Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Before I take the leap

I decided to simplify my life.

I am starting an employment as a Beauty Adviser in Adelaide and hopefully as a volunteer in a local organization (one of my applications must work out!) From then on, I will perform only simple healing massages on the side, and I'll put sex coaching and study of counseling on hold. I have provided enough of personalized feel-good services in my life and I feel like I could use one now.

I came back to Darwin yesterday to attend a couple more Community Services classes.
I can’t stand Darwin anymore.
It’s the worst place I’ve ever lived in.
I wish that 10 months ago I could have just said “Yeah, a beautiful place... to visit. Let’s not live here, please.”

But I didn’t.

However, realizing during my third or fourth trip to Adelaide, that that was the place I could most relate to, wouldn’t have happened had I started with this city right away 2 years prior. 2 years ago I was still healing, I was walking around blind...
Mindlessly moving further and further up north, despite Australians themselves warning me that the northern you go, the rougher the people get, well, I hit the wall.

I now appreciate the soft, gentle Adelaide with its low-key chic lifestyle, European climate and great wine for what it is. A place I feel at home. And I loooove the local shiraz(es)!!!!

I was enjoying the crisp fresh air and wearing warm clothes (and normal boots) this time around.

For those who know me - sure, I might always go there where I see the grass greener. Perhaps I do tend to get bored more easily than the average man and yes, I might still be searching for a place where I belong 'better'. At the age of nearly 31, I still feel like I have no roots.

But hey, if travelling makes me happy...

I met a beautiful soul last week, too. In fact, I met several since January. However, this guy was something quite special.
Spoiler alert, we are not starting together as boyfriend and girlfriend - unfortunately, or fortunately, but in less than a week I grew to like him and I learned a lot - about myself - from him!

M. is younger but wise beyond his years. His eyes are hazel/yellow in a dim artificial light, green under the sun, brown in dawn and blue in a blazing bathroom light. I’ve never seen anything like that before!

We had an intensely intimate moment one evening, without sex, but the intimacy scared me to the point that - without any further inquiry - the next day I reasoned it was best to send M. a goodbye message and let that be..
I wasn’t ready to deal with his possibly emotional response so I blocked his number right away... In reality, I wasn’t ready to deal with my own emerging feelings.

Honestly, who am I and when will I learn?

I unblocked him on my last day in Adelaide and sent him a text asking for a friendship only. I admitted that I had missed him and hoped he could forgive me for what I do - push people away in order to refocus on my mission.

M. is something special though, that’s what I had gotten a glimpse of before letting him get close to me, and what I've learned for sure during our hour long phone call on my last night.
He could see right through me.

I appreaciate this new friendship very much.
M. won’t be in Adelaide when I return, but who cares.... true love lives in the heart.
I'm glad that I am alive and not frigid after 7 months of celibacy.
Yes, I can keep going.

I am not looking for a male company so I can have someone to jump into bed with.
I might be keen to date again. Just as I am sooooooooo keen to move out of Darwin - I can't wait!

Every now and then that feeling of readiness is laced with a little of self-doubt or feeling like I will never find my next soulmate and if, it wouldn't work out for us. Deep down I somewhat know that it can happen. At the same time, I am looking for plan Bs for when it won't happen.
Nuts.

I began to look at dating more seriously, yet not forgetting that I should have fun and take it slowly.
I had two Tinder dates, remembering very well what I used to say to my friends: To shoot me if they'd ever see me on Tinder. 
Well, I deleted my profile on day 3. My first date was trying to fix my life before he even knew anything about it, and he was using wordings like: "If you end up with me..."

On day 7, I restored my account and gave a chance to someone I had chatted with before...
When we met, he was possibly 10 years older than his Tinder pics... but at least I got to see his puppies (as in real little dogs!). The communication wasn't as bad as with the previous man, but I learned why that guy definitely belonged to the app. Sad.
On day 8th, I deleted it for good.

