Tuesday, April 18, 2017

I met someone new

Not wanting to be rude, nor ungrateful for his share of enrichment to my human experience….He was just a kid (a playful one and damn handsome).

Two years shorter of 40, yet…living the life of a boy half his age. Bring on all the cakes and let me eat them too! So, let’s call him J (for Joke)

A really, really good-looking man. From a distance you could see the wide, cheeky smile full of bright white teeth, and up close the perfect athletic body. I’ve always admired broad shoulders. A guy with a nice back (ass included) and strong thighs has been my kind of 'beauty ideal'. There was an instant emotional connection too (perhaps due to perfectly matching Western and Chinese star-signs?) However illusional, or real, I felt joyful each time we met or I received a cute text from him.

J was kind and a feast for the eyes… unfortunately, not everything one could feast on is actually worth feasting on (yes, think of those sugary, perfect looking, sponge cream cakes…)
We shouldn’t, right, ladies and gentlemen?

It felt so empowering to kick him out of my door today. 

Ok, I didn’t do it literally… I used loving words...

I was becoming well aware of our chemistry… It has grown ever since I met him 2 weeks ago…We kissed on our second date and I got more hooked… despite him being a father of two children (it used to be a deal-breaker), I liked that extra identity of his.

It paid off to wait [with sex] and ask more questions today 
(Ah, I so wanted for it to happen today! Insert a desperate emoticon here:'( ) 
It occurred to me to ask an innocent question like: "Are you really separated? "

It turned out that no. In fact, he still shared a bed with his partner, because the house was too small… 
And a relevant one:
"So the kids have no idea you guys want to separated?" 
Turned out that him and his 'ex' are actually, seemingly, staying together for the kids…
(Who else... ?)

Then came the most important questions:

"Do you honestly think I will be an accomplice to your extramarital affairs? Do you honestly think I want to be someone’s mistress?"

And out of the door he went.

Shame. I am sure he would have been an excellent fuck.
But probably a worse lover. 
How could someone else’s man love me the way I deserve?

Above all, I deserve to be seen… sure, he had no problems taking me out in the city… fairly anonymous I suppose… but I began to dream about being introduced to his kids (at some point)
Oh my, what was I thinking….? 
Hang on, I know, maybe I just BELIEVED him when he said all that time ago that he was separated???

Luckily, it’s banished before it could have caused any significant harm.

More on my mental recovery later....

Unfortunately, I was too quick to judge him and the situation... I am not the best judge of the matters of the heart and someone else's drama. I felt threatened by his obligations to his family, plus I thought I was setting myself up for a personal disaster. I should have just let that flow and love him the way he was, without constructing an idealized future for us.

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