Monday, May 8, 2017

Toxic or crying out for love?

When to cut the cords, thus help, and when to stick around and help

Should we keep on agreeing with people's defense mechanisms to which they are so oblivious?

'Help' in italics because I believe that unless we confront the person in a respectful manner and leave them to access their own resources (cut the cords for a short time), no other means of help (e.g. agreeing, friendly counselling) are effective.

Perhaps I'm just justifying my recent action.

I feel a little unsure about the impact I made on my aquaintance Steve with the contemplated, yet very direct essay I sent on Saturday at 5am. I couldn't keep quiet any longer...I wanted to shake him and bring him back to his senses.

"Steve, our meeting has deeply upset me. I just woke up and knew I had to write it off my chest. Please know that I am sending you a big wave of love...

You are withholding yours from people. Unless you're willing to give it freely, give more of yourself, become bare and vulnerable, you will keep on getting what your getting and meeting whom you're meeting. I'm sure those dates could have been great women, but they couldn't get through your invisible barriers.

You said you were my friend, but when I shared about J you didn't try to understand me and judged me instead. My real friend just listened last night without being smart about what happened or making judgments. She felt my pain, and offered her compassion. Nothing more was needed.
Please do not contact me for the next few weeks. Just observe yourself. I hope you'll find your unicorn - in the ideal world where you're surely a prince charming.
If not, love every second without pigeonholing people.

Take care of yourself, don't drink down your emotions as you're just avoiding facing your demons and pushing love further away. Love has many forms and expressions. Sometimes we learn it through tears. No one promised it would be easy. Either way, tears are cleansing and lead to the heart expanding more. Mine expanded, but yours is contracted and cold. 
Good luck."

I am aware that we are not here to 'set people straight', or lead them by the hand (unless they're children), and neither we're here to abandon them. We need each other. 
And timing is essential.

When I looked into J’s sparkling eyes the other night, I saw what I had been avoiding to see nearly all my life…. that we were all one.

We are all connected… what I’ll do unto him, he will do unto the mother of his children, his children, his colleagues, and then they will do same unto others… There is nothing as words and actions without consequences…. 

I wasn’t sure whether I should see him, feeling afraid that he was just passing the time [with me] until his partner gets better (not a very empowering thought); moreover, I'd have to be acting all cool before his upcoming business trip.
Talking about sense and sensibility battles, unidentified feelings, horniness, and loneliness that cloud my judgment… and so does the aforementioned ‘connection’. I realized then and there that his happiness equaled my happiness… that somehow, inevitably, I had to make space for whatever that guy required for happiness to occur.

We are all designers of our own happiness, but frankly, how often do we get it 'right'? Not always. So we have to play the cards we were dealt with and adjust our attitudes accordingly. 

I chose love and surrender that night, confident that he would pass that on - unto others.

This is how I explain what I said to Steve. I care about him enough to let him know what I think about his actions. He may decide to take an offense from my mega long text (ok, I could have called), or he may choose that it is time to stop being a big baby that got hurt long time ago, harbors resentments, and is judgmental of others, and start being more loving and compassionate. Compassion and love breeds more of the same in others... The reaction to someone embodying those is usually positive and causes a desirable domino effect.
It's time to become the warriors of light & heart.

“The way of the miracle worker is to see all human behavior as one of two things: either love, or call for love.”
- Marianne Williamson

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