Thursday, April 27, 2017

Awakened Woman - Phoenix interviews Peggy Oliveira

I loved this interview with Peggy Oliveira.

"we can’t just meditate" "we must consciously honor the pain." - Peggy Oliveira

About your underlying shame:
"what are you afraid to share?" - Peggy Oliveira

"you can’t give love without being vulnerable" - Peggy Oliveira

"you’re never totally healed from anything, because life is hard" - Peggy Oliveira

"keeping secrets takes a lot of energy" "you are liberating others to truth." - Phoenix

Is this the end to my breakup healing? (summary)

Ralf started my journey of ‘recovery’ from the slight (quite fucked up) obsession with my Ex. I simply realized that there were men out there to be admired, men that suited me better with their emotional and mental capacity…. 
It wasn’t meant to be physical with R - I am glad that I didn't push R’s unspoken reasons for not sealing our connection on the physical plane as well as the emotional one (where we did), so I appreciated him for respecting my own boundaries - shamefully, I created those so I could keep mourning. I couldn't sleep with him because I still felt unready.

R left the country; however, I stopped dreaming about my ex. In exchange, I couldn’t stop dreaming about what could have been with R. 
When that faded a bit, Adam filled most of my lonely moments and replaced them by the hands-on practicalities of a casual intercourse. It wasn’t earth-shattering, yet it was enough for what it was worth - a distraction. 
When that ceased to exist as well, I couldn’t put away dealing with my demons any longer… I broke through the blues by taking responsibility for how I felt, what I longed for, and what was missing in my life… Once I fully embraced my own emptiness - the empty space that I kept for the masculine man who would 'fulfill me' - and I courageously unleashed the divine masculine that has always been there right next to my divine feminine essence, I felt united. 
I reached a union within me, I felt totally satisfied with all the aspects of me, I embraced my sexuality (my masturbation rituals), I did a couple of Tantra workshops, established deeper connections with my clients and random people I came across.... and then … then another man appeared. 

This time I was very close to feeling how I always wanted to feel: Raw, yet aware of the rawness; fucked up, yet accepting of the fuckedupness; vulnerable, yet comfortable in that discomfort of vulnerability; and loving - but knowing that love is not a good enough reason to lose all our senses.

That man (J) didn’t cross my path to become ‘mine’. He crossed my path to lift me up higher towards my potential. He crossed my path while possibly looking for an escape from his momentarily unhappy domestic life. I could have been his drug he didn’t get addicted to; his adventure, he couldn't sustain; his safe haven, he didn't have the time to hang out in for longer than necessary.

I'm glad he found his way....
Even though I said one thing and meant another.... ("no" - but meaning "yes, stay")
I am the supposed divine master, and I am supposed to know better. I'm lovingly letting go of this bird...

Any traces of lusting after my ex are gone.
Thank you, God! It's been a rollercoaster year but I am extremely grateful for everything.

So am I healed?
"You’re never totally healed from anything, because life is hard" - Peggy Oliveira

I met someone new - THE [happy] END

How an innocent goat tried to romance a fine rabbit

The best thing about J’s and mine connection was the uncensored, uninhibited HONESTY.

I didn’t have to pretend I was someone I wasn’t. I just tried to be my amazing self more often, but I wasn’t always so, so I apologized when my words cut as a sharp knife. 

He didn’t have to act amazing all the time either, he didn’t pretend to be a prince charming and he didn’t strive to make me believe that all things were perfectly aligned in his life. He shared authentically about his past, and he knew how to make fun of himself, which helped because I loved making fun of certain aspects of his life. It made the brief romance so pure and easy on our sensitive hearts.

What can I say… it was my fault - I seduced him. Something in me just wanted to consume that man and be consumed by him.

I experienced a sense of familiarity when he came to see me.
J wasn’t just good looking but also very good natured…

Too early, yet legitimately, I rejected him as a potential boyfriend material, then tempted him back in for sex, while on my quest to turn him into a potential lover.

I tend to make my romantic relationships about sex anyway - to stay in my comfort zone. That’s how deep is my fear of getting hurt if I show how much I care or how smitten I am.

Still, he belonged somewhere else.

I can’t feel guilty for being the one who switched on the green light for the sexual escapade to take place. He was in the process of separation, which made it (probably) permissible to escape into the arms of another woman. Regarding myself, I was a single sleeping beauty with a dormant vaginal sex machine.
And J deserved to be touched by a spiritual, loving woman.

The sex was too good to be true. I could get used to that!… The last time a man had me in the bed for 2,5 hours was when I was 20 (Hello, Russel). Then the second one shortly afterwards (Gilbert) enjoyed me sleeping by his side for 8, but the love-making was never as throughout and intense. 
But I could have just forgotten...

