The ways we are able to decide upon our behavior at any given moment are endless, and endlessly fascinating.
My life has been about exploring my expressions in friendships, parental relationship, sexuality, romantic relationships and career choices. Obviously, these expressions have kept changing.
Yesterday I agreed to have a dinner up the tree house. I moved out of the commune, but I stop by to say hello nearly every day.
Feeling so free and myself, whenever I am around my new Darwin family, makes me reevaluate the self-imposed limited image of who I thought I was.
I came to distinguish between 'living alone and thinking that's me - introverted but alive' and 'putting myself out there, sharing, caring, and accepting love from people who want to be more than strangers'.
It is no longer uncomfortable. I know what setting I prefer now and what makes me come truly alive!
Likewise, it amazes me that rather than jealousy or envy, I feel gratitude for someone else sharing the same work, beliefs, and love for the same thing with the world, instead of my doing it.
I am happy that EJ Love (the Love Priestess) will speak at the Awakened Woman Convergence 2017 in Arizona about healing sexual trauma, loving men again, and awakening one's sexuality. Many people will benefit. I love spreading the word myself, but I don't have to do all this work alone. Apparently, not in the same way as this Tantra practitioner. I support all awakened women in sharing what we believe with the rest of the world. I decided to be grateful for being part of this revolution and rejoice in the celebrations!
This was not it: Today I was observing a substance-abusing woman with high heels and tight-fitting clothes on. She could have been anyone, but I doubt she valued herself. I doubt that any man who comes to her for "consolation" ever cares about who she really is. At the same time, I also doubt that the men who are desperate enough to come to any woman for that ONE thing, value themselves.
People would do a lot to feel alive again and rediscover life's sweetness they think they lost.
Cheating is another unhealthy call for something more exhilarating. It is an easy way out, so we don't have to look within and DO something uneasy about the current relationship. We could turn it into awesome, or we would have to change - thus stop hurting ourselves and others.
There are other ways in which we may come alive:
Nature, hugging trees, helping disadvantaged people, dancing... and yes, healthy, spontaneous, loving sex.
We can sleep with anyone (you know what I mean), but not everyone will give us the alignment of body-mind-spirit that we deep down truly crave.
Being an attractive 30-year-old woman, I sometimes have to ward off men with a shovel.
Haha. But true.
So how do I decide upon whom to sleep with?
Is that by his looks? The brain? The bank account?
Well, no. I tried all of those and nothing really worked.
These days I allow "FEELINGIZATION" to step in and help. Visualisation is outdated, Arielle Ford coined the term "feelingization": Don't just watch the story in your head, feel the sensations you want to experience first!
At the moment, 'just sex' seems like the only realistic option out there for me given the time and place - hey, I am a foreigner on a bridging visa in a town full of backpackers!
A relationship, anyone?
Regardless, I like to make sure that if I get physical, it is worth it. Therefore, these days I make decisions based on my body-mind-spirit connection and its workability. It needs to feel "right" in my gut.
I visualize, feel pleased, imagine the good fuck... and... and it finds me.
Sorry, there's no other punchline, that was it.