Saturday, December 31, 2016

Starting over doesn’t suck.

Starting over doesn’t suck.
It’s a wonderful opportunity to build something new.
Do not compare your progress to someone else’s.
Take it at your own pace.
Love yourself.
Respect your dreams.
Break free from negative emotions and negative people.
Make new friends..

There will be frogs to kiss, there will still be people mirroring your outdated self, people you shouldn’t be with, but there will also be amazing individuals - some you won't be able to capture, and that's fine. Keep visualizing, keep creating, keep living and enjoying YOUR life, and what is yours will find you.
Someone will want to share their joy with yours very soon.

Prayers for 2017 from me - I pray that you don’t stay too long somewhere where you don’t belong.

I wish you all the strength and courage you need to live with yourself happily ever after! 

Lots of love, health, and happy sharing with others! xox

Friday, December 30, 2016

Honor your scars (But don't let the past dictate your future)

I was asked what I thought hurt the most about breakups.

I think that it’s the vision of a painful new start in the unknown. The vision of something sad and lonely we’ll have to go through, and the hard-work ahead to dream new dreams.

It hurts because we're saying goodbye to the world as we know it, and after 'breaking free' we’re going to have to emerge as new people. That unknown territory is frickin’ scary. However, the vision is not real.

If I knew back then that less than 1 year later I would be this happy, I could have laughed already. As Tony Robbins mentioned during his gig - there are situations we assess as “Someday, I will laugh at this”. Tony proposed “Why wait?”

Well, waiting because we’re not lunatics? ;)

Hurting after breakup is inevitable.
But remember, perhaps one year later… you’ll happily laugh at the prior vision of doom.

Yesterday I had to do some forgiving all over again. Not to Him, but to me.
Describing the sneaky and subtle alarm bells which were hugely (completely) inspired by Him, made me sick to the stomach.

Why did I stick around for so long?
Why did I think that he needed to change in order for me to feel happy?

I wasn’t centered at all.

I went to my pilates class after work, still having the queasiness inside, where I heard one of the sad tunes from Adele (not the one I would have sung 6 months before). It had me shivering. A frustrating, longing world of the past. "Sorry" we were, but it is all a history.

I imagined my heart, deep red, just recovered from a trauma, but beautiful and pumping. Then I saw this tiny scar on the upper left side. It was ingrained. Never disappearing. A very finely patched up wound. Smooth, one pronounced - thick line. No damaged tissue around it. In fact, it looked nearly perfect. A piece of art.

That scar is part of my story. It represents the broken hopes, broken trust, broken people and beyond - it also represents what I used to be willing to put up with.
Still, it seems like nothing major had happened, yet everything came crashing down at once and today, I carry this perfect tiny scar on me.
Carrying it actually doesn’t hurt at all.
I can simply own it, and wear it like the other scars indicating my brokenness - with enough of respect and pride.

If the scar is already there, what else can we do than treasure it?
Scars develop so we may function again, sometimes even better.
Let’s make it better.

Perhaps we needed that long experience of suffering to help someone else suffer less.

I am POSITIVE there won’t be any more men like him in my future, because there is no old me in that future. I am not the same person I was 1 year ago, 6 months ago, or perhaps even in November. (I feel like saying thank you, Ralf, the beautiful soul who popped out of nowhere and then disappeared again. Perhaps it was a dream. But Angels get human forms every now and again.) 

Final words today: No matter the story, observe the new people in your life. There is support, inspiration, encouragement and unconditional love out there. Take in what you can, then let go, and break free.

Thursday, December 29, 2016

Warning Signs - Alarm Bells

I believe that women play more relationship games than men ever do. I admire the male boldness and ferocity in which they declare what they want and then go selfishly after it. It is not immoral, and they usually end up getting what they want. Women think they need to be cunning, foxy, bitchy, or try some tricks… then we complain about the shitty responses we get from the Universe after sending out all those mixed messages!
I love the male bold, emotion-free, honest way for self-gratification.

Yesterday I spoke with one of my best male friends from the UK. He reminded me that the majority of men would sleep with anyone - even if they particularly don’t enjoy the girl's company, or they detest her. Well, that was so refreshing to hear! (btw. we don't have to enjoy your company either)
And I would add, from my own observation, that men could even LOVE YOU, and still sleep with someone else NOT knowing you wouldn’t be overjoyed about that. Unless there's an effective communication, there's nothing.
Conclusion - most men are harmless in their cluelessness.

I had the pleasure to experience how light and self-esteem building it felt to leave a brief relationship/arrangement/casual dating thing where we both had been honest right from the start and had a good communication together. 
We announced at the very beginning that we lusted just after sex and fun and then we played by the rules. But I hate rules. If I fell for him and demanded emotions and a romance, I would break the premise, and a frustration would occur. I feel ready for a relationship and I need to have that option open. I respect that he doesn’t feel the same way though. Honesty was key in this arrangement.

Just sleeping together with no string attached, or sleeping around is permissible and enjoyable if both parties know where they stand.
But what is a person to do when there is no honest “announcement” at the beginning of a relationship/arrangement/casual dating thing? Is your partner in crime unwilling to come clear about the intentions for the future?
If you're a romantic soul, then you ought to watch out for some telling signs. There are many women and men out there who are experts at fooling around. Unfortunately, they can match themselves up with naive romantics who have no idea about their “fuck them, then leave them” agendas!
The alarm bells are always there and early enough.
From a female perspective, I remember that men always leave clues behind about what they’re up to. 

I will help you here, all those players are recognizable! Believe me, I used to be one of the them. 
The traits I am not proud of, which would most likely tell thousand words to an observable eye, were:
Always a drink in my hand, a night owl who loved to party, flirting but avoidant (mysterious), not texting or calling for days, unreliable, always late, unreconciled with parents, lying about my occupation, and constantly watching around for something (someone) better. I would sleep with you if you were handsome enough, but I would also break your heart by not being really interested in you. Would any nice guy want to date such a girl? Well, they clearly didn’t. I was actually scared of nice guys. So I went for the players myself…. and then boom! I wanted something more - like a relationship, yet I didn’t say so. I kept suffering in silence, knowing that he was still out there “playing”. Maybe a denial, or maybe a fear of abandonment kept me in a haze and hoping that the statue would turn real (Rori Raye's concept for an emotionally unavailable guy, who's just not stepping up).