At the end, meeting M. was as organic as it can get, and that's how I prefer it.

I'm waiting happily and I'm eagerly anticipating the moment when my body&mind and spirit align, knowing that we found the right soul to merge with.

For the moment, I keep opening up and observing my judgments and fears.

I am not hanged up on my ex anymore. I suppose that the cathartic moment happend one evening in Darwin 2 months ago when Rowena said that he was taking his current relationship to the next level. After I digested it, it made me relieved. I had no excuses to hold on to any past memories with him. It was time for me to create something new for myself, too.

Then he called me sometime later and talked rather badly about his relationship... I couldn't even believe it.

"Hey, you don't need to put her down if you think that sounding happy would hurt me. I am glad for you..."

Anyway, I began to realize that 2 years of mourning and isolating myself was enough.

June 18, it's been exactly 2 years since my arrival, my last Prague - Sydney flight and since my stupid messages from the airport which were meant to surprise him and make him chase me once again.

Did I honestly think he'd come rushing down from his farm to Sydney to sweep me off of my feet after 4 months of virtual arguing, trying to get over the lies and betrayals on both parts?
Yes.
I had very unrealistic ideas.

Some call it romantic, I call it silly (at best)...

Chapter closed.

xxx

Wednesday, June 13, 2018

Adoption, please...

I care deeply about all the children out there... Personally, having own kids now seems a little selfish to me when there are already so many of them without parents and basic resources.
I will see how I feel in 10 years, but at the moment I like the thought of adoption. If I feel motherly instincts when I’m 40 or so, there are so many options out there offering the possibility to raise little people.

A beautiful, witty and short response to this all-time pervasive question by Marie Forleo:


Monday, June 11, 2018

What's next?

Sitting in a new place in Adelaide, I feel really happy and grateful for everything that is happening in my life right now... I'm in a process of much-anticipated relocation from Darwin, a big career change, total satisfaction about my 'singleton', not using anyone to make my life amazing, only relying on myself and God. Sometimes we can't dream up our life story step by step. Thus, it is those detours that actually lead to what makes us feel the most alive and fulfilled.

I've received a call from my ex several weeks ago, and for the first time ever, I didn't run to the laptop to vent about it here on this blog. The guy whom I fell in love with 3 years ago, the reason why I started this blog so I could write about all the heartbreak we caused each other - called me to say many vain things and some more waste.
I didn't even blink. I just felt queasy afterward. (I worked through that nausea by means of some EFT and meditation.)
More importantly, after the call, I realized that I truly moved beyond forgiveness through gratitude to such an indifference that I had no idea why I even kept in the slightest touch with him.

For that reason, I want to shut down this blog.
Why keep a legacy of one chapter of my life if that should remind me of the ghost of the past that is no longer even haunting me?

It is time to think about a new theme for my new website.
Chapter x is closed. Let's write a new one.
The possibilities are endless and the unknown is exciting.

Friday, June 1, 2018

How to trash a pity party

Caught your thoughts holding a pity party? You should know that you are not the host. It is the confused mind itself that is soaring unchecked, picking up on lost dreams, yours and others', and uncomprehending the unfair rules of society. Unfortunately, you are the guest at this lousy pity party.

There is but one key that opens the door to freedom.
It is time to stop the complaining and bring more appreciation for who we are and what we have.

Feeling grateful coupled with trust (in other words - a self-induced feeling of safety) manifests miracles in one's world.

Gratitude really is the best prayer. 

It is time to act happy... like lunatics. Even if the external world momentarily shows distress or lack of this and that, there is something remarkable about living with the attitude of gratitude and changing one's energetic frequency by forming a smile.
Not only we're bound to lighten up but the outside world will catch up.

There is always something that we've done right. By focusing on our smaller or bigger wins, rather than the loses, we can start feeling proud now, and watch the party draw to an end...

xxx









Monday, May 28, 2018

Crushing the crush - updated

I’m not saying that there has been 'an offer' from someone’s side at all with this post. I’m just losing myself in my realistically vivid imagination.

