Yesterday I was looking at my own fears of abandonment.
I love walking in the surrounding areas of Prague’s castle. The charming medieval alleyways inspire me.
I remembered my dream: feeding a little kitten (my favorite Czech biscuits - which is irrelevant). I felt so much love for the little creature and certain motherly nurturing tendencies to protect her from danger. Upon waking, the feelings prevailed, so much so that I resorted to thinking that I really needed a pet. Oh, how much would I love a little animal needing me and staying with me always!….
Such idea is at the core of the problem. Every baby grows up one day, regains strengths and grows its own head… then she/he’ll be out and about and won’t pay too much attention to the primary caregiver.
There comes us, humans, with our fears of abandonment (or at worst - possessive issues). We cannot own other human beings the way we own pets - and even then - kittens are very freedom-minded and don’t like to be petted at all times, dogs might be more ‘loyal’, but even then - they are free to go elsewhere, and in any case, any creature can wander off, get lost, or die.
We are doing our best to be the protectors, but if we focus more on our fears of ending up alone, rather than our love for those people and pets, we lose the moment.
The solution for those of us with abandonment issues could be such: Let's focus on our love, not our fears.
"Love as if you have never been hurt"
It’s been one week since my one day/night stand and all seems well with me. I would usually get emotional a couple of days following lovemaking, and due to the energy-exchange I would not feel in my own skin. I could also pick up anxieties from the other person and strangely fantasize about healing them or I'd put them up on a pedestal (more or less).
Thank God, I must have mastered my lessons by know. It appears that there have been neither much emotionality nor much energy exchange that time around. I feel stable - and I would admit if I didn’t. I’ve watched in curiosity all week and all went back to normal. In fact, if anything, it seems that that encounter has given me a certain power. It gave me back something I have lost in the last couple of years. I claimed back my sexual rights of a free woman who knows how to use her weapons. I also feel more present and grounded. Like if I finally ‘arrived’.
If I knew that consensual sex leads to grounding and reclaimed power, I should have grabbed a handsome stranger the very moment I landed back in Europe!
However, we know it doesn’t work like that… Gil and I had a tiny connection after all: the same humor and dance moves to Post Malone.
To keep up with my honesty, when doing chakra healing on myself at bedtime, I got another breakthrough. While still laying my hands on the lower chakras, my throat began to pulse. I knew there would be messages spilling out the moment I moved to the throat chakra. And so I did. One hand on my lower belly, the other hand on my throat. I began choking with tears. I can't speak freely about my adventures. Whether they're 'good' or 'bad', my family and community would judge me. My sister has already called me a whore and I feel like her newly discovered Christianity turned her into a Bible expert, understanding Jesus very well, but not comprehending today's humans.
However, we know it doesn’t work like that… Gil and I had a tiny connection after all: the same humor and dance moves to Post Malone.
To keep up with my honesty, when doing chakra healing on myself at bedtime, I got another breakthrough. While still laying my hands on the lower chakras, my throat began to pulse. I knew there would be messages spilling out the moment I moved to the throat chakra. And so I did. One hand on my lower belly, the other hand on my throat. I began choking with tears. I can't speak freely about my adventures. Whether they're 'good' or 'bad', my family and community would judge me. My sister has already called me a whore and I feel like her newly discovered Christianity turned her into a Bible expert, understanding Jesus very well, but not comprehending today's humans.
So it is. I accept it.
I'll just have to keep writing and having my very best friends close by.
Enjoy the Christmas holidays and festivities if you're celebrating!
xxx
No comments:
Post a Comment
Let me know what you think, what you are getting for yourself out of this post, or what you are not getting...
Note: If you are concerned about my non-native grammar, you can contact me and volunteer to become my editor.