What are the alarm bells, the hints and clues from emotionally unavailable people, players, and just all those NOT fitted for loving and trustworthy relationships, which warns you that the future is just not going to be bright enough to make you happy??
(These were all tried and tested on my skin in the past, but I heard that some women act the same…😳)

Extreme and obvious alarms:
  • not (actively) seeking you out - no texts, no calls, no planning dates with you
  • not replying to your texts in a timely fashion
  • sleeping with other people (if that bothers you, but you tend to tolerate it or deny it)
  • only want to see you late at nights
  • not introducing you to closest friends let alone family
  • addiction issues (alcohol, drugs, gambling, food, sex)
Mild alarms:
  • met online (this one is tricky. Tends to be either/or)
  • unreconciled with parents
  • no sense of humor, but laughing at you - your quirks&weaknesses
  • no public display of affection
  • unaffectionate behavior in private
  • thinking he/she is better than other people
Sneaky and subtle alarms (the most deadly ones!):
  • featuring in many rumors
  • momma’s boy/ daddy’s girl
  • family discords
  • many friends of the opposite sex
  • rarely any friends of the same sex; no "old-time" friends
  • sexting with other people (that’s only if you get to snatch his/her phone and invade their privacy)
  • dozens of pictures of other (real) women/men on their phone (ibid)
  • stories not adding up
  • plain lying to your face (even when you already know EVERYTHING)
  • Prada Shows and apologizing
  • history of cheating
  • recent affair (just that one time…)
  • no self-control or will regarding food, drinks, drugs or fitness
  • asking you what to do about stuff that is based on a personal preference which they should either declare and OWN, or change it.
  • always afraid he/she made the wrong decision
  • temper tantrums with others (hopefully not you)
  • giving you too much of a freedom (because they don’t want to commit)
  • hungry, vigorous style of love-making & you feeling like you can’t get enough of him/her actually equals unsatisfying sex on a very deep spiritual level. Perhaps you thought up until now that your lover was the best precisely for his ready, steady, fuck skills, but is that all you seek, really? If the sex was what you needed, your bodies, minds and spirits could find reunion during just one real cosmic encounter - which doesn’t happen every day. Hungry is good.. but not always. It keeps you from accessing your deeper self. Sex won't heal you, love will.

The above mentioned traits are toxic and they will pollute you if you stick around.

(Never coming back to my ex that's for sure! :-))

Wednesday, December 28, 2016

Find your cup of tea

What to think when someone tells you that they are not ready for a relationship? 
The answer is - Nothing. Of course.
Respect their decision and just move on.

It is not our job to figure out if these people are kidding us or kidding themselves. There could be so many reasons for their saying that.

I know that some of us are tempted to think the following:

  • They don't like us enough
  • There is someone else they have a crush on and they'd rather be in a relationship with. In the relationship they're kidding us that they're not ready for.
  • Yes, they must be waiting for someone specific who's yet to make up their mind about finally sleeping with them, so meanwhile they were 'waiting' alongside us in the bed.

Or... in other (extreme) cases...

  • We believe that these people have certain issues with intimacy and that there is a deep fear of disappointment, rejection and getting hurt. Even committed relationships go wrong somewhere along the track.
  • We sense that opening up is not easy for the guy/girl in question, so we are all empathy and understanding toward their deep inner blocks.
The reality is probably lost somewhere in translation. And it is not our business.
It is not our job to dig where digging is not wanted.
We must let them to it! 

There could be zillions of reasons or just one - which we wouldn't necessarily approve of/like/understand/accept/think it's legitimate enough/etc. anyway.

Just know YOUR reasons for leaving, or staying in spite of the alarm bells.

All the best

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

When there's a warning, listen.

I had dreamt about water, a fish, and a mildly flooded unknown house before I woke up to a dead fridge crying all over the kitchenette. I thought the dream was a sign of spirituality, emotions and success, but it could have been just a hint of a newly emerged problem. Alright, no need to spend on extra groceries if there's nowhere to store them now. I'm gonna get skinny, yay! ;)

I had a very creative day, yet deep inside I was aware of a certain turmoil (not because of the broken fridge). In To care, or not to care I declared that it was in my best interest to not see Adam again, and to be honest, it hurt a little. But I knew I had to drop it. 

The decision was not about avoiding him-as a specific person, it was about avoiding any 'temporary solution' in the form of a handsome man who’d be up solely for a genital contact. Even though there were other body parts involved too.

I am ready to claim EVERYTHING. I want the real deal, and I don’t care how long for. If I’m going to be with a man, then I’m going to want to get to know him, his deepest emotions, all of the shit, and I'm going to want to be let in. The man would have to be there for me emotionally just as physically. 

“Cold” is off the question and "Lukewarm" doesn’t do it for me either. Warmth starts with me, and it is a tough job holding it back in order to not get burned by the frost. In fact, the stranger in the flooded house in my dream sent me packing “so we don’t get burned”.
Wow! I just recall his words and the thoughts running in my head during the dream - “Burned? How could we get burned by the water??” But I kept on packing my suitcase regardless….
Hmmm… Freaky. Premonition? I love it.

So, I will rather have nothing (no sex) if I can’t have it all.

Adam warned me straight away he didn't have his mind set for a relationship and I thought I could join that ride. After all, I used to be ready to detach anytime - until my lovers decided it was time they went back to their wives, or drugs, or leave the town. Then all of a sudden my whole world came crashing down. So...

When Adam suggested a meeting today, I was able to exercise my new resolution in practice… It was so tempting to imagine feeling his skin on my skin, sweating together in between the sheets, and having a small tired cuddle in the bed before seeing his cheeky grin out of the door one more time...

