Hello, veggie!

Today I decided to take my laptop for a walk and work from a different setting.

I’m sitting in a vegetarian cafe with a super grumpy service… one cup of chai tea with soy milk, am I asking for too much?

Who would have thought that this supposed to be 'loving-kindness' trend of a lifestyle can end up turning people into miserable, grumpy, and in extreme cases - aggressive humans? Aren’t we vegetarians/vegans supposed to live up to the label of gentle, animal-loving, earth-honoring individuals? 

Generalizations don't always work; however, given some research and observation, there is always a seed of truth. 

I know way too many obnoxious vegans (not you, Hedwica), who are steadily driving me crazy with their radical aggressivity, in and outside of the kitchen. This appears to me as no longer about healthy eating habits, but ostensively about loudly opposing optimistic carnivores and their freedom of choice. Just live and let live, people! 

Nevertheless, I am detouring from my assumption that the ‘vegan’ barista just doesn't have his day today, and no matter the fact that I belong to his ‘cool kids club', he clearly doesn't like me :(

Maybe he’s homosexual?

I’m just joking.

But hey, observing him parading around… 

Never mind! 

Not everyone needs to like me. I prefer to attract like-minded people who are vibrating the same high frequency. It makes dealing with all the tribe members easier. Furthermore, I can stay myself.
Please God, don’t let me ever end up looking this bitter...
I’d rather have a piece of cheese every now and then or a plate of Barra once a month, than starting to act as an aggressive veggie.

Tropical commune as a gateway to deeper self-inquiry

This morning felt like a treat. I arrived at my English class nearly half hour earlier to find it still deserted. I sat down with my freshly roasted coffee (an occasional treat in itself) and inhaled in the peace and quiet. I nearly forgot what it felt like not to be talked to, let alone finding myself alone in a room!

My commune living is one of a kind. It seems like a hostel, but it's a couple of level upscale. Including me, there are currently four women living upstairs (normally six), two people living downstairs (normally four), and seven more people sleeping in nearby cottages or caravans, yet using the same kitchen and bathroom facilities. Yesterday I was told that a new couple was coming to stay upstairs and a new girl downstairs.

It's time to move.

While jumping up and down on my carseat over each bump on the red dirt road leading north of Litchfield National Park, and listening to some old-school rock tracks in the company of two lads and my roomie, I felt so much appreciation for my decision to move into the 'Tropical Paradise' community. 

I found new friends.
But at the same time I challenged myself, which led to growth. Old childhood trauma surfaced - feeling as a black sheep of the family, thinking I probably wasn't being accepted, and having my sleep disturbed by some noisy housemates. 

One evening, on my way home from the bus stop, I caught myself brooding over the aversion to coming back to the ever-eventful house and a female housemate in her fifties who just wouldn't shut up. Karen's only entertainment was the house with all its young 'backpackers'. 

I realised that an underlying fear of not being a good fit for that open-minded, open-hearted family was the cause of my funny mood. I had no need to socialize every day and I didn't want to force myself. But what if that could have been accepted? What if my new family knew about my introvercy and accepted it regardless? 

What if I was enough?

That night I told Karen to please give me some privacy. I told her I liked sharing, but I also needed some alone time to just recharge. She got it, and she left me at peace. A couple of days later she said she really appreacited my straightforwardness. Then we got talking and we both admitted to having been running all our lives, feeling trapped or not accepted for who we were.

My confession, therefore, had the opposite effect - she started liking me more, and motherly checking up on me more frequently...

Anyway, all the youngsters mingling in and around the house are such a cool bunch of people!

Yesterday Larisa and her mates organized a trip to Litchfield and generously invited me along. On the road trip I met all of her British friends from a previous hostel and to my surprise, no special skill was needed to fit in - except for jumping off cliffs and singing along rock songs.
Swimming with this bunch of beautiful souls felt like the highlight of my Australian adventure. Before meeting those Brits, I was unconsciously entertaining classic bitter single woman's thoughts: "Men are closed-off, feelingless, uncaring assholes just after sex and binge-drinking." Ok, I'm sorry for this dogma tripping, it happens to the best of us.

Perhaps it's only Karen's constant surveillance that bothers me about the commune living, nothing else. I shall ask myself - why does it do my head in so much? Maybe it's because I think "I'm 30 for fuck sake, I can cook my own dinner." ? 