Sex with J was what I had been dreaming of the whole past year. A masculine man with a body to die for affectionately consuming me and loving every bit of me… then the romantic long soul gazing during and after… I must have done something right to manifest those prayers for deeper sexual experience with just as involved human being.

It wasn’t all about sex… (although it felt damn great, and I’ll never forget the naughtiness in the nappy changing room by the beach), we also talked and shared like two long-time old souls. In the short 3 weeks we talked more than I’ve ever had in 5 months of on and off affair with Adam.

Plus there was the yoga, the pilates, the swimming, and the dinners...

I can’t feel sorry for changing my mind, taking the risk, and going all the way with J.

But I slapped myself on the cheek, sobered up and released him from my clutches….fly little bird…into the new beginnings… save your partnership…if you can… keep the family intact.

Here comes a quote from Teal Swan :
“ Stop loving people, start understanding them.”

What else I've learned in this speedy romance:

  • I don’t have to give more than what I’m being given. I don’t have to give anything, except love. 
  • People must learn each other’s love language
  • Sex (physical touch) is not enough. Spending quality time together, be of service to one another, words of affirmation and gifting each other with little thoughtful stuff are also essential. 
  • Romantic men with poetic hearts could be my next new thing! It looks like I started digging men who can tap into their feminine side that appreciates beauty. That being said - 
  • My fear of intimacy gets triggered by those poetic male hearts! Big Time! 
  • Handling my jealousy is still kinda hard … and now I know that it’s challenged by thoughts of not being good enough and viewing other women/children/men as a threat - maybe a past work-related fear that I could be replaced anytime. Then I try my hardest to be a sex siren and it feels like I’m just affirming myself that I am no good for anything else. This vicious cycle is about to stop. I uncovered it, experienced it, and off it goes… bang
  • If we listen…. actively listen…. not plan our response ahead, not judge the words being heard, but if we really listen… we know. I heard “addictive personality” “disorganized” “looking for a unicorn” “in an ideal world” “overspending” ——— those weren’t indications that I was supposed to “save” this man, neither run away from him (because we were so alike), but they were good enough warning signs (alarm bells) that it wasn't advisable to fall in love there. Sex yes, but careful with your extra freebies... 
  • Commitment to anything is GOOD, noble, mature, it gives one an integrity, depth and expands the heart. Looking outside of an entity we gave life and power to (a relationship, business, a hobby), and which made us grow as human beings in return, is a form of an escape that is bound to backfire. Bang, bang
  • Commitments could be broken, of course, and sometimes they must be. To preserve our integrity, in an ideal world, everyone involved should speak their truth and decide upon the best resolution.
J mentioned I could look into a career of a relationship counsellor….. ahahahahaha.

Who would have thought that the long-time escapist could actually create a brand new beginning utilizing the lessons she learned when she began staying, committing, and completing things?
Could I actually help people start doing the same? 

Regarding relationships… are they always worth saving? When are we staying for the highest and happiest good of all concerned and when are we leaving for the highest and happiest good of all concerned? Is staying the ultimate selfless sacrifice? Is living apart but taking care of one another possible? - isn't that better than living together and not really caring?
I could do some research about this…

How about staying where you don’t belong? I don’t necessarily mean romantic relationships now, but how about work where you are not happy, an outdated calling, or drug habits and places that feed your unhealthy addictions?

I am glad that I untangled myself from my previous career…I am not fully out of the essence of it (I’m embracing any residues of shame and controversy in a meaningful way. Wink.) but I’m doing much more with my life as I have a firm grip of it now! And I never say 'yes' when I want to say 'no'. If that was the only gift I gave to myself - my past experience was worth it!

Could I've saved my previous relationship? 
I could have tried. But it would be a 'one-person battle' an I wouldn’t spread much goodness in it all by myself. Nevertheless, two people fighting for the same thing, having the same values and enough love for one another to feed the relationship (as a separate entity they once gave life to) - yes, I believe that is sustainable!

Friday, April 21, 2017

I met someone new - absolution

Ok, J is not as bad as I portrayed him. 
I was scared... scared of my feelings for someone so gorgeous. His poetic heart is equally as appealing as his kind eyes and masculine body. 
Discovering that his baggage was bigger than mine (for a change), sounded as an exciting news.
However, he manages like a superhero. Is there such a thing as 'wrong timing' for two souls to meet? Or is it all perfect the way it is and isn't... ? (yes)
My split personality entertains itself with few interesting conversations among its parts.
One says "When he crashes, I'm there for him."
The second scorns: "Here you go, you make him appear needy coz' you need to be needed to feel good about yourself."
And the third persona laughs "No, you won't be there for him. Come on, you'll run away!"
Well, it looks like we all have a nice chat together and the mind is wired full on.
Anyway, Tuesday wasn't the end of him/us, and it looks like there is some continuation... or at least I hope that last night wasn't a dream! 
It would have been a pretty wet dream...

