Monday, January 8, 2018

Centering, letting go of excess weight and bad habits

- Day 7 of my sober adventure
- Day 6 of withdrawing from a peanut butter addiction
- About 2 months since the last loveless love-making

I am going to cleanse all January at least.
(However, I'm pretty sure I had a beer around 1am on New Year. No regrets - what a nice boogie to welcome the new year with my friends!)

About the addictions:
When in the supermarket and my gaze falls on the shelves of spreads, my eyes instantly blur and my head spins as I think: Oh, I can’t have you... you bad, bad boys….
I am still weak. If I bought a jar and meant to ration the load into small doses every day, or ideally, every few days, I would undoubtedly fail. A spoon after spoon until the creamy thing disappears. That’s how bad used to be my peanut butter addiction :( .
Back then I convinced myself that heaps of peanut butter were good for me (healthy vitamin E, filling fat, and vegan protein) thus,
I turned a blind eye to how much my belly suffered until it popped out like a pregnant bump - an undeniable cause of inflammation! Because the mind is directly connected to the gut health, I clearly wasn’t happy.

This year, I'd like to exercise self-control along with delaying immediate gratification. I already feel quite empowered!

While living in Darwin, I also found myself drinking way too often. It makes me feel sick recalling the amounts of alcohol passing through my body. Nearly every evening I had a glass of wine or two or sometimes close enough to a bottle. all alone. at home. 'a treat' after work.

Frankly, I felt like having a glass of wine this week, too. I love the rich taste of red grapes, the sweetness of plums and berries and chocolatey aroma… but I don't act on the false premise. I have my whole life to drink wine - once I am strong enough to stick with the right amount and use it to celebrate - not to feel creative, drown in frustrations or tranquilize myself. These days it is important to focus but I can’t do that if I am at the mercy of a substance.

Since I started detoxing in Adelaide, I realized that this is the life I’ve always wanted to live - eating clean food, feeling free in body, mind and spirit, staying sober and clear, and consciously deciding not to give in to things promising a quick-fix. I'm looking for long-term solutions for my wellbeing. Yes, I still get sulky and fearful but I know that wine, peanuts or sex wouldn’t fix it.

It intrigues me how certain habits and substances keep us trapped in negativity. Why do we give so much power to something that is outside of ourselves? Maybe we feel small and helpless to cope with life's ordeals without the help of stimulants, tranquilizers, retail therapies or casual sex... 
(Please, please, tell me this is not just about me.)

I take any present negative emotions as part of the withdrawal process/program. Something important is happening right now as new ideas are taking place of the old delusional ones (which were created by alcohol tricking my mind and toxic byproducts of too much food that I didn't need and I couldn't digest).

Relaxing is best done by remembering to breathe and making the time for sitting in a quiet contemplation. Taking control over my food habits and being stronger than the desire to drink naturally go hand in hand with exercising self-control over superficial affairs. I am not at all compelled to look for a man to fill a void, comfort me, entertain me or save me. I'm feeling better about myself each day. Additionaly, I know I won’t die alone and my single days are numbered. The right guy is going to find me when I'm living my life with purpose and clarity.
(He will, of course, have to accept my gypsy soul - a little crazy, unstable, and at home on the road. In turn, I promise to never complain that work comes first. If there was anything I learned from my previous relationships, that was it.)

I have a problem, I’m not sure if I want to come back to Darwin. I am tied to it because of visa regulations and commitments to my studies. This dilemma sucks. It makes my heart sink. I’ve felt trapped the last couple of months, but I have to keep my eyes on the horizon and plan the future. I love Australia, It feels like home, my ‘cup of tea”, my blood type, my dreamland (my native country never felt like that). I  feel like I belong and I shall not screw my stay in here.

Nevertheless, Darwin’s lifestyle exhausts me. The heat, the people, the school, and the long hours at work doing the same monotonous tasks. Fascinatingly, I found myself over-exercising in the last 2-3 months and also over-eating. At the moment I am unable to do either. 

Although the most exercise I do in Adelaide is walking up and down the stairs in this airbnb house in Unley, I am relaxed and still shedding weight. I miss feeling fit though. Ralf suggested planks - I'll give it a shot! To borrow his own description of himself - there’s definitely a fat girl living in this body who wants to eat everything at all times, watch netflix all day, not move, then sleep and become skinny in the process.
Self-discipline is key! Let's pray for it.


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