#Abandonment #Sexual_expressions #Christianity

One of my clients is dealing with abandonment issues. I give him certain assignments so at the end of our cooperation, he would get a breakthrough.

Yesterday I was looking at my own fears of abandonment.

I love walking in the surrounding areas of Prague’s castle. The charming medieval alleyways inspire me.

I remembered my dream: feeding a little kitten (my favorite Czech biscuits - which is irrelevant). I felt so much love for the little creature and certain motherly nurturing tendencies to protect her from danger. Upon waking, the feelings prevailed, so much so that I resorted to thinking that I really needed a pet. Oh, how much would I love a little animal needing me and staying with me always!….

Such idea is at the core of the problem. Every baby grows up one day, regains strengths and grows its own head… then she/he’ll be out and about and won’t pay too much attention to the primary caregiver.

There comes us, humans, with our fears of abandonment (or at worst - possessive issues). We cannot own other human beings the way we own pets - and even then - kittens are very freedom-minded and don’t like to be petted at all times, dogs might be more ‘loyal’, but even then - they are free to go elsewhere, and in any case, any creature can wander off, get lost, or die.

We are doing our best to be the protectors, but if we focus more on our fears of ending up alone, rather than our love for those people and pets, we lose the moment.

The solution for those of us with abandonment issues could be such: Let's focus on our love, not our fears.

"Love as if you have never been hurt"

It’s been one week since my one day/night stand and all seems well with me. I would usually get emotional a couple of days following lovemaking, and due to the energy-exchange I would not feel in my own skin. I could also pick up anxieties from the other person and strangely fantasize about healing them or I'd put them up on a pedestal (more or less). 

Thank God, I must have mastered my lessons by know. It appears that there have been neither much emotionality nor much energy exchange that time around. I feel stable - and I would admit if I didn’t. I’ve watched in curiosity all week and all went back to normal. In fact, if anything, it seems that that encounter has given me a certain power. It gave me back something I have lost in the last couple of years. I claimed back my sexual rights of a free woman who knows how to use her weapons. I also feel more present and grounded. Like if I finally ‘arrived’.

If I knew that consensual sex leads to grounding and reclaimed power, I should have grabbed a handsome stranger the very moment I landed back in Europe!
However, we know it doesn’t work like that… Gil and I had a tiny connection after all: the same humor and dance moves to Post Malone.

To keep up with my honesty, when doing chakra healing on myself at bedtime, I got another breakthrough. While still laying my hands on the lower chakras, my throat began to pulse. I knew there would be messages spilling out the moment I moved to the throat chakra. And so I did. One hand on my lower belly, the other hand on my throat. I began choking with tears. I can't speak freely about my adventures. Whether they're 'good' or 'bad', my family and community would judge me. My sister has already called me a whore and I feel like her newly discovered Christianity turned her into a Bible expert, understanding Jesus very well, but not comprehending today's humans.

So it is. I accept it.

I'll just have to keep writing and having my very best friends close by. 

Enjoy the Christmas holidays and festivities if you're celebrating!

xxx

Sexy black is the new black

Yum... such a good dinner (that I made)! Czechia wakes up a true [Czech] appetite, said by me and many tourists. Despite effortlessly sticking to a vegetarian/vegan diet, I eat way too much. Well, I should enjoy it at least!

I found him, however, he was the one who reached out. Later on in the shower, he reminded me those old wise words: "Nothing happens if one doesn't take action."

Indeed, had I stayed starstruck (kidding) and not handed in my business card, he’d have no way of contacting me and ... in some time, I’d never ended up in his bed.

Tall, smiling, positive, skin like a dark chocolate, 6-pack that I’ll never have, and a rather sexy French accent.
Turns out, I don’t fancy just blond blue-eyed Aussie types.
In any case, cheeky men, full of positive energy who go after what they want [-me-] look attractive in any package.

I am grateful I met this man and enjoyed a brief passionate fling, and at the same time, I feel a little indifferent that he's left Prague not to return till next December. Sure, he invited me to Paris, but I think I have rather different plans for myself.

Read on.

Surprisingly, the sex was a bit too much for me. I admit that the first “number” was great (--> in Czech: "Cislo" but obviously, it does not sound right translated literally!) 

For our first time together, it was perfectly alright. Not the soulful energy love-making I experienced with Eric in Bali, but it was nevertheless - visually hot and satisfying; a sexy, sporty black man on top of me during bright daylight and making sure I orgasm multiple times before he does - yeah, it made my day!

In fact, it made my 10 days of an exhausting annual festival that I played a part in which left me a bit richer on cash, but poorer on wellbeing.

This year's event was a bit too long and rough - like the next two 'numbers' with Gil. Let’s call him Gil (a real name of my first French lover years ago). Am I getting older or just Tantrically picky? 

I’ll never understand how can fit men appreciate my chubby figure so much. I try to be slim but when I actually am - or - when I like myself naked - no one gets to see me undressed. The moment I let myself go, put on a few kilos, bam, I meet someone who’ll end up having the privilege to look under the lid -> my winter coat.
(Note: I'm starting to exercise a little and eating a bit less. Definitely shoving down my Czech winter sadness)

I was so stressed the whole 10 festival days, picking up on the overall tense energy of the ongoing tournaments that sleeping with Gil was the only acceptable ending! 

Are prizes and trophies worth that much insomnia, sweat and tears?

Watching Netflix with Gil and drinking some red wine in the evening felt like a warm blanket for my soul. Let alone the way his cuddles substituted for my favorite dark chocolate melting in my mouth.
From a different perspective, he’s no spiritual Tantric gentleman... and I can’t have that anymore.

