Union With Oneself

I am so grateful for the people who keep standing up for me.

I’ve had a couple of confronting weeks. During that time I used Adam and sex as distractions, so I wouldn’t have to deal with myself. Needless to say, it didn't work. Thus, it's over. 

In fact, I used men as distractions all my life. What was I covering up? 

I’ve been so inauthentic in my romantic relationships, it’s painful to recall all the manipulations I resorted to when trying to entice potential lovers. I became a champion at getting men to desire me or becoming mildly obsessed by me. I used to send them half naked pictures of mine, talked in a seductive language, and of course, I fulfilled their wildest dreams in the bed… 

Two patterns tend to occur. The guy either got hooked, and I left as I wasn’t satisfied with the illusions I created. I simply didn’t trust myself that I could keep up his interest by repeating those tricks. (I bet I couldn't. Sex is not enough.)

Or, in the second scenario, the guy didn't get hooked, he'd rather see me through and wouldn't be fully satisfied by what I was offering, so he left.

Perhaps those men knew that they wanted, or they didn’t quite know what it was that was missing… either way, they didn’t think they could help lift me up to my magnificence and help me become the girlfriend they dreamed of. Well, could they?

It’s time I deal with myself before another trial and error. There’s no shame in getting the right partner before you are ready, and he/she helps you become that person you were always meant to be. However, even these "unions" tend to break up when the transitioning partner finally transforms.

I have all the tools to cause my transformation myself! Even now, right away. I had a lifetime of experience.

What was missing was an unshakable sense of my magnificent awesomeness. I have the potential to embody the lover who doesn't need to play games. I can speak my truth and love another freely.

I am not talking about becoming someone’s doormat or a slave to someone’s love and attention.. but to give and take in equal measures. Taking care of one another because it feels good.
I knew what to do, yet I wasn’t doing it.
Why?

Where did I learn to sabotage my relationships?

I felt my mother’s resentments towards my father as a direct reflection of her relationship with her dad (sorry grandpa, I know you used to beat her because you didn’t know what other educational tools to use to tame her wildness. Rest in peace)

I had no self-esteem, blaming my father for his gypsy heritage which resulted in me looking 'different'. I started judging myself then.

Oh my God, that shame fell away ages ago! I came to embrace my temperament, my passion, the adventurous spirit, love of the mysterious and the gypsy nomadic flexibility. I am a child of God and the Universe, feeling good everywhere I set my foot in.

Isn’t it time I stopped acting like an angry little girl?

Isn’t it time I stopped the judgment and the fear of judgment? I already established I had been my worst bully. Then I discovered the importance of "Self-Love". Isn't it about time to enjoy the fruits of my labour? There’s no shame in feeling unique and amazing!

No man deserves to pay the price for my stubbornness, smallness and my resentments towards my father - which were most likely learned from my mother (and so on). In fact, I never bonded with my father. How could I judge who he really was? He was put in a box shortly after I was old enough to assess the situation at home (and listen to my mother)…

I want to give someone a chance to build something new with me…. free from the past, free from the resentments, free from all the previous heartaches… I want to give myself the chance to experience my magnificent, loving, happy side!

I must believe in the possibility of love.
Other people have found it, I will do too. And so will you if you put in the effort to know yourself, unite with all the aspects of yourself, and say goodbye to those behavioral patterns that never served you.

xxx

Mess I was

I’ve been a mess the last 2 weeks… I could blame it on the coming full moon, the full moon, the receding full moon, my PMT, the lack of more frequent sex (that’s a big one), the lack of hugs and affection from others in general, or on the fact that work has been quiet; and lastly, these past few days, on the fact that upon Rowena's own suggestion - encouragement - to call Him… I unblocked his number and began communicating peace… The jerk has responded with couple of words altogether. 

He is not very generous with his communication - but if that’s just a story I’m telling myself - in reality, he’s not being authentic and honest with me. If something’s up, you don’t wanna resume communicating, just tell me off. This is a dead end road I see. I don’t know if Rowena has a game of her own, or perhaps I’m imagining things.