Today, for the first time ever, I became aware that sometimes it is up to the other woman to resist a temptation, not the man.


If she has a good heart, she must swallow the burning lust, and leave it. Dream about it, if she must, but not to do it.

If we know about the primary woman - the wife, and the children, we are no longer innocent in such a pact. No loneliness dressed in desire’s clothes is that deep that its agenda could be justifiable. Even those who are yet unknown to us would get impacted by the futile crime of passion. 
It is important to me not to bear the blood on my hands.

While in the past I truly wasn’t aware of the possible implications an affair could have on the cheating husband’s wife, I convinced myself to not care and instead, I focused on my legitimate reasons for participating in someone else’s fantasy. Other time, I have not listened to my wiser self, and let loose in quite a dangerous liaison - a product of my fantasy - with my heart wide open. 
Yes, I had excuses for both the first and the second scenario and everything I did in between, but I don’t have any now.

I know that I want to keep doing the right thing, saying no to the questionable things, and protect other women.
Integrity is key.

Again, no offer has been made, just giving myself publicly a much-needed slap :)


P.S: I had a date on Sunday with a single and younger guy. All went well and friendly until he all of a sudden "needed" a kiss. A brief one didn't do, so I guess, touching my hips was the necessary next level. I wonder - what makes a guy think that it is ok to latch onto a girl during a first date? What makes him think that he can touch, that he is invited? Wtf.
I even bought my own food to send him a message that he was NOT INVITED.
And I mumbled that the laksa was the highlight of the day.



Saturday, May 26, 2018

Doing it wrong

My embodying of the feminine went oh so wrong...

I can’t be one or the other, especially not without the approval of the other.
That means - the feminine and masculine polarities within every human body should cooperate to create one happy person.

Wanting to leave an identity where I was passive in many ways in order to feel more 'independent’- was a broken-masculine decision. My inner man wanted to take charge with good intentions so the feminine could flourish in more authentic ways; however, the inner man took over completely.
Consequently, I abandoned my playful feminine spirit but went on a quest to become more feminine - how bizarre was that!

... now I’m asking my inner woman for forgiveness. I see the need for my light masculine to step forward because I can’t embody my femininity without it. This male side of mine always only wanted the best for me: To be protected, safe, have abundance, and enjoy myself... instead, I turned my back to ‘all things controlling and men-like’ and decided to rebel by putting on weight, not letting anyone get close to me, and perhaps acting like a frigid nun. So not like the playful, receiving, energetic Goddess. 

Yesterday, a revelation brought me to a surprising conclusion that instead of trying to fix the feminine by vigorously focusing on doing it ‘right’, I should focus on healing my underestimated masculine…The side of me that I perceived as inherently dark, represented by all the men who hurt me in the past. However, my light masculine is the most beautiful man on the planet! It is that voice that tells me: "Yes, go for it... play..."

My dark masculine maybe doesn’t want to socialize per se, tends to act like a grandfather or a little paranoid control-freak, but that’s ok.
My light feminine - that which likes to go out sometimes to lose herself in a dance to an old-school R'n'B, could use a help of a masculine attribute of protectiveness.

My dark feminine, on the other hand, can be way too nasty to herself, comparing, angry, overeating, overindulging, overspending and still hates all means of control… but it is getting to a place where she does see the need for emotional balance, humility and self-discipline.

The trick is to accept all those dark and light corners of our personality so we may create the person we always wanted to become - and be with.
The help of my stable and protective masculine, that is what I need now.

I used to love reading David Deida’s books. He was the first to introduce me to the dynamics of masculine and feminine energies in relationships. I feel so glad that I have the tools to stop the madness. (My madness.)

I believe that we cannot know the true meaning of a woman or a man until we experience fully all their light and dark. In the same way, we cannot know love until we know its lack. 

