Ayahuasca medicine, here we go again

I wished for someone to fuck my brains out, and Ayahuasca plant medicine did just that on Saturday.

Fuck... what an intense sensory experience. How did I even deserve that? lol.

A total deconstruction of my own reality and my sense of self. In conversations, we tend to say: ‘I feel lost’ or even describe others as ‘lost’...
Do we really know what that word means??

My trip on A. was an experience of utter lostness. I shattered to pieces. I had no idea who I was, where I was and what was happening to me... The medicine dissected me and blew me into space.

We sat down in the hall just after 6pm following a mini fast (not eating hardly anything substantial the whole day, and nothing after 2pm).

I was ready to face my demons. Somehow, I refused to believe that Ayahuasca fully showed up for me 6 weeks before. My first experience was very gentle, yet the shaman said she had to purge some of my darkness for me. Well, I was not having it.
So this time - no crystals, dream catchers or prayers for a mild trip. I was ready.

Sure enough, in the midsts of my latest experience, I was begging for mercy. I’d love to say that I prayed - but I had lost any convictions of what God was to me or to which deity at all I should direct my prayers to.

Catching my mouth yawning in the dark seemed very ironic; because in my mind I was far from experiencing the luxury of tiredness. My mind raced furiously, bringing me insanity which I was certain would never stop.
I felt certain that I was truly lost.
How could I ever pick up all the pieces that were floating outside of my body? All the bolts and nuts that these spirits (or what) were pulling out of me as if I was a clock at the watchmaker...

My visions started out blurred, all the forest animals who came to kill me looked caricatured/animated. There were crocodiles, hedgehogs, bisons with swords and chainsaws and claws... and then among all the chaos, in the background, was ancient Egypt ... sitting sort of behind the shaman... lines of the ‘all seeing eye’, the majestic sphinx, the pyramid...

I loved it and at the same time I felt so freaked out.

On my left I saw an Australian Aboriginal flag just as I realized that I looked like an old Aboriginal woman, but not possessing any torso, looking at my brown arms and bony frame... shivering...

Then the hot flushes and what was probably my kundalini, making its way up my spine..tingling... I saw myself burning in hell...seeing tiny little animated flames all around me... a little toy of a batman appeared to fall from a castle...

I tried to communicate with the energy, with my nerves being deconstructed and shown in front of me in green colors. Then I hear the shaman telling me: “You’re a healer, you picked up all those foreign energies that you now carry... drop it.” And I did, and some of the fear has dropped too. I no longer resisted the terror, but as soon as the shaman left my side, I got petrified by my hallucinations once again, mumbling “Fuck, fuck..” despite the shaman urging me not to swear during the ceremony.

It was hard... all the shadows that surrounded me wanted a piece of me, one was sucking on my brain, another one on my heart....
I was battling the ghosts and it left me exhausted...shaking... unable to purge - being told by something that I cannot purge. Each time I picked up the bowl - there was a face of a monkey laughing at me. The bowl was clean... even though I swore I threw up into it...

Then my visions changed... a couple of times I sighted out in relief that the substance finally disintegrated... only to get another bout of scary images in my brain and hot and cold tingly sensations... wtf... I thought it would never end.
Each time the music stopped I would get a panic attack that the ceremony must have been over and everyone would start happily joking about and eating away before bed... It couldn’t be. I was still going...
Well... some people were done, but I wasn’t the only one who wasn’t. Upon the lights back on, I still could not walk straight and my head seemed to have been hit by a brick.
Everything I smelled made me sick.

The cleansing tobacco near my face finally made me puke. And puke hard.
I could not eat... I was still shaken and miles away. So was apparently another girl too.

I went into my room and straight under the covers.
I don’t remember what exactly I experienced in the bed - but I was finally willing to admit that some twisted healing must have taken place out in the hall. I thanked the spirit, the energy of the plant, the whole experience... and gratitude overwhelmed me. I was deconstructed, so I could heal and construct myself anew.
Some peaceful visions followed.
Nevertheless, I caught a glimpse of sinister shadows behind the window and I resignedly waited for the spirits to kill me.

Suddenly, the medicine/spirit/DMT left my brain.

My head stopped spinning. I felt clarity returning along with some ease. It struck past midnight.
I looked at my phone again after 1am, realizing that I was still seeing stuff behind my closed eyes.
At 5:30am I heard noises in the house and decided that that was the end to my surreal night and perhaps a good time to break my fast.

.Apparently it’s normal to feel shaken still days after the medicine. I touched the bottom of my fear and despair.
Something happened... what exactly I still don’t know.

I gotta implement my own medicine - everything that I wrote in ‘Transitioning’.
I feel like I know what to do for keeping myself above water and in good spirits...
It’s hard to change all the negative beliefs and unproductive self-hate-talk. But that’s just part of finding our sanity again.






Next: How my celibacy’s going...