Farewell

I have started crossing the oceans again! Oh, where have they been...
Anyway.
Putting my swollen feet up the chilled Balinese wall feels sooo good...
One week to enjoy here before going to Europe.

I allowed myself to feel...
Sure it was emotional leaving Australia after 2 years and 4 months.

My life could not have been more symbolic in the last few months. Signs like feathers, spot-on oracle cards, words in my dream matching the words of my dear ones and strangers too.

I’ve spent fun and strange 3 weeks in Sydney where I rediscovered my sensuality. I got to see the old from a new perspective - you don’t know my past life and I didn’t go there again, but let’s just say that I’ve had dozens of opportunities, yet I stuck to my integrity. (While bending the rigid rules a little, of course.)

I know I am a potent manifestor. I always get what I set my intentions for.
Then - I don’t set very good ones.
Being a white witch,  it is time to manifest the life I’ve always wanted for myself do some real good for the world.
I love being kind and generous.
It is written in my star sign!

Back to my farewell.

My two faithful Brisbane friends Lauren and Hollis stayed with me until the very last moment at the airport. I even got a fiery, hastened hug while showing the stewardess my boarding pass.
I still don’t know how I ever managed to attract these two tigresses into my life, but H. and L. have been absolute treasures.
It’s debatable, but I do believe that we made this bond based on many, many aspects of course, but also because L. has some Polish blood in her, and H. is half Dutch. I wonder if Aussies with not much knowledge of, nor fascination by their European (or other) ancestry would know how to interact with foreigners in their land with their hearts on their sleeves... Am I just exaggerating here? Most of my native English speaking friends I had made throughout
the years had Eastern European heritage or they were of mixed race. 
Then there was a beautiful Indonesian goddess Michelle and a Swedish rebel Tania from Darwin.
I might have taken these young girls under my wings, but the joy they’ve given me was beyond words.

now we come to the mysterious man on the Gold Coast. He thought I was his angel. In reality, he was mine. Leaving Darwin for the coast again was hard as it was. Without the help of this man, I would have probably ended up in a ditch!

Was this man a manifestation that went slightly off track or exactly as it was made to??
I don’t know.
I consider myself extremely lucky for that level of trust, having met him only in June.
He phoned me just minutes after I had launched my pavlinalioness.com website. I still see it as in-your-face sign: you are on the right path to start helping where needed and this man will save your life.
Honestly.
This man is beautiful.

He is a lot older than me but we have many common interests and we did have some good laughs too.
I could never fall for him in a romantic way, but he’ll forever stay in my heart. In fact, I would do so much for him, even invite him for Czech Christmas or something like that...
Well, who knows where I’ll be then.
We had a bond. Nice friendship, deep trust, and healing..
I have not healed him, even though he thinks so. He healed me.

I dare to say that I discoved a different side to me - the side that’s ready to settle.
The side that wants to take care of another.

I am so ready to get pregnant, have a baby, become a mum - raise a child with the right man. I’m 

thinking of true love - aka Jamie Fraser from Outlander constantly ready to fight for the love of his life - the brave Sassenach, Claire. Firstly, I should become like her - determined to never leave my man behind.
Well, no one changes overnight, but it is all happening...I feel like the pieces fit the puzzle just fine. 

Last farewell, albeit a virtual one.

I came to Australia to nurture a relationship I began early in 2015... but, It couldn’t be so.

And although I felt funny while driving myself to Byron a few days ago (My watchful friend and housemate next to me) and I remembered that just a couple more hours and I would be at his farm...
I knew that was not the way in which to go (or drive).

My ex was cool in many ways. Just not in the ways that would be necessary for a long-term bond.

I’d like to let stuck people know that some relationships are great for growing in pain - if that’s what they want, but ideally, we’d like the pain to stop some day soon. Toxic co-depency is not desirable, nor sustainable.

With the next guy who’ll manage to find me, we’ll be growing in love by being together. It won’t be perfect, it will be feeling right.

