Hayhouse Writer's Workshop

The idea that I create my destiny with my thoughts, feelings, actions and WORDS has never been more real. 

This weekend I attended the Hayhouse writer’s workshop in Sydney, and I decided to stay a few more days to enjoy the city. 

I am somewhat in awe of the Sydney's unexplored scent. I only spent couple of days here in the past; and it’s been either with Him, or while depressed without him. This time I am a completely new person. I feel empowered, independent, free and motivated to become a success.

Success in what? Well, at the moment I am focusing on my career. Career as a healing mentor, an inspiring revolutionary, and a Hayhouse author - a compassionate storyteller. I must help other people with my story!

I am hopeful that in the future my life purpose will merge with my love life too.

Sleeping and wishing #sex #love

Sleeping with J is very healing...
Sure, he's not 'the one' I was looking for (and I still hope the wish for a husband material is still out there in the Universe*), nevertheless, it is what I deserve - especially after the 'experiment' I recently conducted with someone, who could not have been right for me in a million years.
Yes, I can enjoy sex no strings attached -IF- there are feelings AND a complete transparency. There was neither.
Anyway, I should thank D. for trying... to be someone he wasn't, so we both explored the other side of the coin.
Was it all so bad, rough and loveless? I'm not going to condemn everything that had led up to the act and disrespect what I had wanted that night - There must have been something quite right if I decided to peel off my jeans (-let him peel them). I just don't recall what exactly, even when I was totally sober. 
Perhaps a curiosity or longing for a connection?
I disliked his sex-technique with me, that's all. It diminished my libido for a couple of weeks after - and I don't like when that happens.
Thanks to J I am back on. I admit he's probably the best lover I've ever had, and the fact that he's not 'mine' makes the amazing intimacy we share easier to handle.

*If I were to wish for 'the one', I better believe in romantic love first... I firmly believe in unconditional love though.
No matter what other people do or say, love them...

Sexual Healing

My Tantra workshop went really well. Only a small number of people turned up, but their amazing collective energy was all I needed to feel that the prior stress had been worth it.
Apparently what was much appreciated, along with the few interactive exercises we did, was my honesty about my past sexual experiences and my confession that I have never had a Tantric sex. That being said - with someone; because I do with myself (a lot). I've had amazing sex (with J, or other men in the long past), but it was not exactly 'Tantric'.

So my search for a tantric partner began. And maybe I don’t have to look too far. One of the attendees is pretty keen…

Obviously, I wouldn't try Tantric sex with just any ordinary man, but this guy is pretty experienced! I know that he wasn’t boasting or trying to look smarter than me because I’ve massaged him today. I observed his breathing and I felt his energy vibrate all over. I had a go too.
I had a small taste of what it felt like to merge into a meditative bliss with the man just lying next to me… then I ‘woke up’ out of the emerging ecstasy and felt a bit frightened. Sure, there are no intimacy issues when you are ‘there’. But if you snap out of ‘there’, the made up fear comes back and it is a frickin' party-pooper. 

The vibration all over my body resembled the awakened kundalini that I experienced during a dance few weeks before - very cool!
Then we went jog-walking together…
How exciting the Tantric path feels! :)

I have another confession. When I slept with D., I noticed that he had what Margot Anand calls: penile insensitivity. In her 5th and 
10th chapters - she writes how vigorous thrusting during sex damages the muscular tissues around genitals, weakens the PC pump, the hips and puts a strain on the prostate.

Prostate - the gold mine, the seat of masculinity (!NOT heterosexuality!), and the semen-retention switch…Just a miracle, guys!

D. had been putting so many layers of 'body armor' on the genital area, that he caused himself to be less sensitive there, needing a lot of stimulation in order to let the sexual energy flow - with one trouble - he flows it out - rather than in.

Good news, penile insensitivity can be easily healed.

What we learn in Tantra is that sexual energy should flow throughout the whole body- it vibrates it, it heals it, it strengthens our chakras and then enters our minds for a lasting bliss. 

For example, I unblock myself with reiki, and then touch myself gently, breathing into my chakras and moving the fire up and up 'the inner flute'…containing the energy within without any strong stimulation.

