Thursday, June 28, 2018

My year without sex

My year without sex is going too well. There’s just no one around to even consider. The deed has become sacred.

What that means is that I cannot imagine losing my virginity to a married man, emotionally unavailable man, superficial, materialistic man, aloof backpacker, a guy who treats sex and sexuality as a way to relieve himself - of stress, low self-esteem, bad mood or keeps a score.
So…no, nothing.

I self-pleasure only about 2-3 x per week and it is something else… I have never been able to take myself to such ecstatic heights before with such a minimal touch. It will be hard to find a partner who can lead me there. However, I am patient. I am also willing to teach him (for free) how to experience sexuality in the Tantric way. 
I might have found a potential suspect already, or in fact, he has found me - 3 years ago in Europe. I have no illusions at the moment. At times, he seems to be after that one thing only, and I find the virtual directness a bit too eager for me and thus, off-putting. 

I just want to be loved by someone who'll enjoy getting to know my heart and my mind first.
Who'll want me for my soul.
My complex emotions.
My authenticity.
I might as well keep waiting for longer.
So be it.

This guy doesn’t know about my spiritual choice. Which brings me to a sad realization that most of my past admirers were into me only for my sexuality. While that as an addition to my privately shy personality can’t be a bad thing, it puts me in a vulnerable position. I have a constant dilemma about it. 

I do Tantric workshops for sex workers, and I love it. Sometimes I wish I would be able to do what they do - their work, but I can’t !!
I feel quite confused about it sometimes!
I like that sexual vibe about me (which is apparently seen in my eyes, so I was told), however, I am sick and tired of being viewed as a sexual object.
I feel that I am unable to have superficial, purely genital sex [anymore].
And I am afraid of my chakras getting blocked if I sleep
 with unconscious men again.
I am not sure where the journey goes from here…

I am in Brisbane. I left Darwin officially last night. I’ll wait here till I have more information about my new adventure in Adelaide.

I nearly saw J. yesterday… I know I stopped talking about him one year ago, and I am not intending to start. He could have been the most memorable Aussie I sleep with, but today I only marvel at the fact that God has creatively directed me to miss my original flight yesterday, therefore, it spoiled my chances to hang out with J. (I was put on the next flight the day after free of charge - only in Darwin!)

As off today, J. is busy. Have I missed out on the temptation to break my promise of celibacy? Perhaps. However, I wouldn’t break it. I haven’t been truly “tempted” since the end of last year and it is all getting easier and easier.

We could have had nice yoga, pilates, and dinner, but I wouldn’t have let anything else happen. After all, he is one of those men from the aforementioned categories.

Until next time…! x

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