Stacey Demarco there are 4 types of soulmates - karmic, twin, companion and romantic. I always thought we all had several. 
Karmic is not the one you want to stay with! even if you thought otherwise at some point in the relationship. Learn your lessons, heal and move on...

Together with the psychic lady we were able to agree on the matters of spirituality and sexuality as inseparable. Humans can abuse anything, even the purest concepts, and give love a bad name, let alone sex.
Perhaps I am on this planet to cause some real revolution…

One more hip hip hooray to Tantra. It has stabilized my sexual appetite. I view lovemaking as so precious now… I just can’t have sex with someone no strings attached (e.g. last night’s chance encounter - a good-looking guy - but hell NO!). I want to meet someone I can work with on our spiritual/physical connection, deepen it, perfect it, keep innovating it… I can’t use sex as a quick-fix solution for satisfying horniness (for it doesn't help), nor to escape my mundane reality. Strangely, I stopped masturbating as often as I used to. I guess that I previously used it as a way to 'escape' and to relieve tension. Now that I restored my connection to the source, to my body, and I learned to pause, to breathe, to trust, to summon joyful memories and gratitude… I don’t have to use sex or masturbation to escape myself anymore.

The healer mentioned that angels are not necessarily meant to be monogamous... 
Monogamy is a separate topic from having a casual, superficial sex or a deep soulful lovemaking... both could be done with only one lover or many. The main thing is that now I know which type of action I'm looking for.

Ever since I started being present to what is really happening within me and my surroundings during these (possibly last) few weeks in Brisbane, my thinking has changed. I see everything from a little bit detached perspective. I feel more settled within, confident in myself and God and I sense the “bigger” picture. 
I refuse to be a slave to the visa system… I will always strive for freedom. I surrender my attachments to any other result.





Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Healing Me, healing D. #alone

I woke up just before 5am this morning. Not my longest sleep at all, but I had to do some energy work. I put my hands on my left ribs, where my spleen lies, probably. The organ has felt funny the last couple of days. I repeated an affirmation from Louise Hay's book You Can Heal Your Life : "I alone create sweetness and joy in my life...."

Yes, my late twenties have been spent feeling quite alone - but not lonely. 
Whereas the start of my twenties had a theme of loneliness, I was rarely alone. It proves that one can feel lonely even while constantly surrounded by people - sharing flats, going to school, having a bar job etc. Now I consider myself an artistic lone wolf, preferring to recharge in the sanctuary of the apartment that I rent, alone. When working, the moment my clients leave, I am alone, I feel accomplished, and I love it! I live alone, I travel alone and I socialize so sporadically - by choice. I found my tribe at Yoga and dance classes - no place to feel lonely, then I escape back into my every night's aloneness. 

Some days, I need to fill in a section "Emergency Contact" on forms for various establishments and I think to myself.... hmmm, who could come and "save" me if I unexpectedly passed out? if I needed help? What if something happened to me at home? What if I collapsed during hot yoga or - somewhere ?
My parents are overseas, so is my sister, my longest best friends are away too, and Christine is quite old and has probably enough of health worries; Definitely no local boyfriend who wouldn't have his hands full.. Clients, maybe?
Nope, I'm alone.

While still reikiing my spleen, the latest crush, D., came to my mind. I began sending him unconditional love and acceptance. Everything is alright. He had his hands full, no time to spare to hang out with a girl, worrying about her past jealousy issues possibly manifesting in the future, no time to tell about his travel plans... it would be too much of a burden. Whatever had happened to him in the past that has compelled him to write me such a shit text, he is not yet healed from. Maybe one day he'll see that the assumptions he described in that text where not even about me, but rather about the world which demanded his full attention and where he felt misunderstood.
Well, till the time of his awakening comes, I can only wish him all the best and send as much love as he needs, for he withholds his from others.
Hey, we've all been there!

18.7. Update
Who would have thought back then that couple of weeks later we'd make out again! It then turned into a pretty rough sex, so today I wrote about D's penile insensitivity. The good news is that healing of body armour can be done through Tantra. The bad news is that egoistic men will never ask.




"Deep at the center of my being there is an infinite well of Love..."
- Louise Hay


Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Short Romance Farewell #rejection #jealousy

Thank you, D., for being so upfront with me. Maybe not up up up upfront, but still early enough to prevent my heart from breaking. It cracked a little - ok (some rose quartz crystals fixed it right back).
Not telling me right away that you were a commitmentphobe must have been because you were just exploring the territory before making some radical conclusions about our compatibility - which you did in the end.
Thank you for giving me an insight into your unique Aquarian soul, for expanding my compassion, and for opening my mind to new points of perception.

I have never felt more empowered as a woman who has worked in the sex business for several years and a current sex educator as when getting deeper into our discussions about life. I felt the most comfortable ever talking about all the aspects of myself in front of you - no man has managed to made me feel this proud, powerful and understood before. You made me see that I can wear that past label as a pride. I knew it, somewhat, but you were a living proof that there were men out there not threatened by my past, men who were fascinated by it and not discouraged to date me in the slightest. But then something came across your mind one morning. Maybe an alcohol induced haze prompted you to ‘think’ more, rather than ‘feel’ and take risks more….. risks of getting disappointed, maybe even rejected by me at some point?

On the other hand, you knew what you wanted. A very, very liberal woman. I should have known that your statement “Making love to the same person every night is like having the same hot dinner every night" was probably a good indicator that we, indeed, had very different views on relationships. 