When will the insensitive-penises men start to leave their egos outside of the bedroom and perhaps learn something new from their [Tantric] lovers?

Watching porn gave us an illusion that we should have sex like animals. Sometimes we can.. 

However, I believe that we are spiritual beings having a human experience and learning about meaningful, soulful, and conscious sex is part of it!

I'm recharging now. I'm realizing more and more that I am an Introvert.
I'm craving ME-time, especially after what seemed like the busiest weekend of my life - LEARNING (marketing) & TEACHING (sex edu). But I loved it regardless. I also bonded with Laura and we had a great after-party right after the workshop.

*By the way, I'm not saying that J. has that aforementioned penis issue too, he doesn't. He can handle showing up as vulnerable, open-hearted, and gentle in and out of the bed. 

But I feel like he might be a taker regardless.

Time to find a yin-yang lover :)

The dance between the masculine and the feminine

When I landed in Australia in June 2016 for the third time, my left eye hurt like hell. I vaguely remembered then that I had poked it during the flight, but it wasn't until I got into my friend's house in Newcastle that I noticed how badly I could see. I could have easily agreed to a stronger lens prescription.
I wanted to see my ex-boyfriend but I was scared.

Taking into account Louise Hay's teachings and Tantra practices - the left side of the body indicates the divine feminine and all feminine attributes (softness, playfulness, creativity).

A few months prior to that, I cried my eyes out when I figured that my ex started dating someone else. I was holding on to hopes that we would get back together as he also fed that idea. However, he wasn't straight with me, not telling me that he had moved on. I was heartbroken [again], and I felt abandoned.

My poor eyesight was a reminder to turn inwards and start healing myself as a woman who was worth more than she ever gave herself credit for. The right, masculine eye was strong and watchful, and it needed to be acknowledged (its objectivity, protectiveness and purpose) in order to lift my feminine side to her highest potential.

My journey of 'healing the divine masculine' (men are not all bad) and harmonizing both polarities within me had begun right there and then.

The story continues…

I went to visit our mutual friends who lived near his small town ten months later. The next day I woke up with what felt like conjunctivitis in my right eye.

Upon checking with the chemist, it was just an irritation. But what an irritation! My eye felt sore the whole day, very sensitive to light, red, and involuntarily tearing up but without any emotions—crying non-stop from just one eye.

The right side is 'masculine'.
My right eye could have been telling me that there was something I didn't wish to 'see', perhaps I have yet again began castrating the masculine and stopped trusting it... Was I blind towards the situation at hand? My ex was newly single and had kept asking about me the whole ten months.

The divine masculine tends to act very protective and analytical. Since the right eye blurred my vision, perhaps my body was prompting me to see more with my soft, feminine side rather than the suspicious, inflexible masculine...

Was the masculine broken upon seeing him again? My ex and I had a very friendly encounter. I can only assume that the message from my body was: "Stay soft, trust. See only with love. All is taken care of."

My ex - my karmic soulmate

I’m wrapping myself up in a blanket He gave me for my overnight train ride back to Brisbane. I chose not to stay… On one hand, I know why, and on the other, I don’t…

Rowena told me that both Him and I tend to overthink stuff rather than plunging into the unknown…
Yes, when I spend too much time in my head it is an indication of my lack of trust in life unfolding exactly as it should without my pushing it. Once I release the grip and surrender, not only my tense shoulders drop an inch but I discover freedom in that surrender. Just breathe….

It was a lovely trip down to NSW. I loved chilling with Rowena in her home next to a forest, surrounded by a river - the location looks unreal. What a perfect place to raise a family! I absolutely adore her children too and she is a great mum.

While inhaling the fresh air behind Rowena’s backyard, the memory of familiar shivers of passion and fleet of butterflies down my stomach when I'd seen him that day made me believe that I wanted a family with him. Yes, that strong is my ever-inexplicable attraction towards him. Plus, he looked better than what I remembered. 
It was a planned visit by the way, He knew, but when he stepped into the shop’s kitchen where I was in the middle of a catch up with Jane, it was a mild shock for both. Rowena assessed his response to seeing me as falling into a lala land…
Nice. 