I enjoyed feeling the warmth of his toned body, but he was more transfixed by my pussy than anything and ironically, with the time passing, she went on a strike. 
Even "Sesame open up" would not work.
My mind commanded her to be ‘normal’ but she just had her own agenda.

I used to think that sex was something I could 'force' myself to do anytime. It happened so in the past and I never regretted once I willed myself into the deed. But now I could not carry on with our intense-yet-superficial intercourse both physically and mentally.

Funny, my wildest dreams of having my brains fucked all night would definitely come true this time... but I’m either not 20 anymore or I could carry some vaginal trauma that must have gotten triggered in that bed, with certain words, and that overthinking head of mine. This is still a gratitude post but - I will never again sleep with someone unless my body is 100% ready.

I craved my own bed and a night of nice, long beauty sleep. So I left at 2am 😌.

And that was it.


This blog post's song:

In love and gratitude

xxx

Sex on my mind

Hmmm... for too long I haven’t written a post about sex.

What happened?

(Ok, too much travel and an illness might be it.)

I’m looking at a fb stint by my, I guess, a favorite musician/enlightened guru-artist Elijah Ray, he is truly skillful with his words, and I finally realize that I shifted from bad guys to good guys for good.

Why is he still single?

“I love you.”
“You’re not alone”
“You’re so worthy” “of all the love you dream of…”
Just an example of his speech.

Why on earth is still he single?

“I love you, family…..have a beautiful day”
So much love coming from his way…

Well, it’s not easy to be compassionate, understanding and a so-called psychic. I feel other’s emotions and I just don’t know what to do to heal it. Maybe I should sing?
Yes, no more toxic relationships. I want to meet my equal but opposite. Is that so impossible to find?

Elijah Ray is an Earth angel too, no doubt. Being in the spotlight all the time, oh, it must be hard to be him. But he seems to enjoy it.

I have not disclosed it, but despite my dramatic arrival onto the European soil, I have never felt hornier. I suspect that breaking the celibacy with two cool escapades was what triggered the appetite.
I could just dream on…

I am ready for love… Christmas is the perfect time for a miracle.

A relationship, of course, does not have to start with sex... in fact, given my history, it better not start with sex (but lead to it, please)

It would be more interesting to wait and get to know one another as friends first.

Oh, so romantic...

However, I am not an advocate of chastity till marriage. Not after one year of celibacy anyway.

Thanks to my chaste sister, I still battle with an unnecessary moral dilemma nevertheless!

We shall see.

Positive reunion #Prague

This will be a lot more optimistic post with a 'happy' photo at the end.

I’ve been trying and doing quite well these days. An unconditionally positive regard is still a big conscious effort but it's gotta be worth it, right? Sometimes I wonder if optimism will come naturally again or if Prague got me in her dark post-communistic claws and will never let me go...(?)

That brings me to a book I’m reading right now - Letting Go - The Pathway of Surrender by David R. Hawkins, M.D., Ph.D.

Fascinating. Some if the weight on my shoulders has already dropped. It amazes me how after so many years of self-inquiry and striving for enlightenment, I still don’t cease to identify with my thoughts. These thoughts can produce very undesirable feelings and the underlying emotions work to make me sick in the background of all my overthinking. When will I learn? Maybe this book is it. There still lies some (maybe a lot of) crap to tackle, but according to Dr. Hawkins letting go of the struggle and accepting that life is suffering is basically, all the hard digging done.

Last week I wanted to figure out why I was feeling so miserable and why I could not be bubbly around my mum and my grandparents… while sobbing on the floor in the living room, I suddenly got it. All the furniture, all the photos, all the artifacts there… in the kitchen, in the hall, and in my bedroom… those were from the old apartment I grew up in. In that apartment my parents did all their fighting, I witnessed all the nightmares (except one) that child is never supposed to see or experience, where I contemplated suicide between the ages 15-17, and where I devised my escape plan. I tend to sleep extremely badly in my mum’s new apartment, and it well could be because of the lingering memories from the stuff that soaked up all the negative energies of the past. It shocks me that my mum has never gotten rid of it. Not even of the old bed she used to sleep on with her now ex-husband whom she hates so much. Very shocking for someone (energy worker) like me.

I went to every single piece of furniture from the old flat and I blew on it 3x. I don’t know where I got that gesture from, I regard it as my little made up trick, but I noticed that it helps me to ‘cleanse’. So I use it on things and spaces too.
If you’re waiting for magic, cool. Yes - it made me feel instantly better! If that’s not enough, then I don’t know what is. The furniture did not disappear, nor turned into a new one with a unicorn jumping out of the closet.

As my cousins and extended family arrived for the weekend, things took a turn for the better. 

I was overwhelmed by all the affection I felt towards my cousins. It was mixed with a little sadness too. I didn't see them much even when I lived in Czech and it appeared that I had missed a lot of their adolescence. They were so tall and all-teenage like, I could hardly keep up with their energy!
We all had so much fun together, I forgot all about myself and my mortal troubles. 

Regarding the other (older) members of my family, that weekend made me realize that despite all our differences, my family is my family, and I cannot not love them.

Back in Prague now, I am noticing how visual and creative I became since my fevers stopped and they let me out of the hospital. I actually think that I got a plan….
However, I will divulge more when I'm 100% sure that I can do it. If you know me by now, you know that whatever I put my mind into, I manage. So waaaaaaiiiiiiit for it!

Much love,

Pavlina