I felt comforted.
Nevertheless, at 5am I was calling my sister on WhatsApp. A surprise for her to hear me at that hour! It was the evening in Prague, she was shopping for some dinner while singing me a lullaby… The next time I looked at my phone, the screen flashed 9am.
Our thoughts are like little monkeys. They're running around, smashing things, making fun of each other and consequently driving us mad.
Sometimes, it’s so hard to distinguish which monkey is the leader and which one causes the most mess.
In my case, is it the monkey who is worried about making the wrong financial move next week? Is it the monkey who keeps laughing at my naivety regarding the men in my life, at my co-dependence regarding toxic relationships and friendships?
A confession: This year I have slept with 5 men. In hindsight, it is the lowest annual number since I started being sexually active, but - the but is what counts - the highest since I quit my previous, self-abusive, life. Let me explain. The two significant sexual changes I made in my life turned everything I knew about me upside down - when I went from promiscuous to somewhat professional, and from professional to 'ordinary' lost girl looking for a relationship (perhaps somewhere around the clumsy attempt with my ex). But I'm still clumsy!
My ex triggered the craving for a meaningful sex, but I didn't know how to go about it. Should I search for it, push it, or does it develop on its own?
Today, I ask myself: Have I ever made a commitment to myself?
Did I stop sleeping around because I wanted to focus on getting more out of life, or because I felt through with men and full of resentment?
Did I start working and being of service to others because I cared about them, or because I wanted to escape my own longing for love and healing?
I slept with those five handsome men because I felt lonely, possibly not good enough and I needed to prove myself that I could seduce whomever I wanted.
I also slept with those random men this year because I could. Because I know that I am attractive, able to snap my fingers and they’ll come running to my bed.
However, since we slept together, I have not been feeling good. Good about myself, the twisted decision, and neither do I feel particularly good about him as a person.
(Just another sexy man taking advantage of a no-strings-attached shag. Well, I 'offered' and we both must have seen that coming.)
Assessing the events of the last two, three months, taking up a lover who had a drinking problem and strings attached to his latest ex, then disposing of him because of my fears of rejection, only to be drowning in total anxiety soon after, contemplating leaving Darwin, then actually trying a different guy in bed, just in case he would leave Darwin earlier than I would. Which he did.
These unplanned, mildly egoistic and not very thoughtful affairs could get out of control.
Now, I am where I started one year ago. Alone and not looking.
I need to commit to myself before I see him again. My secret lolita persona could make a big fat mistake. I suspect it is just my monkey mind playing tricks on me though. I have no desire to take our year-long, long-distance fascination any further. Plus, I know, I know, he’s married, and all that.
There is something interesting about the articles about celibacy that my sister sent me… To be honest, I’d been contemplating this before we began discussing it.
I’ve had a lot of sex in my life and many bouts of depression. Could that be related?
I’m only just starting to come back to myself after the latest escapade with my friend. I don’t have to be giving my power away, hoping for a connection, yet losing the track of where I want to be heading. I must hard-work my way to better self-esteem, positive attitude, and expect new results in my life if only I focus on strengthening my boundaries.
Sex has never been it. I could list exactly what followed with these five men in details - Nothing. It was going nowhere.
The orgasms I got, were just orgasms. I can give them to myself, and guess what, much better!
Food for thought.