But...I want it all.
I deserve something new, something I failed to explore before. I had 2 goes at real relationships and I blew them both. It was 7 years ago. I am ready now.

At first I felt like a hiding traitor while responding to his texts in a very vague manner. But when his question narrowed down to a single point I knew I had to speak up. And the only way I could release the strange internal turmoil was to be totally authentic and share my feelings with him. Not making him wrong, or convincing him to plunge into the relationship pool with me, but just to show him what I was dealing with and the conclusion I had made. After all, I robbed him of getting an authentic explanation couple of months ago when I was ignoring his messages. I could have communicated and said that "I was still living in the past", which had nothing to do with him (Adam). 
Tonight I felt vulnerable and afraid, because I knew he didn't want nor expected I would bring feelings into our arrangement. But I would have regretted not saying it more than saying it and possibly being laughed at or being misunderstood. None of that happened. 
It was most likely the only conversation we’ve ever had that went slightly under the surface. Tonight I was being my best self and therefore, I had to let that partial “dream come true” go. I could develop feelings for him, since there's nothing wrong with him apart from spending too much time in his head, but he warned me and I listened.

I still believe I can have it all. So I'm moving on...

Monday, December 26, 2016

George Michael - Freedom! '90

Starting again. Anytime.

I want something new.
I fear becoming successful in love... But I am so doing this!
There are other areas where I still nurse a strange fear of success, worrying about the unknown, but I am tackling it as we speak.

What would it look look like if I could have my cake and eat it?

What would it feel like if the right kind of partnership appeared?

Can I have it all? The laughter, the passion, the tenderness and also the security?

Can I receive it with humbleness and gratitude, but absolutely own it?

Have you ever entertained the idea that if some of your past lovers, brief flirts, passionate romances, impossible crushes came back to the town looking for you, you would drop everything you were doing and just run after them?

I used to think no different about several men in my life.

Today, if any of my past crushes texted me they're in the town, I wouldn't drop anything for ANY ONE of them.

Clean slate sounds fun.


Two Updates:
1. I wrote a small Christmas update here: Creating safe space for others
2. No Merry Christmas wish from Him - I already decided a long time ago that I wouldn't write first; and if he had sent an e-mail, I wouldn't have replied.* But no need for this dilemma, since he keeps his silence. I am loving this.

*Those past tenses are still maddening for me! Not sure if I wrote it correctly at all. You get the idea.

Sunday, December 25, 2016

To care, or not to care

Some time ago I read a short excerpt from "The Capacity To Care" by Wendy Holloway. It has left me with many questions. My story won't be about her entire research, since I have not read the whole thing (but I should).

I wonder why women, not having any innate capacity to care for others according to Holloway, still manage to care too much. 
Clearly, humans can grow into carers as it has been passed down to us from our ancestors and we continue setting this example. Where do men and women get ideas about the ways we all should roll? Who should care more or less, and where?

Most females get programmed early enough to care for any being who enters their lives.
And before becoming mothers (optional) I see that we transmit that learned ability into other territories, likely and unlikely places for relationships. Some are fitting, and some are rather quite dangerous to be involved in and cared for. Like the "casual sex" - "friends with benefits" territory. Isn't that where the capacity to NOT care would be far more favorable?

My female friends agree that we, women, can fall for anyone (anytime). Not only when the infatuation gets triggered by someone's looks, their social status, or the ways they treat us. I believe that we fall in love because we find it nearly obligatory for our "roles" to fulfill their purpose. Society conditions us to it, but we also do it for the sake of love. Then we get it all mixed up along the process.

People appear in our lives, no matter for how long or how short, we get used to their presence and then we feed them the idea they can't live without us (perhaps typical for motherhood?), or we DON'T get enough of their presence and wistfully spend our days waiting for the idealised version of it (yes, the version we create in our heads which has nothing to do with what has happened in reality)

We start to care, and that's when we fall in love. Or vice versa?

I feel that putting myself out there again gives me the right for trial&error, and hi&miss first steps. I am making 'mistakes' to establish what it is that I want and need. But there is a finish line. Some day soon I want to see I did it right and hit my target!

Regarding Adam, it is in my best interest to not see him again. We both want different things. I must stop it now at its very beginning.

Cut it at its roots till I can.

I would soon fall in love and demanded a real romance, and he is not up for it. Period. I would be frustrated as hell!

I am still sober enough to asses the situation as it occurs in reality (not in my head up in the clouds). It's a sex thing. Nothing more.

If I continued, he would inevitably hurt me to wake me up - Girl, when did you stop going after what you want and deserve?

Didn't I have enough of wake up calls in my life? :)
It's not about A., it's about me.

Saturday, December 24, 2016

Feedback on my posts

This has made my days! This is what I have lived for :)
Anyone who has ever wanted to touch people's hearts will understand how fulfilling it feels to actually have done that and be let known about the impact.
I am so grateful for all my good and bad experience and the fearlessness to talk about the lessons learned, so I can help others see their lives with an insight, detachment, and a little bit of a humor.
My life is also a work in progress. I am learning along the way, making mistakes (ah, those sweet mistakes!), but getting stronger.
I would love to become a leader in wellbeing and female empowerment leading alongside others.
This is just the beginning!

Friday, December 23, 2016

Creating safe space for others

5rhythms class gets me to fall in love with life and myself again and again.

I’m not such a Christmas orphan after all! A dozen of people confirmed their attendance at my party tomorrow evening. And I suspect it might be 15 of us.

What it tells me is that sharing my life and my breakthroughs connects me to people, makes me friends and brings me long-term benefits for my mental happiness. Who would have thought that I’d ever hold a party? On the day of Christmas Eve? And that people would be interested in coming? If I weren’t with my ex and his family last Christmas, I would have had a party consisting of Me, Myself, and I. It wouldn’t have been a pity-party, but it would have been pitiful - just because of my outdated decision to remain quiet and in the shadow. All these beauties who are coming tomorrow have known me only since August; Since the day on which I decided to start baring my soul and embracing my vulnerability

My fear of judgment is getting week. Finally.
2017 is going to be awesome. I already know it because I will be fearlessly sharing, networking, and genuinely INTERESTED IN OTHER PEOPLE.