I'll check in again.

Update on nutrition for wellbeing

Tuesday, April 18, 2017

What does (in)fidelity in(ex)clude

Better not to read J’s messages again. It all sounds too complicated. I consciously chose not to take in the early red flags. I rather pretended/hoped that those hints were a good sign of his honesty. The “by the way” lines about his past… Now I see that this man could have been a compulsive liar, cheater, and possibly weak-willed regarding stimulants.
(idea for my next research - are some men predestined to lying, cheating and selfishness? JK. It would do my head in)
On the other hand, I have immense compassion for people who had to grow up too fast due to circumstances - like having newborns; or had to deal with certain tragedies and then fell off the wagon.

But then he said “I have couple of kids, their mum lives just around the corner, we are in the process of separation…” 

what he probably meant: just around the corner of my bed.
Would he cheat on her [again], or would he cheat on me (in a possible future)?

Maybe I just want to remind myself, and other naive creatures - let’s not underestimate the red flags again. Ever.
Lies, lies, lies in the past = bullshit, bullshit, bullshit in the present… God, when will my bad Karma regarding men get complete???

Well, who am I to judge…

After he left I felt a slight lostness, tightness on my chest and a strange emptiness. After all, I still liked him. 
I went out jogging after work and I gradually began feeling better. However, not suffering headaches normally, I must have been carrying a heavy brick where my head used to be.

I did my best to breathe and utilize the endorphins, but hey, thoughts of J crept in every so often. Then it was Him, and then there were other men from my past, mostly those who left me for someone else.

While looking over the Brisbane river it occurred to me, that I don’t have the answers to whether relationships should be monogamous or not… Also, is there such thing as monogamy-EX-inclusive ?

Until I can honestly say that I would not sleep with my ex if I saw him again, then perhaps the right guy who’d wish me to commit to exclusivity (not including exes either) should wait with his appearance in my life… but that’s not helpful. I can’t say that I wouldn’t sleep with my ex again because - there is no one better whom I can think of right now. If I fell in love with someone else, I would (hopefully) forget all about having sex with my ex. (P.S: still not wanting that guy back in my life, no way, but sometimes thoughts about him between my legs do creep in :/)

Anyway, hear this story...
I had no appetite, but I thought I should eat something substantial for dinner. I was drawn to this Thai place that I passed by many times in the past. I ordered, sat down and started answering a short survey on my phone. While ticking off those mundane questions, finally shifting my focus off of the recent events - big, fat tears began rolling down my cheeks. So powerful, unstoppable, and gracefully silent… I was glad it was so late in the evening, the restaurant was not too busy and only dimly lit.

I love that when we allow the mind to rest, whether it’s through some easy reading, meditation, massage, sex, or engaged listening to someone’s monologue, we drop down into the body and start to feel. All the emotions come to the surface, so we may experience them physically.

It was very cleansing…and necessary. The headache stopped and I felt more at peace.
I was able to eat and ENJOY the curry…

Then steps in a tall and familiar figure. This excellent timing could happen just to us, experienced manifestors!

I’ve not talked about this guy previously, as I had left the gym prior to starting this blog in September. A good-looking Swiss bloke I lost contact with. He chatted me up once while I tried to maintain my wobbly planks and then we parted with something like “see you later”, and later never came….

Funny. Once he noticed me tonight, he left his table and 3 other pals and spoke with me for several minutes, not forgetting to ask for my number this time.
I'm not sure if I'm still attracted, but any encounter is a holy encounter...

Coffee date next week   ✔.

I met someone new

Not wanting to be rude, nor ungrateful for his share of enrichment to my human experience….He was just a kid (a playful one and damn handsome).

Two years shorter of 40, yet…living the life of a boy half his age. Bring on all the cakes and let me eat them too! So, let’s call him J (for Joke)

A really, really good-looking man. From a distance you could see the wide, cheeky smile full of bright white teeth, and up close the perfect athletic body. I’ve always admired broad shoulders. A guy with a nice back (ass included) and strong thighs has been my kind of 'beauty ideal'. There was an instant emotional connection too (perhaps due to perfectly matching Western and Chinese star-signs?) However illusional, or real, I felt joyful each time we met or I received a cute text from him.