Why would I want to be with a man who is not there (or here) for me?

Maybe I am contradicting myself, yet again. The last couple of months I’ve been unconsciously whispering to people “Fuck off, leave me alone.”

So I’m left alone.

On a positive note, Carl is a man with his doors open. 

I was invited for a dinner last night, however, given my current funny state but open communication about my messiness we created a compromise between being social - eating out, and being isolated - grieving in my quarantine.

I got picked up and driven to Carl's place to watch a comedy. And it was really funny! I’m happy about my decision to come and sample a biodynamic red wine which tasted divine - the most delicious alcohol I've had in ages. 

I am also glad I made the move to lean into his torso while watching the TV. He’s been nothing but nice, tender and respectful to me all this time, and that was my premier of showing him some affection.

I think I should be more giving.

If I look too much into it, I still have blocks surrounding men and 'dating'. And strangely, after so much learning, I still manage to attract the cold ones, the busy ones, and the non communicative ones. If there are emotionally challenged jerks out there, rest assured that I'd pick them up. Is this about to end, God? I am doing my best to be the opposite - very authentic, transparent and communicating - as to not be a hypocrite!

Carl seems like an exception. So it mildly freaks me out. Oh, and the other day I had a morning coffee/tea with one fellow dancer, Jonathan, and it went really well. Likewise, he is a different breed than what I’m used to. We have a dinner on Wednesday night.

It seems that the more I say YES to casual dates with men I am not initially over the moon about, the higher is my perception of the possibility of a great relationship manifesting soon. Finally, I am starting to project to the outside world what I wish to see in it.

Time to finish my assignment for Marketing…

Christianity, Valentine's Day

I've been researching liberal churches in Australia. I had no idea there was such a thing as "progressive Christianity". It turned out there is a few of them in Brisbane. However, their websites were not very telling. I was interested how open-minded and truly welcoming their Christian attitudes were... so I made it more simple. I typed into google "Gay friendly churches near me". Two came up.

Now, you know I am not gay, neither bi, even though I love women just as much as men, but at the same time I have no intentions in sleeping with them (anymore hahahah. Just kidding). I would like to be part of such church because I believe that true Godliness and kindness should encompass all living beings. I can't be part of an institution that excludes certain humans based on their sexuality, gender, race or different cosmological beliefs!
I'm really pleased that I found a progressive (gay-friendly) Christian church within walking distance from me, and I'm looking forward to exploring that community starting Sunday.

My Valentine's day was busy, therefore no dates, but I couldn't be happier at my evening Leadership seminar. Last week they seduced us into coming by noting they had a surprise prepared for us, "don't you dare not to turn up!". So the majority of us did. Only to get a cheap bite-size milk chocolate. In spite of that really lame (!) Valentine's gift (was hoping for champagne, strawberries, and DARK chocolates), I felt loved! :) And I was glad that the romantic idea of such day was not spoiled by a guy coming over to satisfy me sexually and then abandoning me 10 minutes later!

On the other hand, Valentine's day is a celebration of love, and love has many forms. Therefore, even a casual date could have been alright. I am in favor of frequent selfishness though - of celebrating SELF-LOVE and SELF-NURTURING! 

Confession

I have a confession to make.
I fantasized about my ex until about 11pm last night. Then I accepted my feelings and made peace with myself. 
Maybe I reminisced because I was horny (and abandoned, so my mind wandered into the past), or because we did so many good things together, or perhaps because of the fact that he was now alone.
The reason is not that important.
Moreover, ACTING upon my feelings based on melancholy is not important, nor advisable!
What matters is the present. And the present had been fine before I heard this information from Rowena.

Lessons from last night's awareness:

Honor all your feelings.
Make a special place for them in your heart.
Don't deny them, don't hide them.
Treasure them.
You can still love another, even if you don't want them back, even while being apart, even if the love is not reciprocated, even if you feel like you shouldn't, and surely if you don't need anything in return.
Love is love. It stays.