Don’t fear judgment, fear isolation.
- my words after lessons learned.

December 26th, 2016 - small update
Including me it was 15 of us on Christmas Eve. Nothing crazy and by 1am I was already in bed. I also called my mum and my sister to wish them merry Christmas as the 24th is the most important day back at home. Still gotta catch up with my dad!
I had a "family linner" the next day - a dear friend of mine invited me over for a late lunch, early dinner and I got to see her daughters and grand children again.
I didn't feel like an orphan at all! :)
I wish you all happy festivities!

Thursday, December 22, 2016

First World Relationship Problems

Based on the fact that the previous date was so good, today I almost looked forward to writing how “Coloring¹ with A. was so outside of the lines….”
Yeah, I am a bit of an idealist! 😄
Even though it was awesome again, in reality it was all so perfectly within the lines…
Our relationship goes absolutely accordingly to the rules of superficial connections based on an intercourse.
Sure, what we do is an action done in a particular way by two consenting singles, there is nothing wrong about it. Sometimes we “hang out”, but there is not much of a real emotional closeness. 
(Maybe I could try to inspire him this time..)
I already experienced the shallowness of such arrangement in October, and I had seen back then that it was not working for me - not after all I’ve been through, and perhaps because of my age anymore.
I decided to test the waters again with the same person for I am finally healed from obsessing about my ex. Could I enjoy it now? 
I feel free, and yet - I still have the same dreams… Then this man doesn't even kiss me when we meet outside, and in couple of hours jumps out of the bed and off he goes. I know, I know, those are the rules… What else would I like?
I act no different while displaying my detachment. But is this detachment authentic?
Am I enjoying having one foot in and the other out?
I think I am pretending here…
I am so ready for a real relationship. Deep spiritual connection, emotional intimacy, and great sex as the icing on the cake
Is such dreaming/longing called 'living in the future' ? 
Should I tell myself: "Stay in the present and get the most out of this arrangement, however temporary. Love, laugh, live… no pressure!"

Is casual 'coloring' with someone a good enough demonstration of 'living in the present'? 
Are the big Os the best reasons for keeping doing it?

If I start thinking that "this is not going to work"… It’s a sure sign I am drifting off into the future; If I start thinking "it is going to work out" - meaning: It’ll turn romantic (despite knowing we are both so different) - I am still drifting off into the future, plus being completely delusional.
What’s a girl to do?

It’s funny how Adam and I are both waiting for the right one to appear. 
At the same time, he limits his options by relocating soon, besides - by being afraid to get really close to someone and open up; And I am a long-time escapist living in a foreign country, finding myself!

Just look for the humor in it, and getting through the first world relationship problems is guaranteed to be exciting and interesting.

¹ Carrie Bradshaw in Sex & City Movie 2

Wednesday, December 21, 2016

The beauty of (in) brokenness

Can someone like me, having shared in yesterday’s post that most of my life I grew up thinking how "fucked-up” I was, figure this thing out? Can someone like me, who just made yet another ‘mistake’, explain why there is a great beauty in things broken? 
The answer is: Who else!?

Adam and I had plans for tonight and I absolutely sabotaged it. Instead of letting him help me with a banal thing, I pulled out at the last minute and made my own arrangements. Did I do it so I wouldn’t have to feel indebted to his goodwill
I’m learning that sex is not the only kind of 'payoff' when you are dating. But what is? I constantly wonder, and that’s the way my world goes around. Maybe I just wanted to feel in control.
I didn’t get his cheeky way of bantering me. I don’t believe it was a language issue, as some teasing is universal, it was probably a boy & girl way of communicating made more difficult by my old pattern. Which one was it this time? 
The “Let’s get out of here before I start getting uncomfortable” ?
His way of thinking just didn’t get through to me.
So I am at home. Wondering why I still act the way I do. Why do I always make plans B, C, D, Z? My chickening out possibly robbed me of having lots of fun.
I indeed “looked too much into it”, overanalyzed it, and then blew it.
Well, who said that starting to date again would be easy?

I am a little broken.
But no-one broke me but me.
Could I view it as an art?

A wise and beautiful man once told me that if he ever wanted a tattoo, he would choose the Japanese symbols for Wabi sabi and Kintsukuroi/Kintsugi. It has been on my mind ever since.
Wabi-sabi teaches that “nothing is finished, nothing lasts, nothing is perfect”¹
Kintsugi teaches that fixing broken pottery by a touch of golden lacquer to hold it together, gives it its distinctive character which is far more interesting and beautiful than the unbroken, flawless piece could have ever been. The patched-up piece of art has its unique story, its depth, and its value intact. 

I am aware how broken my English is sometimes, I am aware how broken I had let myself become before, and I am aware how my past experiences continue to shape me, change me, and transform me. The cracks of mine have been patched up by something new, unique, and distinct - “a golden lacquer”.
My foreign language wears that lacquer with pride as it still enables me to write comprehensive and comprehensible blog-posts. They are scribbled in a childlike manner sometimes - but hey, I am a broken child inside.

Many of us carry a broken child inside!

Humans get broken just as often as pottery does. We break each other’s hearts, dreams, ideas, bones, and we get broken up inside by life’s unpredictable events too.

Try wearing your brokenness with pride and praise, and see where that leads to.
I might have gone back to my old pattern tonight based on my past experiences of lack of control. 
But having learned to love my own company makes me feel grateful now for this extra time spent in a quiet contemplation and awareness of where I come from. I respect myself and my past.

Broken, unique, stronger than ever, and my own.

¹ Quoted by R.

Tuesday, December 20, 2016

How to forgive anything with gratitude II.

