Sunday, December 18, 2016

People change #sex&emotions

Admitting to my horniness and putting it out there caused some extraordinary reactions! Surprisingly, none of those men could have had a way of finding out about my blog and reading about my hormones.

I began receiving texts with invites to go out, hang out, and also offers for assembling my new furniture.
Some out of the blue compliments came from an old flirt of mine, Adam.
I can see that good things come to those who wait…
Regarding sex, I learned that patience is, indeed, a virtue. Of course, I learned that the maximalist-hard way. I run into walls head-first one time too many. Brief, impossible romances which I wished to sustain, and encounters which I’d rather not remembered. I managed to get enough 'leverage' and realized that this kind of coupling is just NOT for me.

Too painful for someone who secretly hopes for happy-ever-after.

(or a really great sex?)

I think there is nothing wrong about sleeping with an attractive stranger, safely, per se. By all means, go ahead and try that as many times as you feel it is still ’working’ for you. Meaning - you are being detached enough and still having all the fulfillment you seek… 
There are rules to one night stands.
If it stops being fun, and it turns into lonesome, depressing, and frustrating - try something different. Like - waiting - for example. 
Waiting for someone who’ll tick more boxes than just:
✔able to have an intercourse.

Have I been waiting? 

Yes, kind of, the last couple of years. I have made some ‘mistakes’ along the way.

Whom have I been waiting for the last 10 months? 

I’d say that a husband material.
But my needs are getting the better of me now that I am single and aware of it!

Can one wait alongside a non-husband/wife material?
Hm, that is the question… Yes, but unattached & not in love.

I choose to keep my sight on the horizon, but also listen to my urges if the time, place, person and most importantly - my emotions - are right.
Until my husband material arrives, I could be fine with casually seeing Adam. Maybe exclusively, but unattached. After all, he’s scheduled to leave Australia very soon. That's right, he is an Aussie, and he’s lived in Brisbane all his life, but just when I [decide to] give him a "second chance", he announces he’d be moving. 
For somebody who knows my patterns - this must seem so unbelievably hilarious. Here I go again, dating the same sort (foreigners, tourists, passersby, married, busy, or in any way unavailable...).
Sure, this "time ultimatum" makes our arrangement only easier.
Am I aware that my fear of intimacy is at its most comfortable zone here? Yes, I am, and off I go.

I met A. in late August, he went on courting me for several weeks, I resisted him, but in few more weeks he managed to get into my bed (somehow). After a few meetings we sort off let it go (for millions or zero reasons). In November he texted couple of times, but I didn’t feel like continuing. He was not really the best rebound, because I wasn't healed during or after I'd gone all the way with him - I think I felt worse, 
I was still stuck on a past boyfriend, making wrong moves in order to get unstuck, and pretending to be stronger than I really was.
And I would have still preferred Him in my bed - up until recently.

It was like seeing A. for the first time tonight.
I was being present, comfortable, FREE, and enjoying all of the date!
The past failure of our encounter must come down to me - was that even Me, the over-analysing and empty-feeling girl in a bed with this man just couple of months ago? It couldn't have been, judging by tonight.

“With self-discipline and action, I make my dreams come true”
- Michele Buchanan

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