I am at peace with my life as it is. 
It may sounds freaky, but I found God during my dance ceremony 2 days ago. I forgot God had always been with me. It seems unbelievable to feel so connected. I finally feel complete. 
I don't need another person to make me feel loved, safe and mattered, other than God.
I will claim my Christianity over the coming days.

No running back to the past (not even in the mind)

I need to stay present and focus my mind only on the outcomes I wish to manifest. I spend too much time thinking about stuff that is pointless, gets me nowhere, or makes me feel agitated. Do you?

Hearing from Rowena (my ex’s and mine mutual friend) that He is single… made my heart skip a beat. It soon resumed in a rather excited manner, however, worrying queesiness arose in my stomach. 

No, I can’t go back into that drama of it all, but if I’m to be honest while making an effort with this healing blog, all kinds of things occurred to me in that short moment. The unexpected information made me feel funny and a little too curious from some reason… what a news! I thought he’d be caught up in that relationship forever. He complained about it, he didn’t mind to kiss me while still in it, or tell me that he loved me…but he let her keep coming.

No… I am not running back into the past, not in my thoughts, not ever.

I am quite happy with how things are unfolding here in Brisbane, happy with my school, my fuckbuddy and all that…

Apparently he still talks about me… A lump in my throat.

Hmm, I forgot I still felt something towards my ex… so hard not to imagine us together. The memories in bed with him are still quite strong… after all, nothing compares to making love to a lover who loves you and you love them too.
Even though the love was based on illusions about one another.

A very, very sick and toxic relationship.
No intention to see him again.

I shouldn’t have asked Rowena about him, but it was my way of proving myself that I got over him, and I could boldly face anything that she would tell me. Like - he’s getting married, or his girlfriend is pregnant… but not quite that he’s single, no.

What am I going to do with this information? Simply nothing, pretend I’ve never heard, all good, back to my Brisbane world.

It's utterly crazy to imagine that a small bit of me would still like to be part of those small-town dramas!

There are activities which can help us stay present on the path that don't involve drama, heartaches, and somebody else's bullshit. Yoga, reading, sharing... 

Maybe I should dial Adam tonight?

Cacao Ceremony

Just wanted to drop a line that tonight's cacao ceremony fulfilled all my expectations and beyond. I had found what I was looking for only few minutes after ingesting the sacred drink. My breakthrough brought tears into my eyes but made me feel relieved, loved and protected at the same time.
I will write more about the feeling process after my morning program with Rowena.
Regarding my intention, I definitely received answers along with couple of next steps to take.
Not knowing what for yet - what the end result is, shouldn't be a problem. I trust God has the details.
I see the bigger picture more clearly now. 
The bigger picture is the same for all of us - happiness. We're going about it differently. Some ways bring us love, connection, peace and freedom, some don't.
Finally I feel like I deserve the former - the easier - the good stuff!

Seek your own forgiveness

*Expect a lesson towards the end of the STORY!

I feel so excited in anticipation of tonight’s full moon cacao ceremony! It won’t be my first one, however, knowing that the eclipse is in leo, which is said to bring about new positive beginnings, makes this one more special. 

Tip: In order to get the most out of this powerful full moon, ask yourself what you'd like to let go off, and set an intention.

Last night I was present to one sad realization - I’d not stopped beating myself up.
I was still drifting into the past of my break up. And it wasn't pretty there.

It must be said - Him and I are cool. We don’t talk, but there are no harsh feelings, there is no lust either. I fell out of love successfully, and since December last year I wouldn’t even sleep with him. Yes, I kept an open mind before.

So, what is bugging me if I’m sure I don’t want Him back?

One year later, I still feel like I have a valid reason to feel guilty! I cocoon inside my deep remorse, or scold myself for being inadequately emotional.
I lost awareness of my feelings regarding this unresolved trauma.

What’s worse, Him and I had conversations about my guilt so many times, I had also consulted all my close friends - I was granted forgiveness already. When will I finally forgive myself?

Was he ‘wrong’ for having a few weeks long affair early on in the relationship, or did I just get what I deserved for omitting my own truth?
Was I ‘wrong’ for doing what I believed I had to do to make a living, not telling him, and then fuming about his lies? I felt the hopelessness of it.