When will I unblock the stuck energy from the time when my mother pestered me around? That discomfort remains, yet no immediate threat lurks around. 

So, when will the stubborn child in me dare to grow up?!

Sending my love from Darwin

x

Tropical paradise - a new home?

As I'm writing this in the beautiful Charles Darwin Botanic Gardens, I feel orgasmic and pumped by life. I guess that nature does it to (for) me!

I am considering taking up an offer to live in a community. A very cool guy introduced me to this lady living in the bushes in a 'Bali-style' house surrounded by magnificent tropical gardens.

I've noticed about seven people mingling in and around the tree house with a small ground cottage next door.

The number of bathrooms is limited, of course, so is just one kitchen there. But I also noticed an inviting pool, and a damn good vibe... The paradisal settings remind me of "The Beach" with Leonardo DiCaprio; however, I'm hoping it won't turn out as disturbing as in the movie!

I feel scared and aroused at the same time. Cohabiting is just so not me - or rather - it is so outside of my comfort zone.
I am a hermit, I am a private, isolating, poetic, and introverted individual!
People scare me sometimes, and now I should live with them? Let alone share with these strangers?

It sounds outrageous in my mind. Yet, when I consider my other option - the initial decision to start renting a cheap studio right in the middle of the CBD - the dryness of it wrinkles my brow. Suddenly, the tropical community appears much more interesting! The idea of being a part of the 'family' seems quite alluring to me. I guess humans were wired like that!

Still, it's breaking me apart. Why am I doing this to myself?

Perhaps because it's time to reach beyond the ordinary. To get out of my hermit routine..
I'd have my own small bedroom after all, a private little sanctuary if I wanted to keep the door shut.
The room is part of a 3-bed wooden cottage and has the very basics - a bed.

What more should I wish for, really?

There are showers too there somewhere, within a walking distance, I hope 😳
I will have everything I need, really...

Oh, let's just stop the lame reassuring!

I am scared, but this feeling shouldn't get in a way of my doing the things I am curious about.
If I try this communal living, even if for only a couple of weeks, my 'ideal' studio apartment disappears from the market.

But perhaps I won't care.

Perhaps I'll be living the Australian dream 🤔

Kundalini Raising

I adore men (they are such helpful sweethearts - why haven't I always seen that before?)

Ok, I've been very busy since my last post. I flew back to Brisbane on Friday for possibly the most spiritually fulfilling, life enhancing weekend of my life. I'm back in Darwin now and I'm looking for a place to stay.
Ummm... not fun being homeless.

Anyway, I'm still feeling supercharged.
Something shifted.
Many things shifted!
I am in union with my Shakti Goddess and Shiva God.
I made love to Gods on the dance floor.

No actual intercourse happened to cause this ecstatic feeling.
My mind and my whole being felt orgasmic.
I must have had my very first 'public orgasm' while dancing and just breathing. However, everyone was too busy orgasming themselves to notice! lol
I stood there, with everyone else, listening to Patricia's guidance, gently moving to the high-frequency music, breathing, attuning to the collective consciousness of bliss... and I wasn't there.

I felt the tingling, I felt the serpent coiling up from my sex center through my belly, creating fireworks around my heart, exploding sideways into my fingers and then shooting upwards via my head into my crown chakra. 

My kundalini energy was set on fire!

My body was present -  moving and shaking - yet my spirit was flying high, in another realm, making love and feeling blissed....
The best experience of my life? Possibly.
Totally satisfied? Yes.

The genital orgasm as we know it is not enough.

Human beings yearn to climax to release tension, but we can do much more - we can contain the pleasure, feel connected, understood, loved, safe and of course - feel free.
My Tantra experience is complete.
I am no longer a hypocritical teacher without a profoundly authentic experience.
Now I am called to become a Kundalini Dance Facilitator. That is it.
I am starting small. Because small is good.
In the eyes of God, I am small.
I am going to hold a safe space for people to explore what lies beyond their self-imposed limitations.

There will be simply a damn good music and my fine guidance. My guidance is based on Tantric wisdom that has personally helped me heal my own trauma stored in the body and subconsciousness, and the trauma of some of my past clients.

