Tuesday, April 18, 2017

What does (in)fidelity in(ex)clude

Better not to read J’s messages again. It all sounds too complicated. I consciously chose not to take in the early red flags. I rather pretended/hoped that those hints were a good sign of his honesty. The “by the way” lines about his past… Now I see that this man could have been a compulsive liar, cheater, and possibly weak-willed regarding stimulants.
(idea for my next research - are some men predestined to lying, cheating and selfishness? JK. It would do my head in)
On the other hand, I have immense compassion for people who had to grow up too fast due to circumstances - like having newborns; or had to deal with certain tragedies and then fell off the wagon.

But then he said “I have couple of kids, their mum lives just around the corner, we are in the process of separation…” 

what he probably meant: just around the corner of my bed.
Would he cheat on her [again], or would he cheat on me (in a possible future)?

Maybe I just want to remind myself, and other naive creatures - let’s not underestimate the red flags again. Ever.
Lies, lies, lies in the past = bullshit, bullshit, bullshit in the present… God, when will my bad Karma regarding men get complete???

Well, who am I to judge…

After he left I felt a slight lostness, tightness on my chest and a strange emptiness. After all, I still liked him. 
I went out jogging after work and I gradually began feeling better. However, not suffering headaches normally, I must have been carrying a heavy brick where my head used to be.

I did my best to breathe and utilize the endorphins, but hey, thoughts of J crept in every so often. Then it was Him, and then there were other men from my past, mostly those who left me for someone else.

While looking over the Brisbane river it occurred to me, that I don’t have the answers to whether relationships should be monogamous or not… Also, is there such thing as monogamy-EX-inclusive ?

Until I can honestly say that I would not sleep with my ex if I saw him again, then perhaps the right guy who’d wish me to commit to exclusivity (not including exes either) should wait with his appearance in my life… but that’s not helpful. I can’t say that I wouldn’t sleep with my ex again because - there is no one better whom I can think of right now. If I fell in love with someone else, I would (hopefully) forget all about having sex with my ex. (P.S: still not wanting that guy back in my life, no way, but sometimes thoughts about him between my legs do creep in :/)

Anyway, hear this story...
I had no appetite, but I thought I should eat something substantial for dinner. I was drawn to this Thai place that I passed by many times in the past. I ordered, sat down and started answering a short survey on my phone. While ticking off those mundane questions, finally shifting my focus off of the recent events - big, fat tears began rolling down my cheeks. So powerful, unstoppable, and gracefully silent… I was glad it was so late in the evening, the restaurant was not too busy and only dimly lit.

I love that when we allow the mind to rest, whether it’s through some easy reading, meditation, massage, sex, or engaged listening to someone’s monologue, we drop down into the body and start to feel. All the emotions come to the surface, so we may experience them physically.

It was very cleansing…and necessary. The headache stopped and I felt more at peace.
I was able to eat and ENJOY the curry…

Then steps in a tall and familiar figure. This excellent timing could happen just to us, experienced manifestors!

I’ve not talked about this guy previously, as I had left the gym prior to starting this blog in September. A good-looking Swiss bloke I lost contact with. He chatted me up once while I tried to maintain my wobbly planks and then we parted with something like “see you later”, and later never came….

Funny. Once he noticed me tonight, he left his table and 3 other pals and spoke with me for several minutes, not forgetting to ask for my number this time.
I'm not sure if I'm still attracted, but any encounter is a holy encounter...

Coffee date next week   ✔.

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