I’ve had a couple of confronting weeks. During that time I used Adam and sex as distractions, so I wouldn’t have to deal with myself. Needless to say, it didn't work. Thus, it's over.
It’s time I deal with myself before another trial and error. There’s no shame in getting the right partner before you are ready, and he/she helps you become that person you were always meant to be. However, even these "unions" tend to break up when the transitioning partner finally transforms.
I have all the tools to cause my transformation myself! Even now, right away. I had a lifetime of experience.
What was missing was an unshakable sense of my magnificent awesomeness. I have the potential to embody the lover who doesn't need to play games. I can speak my truth and love another freely.
I knew what to do, yet I wasn’t doing it.
Where did I learn to sabotage my relationships?
I had no self-esteem, blaming my father for his gypsy heritage which resulted in me looking 'different'. I started judging myself then.
Oh my God, that shame fell away ages ago! I came to embrace my temperament, my passion, the adventurous spirit, love of the mysterious and the gypsy nomadic flexibility. I am a child of God and the Universe, feeling good everywhere I set my foot in.
Isn’t it time I stopped acting like an angry little girl?
Isn’t it time I stopped the judgment and the fear of judgment? I already established I had been my worst bully. Then I discovered the importance of "Self-Love". Isn't it about time to enjoy the fruits of my labour? There’s no shame in feeling unique and amazing!
No man deserves to pay the price for my stubbornness, smallness and my resentments towards my father - which were most likely learned from my mother (and so on). In fact, I never bonded with my father. How could I judge who he really was? He was put in a box shortly after I was old enough to assess the situation at home (and listen to my mother)…
I want to give someone a chance to build something new with me…. free from the past, free from the resentments, free from all the previous heartaches… I want to give myself the chance to experience my magnificent, loving, happy side!
I must believe in the possibility of love.
Other people have found it, I will do too. And so will you if you put in the effort to know yourself, unite with all the aspects of yourself, and say goodbye to those behavioral patterns that never served you.