What do you need to shine a light on now?

Have a nice weekend! xxx

Saturday, May 19, 2018

How thoughts make us unhappy

...and why I’m so over it.

You might have heard before 
that identifying with our thoughts leads to nowhere… but have you noticed - really noticed - the difference it makes once you stop thinking and take the leap of faith?

I am not talking about courage, but about a whole new way of being.

I am just a mortal…with a special connection to the divine which I feel on daily basis. That doesn’t imply that I always feel happy, safe and loved (unfortunately). There’s no guarantee that embracing my Earth Angel status protects me from getting all tangled up in the workings of the mind.
For the mind works overtime.

It is no secret on this blog that I can struggle with feelings of loneliness, disconnectedness and grief. No one should be afraid of acting authentic. I’m not. [Anymore.]

I went to the church this morning and reminisced about my oldest Brisbane friend who introduced me to the Adventists. I also remembered the LGBTI church I used to visit some Sundays in New Farm. Not 100% lesbian myself, I just wanted to be part of something.

After the service today, I came home a little disappointed - I still thought a lot about my unhappiness!
But I had a plan - helping out at the homeless meal thing would sure make me feel more connected.

I decided that I would help out at the ’Soup Kitchen’ - handing out meals to Aborigines. Oh, how much more it resonated with my heart, rather than sitting and bowing the head to the commands of a righteous priest! I enjoyed preparing the dishes and becoming a part of something bigger. 

In the end, I hugged the ‘church people’ and I felt better.
As I walked home, I noticed one of the Aborigine looking at all the clothes that she bagged for herself at the church fare. She picked up a couple of t-shirts and threw it into the bushes. My first thought was: Must be for her friends…
My second thought was: They don’t appreciate what we did at all, do they?

Anyway… that is how it goes over here.

Whatever it was that distracted me for some time during the 'Soup Kitchen', disappeared - and it would disappear regardless of me seeing the Aborigines leaving the ‘party’ and returning back to their lives unconscious….
I, too, went back to my own world - unconscious. The voice in my head started giving me shit for having privileges as a white person (however, I wouldn’t call myself precisely white). I asked God to remove the guilt. He did.

I went jog-walking and noticed my mind forever reminding me of those dreadful feelings of loneliness and not belonging no matter what I do. My mind was saying I was not 'normal' - moreover - that I didn’t want to be part of the norm - why?! 
The voice told me that if I had a normal job, I would at least stop thinking about my unhappiness. So I recalled the days when I worked for someone - and it was true. I would not think about my unhappiness so often. Why did I leave then? Because the life sucked. I would go to work, play a robot, pay the bills, pile up on the pounds, have a glass of wine every night and then some more over the weekend partying until the wee hours. And then quit in a couple of months.

I can’t do it.

I have to embrace working for myself. 
In Darwin, it is a really brave (stupid) move. Nothing at all happens some days. The other days seem like miracles, however, I need to bite my tongue sometimes and I’d rather not do it.

What is the result? I feel unstable, yet slightly more free. I’m losing weight as I have the time to prioritize spiritual nourishment, I look younger and I feel in control of my life even though the money is inconsistent.. But - I can’t relate to my hard working classmates, the locals and I think about my unhappy isolation a lot.

I jumped into the pool (not quite - it is freezing), poured in a glass of wine, and I slowly started to get it….

It is not up to my mind to stop thinking - it is up to me to stop listening to the thoughts that produce negative emotions. I decided that I wouldn’t listen anymore.
This is not about denial (keep reading)

Every time I get a thought out of nowhere - I recognize it is from something larger than me when it makes sense and it feels good. 
when I allow it to come through the filters of my own mind. I know that that is the path - that is the true me.  
I can hear voices, see things and generally know what will happen most of the time, and sadly, I just don’t believe it. What do I believe in spite of it killing me?
What do we let bring us down?