In my mind I used to keep rehashing how righteous I acted, as he was the condemned, when I knew it could have been vice versa. Yet, I felt angry. I was afraid I had no right to feel that way, but suppressing my natural humane reaction to disapointment - anger - drove me nuts! 

Should I write across my chest - guilty, but doing my best 

? How can I truly forgive myself?
Who else needs to absolve me if God and my ex already did???

I want to stop unconsciously punishing myself. 
I hope my repenting has en end to it...

I’m setting intention for tonight:
May I feel as though there is no one else righteous enough to judge my past actions, no one righteous to say who was wrong and who was right, no one else to be merciful and absolve me of my sin, no one else to grant me a pardon, but me. May I forgive myself fully!

I wish we all could feel like we are allowed to forgive ourselves for anything, and we don’t need other people's approval for that deep self-forgiveness.
Because… even if we get it, would we believe it? I doubt it.
The search for the right person to forgive us and absolve us of our sins/wrongdoings would resume and thus, become never-ending!

*You must be the right person to forgive you.*

Nonetheless, I can’t deny that separating from Him and his life was the best thing that could have happened in 2016.
No matter the ‘real’ reason for it, or who the sinners and the saints were.

Have a magical weekend!

Lunar eclipse in Leo

The true end to 2016.

"Lunar Eclipses are always viewed in astrology as being deeply transformative times that can bring abrupt and sudden change." 

...

"Imagine the energy of an Eclipse like a Universal hand that reaches down from the heavens and puts you where you need to be.
This place may not be where you want to be, or may not be where you thought you would end up, but it is definitely where you need to be."
....

"Seeing that the Eclipse falls in the sign of Leo, there is going to be a fiery element to this Full Moon as well. This energy is going to help push things along but it is also going to provoke abrupt endings.
If something needs to be gone from your life, if something needs to come to an end, this Eclipse is going to set the wheels in motion.
2016 was very much a year of endings. Endings are necessary in order to make way for the new and this Lunar Eclipse is like the final purge of 2016."

"Whatever you needed to let go of, whatever changes you needed to make, this Eclipse is going to ensure that it happens."

- by Tanaaz Chubb, full article is here: Full Moon

I find this astrological forecast very exciting. I could use a "Universal hand" to lead me to my true purpose. I've been all over the place lately.
What do I need to let go of? Tanaaz writes that "The last eclipse was in September 2016 and February’s Eclipse is going to bring an end to whatever energy was brewing at this time."

Year 2016 was awesome. Says I from February-2017 perspective. In a hindsight, I've lived most of the last year in a nightmare. 

Yes, that bad felt my own 'lostness' and the depression from having chased away the one I loved to the arms of another woman. Even though I picked up the pieces of me at some point and resumed living and taking care of myself, there was I in September still creating stories (illusions) about the measures and implications of that break-up. I said goodbye to my past and began a journey of empowerment and deep soul searching, yet He was still at the back of my mind. The guy that got away. The 'true love' that I have fucked up.

What was brewing? Was it the slow realization that no man (especially the one who lies and cheats and acts as a lunatic) was worth my self-punishing?

Maybe. How about admitting that I was a manipulator and a liar myself. Oh sorry, I only withheld the truth from him and others. There are words to describe what I was doing in an absolving way.
I lied to myself too.

However, what came out of that relationship were life-enhancing lessons. 

I will not manipulate, nor lie again. What I am, I attract!

I imagined myself as a big butterfly today.... 

It gave me the strength to see my life with detachment, and the reassurance that whenever it all gets tough and insane again, I will just fly above it. My past of a caterpillar doesn't matter.

I choose to transform into a bold and beautiful leo-butterfly today.

"This is a powerful eclipse, but it is also extremely magical and protective. Change will happen but it is definitely going to be change for the better." *

What was brewing for you in September?

itatooz.net

*retrieved from: http://gostica.com/astrology/the-february-10th-lunar-full-moon-eclipse-in-leo-a-spiritual-perspective/

Seeing the beauty&humor in all relationships

Little did I know while publishing Endings<-->Beginnings on Sunday that in few minutes Adam would get back to me with "a plan". Am I positive that I didn't know it?