In my ex’s defense, I carried a lot of crap too. Those were the times of career transition and mindset re-furbishing.
Now the major renovations are all done.
I am finished with the above.
I cannot move further if I don’t let go of the bullshit I accumulated.
It is all gone....
I won’t ever see him again, that is clear.

I wish I could say something really really advancedly spiritual, positive, encouraging, guru-like, on top of it all - but, the truth is, the past disappointment in love still gives me a hollow thug in my heart.
I am just not up for another heartbreak.
Never ever ... see him again. Sounds... too definite, but true and necessary.
I wish him happiness. Now it’s my turn.

Sexuality and its expressions

A handsome and wise man once told me that Sydney could be wonderful for me. Perhaps that is where it could all fall into place…

Well, must be. Sydney was the ONE place I was afraid of. I virtually tried and tested all the other well-known towns and cities suitable for work/living in Australia, but the capital of NSW was at the bottom of the list.

It is quite the obvious place for many foreign people to go to search for a job and a place to call home. That was exactly what put me off - way too many people hustling and bustling. Obvious is not necessarily true to the heart or has to feel good. A girl gotta know herself first in order to not lose herself [in a big city].

Something has happened to me during those past weeks living and working in Sydney for the first time. It seems - quite wonderful. So I must agree with R. on this one!

Sydney reflects back to me my settled ways of carrying myself. I do not need to participate in the present busyness. I can still be a small-town girl making it in a big city in a small and rather relaxed way. 

I regret those months of postponing my move down here due to fear, and all those times I have not made my visits here ‘memorable’. 

Nevertheless, this is the perfect time now. 

I can't stay as I must leave the country soon, but at least I’ve managed to get myself to a fine mental place beforehand. Sydney couldn't have happened earlier. Here I socialize, I dance 5rhythms as much as I can, I enjoy food as much as I can and I'm sexual as much as I can… That’s what Sydney brought out of me.

But my hastened decision to make the most out of my last days in Oz didn't go without a price to pay. Ever since booking my flights out of Australia (stopping by Bali on my way home to Europe), I began losing out on sleep. 

New environment, new job, and getting to know new people also contributed to my insomnia.

Stress is a killer they say. I think I’ve not experienced such sleeplessness since 2014. The past week I was getting as little as 3-4 hours of sleep a few nights in a row. So I left work early one Saturday to cater to some personal matters… and then I let a boy take care of the rest.
Goes without saying that I had a deep and sound sleep afterwards.

11 months and 1 day ...  seemed like a good number.
Experiment over.
I listened to my body.
I wished for my mind to stop overthinking.
I wanted to release the tension stuck litteraly everywhere in my body - my neck, shoulders, belly, vagina, legs….
I had nothing to lose, nowhere to hide.
Emotions were out of the way, replaced by a sweet surrender, mutual acceptance, understanding, and adequate physical attraction. All that was a great combination to ease me back into active sex life. I wished for someone who’d take his time with me, and so he did. The focus was definitely on me.

We connected as friends first, then just for a night - the last night, we merged in a cute way. The year of abstinence possibly turned me into a lazy lover but hey, most ’first timers’ don’t live up to their potential! And surprise, surprise, I felt somewhat tired.
I didn’t wish for a fairy-tale or for him staying in Sydney longer. The encounter was perfect in its imperfection, just as it was.

Hopefully, this time around, I won’t be using sex as an entertainment to forget about myself, abandon my dreams, or somewhat validate my existence. I learned the lessons.

Taking care of mental wellbeing goes hand in hand with the physical. Sleep, meditation, exercise, reading, having my friends nearby and engaging in regular safe sex shall be my priority.
I’ll also have to keep up with the dancing, going to F45 fitness, taking the stairs, and eating right even while I'm on the road.
(Admittedly, I’ve not exercised this year very much - but as soon as I catch up on proper rest, I know I shall be my own greatest role model.)
Stability, routine & settling down- my next adventure.

Chakra Alchemy Kundalini Series

I find it fascinating that although I am not officially part of the latest Kundalini dance series on the Gold Coast  - I feel that I’m on board. I only hopped in for the sacral chakra governing our human sexuality, fertility and creativity. Then I went away. 

