Monday, December 5, 2016

Can lust & longing empower? #unfocused

I have one bad news and one good news.

The bad news is

I lost my focus again.

My level of productivity definitely declined, I still haven’t unpacked in the new apartment, I can’t concentrate on any book I pick up, and I’m getting too comfortable working only when it suits me (and going to yoga and pilates in the meantime) - I stopped focusing on the things that matter, or aren't as essential for my happiness - but I also traded that for a big-time procrastination.

Could it be because of R.? Absolutely, no doubt!

I can’t get that man out of my brain.
As it is all sinking in… I can see that he has made a bigger impact on me than what I had given him credit for while he was still here. 
Clearly, I take my time to digest new food for thought.
Sometimes I wish I had asked more about him. But really, there are only two childish questions that are burning me now. 
Why do you have to live so far away? and Why do you have to be taken? 

The good news is:

I lost my focus again.
I lost my focus of Him! It has been on Him since June 2015, if not few months prior when we had started arranging my visit. I have not been thinking about him since Thursday/Friday whatsoever. And today, it is only with love, compassion and forgiveness. 
No lust, no resentment, no contempt, no fear, no anger.

Is this the end of my blog??

No. I must monitor my progress. Because…

Even though there is for the first time since our break-up (and our get-together) someone else who’s figuring in my fantasies (right, you guessed it, it is erotic fantasies), he is still unavailable. And that has been my pattern all along.

So I can’t leave this blog until I finally break the pattern and learn a new one. Then the next step will be seeing evidence of it everywhere. Where are all the single guys?

I might have thought that things had shifted (and trust me, they did), but looking at this recent experience, I still stood on the edge, on the verge of smoothly falling down to my past behavior again - obsessing about a married man.

It is time to find a nice SINGLE man for me. Or hang on, maybe it is not the right time yet? I don’t know what I associate 'single' with. Single equals a boring hermit? But I am that way too. Or, single equals a confused slut? Ahhh, I can be that way too… I am not sure what those analogies offer, but I am not having any of that.

I wish for a very smart, gentle, generous man with an open heart….
which will most likely be married :(

This weird pondering must stop. I won't find out why I attract unavailable people that much by dissecting my past. It was what it was, and it felt exciting. I believe I brought in some excitement, perhaps a meaning to their existence, and they offered means for my existence…

It is quite fucked up.

Regardless of this focus on and off, I am feeling great. I got inspired, I got set free, and I see new possibilities out there.

The fact that I don’t think about Him is almost… alarming. I nearly planned to be caught up in His love triangle forever!

Can I really walk away now? Blocking someone on the phone is great if you can only block them from your mind too- with forgiveness of course, but he had still been on my mind.. Then one day (Friday?) I woke up, and he was gone.

A new man occupies his place. It is not ideal, but it doesn’t hurt.

Longing can be quite innocent. Sure, I miss R., but this feeling motivates me to become my best self, whereas longing after Him was like wanting to sink deeper into the ground and disappear. Both of these longing, either way, are lost battles. 
But both can empower me.
I choose to be empowered by the first one, and lose my procrastination, and I choose to be empowered by the second one, and release this past relationship lovingly for the greater good of all concerned. 

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