Pussy diaries

I have to talk to my womb tonight and ask her what’s going on...

I had a lunatic night on Sunday. 
Moving units the very next morning and taking a secret trip out of Darwin at 6am, I had no choice but to stay awake all night.

I am the worst mover, packer and sleeper when it comes to organization and early flights so I thought why not kill two, three birds with one stone and just do it all in 24 hours, while also procrastinating, hopping out to see a movie, joining in for a celebratory drink and an illegal late night pool swim, and then catching up with a friend at mine to talk about nothing until 1am.

The friend was Little Birdie... my first fling in Darwin and the very first little disappointment.
We got on well in the last couple of months, texting and joking here and there.
He’s doing fine getting over his ex, until he isn’t. In my experience, there is no deadline when it comes to getting over someone you loved but can’t be with.

Little Birdie admitted to a new love affair and a frustration: “I seem to be able to get only girls who are either taken or.. “ pointing his chin at me...
“Go on, be honest, what was it?
“Well, you weren’t quite into me.”

My jaw dropped.
A total misunderstanding.

I was never not into him. We just had the worst communication ever and I ended up pushing him away, that’s what I do.

Anyway, nothing happened between us. He didn’t changed much and I didn’t want him in me - even though I could.

Not sure why or how that happened but while telling a story I mentioned that I hadn’t have my period in ages, yep 60 days, and that after the test showed negative I felt a little remorse because I longed to be a mum some day. (But of course, I always use a protection)

We laughed. He said that although he loved his ex,
if she became pregnant, he would have to run. Apparently, having a kid would ruin his life. (Not too funny)
I keep observing  his life in ruins ever since I’ve known him.

Luckily, he wasn’t the last one in my bed... The last one was a coward too, so I’ve stopped dating men altogether. Little Birdie couldn’t have known about that one night stand with Thor.

I told him not to worry, “even if I was, I probably wouldn’t tell the guy....”
Not thinking ahead, I unleashed a terror in the witness of my stupid comment.

Little Birdie went back into his and straight into a psychosis.
It was insane.
I knew he suffered anxiety attacks in the past but in my defence, I thought I explained myself well.
He dropped into a total horror, throwing up, crying and begging me to tell him the truth - was I really not pregnant?? And if I were, would I please not have it?

WTF?
I did not know how to react...
I tried reasoning, consoling him with all the wrong things, I even resorted to telling him about someone who else I slept with, it didn’t help.
I kept repeating I wasn’t pregnant and he kept hauling “if you were, tell me you wouldn’t have it, tell me! otherwise I’d kill myself!”

That shit was too unreal at 3am in the morning...
I guess that if I wasn’t absorbed in someone else’s tragedy, I’d have nothing else to do.
(Cleaning and packing perhaps??)

The next couple of days have passed in a weird haze.
I felt low, disgusted by his pussiness, and sure that there was an injustice committed on me. I’ve been aware that my lifestyle  couldn’t create a ‘fertile’ environment in the last few months. It is more likely that I have a polycystic ovary syndrome than anything (and I’d take that over becoming a single mum.)

I couldn’t sleep on Tuesday, remembering that Sunday night, I read his texts again and saw that he was probably not messing with me..
Maybe he wasn’t a psycho? a Joker accusing Batman that he had 4 legs and wondering how it might affect him [the Joker] when in fact, Batman was a mere snake and the Joker was just dreaming... ?

My neck hurt, and that was my sign that I must have been ‘off’ somewhere - I wasn’t seeing all sides of the issue.

I googled about caffeine and anxiety (alcohol is a sure thing) and a link led to a link and another link and there I was reading this:
http://www.byrdie.com.au/how-to-help-someone-with-anxiety

I understood that I didn’t handle the situation like a pro at all! The more I talked, the more I pushed him to the edge. I used to have different panic attacks-private ones. He has shown me a madness, an inability to see things rationally when the panic stroked but I was trapped in my own world and had no compassion.

I thought I’d apologize for having messed up. Interestingly, my neck stopped to hurt immediately

Lessons taken:
Always have some compassion and understanding for those who are panicking seemingly for no real reason. Say nothing, just agree and be there for them.

To all the women out there -
Don’t be with a guy who didn’t sort his shit out, doesn’t like himself, and wouldn’t want to take responsibility if you had a baby together.

Don’t run back into the past (harder in the head but - a good news - easily mastered in reality)

Don’t sleep with idiots (seems to be working for me)
Final words, If you have a pussy and identify yourself as a heterosexual woman who wants to keep her beautiful feminine shining, don’t sleep with another pussy. Full stop.

We need a man!

April 8th: Got my period after 70 days. All back to normal. Hormones...