Tuesday, December 13, 2016

Don't worry about learning the 'hard' way

(Another long post, but a good one, I promise!)

Why there isn't any bullet-proof solution for getting over a heartbreak...or getting over anything really.
(Ugh, I know, we all wish for an easy way out sometimes.)

Although the nature of break-ups is at the core nearly always the same, the outter layers of those delicate situations are unlike one another. The slight variations are what we should work with, I believe, in order to get to the core and then start anew with a clean slate. 
Human beings can relate to pretty much everything that other people experience (what a beautiful ability that is!), we can recognize ourselves in another’s pain even if the story is different; However, respecting that couples’ heartbreaks are unique and tricky, is the only way to fully heal the particular people in question.

All my breakups felt different, and the uncovering of my patterns happened over several relationships. Patterns are sneaky. I cannot categorize break-ups into easy / difficult, additionally, I  have only my body&mind&spirit to check-in with regarding what actually happened. It takes two to tango, and working on what was missing for me is just half the job. 
->What was missing for the person whom I was involved with? What did I fail to offer, what gifts of mine were they unable to receive? 
Unfortunately, if there wouldn't be any communication between us and our exes, we would never discover what the other person felt like when: we had all of a sudden run away from them, when they were the ones to finish whatever was happening between us, or when they first sabotaged the relationship and it drove us to breaking it off.
All situations were unique and we had to deal with the unique circumstances surrounding them.

Is there any ultimate cure for not having those heartbreaks repeated ever again?
There is none without experiencing your patterns fully - there are actions you can take to achieve different results, but only you know which ones they are (the actions and the results you want to have).
The shit that has already happened will always stay there, in the past. The essential thing anyone ready for a change and willing to transform needs to believe is that the past doesn’t define the future (the last time I heard this phrase it was from Tony Robbins, I think). I could advise to act in any way you don’t find familiar in order to banish the unconscious patterns of the same unserving behavior, but you won't cure yourself that way.
Moreover, if you slide back into something familiarly dysfunctional - well, it’s human, it’s inevitable.
We learn new things at each own’s pace…. step by step till they make sense and become a second nature.

Don’t worry about trial and error. Those mistakes are vital for your personal growth and for learning about the ways that could or couldn’t work for you to ultimately heal you and make you happy! There is no ultimate cure because even if those (correct) ways were universal, if someone told you, it won’t guarantee a prevention from any possible future disappointments. One must experience 'mistakes' on their skin to understand them - especially those stubborn people [like me].

The willingness to understand yourself better, and the patience when evolving from one stage to another is a good enough start to get yourself from a place of sadness, through gratitude to ultimately something much happier. 
I am sure that we can’t sneak our way to “the happy ending” by skipping those stages - whether it’d be anger, resentment, grief&despair or promiscuity, drinking down the pain, hoping for reconciliation and further reaching out to our exes, because, brace yourself… the lessons we’re meant to learn would come anyway but in another form! It could be another not-so-good relationship. 
How long do you want to wait before adopting the lessons learned?

Have you ever felt perplexed regarding a school subject and painfully stressed out over learning it? The school of life is much more intense! 
So, to become more fulfilled human beings, let's get out there, take any action and learn. This post just came to a conclusion that making mistakes is far more enriching than waiting around for somebody to tell you what to do to move forward.

I have learned the ‘maximalist’ way in this past relationship. I literally MAXED OUT my efforts to “turn the statue real” (Rori’s concept for making an emotionally unavailable man to step up when he’s incapable/not willing/not ready/)
I made so many mistakes, but when it became clear to me that I maxed out all the possible ways of acting in that 'relationship', I reached a peace of mind and was able to effortlessly stop! Isn’t that hilarious?
My guy was emotionally invested as much as he could/ was capable of back then. I knew that he had never been in a serious relationship before, nor he’d lived full-time with anyone. 
I am not the woman to wait around to see him transform into a man who’s not afraid of intimacy - because I am still afraid of intimacy myself.
If he’ll want to change his patterns, he’ll make the necessary steps - perhaps by more of “trial and error” and one day the right woman for him appears. She’ll have it easy then!
I wish them the best, and I am turning inward to see what I can do to discover what lies on the other side of my fear.

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