The longer it gets, the colder I feel... I’ve already established that active sex life had nothing to do with my attractiveness, respectively if I felt more/less beautiful with/without a man. It had to do with warmth and claiming the rights of the feminine, embodying the powerful receiving Goddess.
That is sexuality for me in theory.
I’ve had one year to embody sexuality from a non-sexual perspective. Now I’m ready!
I’m reading an amazing book called Willpower - Rediscovering the greatest human strength.
No doubt I have proved myself that I can exercise willpower to the extreme!
Sadly, it had side effects. I’ve been experiencing what Baumeister and Tierney call “ego depletion”.
(In Tantric/kundalini terms it translates to having a dysfunctional solar plexus chakra.)
In other words, I turned weak-willed where I should have learned to exude self-discipline.
Why is that so?? Wasn’t practicing self-control over my sexuality enough to strengthen my willpower also everywhere else?
The book finally gave me astounding answers.
I pushed myself to use self-control in too many areas of my life.
“Ego Depletion” happens to people who go on serial dieting, work in a job they don’t like, live with someone they are not in love with, or strive for success where success is clearly not easily within reach - and all that preferably at once.
What happened to me after my last year’s decision to stay sexless for a while?
1. I am always on a diet but since the end of 2017, I am getting fatter and fatter.
2. I keep working hard, yet I lost any remaining interest in my Tantric business (which could be temporary.)
3. Saying that I am experiencing ‘a dry spell’ when it comes to the dating scene or possible romantic liaisons with men is an understatement. No will to be social.
4. I am constantly 'moving,’ seeking 'home’ and adventure, yet the consequent ‘ungroundedness’ has proven extra exhausting.
I anxiously anticipated gaining control over every area of my life, until I pleaded not to have any at all.
I began craving a loss of control and a wild abandon.
Being possibly severely sexually deprived started to negatively reflect in other areas of my life.
There were some benefits to taming my impulses when it came to superficial affairs..ok, my sex drive was quite high at some point... but - who cared??? No one but my head.
In hindsight, I much preferred a higher sex-esteem than losing interest in my life in the past few months.
I began craving a loss of control and a wild abandon.
Being possibly severely sexually deprived started to negatively reflect in other areas of my life.
There were some benefits to taming my impulses when it came to superficial affairs..ok, my sex drive was quite high at some point... but - who cared??? No one but my head.
In hindsight, I much preferred a higher sex-esteem than losing interest in my life in the past few months.
It’s time to look truth right in the eye.
My life before the celibacy might have had flaws. Damn, it had a lot of them.
But my life now, 11 months in, is a frickin’ disaster.
Having sex does not solve all problems (I am sure it does solve some), but not having it seems to be making things even worse.
Good news, I am rediscovering the feelings that I’ve buried in the last 11 months... and I’m giving my sexuality a new meaningless meaning.
No time for punishment, redemption, shame, guilt, regret...
There is a lot of fire in me... I can control it, but I don’t want to.
My life before the celibacy might have had flaws. Damn, it had a lot of them.
But my life now, 11 months in, is a frickin’ disaster.
Having sex does not solve all problems (I am sure it does solve some), but not having it seems to be making things even worse.
Good news, I am rediscovering the feelings that I’ve buried in the last 11 months... and I’m giving my sexuality a new meaningless meaning.
No time for punishment, redemption, shame, guilt, regret...
There is a lot of fire in me... I can control it, but I don’t want to.
I could continue having a sexless life and die miserable, or I could give in to my passions and see what happens.
Men, who’s going to take my virginity?
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