I did an exercise (not the usual water pull ups and crunches or bicycle.)
I threaded the water, opening the space ahead of me with my hands. I visualized all the obstacles lying in front of me and then waved them off and walked through. It was cool. All I pictured on the surface of the water was basically my mind-crap. All the limiting beliefs and selfish thoughts. I didn’t analyze those, I just moved my hands to get me through it! The more confidence and peace I gained throughout the exercise, the happier I felt. The type of happiness that no-one can take away from you.
Then I stopped in front of the steps leading out of the pool.

Something was waiting for me on the top of the stairs. Something great, all I’ve ever dreamed off. 
All it takes is to trust and go...
I couldn’t do it.

The moment my mind was back at works, I felt powerless and paralyzed.

How to get to the top?
It was clear to me that my mind had no GOOD answers.

I dropped back into my body - Let’s imagine and visualize, I told myself…. what was it?

"You have to work hard at happiness." popped into my mind.
"It is an everyday effort."
"You have to earn it."
"Work hard at it every day…"

Is that so…?I still couldn't move.

I started parting the water with my hands again….
Just clearing the space…
The movement took me away from identifying with the thought…

What if happiness didn’t equal struggle?
I took a step.

What if happiness was just another decision to make and then we keep our word…
I climbed another step…

With my feet still below the water…
Do I have to deserve the right to climb up the ladder?
Am I worthy?


I couldn’t move…
How to feel worthy and deserving?
Do I have to be normal first??

I opened my eyes.
I noticed a small tube that was leading into the swimming pool

"Reach out, connect, accept help… feel worthy of it…"

I touched the tube…
That move made me feel stronger to climb another step.

I sensed a feeling of bliss…

There was just one more step to go and I would be out of the swimming pool… on the top… I would finally live the joyful life I knew belonged to me...

I feel other people's suffering...
How could I feel good about my privileges?

"Don't feel guilty or ashamed - t
here is enough for everybody."
"Just be you."
"Embrace your unigueqness."
"Believe in the best version of yourself…"
"Feel worthy and loved…allow."

And so I did; I climbed out of the swimming pool.

I want to let you know - I wasn’t doing the moving… I was doing the resisting to the moving. I felt like my beliefs literally stopped me from taking a step.

There is a lot of helpful stuff in this post.

Stay with it for a while.



Thursday, May 17, 2018

Counting blessings

I love how life helps me heal naturally. It constantly strives to arrange things so they come back to equilibrium. Not overly long lows, not crazily long highs...
The cathartic moment that I witnessed last week truly changed everything. I began rewiring my brain to see the major traumatic events in my life from a place of safety. I created new nets around those moments. I consciously connected the dots to realize that these events served a good purpose. There are no more fear-filled gaps. Those gaps wanted to be brought to my attention, receive some TLC, so I could start manifesting the kind of future that doesn't resemble the traumatic past. In fact, there is no 'traumatic past' now.
Facing my demons AND embracing them shifted my perspective completely.

I listened to a couple of interviews by Marie Forleo and I felt so inspired. (link below)
Inspiration without action is nothing - not what inspiration is here for! - so I am reaching out where I need to.

Alexis Jones speaks like a fired up guru goddess. She is such an excellent speaker. 
I loved how her man inspired her to devise her talks about sexual assault prevention in such a way that the men in sport's locker rooms would actually listen.
When talking about rape in general, men feel as if being accused or guilty before any sexual deed would even cross their minds. As a result, they switch off to what has been rehashed over and over, especially in the past year. Hence, Alexis would invite these men into the conversation, inspiring their natural protectors within.
"Every man wants to be a hero," she says.

