How thoughts make us unhappy

...and why I’m so over it.

You might have heard before that identifying with our thoughts leads to nowhere… but have you noticed - really noticed - the difference it makes once you stop thinking and take the leap of faith?

I am not talking about courage, but about a whole new way of being.

I am just a mortal…with a special connection to the divine which I feel on daily basis. That doesn’t imply that I always feel happy, safe and loved (unfortunately). There’s no guarantee that embracing my Earth Angel status protects me from getting all tangled up in the workings of the mind.
For the mind works overtime.

It is no secret on this blog that I can struggle with feelings of loneliness, disconnectedness and grief. No one should be afraid of acting authentic. I’m not. [Anymore.]

I went to the church this morning and reminisced about my oldest Brisbane friend who introduced me to the Adventists. I also remembered the LGBTI church I used to visit some Sundays in New Farm. Not 100% lesbian myself, I just wanted to be part of something.

After the service today, I came home a little disappointed - I still thought a lot about my unhappiness!
But I had a plan - helping out at the homeless meal thing would sure make me feel more connected.

I decided that I would help out at the ’Soup Kitchen’ - handing out meals to Aborigines. Oh, how much more it resonated with my heart, rather than sitting and bowing the head to the commands of a righteous priest! I enjoyed preparing the dishes and becoming a part of something bigger. 

In the end, I hugged the ‘church people’ and I felt better.

As I walked home, I noticed one of the Aborigine looking at all the clothes that she bagged for herself at the church fare. She picked up a couple of t-shirts and threw it into the bushes. My first thought was: Must be for her friends…
My second thought was: They don’t appreciate what we did at all, do they?

Anyway… that is how it goes over here.

Whatever it was that distracted me for some time during the 'Soup Kitchen', disappeared - and it would disappear regardless of me seeing the Aborigines leaving the ‘party’ and returning back to their lives unconscious….
I, too, went back to my own world - unconscious. The voice in my head started giving me shit for having privileges as a white person (however, I wouldn’t call myself precisely white). I asked God to remove the guilt. He did.

I went jog-walking and noticed my mind forever reminding me of those dreadful feelings of loneliness and not belonging no matter what I do. My mind was saying I was not 'normal' - moreover - that I didn’t want to be part of the norm - why?! 

The voice told me that if I had a normal job, I would at least stop thinking about my unhappiness. So I recalled the days when I worked for someone - and it was true. I would not think about my unhappiness so often. Why did I leave then? Because the life sucked. I would go to work, play a robot, pay the bills, pile up on the pounds, have a glass of wine every night and then some more over the weekend partying until the wee hours. And then quit in a couple of months.

I can’t do it.

I have to embrace working for myself. 

In Darwin, it is a really brave (stupid) move. Nothing at all happens some days. The other days seem like miracles, however, I need to bite my tongue sometimes and I’d rather not do it.

What is the result? I feel unstable, yet slightly more free. I’m losing weight as I have the time to prioritize spiritual nourishment, I look younger and I feel in control of my life even though the money is inconsistent.. But - I can’t relate to my hard working classmates, the locals and I think about my unhappy isolation a lot.

I jumped into the pool (not quite - it is freezing), poured in a glass of wine, and I slowly started to get it….

It is not up to my mind to stop thinking - it is up to me to stop listening to the thoughts that produce negative emotions. I decided that I wouldn’t listen anymore.
This is not about denial (keep reading)

Every time I get a thought out of nowhere - I recognize it is from something larger than me when it makes sense and it feels good. when I allow it to come through the filters of my own mind. I know that that is the path - that is the true me.  

I can hear voices, see things and generally know what will happen most of the time, and sadly, I just don’t believe it. What do I believe in spite of it killing me?

What do we let bring us down?

I did an exercise (not the usual water pull ups and crunches or bicycle.)

I threaded the water, opening the space ahead of me with my hands. I visualized all the obstacles lying in front of me and then waved them off and walked through. It was cool. All I pictured on the surface of the water was basically my mind-crap. All the limiting beliefs and selfish thoughts. I didn’t analyze those, I just moved my hands to get me through it! The more confidence and peace I gained throughout the exercise, the happier I felt. The type of happiness that no-one can take away from you.
Then I stopped in front of the steps leading out of the pool.

Something was waiting for me on the top of the stairs. Something great, all I’ve ever dreamed off. 

All it takes is to trust and go...
I couldn’t do it.

The moment my mind was back at works, I felt powerless and paralyzed.

How to get to the top?
It was clear to me that my mind had no GOOD answers.

I dropped back into my body - Let’s imagine and visualize, I told myself…. what was it?

"You have to work hard at happiness." popped into my mind.
"It is an everyday effort."
"You have to earn it."
"Work hard at it every day…"

Is that so…?I still couldn't move.

I started parting the water with my hands again….
Just clearing the space…
The movement took me away from identifying with the thought…

What if happiness didn’t equal struggle?
I took a step.

What if happiness was just another decision to make and then we keep our word…
I climbed another step…

With my feet still below the water…
Do I have to deserve the right to climb up the ladder?
Am I worthy?

I couldn’t move…How to feel worthy and deserving?

Do I have to be normal first??

I opened my eyes.
I noticed a small tube that was leading into the swimming pool

"Reach out, connect, accept help… feel worthy of it…"

I touched the tube…
That move made me feel stronger to climb another step.

I sensed a feeling of bliss…

There was just one more step to go and I would be out of the swimming pool… on the top… I would finally live the joyful life I knew belonged to me...

I feel other people's suffering...

How could I feel good about my privileges?

"Don't feel guilty or ashamed - there is enough for everybody."

"Just be you."
"Embrace your unigueqness."

"Believe in the best version of yourself…"
"Feel worthy and loved…allow."

And so I did; I climbed out of the swimming pool.

I want to let you know - I wasn’t doing the moving… I was doing the resisting to the moving. I felt like my beliefs literally stopped me from taking a step.

There is a lot of helpful stuff in this post.

Stay with it for a while.