Yes, yes, I started sleeping with Adam again. 

And I'm so enjoying the breadcrumbs!

Was that too predictable?

Perhaps if he'll keep taking me out for a dinner once in a while, the whiny child in me gets to feel somewhat validated.

It's not about the dinners after all. Has that been an outdated matter of principle for me?
When I don't whinge, I like the 'arrangement'. In other words, having him on top of me for the most part!

I am looking forward to hanging out with people I don't necessarily want to sleep with this weekend.
I found a really sassy soul-sister in Rochelle, and I can't wait what inspiring and crazy ideas will come out of this new friendship!
Rowena is coming from NSW to faithfully meet up with me. I love that we keep in touch even though her pain-in-the-ass boss is Him, my ex.

Carl called me today and I was happy seeing his name on the display as if a long-time missed friend phoned me, not someone I went on a couple of dates with. Sadly, his manner of narrating hasn't gotten any more comprehensible.
He invited me for Sunday's lamb roast. To his place. He insisted I absolutely needed to experience this Australian tradition. Apparently, it is a custom to savor the roast with a bottle of red wine, too. 

I asked how many people were coming. He said it would be just the two of us...

So, the guy either hopes for an entertaining, friendly company (mine)... or he's not giving up!

Will I give in? That's a provocative question. 

Nah, I think I should change my mind about coming altogether!
He is very interesting, but I prefer not to complicate my life at the moment. Am I looking too much into it? Again?!

The Spiritual Expressions Of Sexuality

Should I let people know that sex is spiritual?
Would it enhance at least one person's life?
Can we liberate ourselves and stop thinking that an embraced sexuality is outrageous or dirty?
Would people then start acting more loving and understanding towards one another?

My community project intends to accomplish all that and beyond.
Sexuality is not at all just about people having sex. 
Sexuality is a healthy attribute of our living, and breathing humanness. It is deeply connected to the body, mind & spirit.
Not only the art of Tantra, but also dancing, yoga, meditation, kundalini practices, breathing, and of course loving feelings towards ourselves and others can lead us to accessing the depths of one's sexuality. 

I want to talk about masturbation, imagination, the gaze (wanting to see and be seen), Greek Gods and Goddesses, lust, femininity & masculinity, fetishes, sex industry, and health benefits of orgasms - ecstatic living.
I'm sorry, human sexuality is not just about having an intercourse!

I will start with an informative evening on the 18th of March.
I have a lot to share, and I am confident it will come across clear enough to empower those who want to free themselves out of their shells. 
My accent, grammar issues, my colorful past, and all that authenticity about me - bring it on!
I am not afraid of judgment because I don't judge - I still critique the things I do, occasionally, but not for long as I know that my essence is pure love, forgiveness, and compassion - not just regarding others, but regarding myself too.
My awareness of my behavior is at its peak, and it stops the judging voice in my head very soon after it opens its mouth. Years of practice.

The voice in our head will never leave. We can only learn to shut it up. 

Who's up for exploring the mysteries of Sexuality and Tantra Massage?

Tantra on ME

Last night was scandalous. Very different experience for me. Two hours of undivided attention all for my tantalizing pleasure!

I had the most gentle Tantra massage done on ME, which was far better than the ones I received back in November 2015, when learning the Art of Tantra. There is always a room for surprises!

I had introduced my friend to Tantra in early December, and he surprised me by making the effort to study about it and learn the skills himself. Walter flew in from Sydney last night and spoiled me rotten.

He said he felt grateful for discovering something like this for himself, and as a tool for treating the special people in his life. Well, I felt absolutely special.

I loved his technique and all the smooth moves flowing across my entire body. I have to update (and upgrade) my own methods, especially for my female clients. 