It's been a rocky road with my parents.
I used to blame them for being myself 'fucked up' a big time! I thought that their behavior towards each other and towards me 'made me' the person I grew up to be (the fucked-up person). Yes, sort of, it did. But I focused only on my shadows. And how did I manage them? I resisted, I kicked and screamed, I rebelled and I harmed myself with all that and more.
Think about that, were my present consequences the product of other people's past actions? Yes and no, they were the product of my actions based on their actions. Who orchestrated this sequence?
I did. 
Those consequences were therefore my business, my fault, my shit.

Whatever - I know that the above reasoning won't sit well with everyone. There are people with far more dramatic childhood than I've ever had, and there are people far more fucked up than I've ever been and I can accept their stance. It is all all right with me.
On top of that, I remember very well being the one resisting to change for so many years (maybe 26), and I still vividly recall how it felt to be reminded of from various sources that I needed to forgive my parents and reconcile in order to feel happier and move on - it felt gross. I wanted to remain righteous and hurt. "I am right, I am innocent, I am fucked up - and - leave me alone!"

Just 3-4 years later, I came a long way. Especially this year has been the best year regarding my personal growth and totall forgiveness toward my parents, my childhood, and the adolescent behavior.

It was a journey.... and it was so worth it.

There is nothing to be forgiven for, dear mum and dad.
There is only love and compassion. And blessings... because I know that you are still journeying with your own childhood hurts.
I became better, stable, and more compassionate woman thanks to everything you have done, showed me, taught me, or beaten into me - I am grateful for that, and I can't but love you both.

How to forgive anything with gratitude I.

In the book A Course In Miracles forgiveness is not taught the traditional way. 

"It's not seeing that something wrong happened and then trying to fix it using apology or reconciliation. 
Apology and reconciliation are wonderful tools to use in the world, but they are distinct from ACIM's forgiveness. In the Course, forgiveness is a spiritual action given through each person's free will. It means seeing the absolute, perfect innocence of every person, including yourself, no matter what happened."
- Ana Holub

The full article that inspired me today is here.

I will describe what this spiritual absolute forgiveness is to me, and how I have applied it to my life in the last months regarding my ex, and regarding my parents, and how I just got triggered today that there is still one small area that I need to make a peace with.

I see this type of forgiveness as feeling and acting like there has never been anything to forgive in the first place.
I am not talking about denial. Denial scares the sh* out of me. Denial is dangerous for our long-term sanity and it makes us looking dumb - we're too scared to deal with the nature of our fears! I am past this defense mechanism.
Now I want to be clear about everything that is happening around me and within me.
How to feel like there is nothing to forgive?
I believe I figured how to get to that place.
If someone does something which in effect hurts you - you tackle the yucky feelings of hurt first by questioning and going deep: Why does it hurt so much? What needs of mine are not being met? What beliefs are being shattered right now? What are the conclusions this hurt compels me to make about myself and the world? 
Tackle those beliefs - they had been there PRIOR to whatever has happened now. 
Further questions can include How did I cause this situation to happen? - If you didn't, let's say someone has robbed you of your possessions or worse, took the lives of your loved ones, please look at any unforgiving thoughts you have ever had about the people who are so desperate they need to steal, or so out of touch with their hearts and feelings they need to murder to meet their needs - it is 'sick', I know, we certainly don't seek being around these damaged people - but they exist, and will exist till the combined efforts of all of us stronger and better-equipped people make a difference. How exactly, I don't know. But I know that transformation starts with a compassion. (I use this word a lot, so beware - it is not just a word). Compassion is a feeling of empathy, or understanding that unless you walk in someone else's shoes - you actually won't ever understand; It is also a type of kindness which in the end effects good deeds around as opposed to what hatred could do.

I am not saying this all comes easy.

It took me 10 months to get myself to a place where I feel there was never anything to forgive Him for. His deeds were so insignificant in the bigger scheme of living on this planet. 
Nothing bad had happened. Just a serious of events. Some tears and shattered beliefs and self-imposed prison.
Then new doors opened.
Later, a new life began.
Now I live free and I'm moving on with each step. 
I AM GRATEFUL FOR HIM BREAKING THE OLD ME - no matter whichever way he did it.


Monday, December 19, 2016

How to change a habit (patterns)

I've recently started following Dr. Joe Dispenza, reading his book Breaking The Habit Of Being Yourself, and watching his seminar series. I recommend signing up and watching them here.
Dr. Dispenza researched placebo effects among other things, and he is positive that if we effect the right emotions first, we change the body-experience. That is because emotions lead to specific thoughts, they then lead to specific behaviors, and those behaviors create our physical experience.
I have heard that before, but Dr. Dispenza is truly well-articulated and explains stuff in a much more comprehensible way.

The book title might seem "very against everything" I have ever written down here, but wait a minute before you judge...
Is being "yourself" always serving you? Does being the same old you always get you what you want? In other words - Do your outdated habits still bring you happiness (if ever)?

I have been asking myself those questions in 2016 like I had never done before.

I have patterns that are simply getting in the way of my getting what I want. I am no longer going to tolerate the "old me" sabotaging my new efforts towards one day being very proud of myself (some day soon).

I am about to embark on a new project in the next three months that could further shape my career, or perhaps not, but it will surely alter the way I interact in the world by doing this one good deed for a particular community.
I will share more details once I have a plan and a structure. However, knowing how self-conscious I still get about my new ideas, I'll probably just share the results...

The mix of exciting and intimidating might keep me up at nights. But I am determined to create new patterns for myself even in the area of sleep hygiene and bedtime. I don't want to function on just 5 hours of sleep - I know that if anyone can, it is me, and sometimes I don't quite know where I get my energy from when I live like that (no coffee). Is that meditation and reiki? Clean foods 90% of the time? Positivity? What it is for sure - it is a conscious effort to keep myself up and about and in a high spirit - and believe me, it is not much fun. This behavior should be automatic if you sleep well.
So, no more midnight posts... I really do try to post every day, but sometimes I pay the price in the form of shortened sleep.
Time to make new declarations and then keep my integrity fulfilling them!

