Sunday, February 26, 2017

Union With Oneself

I am so grateful for the people who keep standing up for me.

I’ve had a couple of confronting weeks. During that time I used Adam and sex as distractions, so I wouldn’t have to deal with myself. Needless to say, it didn't work. Thus, it's over. 

In fact, I used men as distractions all my life. What was I covering up? 
I’ve been so inauthentic in my romantic relationships, it’s painful to recall all the manipulations I resorted to when trying to entice potential lovers. I became a champion at getting men to desire me or becoming mildly obsessed by me. I used to send them half naked pictures of mine, talked in a seductive language, and of course, I fulfilled their wildest dreams in the bed… 

Two patterns tend to occur. The guy either got hooked, and I left as I wasn’t satisfied with the illusions I created. I simply didn’t trust myself that I could keep up his interest by repeating those tricks. (I bet I couldn't. Sex is not enough.)
Or, in the second scenario, the guy didn't get hooked, he'd rather see me through and wouldn't be fully satisfied by what I was offering, so he left.
Perhaps those men knew that they wanted, or they didn’t quite know what it was that was missing… either way, they didn’t think they could help lift me up to my magnificence and help me become the girlfriend they dreamed of. Well, could they?

It’s time I deal with myself before another trial and error. There’s no shame in getting the right partner before you are ready, and he/she helps you become that person you were always meant to be. However, even these "unions" tend to break up when the transitioning partner finally transforms.

I have all the tools to cause my transformation myself! Even now, right away. I had a lifetime of experience.

What was missing was an unshakable sense of my magnificent awesomeness. I have the potential to embody the lover who doesn't need to play games. I can speak my truth and love another freely.
I am not talking about becoming someone’s doormat or a slave to someone’s love and attention.. but to give and take in equal measures. Taking care of one another because it feels good.
I knew what to do, yet I wasn’t doing it.

Where did I learn to sabotage my relationships?
I felt my mother’s resentments towards my father as a direct reflection of her relationship with her dad (sorry grandpa, I know you used to beat her because you didn’t know what other educational tools to use to tame her wildness. Rest in peace)

I had no self-esteem, blaming my father for his gypsy heritage which resulted in me looking 'different'. I started judging myself then.

Oh my God, that shame fell away ages ago! I came to embrace my temperament, my passion, the adventurous spirit, love of the mysterious and the gypsy nomadic flexibility. I am a child of God and the Universe, feeling good everywhere I set my foot in.

Isn’t it time I stopped acting like an angry little girl?

Isn’t it time I stopped the judgment and the fear of judgment? I already established I had been my worst bully. Then I discovered the importance of "Self-Love". Isn't it about time to enjoy the fruits of my labour? There’s no shame in feeling unique and amazing!

No man deserves to pay the price for my stubbornness, smallness and my resentments towards my father - which were most likely learned from my mother (and so on). In fact, I never bonded with my father. How could I judge who he really was? He was put in a box shortly after I was old enough to assess the situation at home (and listen to my mother)…

I want to give someone a chance to build something new with me…. free from the past, free from the resentments, free from all the previous heartaches… I want to give myself the chance to experience my magnificent, loving, happy side!

I must believe in the possibility of love.
Other people have found it, I will do too. And so will you if you put in the effort to know yourself, unite with all the aspects of yourself, and say goodbye to those behavioral patterns that never served you.


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