What will I write?
Yes, you heard me... "will", not "did".
Ok, I've written so much ever since the August workshop in Sydney but it seems as if no text quite conveys my truth. What exactly is my truth? What is my message? I've been asking myself this for the past few weeks.
I think I've got to send something. I'd rather regret doing it than not doing it - as with everything!
Last week was full-on. I flew from Darwin to Brisbane to meet up with those who matter. I saw my friends, my past clients and the object of my infatuation since one year ago, Ralf. It was his treat to fly me over for another of his brief annual visits.
First, I met up with a male friend (an ex-friend, wait for it) who travels back and forth between Sydney and Brisbane. He coincidentally contacted me just two days prior my trip and asked to restore our friendship. He was a business coach and I was a Tantric coach. Our regular sessions benefited both for many months while I lived in Brisbane, but due to his slightly overstepping the "code of conduct" during our last meeting in June, I had to ditch him.
Don't most men hope to become a lover one day, someday, or just for a day?
It took a day to figure his motives. I am not interested in more than business. But this Sydney based coach and I can't work together anymore, and neither can our past collaboration ever turn into a real friendship.
Then I saw Ralf. A super-kind, talented, intelligent, elegant and sexy being. Last year, his presence, the way he treated me and all the long-distance follow-up messaging led me away from the post-breakup self-loathing towards a holistic recovery.
My ex just seemed so small in comparison with Ralf.
Him - that guy - my ex - (God bless him) he mirrored my own smallness, my living without integrity, my fearing of authentic self-expression, not appreciating life's gifts, my lying and sabotaging my success with toxic deeds. For too long, I obsessed about him and what he did. My unconscious self-destructive reasons did a great job distracting me from changing what I didn't like about myself.
Distractions disappeared, and I journeyed to a private hell and back to emerge more whole than ever before.
I can't underestimate the fatal meeting with Ralf one year ago, for it had triggered a new desire - to work hard on myself and thus attract better-suited men into my life.
Still nerdily sexy, Ralf entertained me with his mindful actions and provoking opinions. I love when a man hosts and takes care of everything. R. is that man, plus a true gentleman with a kinky side.
I learned a little bit more about R's character this time. Unsurprisingly, I might have not paid enough attention last year.
I observed that although an Earth Angel, Ralf (too) fails to recognize his true nature and appreciate himself for his talents in this lifetime. He might acknowledge that he is the "Agent of change" for many people, the person capable of lifting others up to their potential, but he cannot see burning out in the process of giving. When there's no energy left for own upliftment, how else to recharge an introvert who's paid to be an extrovert, other than with booze?
I learned that, seemingly confident, R. shies away from unconditional self-love and self-nurturing practices; advocating loving kindness, but not implementing it on his own being. I, too, needed to learn that I was a good person, and worthy of putting myself first. We are not helping anyone if we're not happy.
And yes, even angels and catalysts of change have issues.
I get humbled by R.'s humility and concerned by his self-sabotage. Did I pass on the nasty self-doubting bug during our last year's hug? Did I infect him with melancholy through the friendly kiss in 2016?
I did my best to pass on some love and light this time, during our... ehm... discussions... about celibacy....[naked].
My favorite breakfast dish got a whole new meaning ever since having eaten it while Ralf - [deleted for moderation] - . I won't look at porridge the same way for a long, long time. True, my brekki felt quite sexy this morning, I wonder why.
And I still keep celibate.
Anyway, below are some of my favorite posts where I acknowledged this human being for playing my angel last year, for inspiring me, helping me workwise, and awakening my desire for intellectual stimulation.
Until next year...!