Tuesday, June 19, 2018

Before I take the leap

I decided to simplify my life.

I am starting an employment as a Beauty Adviser in Adelaide and hopefully as a volunteer in a local organization (one of my applications must work out!) From then on, I will perform only simple healing massages on the side, and I'll put sex coaching and study of counseling on hold. I have provided enough of personalized feel-good services in my life and I feel like I could use one now.

I came back to Darwin yesterday to attend a couple more Community Services classes.
I can’t stand Darwin anymore.
It’s the worst place I’ve ever lived in.
I wish that 10 months ago I could have just said “Yeah, a beautiful place... to visit. Let’s not live here, please.”

But I didn’t.

However, realizing during my third or fourth trip to Adelaide, that that was the place I could most relate to, wouldn’t have happened had I started with this city right away 2 years prior. 2 years ago I was still healing, I was walking around blind...
Mindlessly moving further and further up north, despite Australians themselves warning me that the northern you go, the rougher the people get, well, I hit the wall.

I now appreciate the soft, gentle Adelaide with its low-key chic lifestyle, European climate and great wine for what it is. A place I feel at home. And I loooove the local shiraz(es)!!!!

I was enjoying the crisp fresh air and wearing warm clothes (and normal boots) this time around.

For those who know me - sure, I might always go there where I see the grass greener. Perhaps I do tend to get bored more easily than the average man and yes, I might still be searching for a place where I belong 'better'. At the age of nearly 31, I still feel like I have no roots.

But hey, if travelling makes me happy...

I met a beautiful soul last week, too. In fact, I met several since January. However, this guy was something quite special.
Spoiler alert, we are not starting together as boyfriend and girlfriend - unfortunately, or fortunately, but in less than a week I grew to like him and I learned a lot - about myself - from him!

M. is younger but wise beyond his years. His eyes are hazel/yellow in a dim artificial light, green under the sun, brown in dawn and blue in a blazing bathroom light. I’ve never seen anything like that before!

We had an intensely intimate moment one evening, without sex, but the intimacy scared me to the point that - without any further inquiry - the next day I reasoned it was best to send M. a goodbye message and let that be..
I wasn’t ready to deal with his possibly emotional response so I blocked his number right away... In reality, I wasn’t ready to deal with my own emerging feelings.

Honestly, who am I and when will I learn?

I unblocked him on my last day in Adelaide and sent him a text asking for a friendship only. I admitted that I had missed him and hoped he could forgive me for what I do - push people away in order to refocus on my mission.

M. is something special though, that’s what I had gotten a glimpse of before letting him get close to me, and what I've learned for sure during our hour long phone call on my last night.
He could see right through me.

I appreaciate this new friendship very much.
M. won’t be in Adelaide when I return, but who cares.... true love lives in the heart.
I'm glad that I am alive and not frigid after 7 months of celibacy.
Yes, I can keep going.

I am not looking for a male company so I can have someone to jump into bed with.
I might be keen to date again. Just as I am sooooooooo keen to move out of Darwin - I can't wait!

Every now and then that feeling of readiness is laced with a little of self-doubt or feeling like I will never find my next soulmate and if, it wouldn't work out for us. Deep down I somewhat know that it can happen. At the same time, I am looking for plan Bs for when it won't happen.

I began to look at dating more seriously, yet not forgetting that I should have fun and take it slowly.
I had two Tinder dates, remembering very well what I used to say to my friends: To shoot me if they'd ever see me on Tinder. 
Well, I deleted my profile on day 3. My first date was trying to fix my life before he even knew anything about it, and he was using wordings like: "If you end up with me..."

On day 7, I restored my account and gave a chance to someone I had chatted with before...
When we met, he was possibly 10 years older than his Tinder pics... but at least I got to see his puppies (as in real little dogs!). The communication wasn't as bad as with the previous man, but I learned why that guy definitely belonged to the app. Sad.
On day 8th, I deleted it for good.

At the end, meeting M. was as organic as it can get, and that's how I prefer it.

I'm waiting happily and I'm eagerly anticipating the moment when my body&mind and spirit align, knowing that we found the right soul to merge with.

For the moment, I keep opening up and observing my judgments and fears.

I am not hanged up on my ex anymore. I suppose that the cathartic moment happend one evening in Darwin 2 months ago when Rowena said that he was taking his current relationship to the next level. After I digested it, it made me relieved. I had no excuses to hold on to any past memories with him. It was time for me to create something new for myself, too.

Then he called me sometime later and talked rather badly about his relationship... I couldn't even believe it.

"Hey, you don't need to put her down if you think that sounding happy would hurt me. I am glad for you..."

Anyway, I began to realize that 2 years of mourning and isolating myself was enough.

June 18, it's been exactly 2 years since my arrival, my last Prague - Sydney flight and since my stupid messages from the airport which were meant to surprise him and make him chase me once again.

Did I honestly think he'd come rushing down from his farm to Sydney to sweep me off of my feet after 4 months of virtual arguing, trying to get over the lies and betrayals on both parts?
I had very unrealistic ideas.

Some call it romantic, I call it silly (at best)...

Chapter closed.


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