Monday, May 7, 2018

The light and its shadow

Never underestimate your intuition about someone or something. Usually, what we call "first impression" is right. However, check in with your fear-based beliefs first - e.g: Am I being envious, afraid of competition, feeling inadequate? You intuitively know when your impression is about them or it is in fact, about you.

I think I was right about the editor of Byron Bay magazine, Mark O'Brien. I reacted perhaps too aggressively to his #metoo article - I projected some past wounds onto him, but I corrected myself and was willing to see his perspective, and surprise, surprise - I dug deep to find his 'light'.  
We decided on 'cooperation'. I would compose my own response to the #metoo phenomenon that he would edit and I could even feature in the printed 2019 issue.
Mmmm... nope. 
As expressed in my previous posts, Mark has his own 'masculine' take on the issue and the fact that he deleted (from the digital version) a sentence - "What would the Latinos do?" [if we continued desexualizing sex] speaks of itself. 
Most of the private conversations he struck with me were about intercourse or drugs, and some e-mails were writen either while he was drinking, about to drink or feeling down because of having had too much to drink the night before.

He has still not edited my piece and I just found out, he won't be publishing my article because #metoo seems to have subsided.
Now.... What????? I don't care that he won't publish it, but really - further takes on that matter are not relevant anymore?????

So I will somewhat polish it myself and publish it over here.
I have only a small audience, but who knows, maybe those who need to see a few uplifting words or are STILL interested in "sexual abuse as abuse of power" will enjoy reading it.
It is not as much about #metoo as it is about reconciling the unhealthy masculine and feminine polarities within all of us...

What got me thinking:
An e-mail from Kundalini Dance teacher and facilitator, Leyolah Antara.
She writes:

"Beltane [Gaelic May Day festival] also reminds us to celebrate Sacred Inner Union, to collect all of our external projections and integrate our inner dark and light feminine and inner dark and light masculine so we can become whole and relate to our beloveds from that place of wholeness.
Too often we project our unintegrated masculine and feminine aspects outside of ourselves. We magnetically attract partners who represent those polarised aspects of ourselves. In my experience, I have attracted the dark masculine, in my partners, as I have been in denial of my inner dark masculine side.
When we are in denial of an aspect of ourselves it becomes a shadow, and freezes our life force, as our soul wants us to grow she will attract that aspect of ourselves in another giving us an opportunity to grow.
I know in my case, I have attracted both light masculine and dark masculine partners. Yet the call of the initiation of Sacred Inner Union is calling me to integrate my masculine side even more."

True, True, True. I am also still learning to integrate my dark masculine. The strong, protective, controlling, conservative and I dare to say "my way or the highway" side.
I am aware... yet I am not aware.
Then I fall in love with a narcissistic energy vampire and I completely lose myself.
I keep saying that my ex will stay in my heart and that he was a good person.
But no - I saw how he treated his employees...
I saw how he lied...
I saw how he manipulated me (sitting down each time I confronted him, looking up as from a child position and then giving me the story of his abusive dead who has fucked him up. The kind of self-explanatory stance: Here you go, a reason why I'm such a disturbing liar.)

So... thank you, Dr. Christine Northrup from Hayhouse radio for slapping me on the cheek and waking me up to the fact that some people - are not inherently good. They lack the neurons responsible for bonding!

Thank you, Leyolah, for again reminding me of the deeper work that is yet to come (I've enrolled in another of her courses).
I won't meet my soulmate until I accept that I, TOO, am imperfect, broken, suspicious and in the past I, too, would lie to save my face. Maybe I won't meet my soulmate until I forgive myself?

Is that.... all?

Another issue of the feminine and how we treat it these days:
Today I sat in my room contemplating if I would mind hearing my housemate fucking with her new lad who comes around now and then... 
I heard them talking next door, he seemed a dumbass, but I thought that I could stand hearing them doing it. I know myself, I'd just get wet. (I had some frisky neighbors in the past.)
Suddenly, the walls start to shake... and they shake...and shake and - I hear nothing else... I open the door to stand closer to her room (pervy)- I hear nothing but slapping. 
I think to myself - a doggy style...? 
Then violent thrusting breaks the clapping as the bed hits the wall, banging like crazy. Then the dull slapping/clapping again...
Where is your breathing, guys?
Where is some "aaah, ugh, ohh"?
What the hell are you doing??!!!

I feel a little mad at her. She is such a pretty girl, selling herself so cheap.
I was hoping for some sounds, heavy breathing, kissing, moaning...
I'm a little dissapointed.
Maybe the next time! 

Lovemaking would be different... and very feminine and masculine uniting.
How else can we can bring into our lives more of the beautiful feminine? 
Put on the clothes that work for you (I put on a very tight red dress) and turn up the volume of music that uplifts you the moment the first tunes hit the air...
(I'm including my long-forgotten fav below)

Happy integrating of the light and the dark of both the feminine and the masculine energies in all of us!

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