I'm sitting by the Lake Alexander and writing this post instead of meeting my assignment deadline or, clearly, going to a body pump class, cleaning the kitchen, finding a roommate, planning my school break and all the other things. But I am sorting my shit out over here. Sort of.
Minutes before storming out of the apartment, grabbing my push bike, and frantically pedaling for as long as took to feel better about myself and my metabolism, I indulged in another of my random food binges. There is definitely nothing wrong with me.
We all eat only celery sticks the first half of the day so in the second half of the day, in a hunger-trance, we can open (and eat at once) all the potato chips and chocolate cookies that we stashed away for Christmas, right? Hm, maybe not.
I suppose that not everyone is as unhealthily food and weight-obsessed as I am. This is no longer about food though.
It seems as though my promise of celibacy is not going very smooth. In the evenings, I watch Brooklyn 9-9 and imagine Adam Samberg's big mouth all over every part of my body... he's hot, but I might be overdoing this.
In The Accountant, Ben Affleck brought some memories of Ralf's facial features. Ben's spectacles, nerdy looks and politely brief responses gave me the conviction that he must have rehearsed that role based on observations of R's intellectual demeanor. R is not a nobody after all. At least not for me.
Somewhere, I read that actors study hard for their roles, they have to learn new skills, observe and take inspiration from others. Ben's possible stalking of clever people would make sense.
I'm floating in my fantasies, the chin dimple gets me every time, and..
Then I overeat, because having something in my mouth makes me feel kinda blissed out, too.
That brings me to another actor.
The backpacker in Aquarius. Fond of whiskey and healing from a break-up. Shall we call him Aquarius? A Poker Face? Or a Little Bird? I still want to sleep with him, but when I got the chance last week at Larissa's goodbye party, I decided to turn around and make a disheveled, drunken escape on my bike. I'm surprised how brave I felt at 3am, totally under the influence of alcohol, cycling through pitch black tropical bushes to reach my home. True, it was only a couple of minutes away and it felt really cool.
I confessed my remorse over that finished romance to our mutual friend, Thor. He suggested an open communication...
Of course, how did I not think of it one more time? - A communication, this wonderful premise of a resolution one day, someday!
Oh wait, could Thor be suggesting a threesome?
Once I'm done with abstaining from sexual activity and if I'm still single, of course.
But, come on, Little Birdie doesn't communicate!
Regardless of the past, I truly want, and I'm ready for, a lasting and loving relationship. Something tells me that - ehm - my mind doesn't have the answers. I might be unstable at times, but I have so much love to give and I want to share my life with someone.
I want to wake up and smell a man's skin next to mine.
I started loving men like nothing else. It's my own self-love that made it possible to find and give love to other people.
However, I am still a work in progress. I judge, I fear, and I am paranoid. According to R., I'd like to be overpowered, but I don't trust males. Yes, I don't. That's why my romantic relationships suck. I'm preparing a 'master/slave' post, wait for it!
I need new career and relationship goals up on my vision board and a sharp focus now. I think that a whole month of January without alcohol would go nicely hand in hand with my sexual deprivation. Um - celibacy, I meant, a holy celibacy.
Thor will hold me accountable for not drinking in January at all. He's experienced in abstaining from alcohol ever since forever.
And then I'll do my best to do the same for R. We're only training now.
Something to look forward to!