Q: What do I think about the spontaneous, tingling, crazy whole-body orgasm I experienced at the end of Tantra?
A: So powerful! But because every orgasm is different, it would be unfair to compare them. Regarding the climax last night, it was the inevitable combination and accumulation of more than 2 hours worth of sensitizing my body with the human touch, relaxing to the tunes of SkyDancing Tantra, having very strange visions popping up into my mind, and conscious breathing techniques. The body was supercharged with thousand watts! 

It seemed like my breathing alone had led me to the shaking O. I simply decided to lead myself there and 'switch all the lights on'.

I loved the practice and I would do it again, but - not so soon.

The beauty of Tantra orgasm lies in its longevity. I feel 'maxed out' still 12 hours later. I know that one has to dedicate a proper time for switching off and being pampered, it should be a treat. I could be pampered any day, don’t get me wrong, yet that kind of a climax… I don’t actually want to have it every day! It takes a lot of energy in and out. 

It's not exhausting per se (I did sleep like a baby though), it is in fact a universal workout for the entire body, mind and soul. If it’s done properly, once in a while is just enough. Maybe that’s what Osho meant by “cosmic love” which is sufficient being made only once a year…
Wow… I understand that now! I still feel at peace and ‘fulfilled’.

Q: Does that compare to having sex? 

A: It depends! 

I just mentioned above that there are many types of orgasms and I don’t want to compare them, so regarding "the process" of making love to another human being, someone you care about - nope, I wouldn’t swap that for a Tantra massage by a Tantra facilitator.

However, if there's no emotional intimacy and transparency - go for Tantra instead!

Sex with all the little perks - The closeness, the warmth of the other person between your legs, their sweat, their kisses on your neck… It produces a different type of orgasm. I love the process alone. Emotional connection and chemistry are essential for me now, so I wouldn’t have sex with someone I didn’t feel it with (anymore!). 

The human body is unique, precious and worthy of worship. 

What I discovered last night was that I totally deserved to be worshiped and tended to - but it must come from me first. I must accept and value myself in order to enjoy somebody accepting and valuing me.

We all must start at the core of our beliefs!

Learn to love yourself unconditionally.

Tantra is about your relationship to yourself, your own body and the vital force within. When we are in ecstasy, the body image and the sense of 'self' disappear anyway. 

The Kundalini energy woke up and crawled along my spine up to the 7th chakra in its unbridled power. It helped me reach the heights of altered consciousness and disappear. 

Unbelievable. 

I am glad that Walter lives in Sydney, otherwise I would have a competition!
But I am not mean. I matched him up with my loyal female client who is seeing him today. I can’t wait for her feedback!*



*

February 8th, 2017
Feedback from Caroline, who's on a journey of self-empowerment, learning to make peace with her body and love herself :

"Sorry I didn't get back to you. I ended up falling asleep last night.
I had a very deep restful sleep after the massage. I felt like a million dollars. Walter was kind and gentle.
It was a mix of Kahuna or Lomi-Lomi massage with yoni massage similar to Mariah Freya's techniques but there was something else hard to explain. There was an all body trembling energy flow and bursts. I felt things I had never felt before and energy I never knew my body could circulate.
Let me know what you would like to know as feedback and I can answer your questions. Otherwise, it can be a bit hard to put it in words.
Overall it was quite amazing and very different. My final thought is that both approaches are deeply therapeutic. Being massaged by a female can be nurturing and empowering. There is a connection there along the lines of being with someone else who knows what it is to be a woman and what troubles us. A male on the other hand, can offer more of a worshiping approach like you mentioned."

Being open and flexible

I get fascinated over and over again by my convictions about “this is it”, then it proving me otherwise shortly afterwards. I get fascinated by things ceasing to exist, having me convinced that that's it, if only they didn’t start the next day in a new way. I get fascinated by lotta stuff, yet my frequent, absolute convictions about something which get rebutted the next moment just shock me every time.

Try asking yourself when was the last time you said - I won’t show up here again, I am done, it’s over, not for me - then some time later, the next day, or perhaps in few years, you turn up again, you do that again, you try that - and it's different plus it suits you well! When I was 19 I said - "No more studies, no one will see me behind the school desk ever again!" Ten years later I am enrolling in Master studies.