Sarah Jones (unrelated to Alexis, or Bridgette, I think), sparked so much joy in my heart. She is undoubtedly a talented actress, speaker and comedian. One can tell that she loves people. She is beautiful inside out and has a mega-compassion for other cultures and perspectives.
She says: "Being depressed does not help the movement."
It spoke to my soul.
In hindsight, the long wet months in the Northern Territory did offer some opportunities for acting in alignment with my beliefs. But I didn't.
I did not help any social, political, or feminist movement by isolating myself.
The solution, as I came to experience on my own skin, does lie in - CONNECTING.
Feeling disconnected is the right way to hell.
Again, all my past problems stemmed from a lack of communication. I believe that to be true for everybody.

I have been connecting in the past couple of weeks and I feel the difference. The world looks much better when we share our lives with others.
Why do we wait with communication until things hit rock bottom or super-heights?
We don't have to share just tears of sadness or tears of joy.
The time for sharing aspirations, fears, philosophical ruminations, memories and daily wins and loses is always the right time. Which means - it is NOW.

Most of the fears then disappear.

I, for example, don't feel lonely or cut out from my family anymore. I realized that I do not need to come back to the Czech Republic in order to feel safe and loved. I can also wait with my visit, because - we are all connected anyway. I am much better off doing something useful with myself over here at the moment and then come home victorious. I shouldn't run back to the familiar, definitely not without a purpose or as a victim. I'd prefer to win first!
I hug my mum in spirit and she knows it.

Two days ago before sleep, I felt God's/the Divine's love so intensely that it was better than a massage or being in love with a human being.
In fact, I am such a passionate person, there is a good chance that no human being would withstand my fervent fire with its unstable heat.
I am ok with that.
One year ago I would never guess that deciding to be independent and celibate for a year would fill me with so much love, gratitude and presence.
If I wasn't an energy worker, I could miss the physical merging of energy much more. Accordingly, my work with others can be a blessing at times.

I am counting my blessings and continue working on my offerings.

Link to the aforementioned videos: Here


Love,


Pavlina


Wednesday, May 16, 2018

Wine Wednesday #sexual_thoughts

My laptop went on strike. Since I can’t access the fancy schmancy spiritual post I wrote earlier today and need to edit now, this is a quick mobile post:

I had one futile date, one glass of red, one oily Thai dinner, two long car rides and a stomachache.
No, thank you.
Lida’s brother is just not it.
A couple of big red flags, and a few small flags.

Lida already did what she could to keep him from stalking me... but...
One kind message received when I feel low is what it takes to catch me on the hook.
Not sure if he knew about the drama in my house last week, but he offered me a room in his empty 4-bed house.
Not too bad... except, it won’t be just for a rent - not that cheap! I learned that he’d also want my soul and my spare time.
Nope.
Way too dear and a sure way to hell. Don’t need it now and never will.

Of course, he wants to have sex with me.

No amount of “I respect if you want to keep this platonic” bullshit will cover his deeper desire and it won’t make me believe he’d settle for a friendship for a second.

During the ride to the house and back, I dreamt how I would love to be in the company of my teacher instead. That sexy image seemed  shocking, but not so shocking... (since he is smart and hot and I have a history of infatuation by professors.)
Anyway...

I’m going to do whatever is necessary to never need a place in his house or - I hope it’s not too cruel of me - to see him again.

At the dinner I ordered my Wednesday wine. It made me surprisingly dizzy. Could it be that all the alcohol-free days that I’m adding to my week don’t like me leaving a room for toxins?
Perhaps it’s time for a total abstinence...But what will I do when sad, angry or frustrated? 

(Meditate...! yay)

Going all or nothing [regarding sex] makes so much sense to me.
I’ve got a nose for bullshit. I am a Tantrika after all, and my skills can’t hide.

(Sometimes I feel like jumping on random men, but when I give it a little thought, it just passes.)

Sunday, May 13, 2018

Healing trauma etched in the body

’Wine Wednesday’

Yes, it is Sunday - that’s how long it took to recover! (JK)

There won’t be any smart-ass 5 bullets, but there will be some wise words…

Despite not wanting it to become a tradition, I came to like the thought of making a room for a glass of wine once a week.
I don’t go out on weekends (Darwin’s - well, nevermind!) to satisfy my resveratrol and fermented beverage cravings; therefore, the ’party day’ falls in the middle of the week. It seems to break up the adult’s routine nicely.