The alcohol detox I so eagerly planned for the rest of my stay in Australia (3months away at the time I had announced it), happened for about a week...maybe two.
In the end, being happy, grateful, and spreading that awareness ended up as the most important part of detoxifying myself.

Nothing else matters. 

So... I drunk a bit of red wine with Rowena one evening because - because I could. And I did it without feelings of sadness, shame or guilt (or hungover the next day)

He stole me from Rowena’s place on my last day. I hang around the farm and the nearby town. Nothing changed, yet everything was different. I was different.

We were like two best friends. Except for some spontaneous passionate kissing, however, not during our casual hot bath together… it was the strangest thing I’ve ever done with a past lover! - Just chilling and chatting away next to each other’s naked bodies. He must have been using talking as a way of distracting himself from feeling his emotions… he couldn’t shut up. It was quite cute though! I had let him stay in his head up until I gave him an improvised Tantra massage. After all, it was long overdue since I gave him a voucher for Christmas 18 months prior, only to tear it to pieces in an angry fit few days later!! Haha. This time he didn’t need to be ‘good’ to deserve it.

I still love him. There is no doubt that he loves me too, but we are friends, not partners, neither fuckbuddies. Karmic soulmates are meant to be broken, learn from one another, and then let each other be. We talked about wanting kids, but neither of us mentioned that we were ready and that the person in front of our eyes was the one to father/mother them.

How vulnerable it is to be a human being!

Pain

Hurt

Rejection

Fears

False predictions

Him and I are two good souls from broken homes, scared of commitment.
well…

Nice to know that my little sexual escapades in Brisbane don't mean a fuck in the bigger scheme of things.
Definitely no commitments, right, you commitment-phobes and unavailable men over there? I'm a bit sick of men willing to commit only to fucking me, infrequently, and to top it off - not even lovingly enough (why was D. so rough???)

Ahhhh...

How to be fearless, having only positive expectations, loving, and creating a worthwhile, joyous life on Earth for myself, my family, my friends, and all the people who are willing to believe in me...?

I am ready.
Ready for a 'Freedom in commitment'.( sounds like the most effectively versed prayer than anything I've ever granted myself a permission to wish for.)

This trip was the perfect opportunity for forgiving each other. Now life goes on again.

Some random thoughts:

While doing a recharging jog-meditation in the hills, running over the bridges and gasping for a breath by the bamboo tree, I experienced many revelations. 

As I was going crazy at the thought that He was always so scared of things going wrong, questioning his skepticism in my mind, I realized it had been ME feeling afraid all along.

Rejection - a chain reaction?

What is it like to be completely ego-less?

The world is a reflection of how much we love&trust ourselves.

Holy Encounters

I had the most amazing conversation in a shop I could have ever anticipated in my life! From a hand luggage and airport rules it suddenly turned to sex and relationships - just how do I do it??? :D

Thank you, Sara for opening up and holding an open-minded space for me to do the same. How much I love these kind of encounters!

After what seemed a good half hour of chatting we hugged, I bought a light 4wheeler and went off to wait for my bus ride home. Great start to the day with yoga, a chat about hair with the instructors, browsing the markets, getting a random proposition for internet marketing work (I reckon the guy just wanted my number), and then that honest and heart-opening confiding of a stranger. I love my past experiences, my job and my spiritual gifts!

Few weeks ago I met another beautiful and interesting woman walking down the street (wow, also on Saturday after a yoga class!) who started opening up to me shortly after I complimented on her hair. It began very subtly, and then we found ourselves passionately talking about men and recent affairs. Two hours later we greeted again at a wine tasting event, some time later danced at a rooftop bar, and ended up in a pub with a group of young lads drinking some more (oops, more about my alcohol detox in a next post!).
What a special day that was. Thank you, Lana for showing me your vulnerable self and for your bold going ahead and signing up for my next Tantra workshop!

I took a trip to NSW few days ago…I stayed with Rowena but I met up with my ex too. Let me tell you how that went in the next post ;)