The best thing about J’s and mine connection was the uncensored, uninhibited HONESTY.
I didn’t have to pretend I was someone I wasn’t. I just tried to be my amazing self more often, but I wasn’t always so, so I apologized when my words cut as a sharp knife.
He didn’t have to act amazing all the time either, he didn’t pretend to be a prince charming and he didn’t strive to make me believe that all things were perfectly aligned in his life. He shared authentically about his past, and he knew how to make fun of himself, which helped because I loved making fun of certain aspects of his life. It made the brief romance so pure and easy on our sensitive hearts.
What can I say… it was my fault - I seduced him. Something in me just wanted to consume that man and be consumed by him.
I experienced a sense of familiarity when he came to see me.
J wasn’t just good looking but also very good natured…
Too early, yet legitimately, I rejected him as a potential boyfriend material, then tempted him back in for sex, while on my quest to turn him into a potential lover.
I tend to make my romantic relationships about sex anyway - to stay in my comfort zone. That’s how deep is my fear of getting hurt if I show how much I care or how smitten I am.
Still, he belonged somewhere else.
I can’t feel guilty for being the one who switched on the green light for the sexual escapade to take place. He was in the process of separation, which made it (probably) permissible to escape into the arms of another woman. Regarding myself, I was a single sleeping beauty with a dormant vaginal sex machine.
And J deserved to be touched by a spiritual, loving woman.
The sex was too good to be true. I could get used to that!… The last time a man had me in the bed for 2,5 hours was when I was 20 (Hello, Russel). Then the second one shortly afterwards (Gilbert) enjoyed me sleeping by his side for 8, but the love-making was never as throughout and intense. But I could have just forgotten...
Sex with J was what I had been dreaming of the whole past year. A masculine man with a body to die for affectionately consuming me and loving every bit of me… then the romantic long soul gazing during and after… I must have done something right to manifest those prayers for deeper sexual experience with just as involved human being.
It wasn’t all about sex… (although it felt damn great, and I’ll never forget the naughtiness in the nappy changing room by the beach), we also talked and shared like two long-time old souls. In the short 3 weeks we talked more than I’ve ever had in 5 months of on and off affair with Adam.
Plus there was the yoga, the pilates, the swimming, and the dinners...
I can’t feel sorry for changing my mind, taking the risk, and going all the way with J.
But I slapped myself on the cheek, sobered up and released him from my clutches….fly little bird…into the new beginnings… save your partnership…if you can… keep the family intact.
Here comes a quote from Teal Swan :
“ Stop loving people, start understanding them.”
What else I've learned in this speedy romance:
- I don’t have to give more than what I’m being given. I don’t have to give anything, except love.
- People must learn each other’s love language.
- Sex (physical touch) is not enough. Spending quality time together, be of service to one another, words of affirmation and gifting each other with little thoughtful stuff are also essential.
- Romantic men with poetic hearts could be my next new thing! It looks like I started digging men who can tap into their feminine side that appreciates beauty. That being said -
- My fear of intimacy gets triggered by those poetic male hearts! Big Time!
- Handling my jealousy is still kinda hard … and now I know that it’s challenged by thoughts of not being good enough and viewing other women/children/men as a threat - maybe a past work-related fear that I could be replaced anytime. Then I try my hardest to be a sex siren and it feels like I’m just affirming myself that I am no good for anything else. This vicious cycle is about to stop. I uncovered it, experienced it, and off it goes… bang!
- If we listen…. actively listen…. not plan our response ahead, not judge the words being heard, but if we really listen… we know. I heard “addictive personality” “disorganized” “looking for a unicorn” “in an ideal world” “overspending” ——— those weren’t indications that I was supposed to “save” this man, neither run away from him (because we were so alike), but they were good enough warning signs (alarm bells) that it wasn't advisable to fall in love there. Sex yes, but careful with your extra freebies...
- Commitment to anything is GOOD, noble, mature, it gives one an integrity, depth and expands the heart. Looking outside of an entity we gave life and power to (a relationship, business, a hobby), and which made us grow as human beings in return, is a form of an escape that is bound to backfire. Bang, bang!
- Commitments could be broken, of course, and sometimes they must be. To preserve our integrity, in an ideal world, everyone involved should speak their truth and decide upon the best resolution.
Who would have thought that the long-time escapist could actually create a brand new beginning utilizing the lessons she learned when she began staying, committing, and completing things?
Could I actually help people start doing the same?
I could do some research about this…
How about staying where you don’t belong? I don’t necessarily mean romantic relationships now, but how about work where you are not happy, an outdated calling, or drug habits and places that feed your unhealthy addictions?
I am glad that I untangled myself from my previous career…I am not fully out of the essence of it (I’m embracing any residues of shame and controversy in a meaningful way. Wink.) but I’m doing much more with my life as I have a firm grip of it now! And I never say 'yes' when I want to say 'no'. If that was the only gift I gave to myself - my past experience was worth it!
Could I've saved my previous relationship?