On Wednesday I hung out with my friend T.
Something minor happened that morning that reminded me of a major trauma I had experienced as a 15-year-old. I used that pain as an excuse to well, have more than my usual one glass!

Indeed, I didn’t live in the present moment that day. Instead, I was taken back nearly 16 years into the past, where I received a very bad news.

Almost identical news then have repeated in my life in different forms and shapes periodically - I even began expecting those without a doubt.

I knew about that outdated program of mine, of course, I did.

(You know how sneaky those are!)

I was aware of my own recreating of it somehow. Over the last decade, I tried different modalities to heal myself from the shock. I wanted to prevent slipping back into the pattern of unwittingly choosing the kinds of people and places which would eventually trigger that type of trauma again. I can’t tell you how many times I was reminded of the scared 15-year-old girl though!
Obviously, based on my Wednesday’s panic attack, I had not succeeded in overcoming that obstacle.
(Spoiler alert - the issue got resolved and things are back to normal/not so normal)

The point is - how long before yet another similar event strikes?

On Thursday I felt grateful for my inability to think (due to ehm, a headache) The more I analyze myself and the things past, the messier it gets. That must be why I like CBT (Cognitive Behavioral Therapy), coaching and Dr. Dispenza’s research. These don’t care about Freud and his reasons!

No more thinking about my childhood and finding explanations for my re-creating of familiar negative experiences.

I listened to Dispenza again, and I began implementing his strategies on myself at last.
The past is past.
Here I am today, and I must train my body into feeling safe.
Yes, my body - not the brain.

We usually relate fear to memories of something that happened to us or others in the past which we immediately project into the future.
As per Dr. Dispenza’s research, we must stay present and create the future from nothing.

The muscle memory of the body is so ingrained though. People get involuntary panic attacks, people get repeatedly unwell, damn - people get cancer because of things past for which they haven’t forgiven.
That is my belief anyway.

Unforgiveness is not my case. (Funny, I just picked up cards 96 - FORGIVENESS and 6 - LOVE. Well, my angels know best!)

Could it be mistrust? (Therefore, I DO need to forgive - God, myself, those who were involved.)

My mind has her own explanations; my body, however, keeps an emotional score of the ground opening up beneath my feet and swallowing me whole 16 years ago, upon hearing the bad news.

Apparently, we have to focus on healing the body’s learned response, instead of trying to analyze why we do what we do.

I will focus on creating an emotional safety net around that event and my body. Such intention will cause new feelings - those of trust. If I trust that I am, and have always been, moving in the right direction - NOT towards doom (as previously anticipated), I will make better - different - choices and take new actions. Behavior in alignment with my deeper desires? Yes, please!
The body will soon start to relax and trust me.
I do not want to have childish (literally) excuses for fearing certain outcomes possibly happening anytime, anywhere in the futire.
Present moment, Pavlina, present moment and pure consciousness...

Trust is a big theme. (Now, Dr. Dispenza didn't talk about that, but...)

Have you ever wondered how much your body actually trusts that you’ve got its back? That Life/Universe has got your back? - you might be great at tricking yourself, talking your mind into something, or denying it and then hoping for the best - but it never quite works, does it…

I suggest that we address the malware in the manifesting autopilot, turn it off and chuck it out!

Feeling so wise today,

here are my (or Angels') final words which came to me during a little meditation in the swimming pool:

”There is always a path of the least resistance. That path is still in an alignment with your values and desires but additionally, that is where you don’t need to compromise yourself or anyone else. You already have all that it takes to walk that path.”

Let's create something new from a place of 'nothing'.

It made so much sense, it answered everything.

I can see clearly what I have to do.

Ponder it for yourself. What are you going to do to heal on all levels?