Now we/they are coming into the throat week and I’m actually suffering sore throat and possibly a burning lack of self-expression. So I am changing that.

For example, they called me from work asking to cover a shift.. in fact, they pleaded. The way I used to respond to desperate people in need (blackmailing me) was rather pathetic. Not anymore. I took 10 minutes to think about my answer and to confront any arising guilt.
I called back and politely said that I already made plans for the day since I wished to get better.
And it was ok! No one was mad at me; the next day the world was still spinning and colleagues treated me as usual.
Throat chakra: integrity, assertiveness.

My sensual sacral chakra a few weeks prior threw me into the stormy waters of fluid feminine energy. I dived deep into the past to gain understanding about the inexplicably ingrained female rage at the masculine. I had no shame or guilt to release from my womb this time around, but I had a lot of anger to let go of.
It wasn’t just my rage - it was all the hurts and pains the womankind had experienced.

Women went through oppression, burning at stakes, not being allowed to study, govern a state and they were looked down upon as the weaker sex - to say the very least. Even today, outrageous catastrophes happen. It is mostly females who get sexually assaulted (for what we know, but there are many, many assaulted males too), and the perpetrators are men of all backgrounds.
Even in the 21st century, we need to deal with inequality issues and urgently educate certain parts of the world about sexuality, compassion, and the values of the expansive feminine energy.

What my powerful sacral chakra dance made me realize was - that change starts with us women. We need to be brave and trust. We need to trust that men will raise to their masculine protectiveness, God Shiva wisdom, integrity and grounding abilities.

We are getting there… slowly.

I trust.

My current affirmation: 

I love my sexuality and its expressions.

The gypsy song

How great is this tune!

Coming back to God after Ayahuasca

I had scheduled a 3-day dance workshop with the renowned 5rhythms teacher and UK-born shaman Kate Shela for the same weekend that I ended up devouring Ayahuasca plant medicine. I saw Shela 2 years before when I had the pleasure to reside in Brisbane and already had been hooked on this wonderful conscious movement meditation. Obviously, this time it had to be one or the other - the Aya ceremony once more and for the last time, or a workshop in Mullum which would be a pain to get to every morning and back in the evening…

Of course, the drive could have been manageable - everything is if we really, really, want it. Nevertheless, despite desiring a transformation, I got scared of the intense theme of the workshop - "Heartbeat”. The compulsory exercises to be done before showing up on the dance floor were: to produce a list of people we’ve loved and a drawing of our heart….

Did that alone compel me to sell my ticket? Or wtf was it? I see my chickening out as a silly, spiritually unconscious error. Missing out on potentially the 3 best days of my life was a sober decision and yet… quite a self-sabotaging one. Two years ago Shela’s event seemed life-changing.

Now I have my own interpretation of my past choices. Everything has its reason, the right timing and the right place, doesn’t it?

This is what I’ve found in my journal some time ago:

The transcribed dream from 1.8.2018 ( nearly a month prior to the
 workshop)

“Having Kate Shella sewing a magnificent indigo peacock[like] long flowing dress for me…then I gave it to someone else; was flying like a bird, and came to her [again] to sew me a new one. Green one. “

The interpretation is easy now, and surprisingly heals my guilt.

With the workshop ticket, I had an opportunity to gain an insight into my heart’s deepest wisdom and access my intuition to see what actions to take to create a loving life for myself. Hence the indigo color - intuition - and a peacock design - new growth, birth, longevity, love and success seen in my dream.

I changed my mind though- I gave the dress (the Kate Shela tickets) to someone else…
I resigned in real life.
In the dream, however, I decided to come back to her and ask for a new dress. The new one was shorter, sexier and green - the color of the heart and healing…

I am still healing my heart. Not because of specific breakups, not because of fearing future betrayals, rejections, and disappointments (that may be a given), but possibly because of fearing my own unlovability. I’ve lived this as true all my life and those unconscious beliefs have brought a lot of misery, closing off, distrust in men, and most of all - stopped me from believing that true love was waiting for me, or could ever happen to someone like me. How could I ever feel worthy of having a loving relationship with a male soulmate?
My sense of worth, phew, where is such a thing?