Perhaps we think that our days are pretty lined up, and nothing new and exciting can step in, only to meet someone very interesting that very afternoon, or receive an extraordinary news.

We put our experiences and other people in boxes only to get a slap on the cheek once we realize it was us in the box all the while.

Leaving some room for surprises, for events taking a different turn, likewise a room for people changing their minds, can be life-enhancing. I’ve always been flexible like that. Yes, I tend to draw the line - I can’t help the initial conviction that it won’t happen again (no way), but I am always prepared for unexpected turns of events. They never cease to surprise me, but that possibility of being proven wrong about my mindset excites me more than anything! I like that thrill of seeing the old with fresh eyes!

Anticipating something new, even if it's "the old" but from a different perspective, makes life a human experience worth living fully each day.

Endings <--> Beginnings

New endings are also new beginnings.
When Adam decided to sabotage yet another dinner - an opportunity to be intimate in a different way and make the sex better as a result (I believe he couldn't see this equation) - my patience run out. 
Although mad as hell, I felt strangely relieved; I knew he would call it off and propose to come just for "a coffee". I imagine he doesn't even remember that I don't drink coffee, but whatever, I knew what the code meant. I used to be available for this afternoon "coffee break", but I'd love myself a new scenery every now and then!

I had to blow off lots of steam last night, so I went out dancing with the most fun people in Brisbane. Rochelle, her husband, and her super nice colleagues.
I totally danced my anger away and my feet off. Needs to be said that I already climbed a mountain that day!

In order to heal fast, as it's been the case with EVERYTHING I had posted and made public so far, I will have to share our last conversation.
(and who knows, perhaps someone will find themselves in it!)

***
Me:
Just for a future reference - when you get to meet someone else for sex - you would wonder how far a simple dinner goes as a foreplay!
You might not have many experiences with women outside of the bedroom, and I am not sure if I can speak for all of them, but to me it is important to feel a little cared for even when I am in it just for the sex! Although I probably don’t enjoy your company that much either - like you don’t enjoy mine, I enjoy being physical. And that is at its best if the guy cares a bit and is available! Taking a girl out once in a while (honestly, a dinner once a month is not that much) is a nice courtesy that would make the overall experience more exciting for both.
But I knew you would sabotage it anyway.
Well, good luck finding someone who’ll keep settling for the breadcrumbs you’re willing to play with.

Adam:

You are right I agree 100% this is why i am single (by choice) My work is my priority and I had things i needed to do that came up that day. You deserve someone who will give you their everything. unfortunately that is not me. all the best

***

Now, this brief escapade is over, and shouldn't be rehashed and looked too much into anymore, yet I can't help but feeling a little sad. Knowing myself, I  know how important it is to acknowledge even this tiny, subtle feeling. 
This sadness is probably due to having said goodbye to something that was quite convenient (for someone who loves sex), and goodbye to someone who was good-looking and 'decent' in his ways - but clearly not enough into me. 
Saying hello to something new is well overdue. Why does it still seem intimidating, and why do I keep attracting the same men in essence? Do I possess the right resources to welcome the new with?

The work will begin. It is definitely about time to find a boyfriend...
(He doesn't have to be Australian and it doesn't have to be forever - but it must be real and feel great!) 
I have to sit with whatever I am feeling now for a moment, but no need to despair. A new ending will turn into a new beginning. Always. 

Nonetheless, in order to make the new beginning f*ing awesome, I have to delete my past 'mistakes' from my consciousness - target the patterns and twist them! If I want to implement new beliefs is must start NOW.  New beliefs and new 'feeling messages' to the Universe will lead to new choices. 
Trust me, if I finally nail this, everybody will benefit! :)

Take your inner child on a trip

My inner child wants to feel free and play today.
I'm in the Glasshouse Mountains and soaking up the nature with all my senses.
I highly recommend these healthy escapes which may inspire us to take responsibility for our lives yet again. You may go alone with your inner child, or with someone who cares for you as much as you care for yourself.
Not until death we can run away from ourselves or our turbulent lives, therefore, let's make the little escapes meaningful and uplifting.
I already feel the energizing effects of the Australian soil beneath my bum, and I hear the rocks, trees and fresh air asking me to make someone else happy once I climb down from the mountain.
Meanwhile, let's enjoy the peace!