[Haha, not gonna make them just yet, so I can't break them]

That was the old me laughing at my sneakiness. Yes, I will have to make them public. I will. Soon.

Sunday, December 18, 2016

People change #sex&emotions

Admitting to my horniness and putting it out there caused some extraordinary reactions! Surprisingly, none of those men could have had a way of finding out about my blog and reading about my hormones.

I began receiving texts with invites to go out, hang out, and also offers for assembling my new furniture.
Some out of the blue compliments came from an old flirt of mine, Adam.
I can see that good things come to those who wait…
Regarding sex, I learned that patience is, indeed, a virtue. Of course, I learned that the maximalist-hard way. I run into walls head-first one time too many. Brief, impossible romances which I wished to sustain, and encounters which I’d rather not remembered. I managed to get enough 'leverage' and realized that this kind of coupling is just NOT for me.

Too painful for someone who secretly hopes for happy-ever-after.

(or a really great sex?)

I think there is nothing wrong about sleeping with an attractive stranger, safely, per se. By all means, go ahead and try that as many times as you feel it is still ’working’ for you. Meaning - you are being detached enough and still having all the fulfillment you seek… 
There are rules to one night stands.
If it stops being fun, and it turns into lonesome, depressing, and frustrating - try something different. Like - waiting - for example. 
Waiting for someone who’ll tick more boxes than just:
✔able to have an intercourse.

Have I been waiting? 

Yes, kind of, the last couple of years. I have made some ‘mistakes’ along the way.

Whom have I been waiting for the last 10 months? 

I’d say that a husband material.
But my needs are getting the better of me now that I am single and aware of it!

Can one wait alongside a non-husband/wife material?
Hm, that is the question… Yes, but unattached & not in love.

I choose to keep my sight on the horizon, but also listen to my urges if the time, place, person and most importantly - my emotions - are right.
Until my husband material arrives, I could be fine with casually seeing Adam. Maybe exclusively, but unattached. After all, he’s scheduled to leave Australia very soon. That's right, he is an Aussie, and he’s lived in Brisbane all his life, but just when I [decide to] give him a "second chance", he announces he’d be moving. 
For somebody who knows my patterns - this must seem so unbelievably hilarious. Here I go again, dating the same sort (foreigners, tourists, passersby, married, busy, or in any way unavailable...).
Sure, this "time ultimatum" makes our arrangement only easier.
Am I aware that my fear of intimacy is at its most comfortable zone here? Yes, I am, and off I go.

I met A. in late August, he went on courting me for several weeks, I resisted him, but in few more weeks he managed to get into my bed (somehow). After a few meetings we sort off let it go (for millions or zero reasons). In November he texted couple of times, but I didn’t feel like continuing. He was not really the best rebound, because I wasn't healed during or after I'd gone all the way with him - I think I felt worse, 
I was still stuck on a past boyfriend, making wrong moves in order to get unstuck, and pretending to be stronger than I really was.
And I would have still preferred Him in my bed - up until recently.

It was like seeing A. for the first time tonight.
I was being present, comfortable, FREE, and enjoying all of the date!
The past failure of our encounter must come down to me - was that even Me, the over-analysing and empty-feeling girl in a bed with this man just couple of months ago? It couldn't have been, judging by tonight.

“With self-discipline and action, I make my dreams come true”
- Michele Buchanan

Saturday, December 17, 2016

Take a risk to be the expression of your most authentic self

... if you do, the saying "The world is your oyster" will seem quite probable.
What is waiting on the other side of your fear?

I absolutely loved the leadership course today! I'm tired and should go to bed soon, but I promise to share my new ideas and possibilities as soon as they'll make sense. I'll let them settle for now.

This speaks my heart:

"And the day came
When the risk it took
To remain tight and closed in the bud
Was more painful
Than the risk it took to bloom.

This is the element of freedom"

Friday, December 16, 2016

About A Girl

*If you can make it through Alicia Keys' album The Element of Freedom without crying, you are healed!
I did.

For some time I have been noticing this petite girl (with the most perfect butt) at a place I regularly go to. Maybe it's because she usually has a very good-looking, tall, young man by her side. He gives the impression of being either oblivious to her charms (like a casual friend), or their possibly romantic relationship doesn't require any public display of affection. Either way, he looks like he's taken and busy.
So, who am I kidding!? :) Of course I have been noticing him more than her! Up until yesterday though. 
She was alone and had more space to express herself to eventually blow me away by her adorability! She has a fit body, a cute smile, and has a stamina to die for (literally)! Moreover, she kept making fun of herself in a very attractive demeanor!

When this perfect little girl gave me her brightest and biggest smile, I just couldn't be mad at her for (most likely) going out with that tall, gorgeous-looking man.

I dreamt about her last night. I really don't remember the context (I swear), but by the time I woke up I was sure I was in love with her!

*My favorite songs of today:

"Try sleeping with a broken heart"

"Unthinkable (I'm ready)"

Thursday, December 15, 2016

Indulging in fantasies

Before smelling something burning (an incense stick) and calling the fire brigade, I was meant to write about my weird bouts of melancholy
Especially, when I receive posts regarding His hometown. I am not subscribed to a particular newsletter, but good old Facebook knows everything!
I watch the town’s little marketing effort and I miss it. Of course I do, I have some great memories from there.

There will never be a post on my blog that I want him back. 

Though I am still alone, and I sometimes slip back into reminiscing. It is in a very, very different way than I used to. Having met R. and having allowed myself to think that there is a possibility of finding someone better - much more suitable that He could have ever been - it facilitated my breaking free. I got untangled, unburdened, confident and hopeful, and that’s what matters.

