Saturday, September 22, 2018

TO STAY challenge and BODY challenge

...And just as I was holding my last glass of red wine before the start of my guided body transformation, I began to entertain the thought of staying. 
Out of the blue, I recalled the time when I had to write a 10-pages long paper about the European Union politics. Feeling like an alien invading a top notch University where I must have landed by accident, thinking to myself again: What on Earth, was I doing this vague humanitarian degree for?!

With my self-diagnosed ADD, any paper (especially the one that I was not interested in) seemed like an endlessly dragging adventure and the end result could not make any sense. That time I handed in just 8 pages, completely spat out.
While writing that humongously boring essay at the last minute, I was also dyeing my hair. Staring at my laptop screen from the bathroom door with a turban on, I knew that I could have easily quit. Part of me wanted to - adios amigos, see you never.
But the more mature part of me felt proud of what I was accomplishing and sensed the beauty of the final prize. I knew I had to stay for my own sake. I owed it to my self-esteem.
That day, no matter how hard, I would keep sitting down at my desk and keep on writing bit by bit. 
Looking forward to my hair shining nice and black by the end of the evening, I took another break from the paper and wrote into my online personal diary: “If my children ever ask me about my biggest learnings in life, I’d tell them that my main lesson was: To stay.”

Every day I must do my bit to ease into the present moment. That is Tantra. For some people that might come naturally, but for me, it is a conscious effort. When I succeed, I receive an inner confirmation that I am exactly where I'm meant to be. 
Not chasing anything, not planning, not wishing different. Everything falls into place when I surrender to the present. 

Living with this man provides me with such an excellent opportunity to work on creating my new self. Of course, I always knew about my gifts, but not always would I confidently execute.
Here, I can finally put them all into practice. I have the space to cr
eate my business, the help to get a driving license, and the time to bring my vision to fruition.
I couldn’t have wished for a better man to assist me with nearly all of that.

I will not accept the proposal for a marriage - that is too much, but I will stay.
Stay for the time being before... 
I'll go to Sydney 😂😜



Wednesday, September 19, 2018

A High Class Hippie #highclasshippie

I have been living with a great man for the past 2 weeks.
There appeared to be a healthy 'give & take' at the beginning of the deal.
I am his personal carer, healer, counsellor, and coach - every day and overtime.
No doubts my services were well paid off and more. He throws in driving lessons and other fine touches to make my stay comfortable. This man is nearly perfect; so generous, protective, respectful and kind. You might think - Aren't we all nearly perfect? 
So what's wrong?
The timing is off.

Two years ago, he would have been PERFECT.
Depressed wounded underdogs who needed me used to boost my ego. The promise of raised self-esteem firmly instilled the need to be needed on my desperate quest to validate my worthiness. 
Those dependent men would have made me weak in the knees.
And this one is so much older than me - just like I used to love it!
Two years ago, I would have fallen for the false sense of security, and the generosity in exchange for simple services - cleaning, cooking, my great company... No sexual connotations whatsoever.
However, today I feel different.
I know for a fact that I'm not playing the Goddess. A Goddess can't be played. A Goddess is not an entertainer. And that's what I've been doing - performing on command or out of feelings of indebtedness.
I can't do this.
Time to fill my cup.
I am going.

Where? 
Home...a new home, wherever that might be.
I am not afraid to leave the country either. I was waiting for something to happen, until I realized that it did.
The whole two years in Oz seem like a week now. Like, fast rewind into June 2016, finding myself stranded in Sydney, slowly realizing that he wasn't coming. What would I do next? Will I stay? Will I go to see him? Will I go to the only city (Brisbane) that I had managed to get to know and explore back in 2015?
I should have returned home, or - in hindsight - I could have. For no one I know compresses their good years into a week. If this is what I'm doing, then I'm sorry for being ungrateful, implying that
the past two years sucked.
Well, not everything did.

Of course, I had a lotta laugh too; of course, I know that some struggles were a blessing; of course, the two years in Australia were meant to happen; of course - otherwise, I wouldn't have met x, wouldn't have experienced y, wouldn't have done z, or wouldn't have healed- something/someone.
I decided to stay but I felt lost; no news. 
Strangely, it wasn't until the remoteness of Darwin and my isolation in 2017/2018, when I began breaking some old patterns.
A year later, I escaped the local madness and I run back to Bris and Byron to find myself among my tribe again. I love my tribe, however, my tribe tends to be quite opinionated as they always know the 'right' thing to say on everyone's situation.
Why do some spiritual moralists think they have the answers for you?
Why aren't they silent sometimes?
Or is the noise in my head my own battling with my shadows and feelings of shame?
There might be a bit of truth to both sides.

Yes, I am a little bit unstable.
Yes, I am escaping again.
I can see that.

I am leaving a good man, a great friend, someone I trust, respect and I wish he'll heal soon.
He even proposed, as a friend, to have me stay in Oz.
Same story - different package?
Is that type of commitment just not suited for who I am and what I believe in?

Tonight under the black sky sewn with just a few bright stars, I accepted my instability and past yearnings for the opposite. I won't do that anymore.
I shall stay true to being forever unstable and forever leaving.
Whoever might capture me, let them be strong in knowing that our love be short but sweet.
Life can be a series of unrelated events, filled with different people, shapes and forms, yet still the same crap in disguise. 
We can rewrite the story, I believe that, but we may never change our personality.
I am what I am. You may call it a free spirit, a gypsy, or a fickle woman. 
I kind of gravitate towards a high-class hippie these days.

I wrote all of the above in a lighthearted way. 
If anything, I have noticed that as I grow older, I love making the right types of commitments! But who would believe me now?! 

To be continued... Blog: To Stay Or Not To Stay?

Friday, September 14, 2018

Your Free Blueprint :)

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