Saturday, November 25, 2017

Getting what through celibacy?

Sleepless nights are often the body's way of telling us that we have been lying to ourselves. Perhaps living in a stubborn denial of the truth? Worries are lies too. The pictures in our heads are not real and not guaranteed to happen.
Regarding myself, the only noticeably annoying thing about not sleeping enough is how much I want to eat the next day. A lot! 

I felt full of energy on Thursday night, thinking about the past and future, drifting back, floating forward, then freaking over my beating heart. The ungraspable anxiety shook my little core a little too much that time. I wasn’t sure whether my panic lasted a few minutes or a few hours. 
The evening prior, I was unpacking and restocking at the store where I work, I cycled back home 7km, tried to resist the midnight hunger pangs and went to bed exhausted but somewhat puzzled as I always do at that early morning hour. Normally, I would have been fast asleep at that time. Last night, I interrupted the familiar biorhythm, minutes turned into hours, I twisted and turned, then around 3am I got up and had a snack, since dinner was ages ago.
I felt comforted. 

Nevertheless, at 5am I was calling my sister on WhatsApp. A surprise for her to hear me at that hour! It was the evening in Prague, she was shopping for some dinner while singing me a lullaby… The next time I looked at my phone, the screen flashed 9am.
I got up, toasted some sourdough, and scooped peanut butter from the jar straight into my mouth.

Our thoughts are like little monkeys. They're running around, smashing things, making fun of each other and consequently driving us mad.
Sometimes, it’s so hard to distinguish which monkey is the leader and which one causes the most mess.

In my case, is it the monkey who is worried about making the wrong financial move next week? 
Is it the monkey who keeps laughing at my naivety regarding the men in my life, at my co-dependence regarding toxic relationships and friendships?
Or is it the monkey who keeps nagging and entertaining me with the idea of celibacy?  

A confession: This year I have slept with 5 men. In hindsight, it is the lowest annual number since I started being sexually active, but - the but is what counts - the highest since I quit my previous, self-abusive, life. Let me explain. The two significant sexual changes I made in my life turned everything I knew about me upside down - when I went from promiscuous to somewhat professional, and from professional to 'ordinary' lost girl looking for a relationship (perhaps somewhere around the clumsy attempt with my ex). But I'm still clumsy!

My ex triggered the craving for a meaningful sex, but I didn't know how to go about it. Should I search for it, push it, or does it develop on its own?

Today, I ask myself: Have I ever made a commitment to myself? 

Did I stop sleeping around because I wanted to focus on getting more out of life, or because I felt through with men and full of resentment?
Did I start working and being of service to others because I cared about them, or because I wanted to escape my own longing for love and healing?

Sadly, it’s always been the latter.
I slept with those five handsome men because I felt lonely, possibly not good enough and I needed to prove myself that I could seduce whomever I wanted.
I also slept with those random men this year because I could. Because I know that I am attractive, able to snap my fingers and they’ll come running to my bed. 

I don't want to do that anymore.
The most recent time I’ve done such thing, about two weeks ago, I crossed the line.
I decided that it was about time to have sex with my fairly new Darwin friend before he leaves for good. Yes, he happens to be beautiful - physically and spiritually. Not only he faintly resembles Thor, the God of Thunder, but he also always means well.
However, since we slept together, I have not been feeling good. Good about myself, the twisted decision, and neither do I feel particularly good about him as a person.
(Just another sexy man taking advantage of a no-strings-attached shag. 
Well, I 'offered' and we both must have seen that coming.) 

Assessing the events of the last two, three months, taking up a lover who had a drinking problem and strings attached to his latest ex, then disposing of him because of my fears of rejection, only to be drowning in total anxiety soon after, contemplating leaving Darwin, then actually trying a different guy in bed, just in case he would leave Darwin earlier than I would. Which he did.

These unplanned, mildly egoistic and not very thoughtful affairs could get out of control.
Now, I am where I started one year ago. Alone and not looking.
I'm just looking forward to Ralf visiting Brisbane soon. Hahah!

I need to commit to myself before I see him again. My secret lolita persona could make a big fat mistake. I suspect it is just my monkey mind playing tricks on me though. I have no desire to take our year-long, long-distance fascination any further. Plus, 
I know, I know, he’s married, and all that.

There is something interesting about the articles about celibacy that my sister sent me… To be honest, I’d been contemplating this before we began discussing it.

I’ve had a lot of sex in my life and many bouts of depression. Could that be related?

I’m only just starting to come back to myself after the latest escapade with my friend. I don’t have to be giving my power away, hoping for a connection, yet losing the track of where I want to be heading. I must hard-work my way to better self-esteem, positive attitude, and expect new results in my life if only I focus on strengthening my boundaries.
Making love exclusively to myself and God for as long as it takes sounds actually quite great.
Can I commit to myself for a whole year, having no distractions, and thus, eventually, get what I want?

Sex has never been it. I could list exactly what followed with these five men in details - Nothing. It was going nowhere.

The orgasms I got, were just orgasms. I can give them to myself, and guess what, much better!

If you want something you've never had, you must be willing to do something you’ve never done…
Food for thought.


  1. I embrace celibacy as it embraces me. Its my true passion

    1. Thank you for also disclosing on google plus that it gets easier. Perhaps you can hold me accountable? I would like to go ahead, but not set a definite time. I am ready for an intimate relationship with the right man. I am hoping that if I keep myself away from superficial affairs, it could help me recognize when the right one swings by.

  2. You are a excellent writer

  3. Check out book A History Of Celibacy by Elizabeth Abbott
    Its a very good book


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