I know why I still imagine dirty things with Him (not as much as before though), and I know why it is ok - that it is not a step back. 
The explanation is simple. All the emotions I associated with love were present back then, thus it was the last time I experienced sex as loving and profoundly exciting. I want to experience those feelings again - not Him. There is no coming back to the same delusional way of experiencing another person in reality, but there is a way to feel similarly excited again. 
Fantasizing as an indulgence to lighten up my reality (of being alone) is safe, it is pleasurable, and it is harmless. I don’t want Him in my life physically anymore. Entertaining myself in my head by a fantasy can be used as a guide on the path towards something real. I just have to keep distinguishing between what I think I desire and what I really need. What I need is, of course, someone real, and good, and happy, not a fantasy.
A fantasy can stay a fantasy. I need the connection, the passion and the mutual willingness to build something meaningful. The idealization, the denial and the happy bullshit can stay in the past where I desired the easy way - never being known, and not diving deep into intimacy.
I know where I stand, and I kinda like it. 
My status: alone, sometimes anxious, but real, and committed to success in life and love.

Anxious, but real I.

Wow, calling the fire brigade this evening just about demonstrates my anxious personality.
I had been listening to a suspicious beeping for about 15 minutes after I got home when I decided it was time to check what was up. I got alarmed by the lingering smell of something burning more than by the subtle beeping (would a fire alarm be so gentle?). It seemed to come from one corner of the apartment but there was nothing there, so I opened the main door and an intense odor hit my face. I thought it was coming from the unit next door. My heart was racing! I knocked and knocked… well, you heard the story before.

Those masculine fire-men seemed understanding despite assessing the situation as someone burning an incense. Of course, the beeping had gone off just about 5 minutes before they arrived.

I must have looked crazy. But you know, better safe than sorry. What’s worse, I thought there was a person in there burning alive or suffocating by gas…
And yes, I did pack up a small bag to be ready to quickly evacuate.
I was impressed by my speed and by the handful of items I considered as necessary (passport, laptop, journal and money).

Anyway, I am glad it was a false alarm!

More about anxiety and self-doubt next time. It will be more of a serious topic.

Wednesday, December 14, 2016

Feeling frisky...

The full moon is making me a little... crazy. 
Ok, my sexual appetite has always been quite high 😜. I suspect it's even higher at the moment with the current state of heightened energies- perhaps due to the position of the Moon. Let me explain how I see this, I had never been very focused during Physics classes in the past, but I have always remembered something about gravity, high and low tides and "energy" (I know, impressive). Wikipedia just confirmed that the sea levels rise and fall because of "the combined effects of gravitational forces exerted by the Moon and the Sun and the rotation of the Earth". 
Oh, I feel their power.
So, I wonder, why couldn't all that sway with my appetite too? In fact, I like the idea that these forces interact with us - depending on their particular position in the sky - and move, shake, sway, vibrate, pulse, quaver, and stir anything and everything in me and around me.
But as I mentioned earlier, I don't understand these mechanics.
I'm just horny.

(*This is a very honest and open-minded blog)

Yes, it's been some time.
I used to feel like saying to some of my previous boyfriends "Just shut up. And fuck me."
Regarding Him, the first part wouldn't have made much sense since he wasn't much of a talker. 
So I used to say only "Fuck me." And he did.
The only man I keep in touch with on a regular basis seems to be Tom right now. And I never feel like saying these two things. First of all, he talks just enough to entertain me and not to bother me (for the moment), and second of all, I cannot imagine the latter part of my phrase with him. I almost hope it won't happen.
Men have it so easy with all the escort websites out there. Help yourself and pick and choose.
But what about us, women? What about me when I require lots of emotional foreplay, convincing myself the man is in love with me, stays&never leaves me, and when I want to [finally] make love and not "sex" ?
Well, it's tough.

Tuesday, December 13, 2016

If all our flirts were honest

... The book I'm reading inspired me to write a silly little dialogue.

Her: Hi, I am a woman who loves too much and loves herself the least.

Him: Hi, I am a man who needs that to feel validated.

Both: Nice to meet you.

Her: So, a little about me. I have a strong need to be needed, and I’d rather pick men who look a little mysterious, cold or avoidant, because my fear of abandonment signals me that we are safe, this wounded underdog is not going to leave us. But later I find out that these seemingly distant men are about as innocent as I have ever been (never).
All of a sudden they turn into the most handsome men on the planet and my obsession has no limits.
So please, if you are emotionally or physically unavailable, keep on pursuing me, that will give me the buzz when I finally 'get' you.
As we get close and you will become more serious about me - let alone wanting me despite my showing you all my shit and all my secrets - eheh nah - that was not part of the deal, you’ll get me running, fast.
But don’t worry, as soon as your pursuing tires out again, or you get a new woman, I’ll be right back.

Him: Perfect! You are exactly what I have been looking for, even more! What a bargain!
Please let me take care of you, and in return for my attention, I’ll make you my designated confider. That is where I’ll be really able to show you how needy I am! 
I have always had the best relationship with my mother, and you cannot imagine how much I am missing that nurturing and all-accepting side of a woman. If you are a great cook, and you can keep the house clean, that is a plus, but I can trade that for some bedroom entertainment.
However, if your attention starts to diminish, I won’t ever ask what is going on, and I’ll find a substitute woman. But you know, it will be only the kind who can love too much, preferably a single mother - wow, then I will really get some proper nurturing! 
Additionally, she will help me with my grief. Even if I won’t stop talking about you, it will draw her closer regardless and make her wish she were the one for me. But I don’t want to be with ‘the right one’ for me. I already chat with other women online and some are on a speed dial. My fear of abandonment is so well in check - haha, we are never going to be alone! But if someone comes too close, I might withdraw, then spread my nets on unattainable women again, so no one could really get to know me and I could remain the same old and never change.

Both: Wow, we are a match!

Don't worry about learning the 'hard' way

(Another long post, but a good one, I promise!)

Why there isn't any bullet-proof solution for getting over a heartbreak...or getting over anything really.
(Ugh, I know, we all wish for an easy way out sometimes.)

Although the nature of break-ups is at the core nearly always the same, the outter layers of those delicate situations are unlike one another. The slight variations are what we should work with, I believe, in order to get to the core and then start anew with a clean slate. 
Human beings can relate to pretty much everything that other people experience (what a beautiful ability that is!), we can recognize ourselves in another’s pain even if the story is different; However, respecting that couples’ heartbreaks are unique and tricky, is the only way to fully heal the particular people in question.