Being "wrong"

Today I just have a thought-provoking suggestion that keeps producing miracles in my life.

Whenever you feel like fighting something... or someone...
Allow yourself the possibility that you might have been wrong.

Maybe you really did make the mistake they said you did, and that's why an insincere apology doesn't make you feel better.
Maybe you should have had a different attitude than the one you chose to expose.
Maybe there's more to the issue than the "story" you are making up as you go along.

On another note..
Maybe he/she aren't as bad as you assumed they were.
Maybe he/she are, in fact, real idiots, and you should stop making excuses for them or constantly looking for their better face, and the brighter side of things.
Maybe not thinking at all but surrendering to trust instead of sabotaging all your recent efforts by negative thinking and hasty actions, is not "being confused" or procrastinating - it's perhaps the only thing to do to keep you sane and on track.

Maybe you were wrong, and things ARE perfectly aligned to work in your favor in a seemingly imperfect way.

I'll leave it like this today.

Good sense of DRAMA

Why do people create drama?
Believe it or not, it’s not because they need attention to satisfy their vanity. In fact, they need attention for they are hurting and operating from unconscious beliefs about the world. Drama is their way of feeling “safe”, yet staying deeply unhappy.

In Don’t Let Anything Dull Your Sparkle by Doreen Virtue, the author describes childhood situations which may trigger the unconscious need for re-creating dramatic environments.

Oftentimes, it is quite difficult to recognize when we’re actually causing it to happen…

Drama is alluring because it’s familiar and falsely tricks us into “feeling alive”. I haven’t finished the book yet (it happens quite a lot lately - I’ve hardly read a book from cover to cover this past year), but I agree with many of Doreen's observations.

If we had been accustomed to keeping on our toes over the course of childhood and adolescence, it is what we’d unconsciously try to recreate in adulthood in order achieve those familiar, even if yucky, feelings.
Relationships take the biggest toll.

I know men and women who had violent parents, and despite not growing into violent people themselves, they still manage to find partners with several dysfunctional behaviors. They tend to put themselves in dramatic situations of which they are not even aware of. The partnership is that "familiar" that they don't wonder about its workability anymore.

Anyhow, too much drama never works. 

It is a masochistic habit, most likely unconscious, and from my own experience - it is too easy to get caught up in the “story” of one’s struggle and to stay there. Resigned. Not changing seemingly doesn’t take any effort, however, staying in that drama is so energy depleting and deeply unenjoyable that an actual effort to pull oneself out of the story could only yield the opposite results.

Stepping out is energizing, enlivening, and clearly - it brings little or no drama over time.

In 2015, I was observing Him, and the people he surrounded himself with, and I could see how drama was interlaced in everything that was happening in his life. He definitely always stayed on his toes. Enough about him now, or I could throw up tonight’s dinner.

I used to wonder how I attracted someone like him, or any drama queen, into my life. Why?

Having the petty habit of thinking "I am always right" (not perfect, but right), I thought it was only fair to complain about the “drama people" I kept meeting, and the pain they brought into my life.

Not my fault. Theirs. Let's scream and shout about it!

Was that called "aliveness"? Did I ever stop to think that it might have been me - the DRAMA QUEEN?! Only Doreen’s book has stripped the veil off. I had a hard look at myself.

It downed on me that I attracted those people and situations because I unconsciously craved drama. It felt similar to what I've seen during my upbringing. My parents weren’t violent (severely), but let me tell you, there was a big drama at home! I never ceased to keep on my toes.

After consciously analyzing my patterns and the behavior that had led me to troubles, I decided I had enough. My life took 360 degree turn when I surrendered the outdated, never true, need for creating drama.

If we focus on releasing "the need for drama" with awareness and forgiveness, visualizing something more harmonious, we’ll make it happen. After all, all the drama queens have always resented their broken home!
It’s never too late.