Sunday, April 8, 2018

What is it like having fun as a celibate?

I'm still not sure how best to word what I'm feeling regarding my last year's decision: Not to date. Not-dating makes things much more simple!
Going celibate mid of November was the best spiritual decision I could fashion for my wellbeing. I admit that I've made a couple of not so wise choices shortly afterward or got too close to breaking that promise to myself - but hey, no one said that winning over a form of addition would be easy! 
I was addicted to distracting myself from doing my own deep inner work by jumping into superficial affairs. I focused too much on others, especially men.
When the withdrawal symptoms ceased (February), I finally began to enjoy finding my own voice. Welcome, A Balanced Life!

I've made similar choices in the past already: I would stop socializing in order to avoid potential idiots breaking my heart, I would punish myself with a 3-4 month celibacy to prove to my ex that I could do it and was better than him (I hated it), and I would abstain from sex here and there when literally afraid of or disgusted by 'all men'. It never lasted long enough because the motivation never dealt with the real reason for my need to recoup. It wasn't men!

The past decisions seemed insincere; and therefore, wobbly. Perhaps the conscious focus on abstinence and - suffering - was just another excuse to stagnate in creating the life I always wanted. I didn't abstain for myself, but for someone else or out of a fear.
This is not the case this time.
I adore and love men. I know my life would be incomplete if I didn't have someone to share it with (it could be a woman actually, who knows).
This year, however, the focus is on restoring my body&mind connection, self-esteem and personal will, and finally creating the kind of career I would love. I am still not clear on the details regarding the latter, but I am in ACTION. Of course - I wait for a divine guidance too, but meanwhile, I'm also remembering to live.

Last night after work, I had a spontaneous drink with someone relentless but quite charming. I know that "receiving" comes into life in many forms so I accepted the offer for a free drink (or two). I  planned to ride off home shortly afterward. 
A good reason to leave turned up just in time for my bedtime. The guy looked so shocked upon hearing me say that the next drink he may get me, as he was so keen, would be just some water. He thought I was taking the piss. 
"Because I don't want to wake up with a hangover. Do you like hangovers??" 
"No I hate it. So what do you want?"
"You are zero fun"
I thought: What am I still doing here...?
"See ya!"

The best part is that the lad didn't even manage to get my phone number before I run off. Excellent night. My evening shift was fun, the drinks and karaoke later were fun... 
Celibacy, not dating, but still having a bit of social life is working like a charm for my freedom-minded personality!

When November 2018 rolls around, I will probably be still single.
Will I go maniacal
Of course not, it's been a few days short of 5 months already and I'm not deprived nor starved; the opposite. I want more of this!
It only just started to be interesting.

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