Let's just drop it.

Tantra Dance Darwin - coming soon.

Claim your life back

This video is so empowering, please watch.
It reminds me of the time a client asked me how I got rid of my panic attacks.

My first answer was: I just made a decision - a decision to never have them again.

Panic attacks are tricky, they get you when you least expect it - I still get very mild symptoms occasionally. However, these symptoms are just mere "muscle memory" and they do not interfere with my life or self-esteem anymore. It takes only a couple of minutes to breathe the panic in and out of my system. 

Five years ago I decided to be in control of my body's response to perceived threats. Unfortunately, emotional stresses can impact our bodies in undesirable ways!


I decided that:

I didn't want to keep leaving the classroom all dizzy.

I didn't want to feel the ground opening beneath my feet on a public transport.

I didn't want to eat something I perceived as 'naughty' and then get all sweaty, my heart pumping fast, and feeling afraid of death. (Eating disorders have many faces!)

I was no longer willing to tolerate spoiled nights out with friends, having them nearly undressing me in one instance, while I was unable to catch a breath (Not because they wanted to see me out of the skimpy little black dress!:)

Lastly, I said no to waking up in the middle of the night in sheer terror, gasping for a breath and fumbling in the dark for the window handle.

Those were my dirty little secrets....

When this client opened up to me, in fact, he had the attack 'live' while we had a session together, I remembered how scary and disempowering that condition used to be.

I hope I was able to give him some courage to face these attacks as not his enemy, but his messengers. The body remembers trauma like nothing else.

The only way out is through - accept. Maybe cry. Then forgive. And know that you are ONE decision away from claiming your life back.

xxx


5-4-3-2-1 I'm making a decision to live in JOY now!

The Treasures of Facebook

If you dig, you find. If you dig deep, you find more.

A couple of weeks ago, a new client surprised me by knowing a way more about me than I would have expected from a newcomer. He tracked me all the way to this blog - through my Tantra massage ad. I do not advertise this blog anywhere, but it's possible to find it through a link within a link on a private Facebook page, or on pavlinatribe.com. However, my Tantra ad is not connected to neither of those websites. It could have been a past workshop that I did which he came across or the sole fact that he works in IT. Either way, I was fascinated!

Today, I was contacted by someone I haven’t seen in good 5-6 years - through Facebook, of course. 

I am guessing that it was a 'friend list' of a mutual friend, or perhaps through one of my comments left under a friend of a friend’s photo or something. What’s the wickedest thing about it is that in the shitty little space of Facebook messenger, we were able to exchange real deep thoughts - pretty fast - that wouldn’t have been otherwise possible, hadn’t he read that blog first. When someone has a head start on your life journey and knows the secrets you share with your anonymous readers, but not with your acquaintances, it makes the 'small talk' super-engaging right from the start. There’s no “What have you been doing all those years!?”, instead there is - I have always felt that you were ‘on your guard’ and becoming something that I couldn’t quite grasp… 

And here we go, he was right.

However, was that so bad to jump head on into the unspoken taboos of the sexual underworld and keeping quiet about it?
Not in my case.
It’s the growth from those life lessons that counts. 
In a while a flood of his secrets started spilling out from the messenger app, which I truly enjoyed!

I won’t say much anymore, rather I describe how it feels to know that 'baring it all' has finally begun in its fullest. I feel liberated. I feel confident, I feel loved, I feel alive and I feel understood.

There is no-one who has to condone my life choices, there is no one to seek forgiveness from, there is no one who could be a better judge of my life journey than myself and God. And I am led by him, let me tell you.

It looks like we all should be glad for social platforms like Facebook.

The only way out is through - there's no hiding in this world.
There are people that I have never met, yet we share 20 mutual friends…. I love that. Just between us, I probably won’t accept their ‘friend request’ until I actually get to meet them, regardless, I am so fascinated by the fact that WE ARE ALL CONNECTED.
And what I do onto you, you do onto others.
Although my current work as a therapist is not my sole purpose on this Earth, I do a lotta good with it!

I love when I relate to people and when my insight and expertise visibly and profoundly help to start the healing process. So many of my clients benefited from my consultation - the talk which didn't even come from me, per se, however - what needed to be said was said through me.

The Spirit talked.

Good night

xox