J was kind and a feast for the eyes… unfortunately, not everything one could feast on is actually worth feasting on (yes, think of those sugary, perfect looking, sponge cream cakes…)
We shouldn’t, right, ladies and gentlemen?

It felt so empowering to kick him out of my door today. 

Ok, I didn’t do it literally… I used loving words...

I was becoming well aware of our chemistry… It has grown ever since I met him 2 weeks ago…We kissed on our second date and I got more hooked… despite him being a father of two children (it used to be a deal-breaker), I liked that extra identity of his.

It paid off to wait [with sex] and ask more questions today 
(Ah, I so wanted for it to happen today! Insert a desperate emoticon here:'( ) 
It occurred to me to ask an innocent question like: "Are you really separated? "

It turned out that no. In fact, he still shared a bed with his partner, because the house was too small… 
And a relevant one:
"So the kids have no idea you guys want to separated?" 
Turned out that him and his 'ex' are actually, seemingly, staying together for the kids…
(Who else... ?)

Then came the most important questions:

"Do you honestly think I will be an accomplice to your extramarital affairs? Do you honestly think I want to be someone’s mistress?"

And out of the door he went.

Shame. I am sure he would have been an excellent fuck.
But probably a worse lover. 
How could someone else’s man love me the way I deserve?

Above all, I deserve to be seen… sure, he had no problems taking me out in the city… fairly anonymous I suppose… but I began to dream about being introduced to his kids (at some point)
Oh my, what was I thinking….? 
Hang on, I know, maybe I just BELIEVED him when he said all that time ago that he was separated???

Luckily, it’s banished before it could have caused any significant harm.

More on my mental recovery later....

Unfortunately, I was too quick to judge him and the situation... I am not the best judge of the matters of the heart and someone else's drama. I felt threatened by his obligations to his family, plus I thought I was setting myself up for a personal disaster. I should have just let that flow and love him the way he was, without constructing an idealized future for us.

Wednesday, April 5, 2017

What sickness taught me

I’ve been a little under the weather this week. Uhh, little, well on Monday I thought I was dying!
I had a fever and the chills made me dress as if it was -20, and sleep under three doonas.

But I refused to take any chemicals to make myself feel better. It was my flu and it needed to run its course.

Garlic, ginger and lemon tea along with vitamin C and echinacea lozens were my best friends.

On Tuesday I felt so much better. Today I felt mostly great - speaking in a sexy hoarse voice and blowing my nose every now and then. I suspect that tomorrow I’ll be back to my vital self.

You see, if I took panadol or some other medicine for colds, I could have been “addicted” for a week.

Anyway, my illness didn’t teach me that the power of nature always wins over artificial aids - I already knew that.

I did lots of EFT tapping on my pain and emotional feelings. I discovered some buried intentions behind my fatigue, past stress, overwhelm, loneliness and anxiety. It was tied to my ex, yes, but clearly I created such patterns somewhere along the journey, in my childhood perhaps. 

I thought about the ways men used to treat me. I was their “escape” from all the hardwork they were so consumed by. Their life, although seemingly full and "rich", felt like a drag to them. Who created it? They did, no one else. 
In their defense, I attracted those kind of men right into my life. I lured them in, and waited till they became my “entry ticket” to the life I have always dreamed of, yet was unable to create. Thus, they treated me as an escape, and I treated them as an entry ticket. A match? Yes, a match made in hell. I could never get what I wanted!

Now I know that the most essential relationship we have is the one we have with ourselves. Then inevitably, the more I love my life, no matter how busy, full or boringly quiet it seems, the more I attract happy people into my life. And we all benefit.

When I'm not waiting for someone to help me become someone, so I could 'unbecome' the one I was so unhappy with (e.g. all my past identities), when I'm not waiting for my entry ticket to come from the outside, I see that it is already here. I am someone - the one I decide to create. I make the choice and work towards it. I can claim it, adopt it, and own it.
Changing identities, becoming who I always wanted to be, wasn't easy. But I don't like easy. I love growing into it and working for it - by the constant effort of focusing on love, faith and gratitude.
Oh yeah, and compassion and NON-JUDGMENT - towards others and myself.
Looks like I found what I was looking for! :)

What escape or entry ticket are you waiting for?

On another note, being a little "powerless" while sick, and showing some vulnerability to God and the Universe, I received tons of miracles this week. 
That has been something mind-blowing.
When I take off my amour and I say (in a sexy hoarse voice) "I can't do this without some help, God. I need this and that, but I see no way..", He f*ing rushes in.

Just ASK.