What Kate Shela gave me instead could have been the Ayahuasca ceremony. Only too late, I have found out that the Byron Shaman mixed up the concoction with a little bit of Bobinsana - another  supposed heart-opener. How did the plant plan on opening my heart amidst all the terror and misery, which I experienced during that fatal Saturday night, is still a mystery to me.
I do have my own theory though.

You might have read here: Ayahuasca, here we go again

During the trip on this powerful hallucinogenic, I found a Godless place where no one has lived except weird creatures and shadows on a quest of deconstructing my mind, body, nervous system and beliefs. My soul kept waiting for the hallucinating to be over. I tried to communicate with God, I tried to pray for an insight so the images I kept seeing would bring me some understanding and peace, but I felt utterly alone and helpless. God was not there. I thought that the sense of lostness would leave along with the medicine gotten metabolized by my body. But hours turned into days… I’ve never felt more ‘unprotected’. Even though the medicine told me I was safe the very first time I drunk it, I couldn’t see/feel how that was true… nor my daily meditations provided any answers. 3 days later (how symbolic), I read something about surrender; I read how people prayed for healing and God’s help in strengthening the will. Also, my sister happened to send me some
 quotes from the gospels.

I came home one evening, dropped down onto my knees and began praying until I’d find God again.

Tears came streaming down my face…

Indeed, in a loveless, dark and clueless space, there is no God. That is a thriving space only for our mind that likes to play tricks on us.
The moment we’ll open the door to something external, salvation comes in in the form of divine support - which I choose to call God. That sense of being loved, connected and surrendered brings power to raise our vibration to joy, trust, love and banishes all feelings of separation.
It confirmed to me what Marianne Williamson or Gabriella Bernstein once said: that we can either learn through love or learn through fear. The final lesson is still the same, just a different delivery.

Ayahuasca gave me a lesson in fear.

God gave the same in love.
I need to choose love, let go off the struggle, and keep choosing learning through love.

The 'Heartbeat' workshop could have been a much pleasant experience, but it doesn't matter now. I might seek Kate Shela in another time and place - when I am ready to claim my heart whole once again.

Meanwhile, I enjoyed 5rhythms dance class yesterday. It was truly ’Sweat Your Prayers’ perfect. I became aware how precious those two hours are, we have received a gift from the founder Gabrielle Roth. Dancing is a prayer, and therefore, a way to salvation.

I may be a gypsy, having no roots.
I may wish to feel better, but things will never be more perfect than what I can make them right now.
As long as I’m dancing, there will always be a place of safety and healing for me.

There’s one more thing I have to do to make personal amends.

In April last year, I felt determined to queue for hours to receive the magical healing embrace of Amma, the so called Indian Mother Theresa.

She came to present her teachings not too far from where I lived in Brisbane. Sure, it signaled a long evening spent in a hall full of strangers, waiting for my turn to be hugged and transformed by her unconditional love and wise words. I was willing to do it - for the experience, no specific intention - at least, that’s how ‘determined’ I left my home.

I got there super early as I thought it would somehow make the hours roll around faster since my turn would come right at the beginning. But it didn’t. I came 3 hours too early. I wouldn’t be able to receive the token sooner than 90 minutes prior to the start of the ceremony.

I sat down on the stairs and began replying to texts from my new married friend, J.
I wanted to cut him off, prevent myself from falling for him, but I couldn’t get over our emotional connection. His melancholic texts saddened me and I longed to see him again.
I turned around at once, steady in my decision that receiving a hug from a real man would make my day better than a mythical love from a female Guru who’d be off to her Ashram in India soon after.

Once again I gave in to my impatience and impulsiveness where I cannot see anything beyond immediate gratification.

That evening J. and I slept together for the first time and it was possibly the best sex I’ve ever had (even with J. himself, he’s never lived up to that 2-hour expectation again).
Of course, he was off to his family after the deed, as well as Amma would have travelled back to hers after the Australian tour. Was dating a married man for the next few months worth missing out on a potentially heart-healing, all transforming experience with long-term benefits?
No.

