Because He was supposed to be the one.
That's why it hurt so bad, that's why I was angry.
I had some preconceived notions of what true love should look like, and it felt awful when those crumbled.
He made me feel like a princess, so I expected Him to be my prince.
Instead, I felt betrayed by life, God, and the Universe...
I came to understand that it's safer to run from any idealized versions of reality.
I've had a few nightmares in this past year and a half. Nearly all of them - except one, featured my ex as the main protagonist.
The initial bad dreams began after I got back home to Czech broken-hearted. The nightmares appeared again back in Australia: at a shared accommodation and my next two solo rented places. One depicted on this blog described him pushing my chest so hard that it felt as if my heart was cracking all over again, making the wound fatal.
Isn't it strange that he still finds a way into my dream? I wake up in sheer terror with my heart beating fast.
Last night I woke up three times. He featured in the latter two nightmares, where my mind produced fucked up scenarios of him doing weird stuff... (coming into my room unannounced, looking like a Joker with a whiskey in his hand and murderous twinkle in his blue eye; or drinking lots of tap water and chanting: I can't stop, I can't stop...)
My unconscious sends me these images and rehashes any negativity I used to associate with him... is it a warning of sorts?
Isn't it strange that he still finds a way into my dream? I wake up in sheer terror with my heart beating fast.
Last night I woke up three times. He featured in the latter two nightmares, where my mind produced fucked up scenarios of him doing weird stuff... (coming into my room unannounced, looking like a Joker with a whiskey in his hand and murderous twinkle in his blue eye; or drinking lots of tap water and chanting: I can't stop, I can't stop...)
My unconscious sends me these images and rehashes any negativity I used to associate with him... is it a warning of sorts?
I don't feel that way at all in my waking life! In fact, I don't feel much at all - in context with him.
My head is busy appreciating Darwin's wilderness, stressing about extending my Australian visa, fantasizing about sex with J, arranging Tantra appointments, wanting to write a book, or thinking about how to stop snacking on sweets... No sign of Him whatsoever.
Maybe I shouldn't have sent him the live video of me having fun at the Mindil Beach sunset markets??? It was.. well, a bit in vain. I'm looking my best and free self there!
Let me tell you, the mind is a mischief.
I feel the most authentic, nomadic, connecting, empowering, happy and free ME these days, and I'd like to bottle up this feeling and proudly carry it with me from day to day.
My head is busy appreciating Darwin's wilderness, stressing about extending my Australian visa, fantasizing about sex with J, arranging Tantra appointments, wanting to write a book, or thinking about how to stop snacking on sweets... No sign of Him whatsoever.
Maybe I shouldn't have sent him the live video of me having fun at the Mindil Beach sunset markets??? It was.. well, a bit in vain. I'm looking my best and free self there!
Let me tell you, the mind is a mischief.
I feel the most authentic, nomadic, connecting, empowering, happy and free ME these days, and I'd like to bottle up this feeling and proudly carry it with me from day to day.
It feels safer than ever to travel, live like a nomad, and connecting to others through my work
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