Nevertheless - it got me thinking. Could I stand to have the same dinner every night? Would I be able to stay faithful to the same guy every day for the rest of our lives?
Now I know - it's yes. I love freedom just as much as you, or anyone, however, I don’t believe that we, complex human beings of thousand faces which are sometimes undiscoverable still several years down the road (e.g. marriages breaking after 20 years together), can be compared to a food….
Yet, I didn’t make any conclusions about you….

You kept on repeating that you never get jealous….. ok. Good on you. Did I have problems with my own jealousy in the past? Yes, big time. I did not give you any ounce of jealousy at the present, so I can't see why exactly you pulled out. Fear?

It took me nearly one year to get over my ex’s affair which I took not only as violation of trust but also, primarily, as an evidence that I was not good enough and most likely unlovable. It took one year of deep soul searching, healing and heart opening to actually discover that those beliefs were not true. I rose to my potential of giving unconditional love, not expecting it back, and forgiving pretty much anything.
Mmmm..

Does it mean that I cannot get jealous ever again, especially if I felt that my self-esteem was threatened by you leaving me behind?> No. I can’t predict that! But my jealousy would be healthy, it wouldn’t be self-destructively used against me, and it wouldn’t compromise you in any way - if not help boost your ego to jump out of the roof. (I still occasionally sleep with a de-facto married 
man - how less 'unjealous' can that get??)
D., you may not realize that there are plenty of men queuing for my giving enough of a fuck to get jealous over them.

In my opinion, jealousy is alright, if acknowledged and dealt with in mature ways. It’s an automatic human reaction to a perceived threat of rejection or abandonment - humans are not robots.
But maybe you are.

Thank you for doing me the favor and breaking it off before I could have gotten attached to you - Making out with you was lovely. 
Though, I’ll never know if the sex would keep me hooked, for you didn’t even get the juices flowing… 😳

18.7. Update

Who would have thought back then that couple of weeks later we'd make out again! It then turned into a pretty rough sex, so today I wrote about D's penile insensitivity. The good news is that healing of body armour can be done through Tantra. The bad news is that egoistic men will never ask.


Saturday, June 10, 2017

Life choices

“To choose our partners wisely, we need to tease out how certain compulsions to suffering may be playing themselves out in our feelings of attraction.”
- The School Of Life


Warning: This post contains few swear words.


Last night after 5rhythms class I had a drink and chat with Carl, the guy I met in an organic grocery store who kept chasing me since November (until yesterday).

As soon as I agreed to the date I regretted it. I knew he was going to market his husband&father aspirations to me yet again. However, the dance made me super relaxed and so much in touch with myself and in love with myself, I consented to see a human being who was in need of a company, planning to just listen to him. I intended to see him for who he was, without judging, and preparing my replies or opinions. Carl loves to talk anyway, so it was my chance to listen and just be there.
The non-judment part was so hard!

I saw for the first time that under the facade of “I am perfect, I don’t need anything, and I could take care of you” there was a little scared boy who wanted to follow the script, not make mistakes, latch onto a woman, be put on a pedestal and have all his needs met. Of course we all want the last part - or at least - be loved unconditionally. But too much theory about how that's done proves to be useless in the real world.

Only yesterday I realized how much poison he had been feeding me over the past 6 months. Carl has a special way of making me feel inadequate, like I need help, as I am so lost without the right man saving me. (let me guess - him?)

Last night’s dance opened my channels to the divine, and I knew that I wouldn’t be saved by him in a million years.
I would fuckin’ die.

Once again I was sure that it was better to be alone than be unhappy with someone so needy.
I stuck around because I thought that he was the rational man my parents would have loved me to have. I was hoping the fascination by his analytical mind would turn into love and a desire to care for him.

I couldn't have been more off. I cannot believe how many times I felt bad after our dates, his monologues. I thought it was because I must have been dysfunctional after all and I needed this man to tempt me for ‘better days’ if only I settled.

Dancing is my life. I should come back to this practice every Friday again - as I need to feel that I am a powerful woman capable of both grounding and setting myself free. No man should make me feel otherwise.
I hate to think how many women are staying with their men for all the wrong reasons.

Now I have to remind myself of COMPASSION.... COMPASSION…COMPASSION
Human action is either love, or call for love (Marianne Williamson)
Additionally, this is just my perception. Carl is definitely some girl’s dream dude!
God bless this motherfucker. <Smiley emoticon>
***
I won't write about the new guy much yet, as it’s early days to tell what kind of a person he really is, but I am getting a sense of the role he plays in my life. He crossed my path to remind me that worthiness is an inside job, I must wear my deepest truths upon my sleeve and know that I can be approved of by a human being and actually FEEL it too (as I do with God). I’m amazed how positively charged I'm still feeling since we kissed goodbye 8 hours ago.

The lovely dates with him are getting longer and longer. Who would have thought that we meet at 10am at the markets and leave West End after 3pm.
These dates are like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. They’re mix of revolutionary ideas, some atheistic truths (as the one above from Alain de Bottom) and the bliss of embracing a little of anarchy in one’s personal life.

It feels so good to feel accepted completely, all the aspects of me, as opposed to just hear the words of acceptance - I’ve been there before. Some people call themselves loving and open-minded until they’re not. They nonchalantly accept one's life choices and generously give a form of absolution (As if one did something outrageously wrong), but you don't actually FEEL it.
 - thank you, I'll politely decline this favor!

I believe that people always do their best. It might not be right according to the society's norm, but if it feels right in the gut, then it's most likely the right life choice for YOUR life.

I know that I can be intimidating, loud, inappropriate and crazy sometimes. But at least I don’t claim that I have the manual for life.
On the other hand, Carl would probably find one in his pocket...