It wasn’t until Darwin several months later, when my stupidity downed on me. I read a story from Arielle Ford about how her husband came into her life.
She embraced Amma, she whispered to her what she wanted, then within 6 months - she received it.

My itinerary:
Darwin - Bali - Frankfurt ——> volunteering during the entire Amma’s program in Brombachtel 2.10-4.10.

Then making my way to the neighboring country - home, sweet home...
I decided; therefore, I am making it happen.

Like a virgin

What have I discovered during nearly a year-long celibacy?

The longer it gets, the colder I feel... I’ve already established that active sex life had nothing to do with my attractiveness, respectively if I felt more/less beautiful with/without a man. It had to do with warmth and claiming the rights of the feminine, embodying the powerful receiving Goddess. 

That is sexuality for me in theory. 

I’ve had one year to embody sexuality from a non-sexual perspective. Now I’m ready!

I’m reading an amazing book called Willpower - Rediscovering the greatest human strength.
No doubt I have proved myself that I can exercise willpower to the extreme!
Sadly, it had side effects. I’ve been experiencing what Baumeister and Tierney call “ego depletion”.
(In Tantric/kundalini terms it translates to having a dysfunctional solar plexus chakra.)
In other words, I turned weak-willed where I should have learned to exude self-discipline.
Why is that so?? Wasn’t practicing self-control over my sexuality enough to strengthen my willpower also everywhere else?

The book finally gave me astounding answers.
I pushed myself to use self-control in too many areas of my life.
“Ego Depletion” happens to people who go on serial dieting, work in a job they don’t like, live with someone they are not in love with, or strive for success where success is clearly not easily within reach - and all that preferably at once.
What happened to me after my last year’s decision to stay sexless for a while?
1. I am always on a diet but since the end of 2017, I am getting fatter and fatter.
2. I keep working hard, yet I lost any remaining interest in my Tantric business (which could be temporary.)
3. Saying that I am experiencing ‘a dry spell’ when it comes to the dating scene or possible romantic liaisons with men is an understatement. No will to be social.
4. I am constantly 'moving,’ seeking 'home’ and adventure, yet the consequent ‘ungroundedness’ has proven extra exhausting.

I anxiously anticipated gaining control over every area of my life, until I pleaded not to have any at all.
I began craving a loss of control and a wild abandon.
Being possibly severely sexually deprived started to negatively reflect in other areas of my life.
There were some benefits to taming my impulses when it came to superficial affairs..ok, my sex drive was quite high at some point... but - who cared??? No one but my head.
In hindsight, I much preferred a higher sex-esteem than losing interest in my life in the past few months.

It’s time to look truth right in the eye.
My life before the celibacy might have had flaws. Damn, it had a lot of them.
But my life now, 11 months in, is a frickin’ disaster.
Having sex does not solve all problems (I am sure it does solve some),  but not having it seems to be making things even worse.
Good news, I am rediscovering the feelings that I’ve buried in the last 11 months... and I’m giving my sexuality a new meaningless meaning.
No time for punishment, redemption, shame, guilt, regret...
There is a lot of fire in me... I can control it, but I don’t want to.

I could continue having a sexless life and die miserable, or I could give in to my passions and see what happens. 

Men, who’s going to take my virginity?

Ayahuasca medicine, here we go again

I wished for someone to fuck my brains out, and Ayahuasca plant medicine did just that on Saturday.

Fuck... what an intense sensory experience. How did I even deserve that? lol.

A total deconstruction of my own reality and my sense of self. In conversations, we tend to say: ‘I feel lost’ or even describe others as ‘lost’...
Do we really know what that word means??

My trip on A. was an experience of utter lostness. I shattered to pieces. I had no idea who I was, where I was and what was happening to me... The medicine dissected me and blew me into space.

We sat down in the hall just after 6pm following a mini fast (not eating hardly anything substantial the whole day, and nothing after 2pm).