Saturday, April 1, 2017

Breaking up with wine (and chocolate)...

... is the hardest thing ever ?!
Why do we turn to these two substances when we feel doom and gloom?

About two weeks ago I felt like more and more wine….
Was that my PMS?
I resisted, I gave in, I resisted, I gave in; A vicious cycle.

Mind you, I never have more than two glasses - half a bottle - in one day. Mostly less.

I sat in silence and looked at my oracle cards…

Afterward I went to the fridge and pulled out a half-drunk bottle from the previous night.

(Normally, I drink my reds warm, but I put them in the fridge if I think they could last there for few more days… haha)

I said out loud:

“Wine, thank you, it was very nice to meet you. But now we have to break up. You know, long-term it wouldn't work out...
I enjoy optimism, faith, joy, and a clear mind...
If something comes across and clouds my judgment, I ask the divine for help. Thank you, God/Universe/Angels/My higher self, we will face it straight and resolve it. As always.”

Then I tipped it into the sink.

The cards that helped me with this conclusion:
Grandfather Sky
The Spirit Of Fire
Card 13 - Effort
Card 78 - Spiritual Career

So why is breaking up with wine the hardest thing ever?
Because many of us keep coming back to it!
Our little never-ending affair.

This Thursday, two weeks later since that incident, it was raining nonstop from early morning till late at night. There were floods all over the coast and I wanted to get out of the apartment, check who was alive, what was open and also to do some exercise (in a gym). 
I don’t have a car (nor open license for that matter), so I was battling the rain and wind with just my umbrella, and needless to say, I still looked as if the umbrella had holes in it.

I thought the endorphins from exercise would help, but no.
(I didn’t work hard enough?)
A bar I have around the corner was open. I didn’t have to think twice. That sort of weather called for something hot, or something warming…. Let's have some red wine!

It was so…. soothing.

Then I began reminiscing about Him… and we consequently started to text…

I had my best intention to leave after the glass was empty.
But he second glass from the barman was for free.
I must have looked like I needed it.

I got home, had a super hot shower - first in 5 months (don’t get me wrong, I shower every day, but the hot Queensland’s weather makes me enjoy cold water)

I felt much better and I also slept like a baby.

What is the difference between drinking at home alone when a little fear pops up in my head, or drinking outdoor with or without someone just because the “conditions” are calling for it?

First of all, what are the "right" conditions?

If I’m drinking because I’m sad, wine puts me down even lower. If I’m drinking because I don’t like rain and soulless streets, well, I don't feel guilty then.

Checking with my integrity...

How about drinking because I’m out, having fun and I’m happy? - that almost never happens. I don’t crave alcohol when I’m with friends, truly happy and content. 
Ok, I hardly ever go out either!

To be true to my integrity, I'd like to give up alcohol completely.
Rainy days are a childish excuse.

I feel strong and full of gratitude when I face my fears and don’t drown them in alcohol. It doesn’t matter in how little or big amounts. Resisting the quick fix is more gratifying.

If it starts to rain again, I’ll remind myself of the “wine break-up talk”.
Likewise, of my friend Olga's wise words, "the sun will soon shine again".

Our brilliant minds save the day

I’ve been observing Tom since September or so. Although that is not a long time at all, I intuitively feel his personality and the way his mind works…. his thoughts produce certain emotions in his body on which he then acts accordingly.

That’s how all of us operate.

I sense what he thinks about the world - a great place full of bothersome people. He has few old best friends, and he can be very social, yet selective, and not more frequently than once a week. The other days he spends working, reading and being physically active in solitude.

The invitation for today’s visit didn’t end up as easy and straight-forward as it first seemed.

Flooding on the coast had him warn me last night that today might not be happening. 
Well, I’d be happy if somebody told me how MY mind works!

I began making my own adjustments…. so when I got a text later this morning confirming open roads, I was half way through convincing myself that the trip wouldn’t be happening, and perhaps it was best to stay in Brisbane and do some work.

Then I concluded that if I turned up in the evening to cook for him a decent vegan meal (as planned), it would still be alright.

But I must be too boring for this 65 year old chap. 
This was the message:

Let's raincheck - J. and C. are at Peppers Salt for wedding, and I got invited to reception  after the meal then party after so will go as don't want to potentially sit at home on rare night out and I need a fun night after hard week on build - mega stress times. Gonna let my hair down!

So he chose to party.
It could be all there is, but also… No.

I understand this man. He just doesn’t want to wait until his newly vegetarian friend finally arrives, cooks some rabbit food and won’t even have a drink of red wine!


That’s Tom. You’re welcome to his mind.