All my breakups felt different, and the uncovering of my patterns happened over several relationships. Patterns are sneaky. I cannot categorize break-ups into easy / difficult, additionally, I  have only my body&mind&spirit to check-in with regarding what actually happened. It takes two to tango, and working on what was missing for me is just half the job. 
->What was missing for the person whom I was involved with? What did I fail to offer, what gifts of mine were they unable to receive? 
Unfortunately, if there wouldn't be any communication between us and our exes, we would never discover what the other person felt like when: we had all of a sudden run away from them, when they were the ones to finish whatever was happening between us, or when they first sabotaged the relationship and it drove us to breaking it off.
All situations were unique and we had to deal with the unique circumstances surrounding them.

Is there any ultimate cure for not having those heartbreaks repeated ever again?
There is none without experiencing your patterns fully - there are actions you can take to achieve different results, but only you know which ones they are (the actions and the results you want to have).
The shit that has already happened will always stay there, in the past. The essential thing anyone ready for a change and willing to transform needs to believe is that the past doesn’t define the future (the last time I heard this phrase it was from Tony Robbins, I think). I could advise to act in any way you don’t find familiar in order to banish the unconscious patterns of the same unserving behavior, but you won't cure yourself that way.
Moreover, if you slide back into something familiarly dysfunctional - well, it’s human, it’s inevitable.
We learn new things at each own’s pace…. step by step till they make sense and become a second nature.

Don’t worry about trial and error. Those mistakes are vital for your personal growth and for learning about the ways that could or couldn’t work for you to ultimately heal you and make you happy! There is no ultimate cure because even if those (correct) ways were universal, if someone told you, it won’t guarantee a prevention from any possible future disappointments. One must experience 'mistakes' on their skin to understand them - especially those stubborn people [like me].

The willingness to understand yourself better, and the patience when evolving from one stage to another is a good enough start to get yourself from a place of sadness, through gratitude to ultimately something much happier. 
I am sure that we can’t sneak our way to “the happy ending” by skipping those stages - whether it’d be anger, resentment, grief&despair or promiscuity, drinking down the pain, hoping for reconciliation and further reaching out to our exes, because, brace yourself… the lessons we’re meant to learn would come anyway but in another form! It could be another not-so-good relationship. 
How long do you want to wait before adopting the lessons learned?

Have you ever felt perplexed regarding a school subject and painfully stressed out over learning it? The school of life is much more intense! 
So, to become more fulfilled human beings, let's get out there, take any action and learn. This post just came to a conclusion that making mistakes is far more enriching than waiting around for somebody to tell you what to do to move forward.

I have learned the ‘maximalist’ way in this past relationship. I literally MAXED OUT my efforts to “turn the statue real” (Rori’s concept for making an emotionally unavailable man to step up when he’s incapable/not willing/not ready/)
I made so many mistakes, but when it became clear to me that I maxed out all the possible ways of acting in that 'relationship', I reached a peace of mind and was able to effortlessly stop! Isn’t that hilarious?
My guy was emotionally invested as much as he could/ was capable of back then. I knew that he had never been in a serious relationship before, nor he’d lived full-time with anyone. 
I am not the woman to wait around to see him transform into a man who’s not afraid of intimacy - because I am still afraid of intimacy myself.
If he’ll want to change his patterns, he’ll make the necessary steps - perhaps by more of “trial and error” and one day the right woman for him appears. She’ll have it easy then!
I wish them the best, and I am turning inward to see what I can do to discover what lies on the other side of my fear.

Monday, December 12, 2016

Is there " The Ultimate Break-Up Cure "?

The answer is: There is no ultimate break-up cure that will fit for everyone, and one will - and must - be making mistakes on his journey towards something different.
Sorry, relationship gurus like C.C. or R.R. But I know you need to sell your programs.

Last night I received a newsletter from one of my favorite relationship experts with the title: The ultimate break-up cure. The content was, indeed, trying to sell me the ultimate way to break free....
A large amount I agreed with because it had similar conclusions that I found for myself too. 

1. Don't play friends if there are still feelings.
2. Don't think you are a big reject or unlovable.
3. Change your patterns
4. Give yourself plenty of time to heal and move on

I don't believe that one can, or should skip those 'mistakes' on the way to recovery.
Experts are right that starting dating straight away won't work. Though, how else would you know for yourself, if you didn't try it first? 

I went on an online dating site just because I thought I should, and in fact, several people recommended that step to me. Needles to say, I haven't had a single date. All of those guys on the screen looked too dull in compare with Him. It was all only virtually, and a little superficially, assessed. I couldn't help myself but rather stayed in my bed, crying. However, I recognized I had 'options'.

Then I tried few dates with someone who had been pursuing me ever since I'd moved into his neighborhood. I didn't want to sleep with him, and he gave up. It was still too soon for me.
Few months later I decided to go all the way with someone really handsome whom I met totally at random (*Adam). I let him courting me for some time as I couldn't imagine I'd be fully 'present' during the action, but one day I was like, what the hell..let's do this. A brief affair had started, but it finished before any miracle cure happened. 
It didn't help me get over my ex in the slightest.
Luckily, he knew what was up, and it wasn't difficult for either of us to call it off.

Getting over my break-up has been a roller-coaster journey for me, and now, 6 months later (or 10 REALLY!), I feel ready to let go of any previous attachments, and perhaps get a new boyfriend... But I can't tell untill I do make the first step with someone I have met or will meet.

Getting over a break-up is an individual journey. There is no quick-fix, no theory that you can apply to save yourself tears and mistakes. I see that we need those 'mistakes' to become better-equipped, aware, more compassionate and more loving human beings.
What I believe one needs, rather than a signed, sealed, and delivered cure of the right techniques (for a fee) are: 
Nature (sun, sea, fresh air), movement, friends, faith, and the bravery to choose different -> love over discord.

Results will come.