Sunday, December 4, 2016

"Nerd trapped in a body of a goddess"

(Not my words - the title of the article, Ralf’s are. I love the idea!)

I see that each fleeting affair brings us closer to knowing what we really want and deserve in life. 

I always try to take in the good. And my relationships, no matter how brief or long, are getting better and more fulfilling.
The missing piece for me has been an intellectual stimulation by a male. 
Why has it been missing for so long?
I recall how my mother used to sell me this guy who was a mat-phys champion (not sure if in English you have the same shortcut for mathematics and physics). Of course, everything my mother ever wanted me to do, I wouldn't do even if my life depended on it! So I kept rejecting him without any valid reason (My mother wants me to date you, so I won't.) 
Bring on the silly bad boys! 
Later in life I convinced myself I must have been the stupid one, or average, doing all the rebellious stuff I did, and despite having some college I had worked with my body. I was slightly afraid of smart people. 
Not even various courses, readings of clever books, and a Bachelor degree helped to improve my self-esteem to challenge myself, and change social circles and try for intellectual jobs. 
But things must change. I can no longer walk around like I am just a pretty face. No. Behind that angelic face is a demonic side that can be pretty smart, creative and driven.

Regardless, I still feel humble. Maybe because I have a spiritual side to me which grounds me and which doesn't need a prestige and many materialistic things. But place me in a setting where that humility can be taken advantage of, and it will bring me down. I have become an expert at hiding, so people who encourage that, eventually contribute to dimming my light.
I must respect the fact that I have always given myself a good lifestyle so I cannot imagine compromising much on that end. Placing me in a third-world country works only for a while. It is healing, further humbling, and even inspiring. But I can't live there. Likewise, I have worked on a farm with all the dirt associated with it before, and I have also stayed on a farm without any of the dirt (sleeping with the boss helped to get neater jobs ;p)
I just know that having only that (simple life) and spirituality without utilizing my education, engaging in philosophic debates on human nature, and not having the money to do what I want would not stimulate me for a long time. I must have the first-world means for acquiring knowledge in my private spiritual world, too.
I want to have my own organic garden, but I also want the degrees, the luxurious pampering, and the adventurous trips. 
Hot shower, make-up and a book are a must-haves; Straight hair, designer clothes, or heels aren't. 
I can't use black and white to describe what I need. It is experienced at its best when I am with people who can see and appreciate that about me and encourage me to nurture both sides. Maybe even giving me what I deserve.

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