I was ready to face my demons. Somehow, I refused to believe that Ayahuasca fully showed up for me 6 weeks before. My first experience was very gentle, yet the shaman said she had to purge some of my darkness for me. Well, I was not having it.
So this time - no crystals, dream catchers or prayers for a mild trip. I was ready.

Sure enough, in the midsts of my latest experience, I was begging for mercy. I’d love to say that I prayed - but I had lost any convictions of what God was to me or to which deity at all I should direct my prayers to.

Catching my mouth yawning in the dark seemed very ironic; because in my mind I was far from experiencing the luxury of tiredness. My mind raced furiously, bringing me insanity which I was certain would never stop.
I felt certain that I was truly lost.
How could I ever pick up all the pieces that were floating outside of my body? All the bolts and nuts that these spirits (or what) were pulling out of me as if I was a clock at the watchmaker...

My visions started out blurred, all the forest animals who came to kill me looked caricatured/animated. There were crocodiles, hedgehogs, bisons with swords and chainsaws and claws... and then among all the chaos, in the background, was ancient Egypt ... sitting sort of behind the shaman... lines of the ‘all seeing eye’, the majestic sphinx, the pyramid...

I loved it and at the same time I felt so freaked out.

On my left I saw an Australian Aboriginal flag just as I realized that I looked like an old Aboriginal woman, but not possessing any torso, looking at my brown arms and bony frame... shivering...

Then the hot flushes and what was probably my kundalini, making its way up my spine..tingling... I saw myself burning in hell...seeing tiny little animated flames all around me... a little toy of a batman appeared to fall from a castle...

I tried to communicate with the energy, with my nerves being deconstructed and shown in front of me in green colors. Then I hear the shaman telling me: “You’re a healer, you picked up all those foreign energies that you now carry... drop it.” And I did, and some of the fear has dropped too. I no longer resisted the terror, but as soon as the shaman left my side, I got petrified by my hallucinations once again, mumbling “Fuck, fuck..” despite the shaman urging me not to swear during the ceremony.

It was hard... all the shadows that surrounded me wanted a piece of me, one was sucking on my brain, another one on my heart....
I was battling the ghosts and it left me exhausted...shaking... unable to purge - being told by something that I cannot purge. Each time I picked up the bowl - there was a face of a monkey laughing at me. The bowl was clean... even though I swore I threw up into it...

Then my visions changed... a couple of times I sighted out in relief that the substance finally disintegrated... only to get another bout of scary images in my brain and hot and cold tingly sensations... wtf... I thought it would never end.
Each time the music stopped I would get a panic attack that the ceremony must have been over and everyone would start happily joking about and eating away before bed... It couldn’t be. I was still going...
Well... some people were done, but I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t. Upon the lights back on, I still could not walk straight and my head seemed to have been hit by a brick.
Everything I smelled made me sick.

The cleansing tobacco near my face finally made me puke. And puke hard.
I could not eat... I was still shaken and miles away. So was apparently another girl too.

I went into my room and straight under the covers.
I don’t remember what exactly I experienced in the bed - but I was finally willing to admit that some twisted healing must have taken place out in the hall. I thanked the spirit, the energy of the plant, the whole experience... and gratitude overwhelmed me. I was deconstructed, so I could heal and construct myself anew.
Some peaceful visions followed.
Nevertheless, I caught a glimpse of sinister shadows behind the window and I resignedly waited for the spirits to kill me.

Suddenly, the medicine/spirit/DMT left my brain.

My head stopped spinning. I felt clarity returning along with some ease. It struck past midnight.
I looked at my phone again after 1am, realizing that I was still seeing stuff behind my closed eyes.
At 5:30am I heard noises in the house and decided that that was the end to my surreal night and perhaps a good time to break my fast.

.Apparently it’s normal to feel shaken still days after the medicine. I touched the bottom of my fear and despair.
Something happened... what exactly I still don’t know.

I gotta implement my own medicine - everything that I wrote in ‘Transitioning’.
I feel like I know what to do for keeping myself above water and in good spirits...
It’s hard to change all the negative beliefs and unproductive self-hate-talk. But that’s just part of finding our sanity again.






Next: How my celibacy’s going...